I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.
Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.
The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.
I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!
Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.
eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.
My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.
So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."
"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."
"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."
Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!
And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!
Also, i hate double entendres. Guy love them, but they wear me out and I don't like them. Inappropriate or am i crazy?
and also also, I'm REALLY good at giving animals names.
I named this kitten Jingle. He's 6 days old today.
Hey, anyone want a kitten?
jingle is a fabulous name.
ReplyDeleteI loved this blog. i love personality types. I like things like this and knowing you a little better.
I do understand part of the frustration and identify with some of it even though I seriously bet you'd disregard that because you think I have a million friends. BUT it's still easy to feel disregarded and unvalued and lacking all the time and insignificant regardless of if you have friends or not. It's the type of friends I guess. Level of them. Safeness and history and bond. Lots of things I guess. BUT be careful not to project your assumptions because sometimes they could be wrong. I know you probably think certain things about how I feel about you. Which are wrong most likely. It just takes me time to get to know people and I adore intentionality, but it takes me time. I don't just open up to people. And when I do I don't open up whole heartedly. That takes me extra time. Been burned a lot in the past so I'm even more hesitant. Not sure if all this applies but ya. Keep writing. I like it.
But Hanny, you do have a million friends. AND you have really close friends. I have people I hang out with because 1.)they're nice and feel bad for me or 2.)they're under the mistaken assumption that I'm fun. You stop being fun, people stop caring.
ReplyDeleteI don't care about having a ton of friends (though I genuinely do enjoy knowing people), I just want a few friends who really care about me.
I TRY to be careful about my assumptions, but when there's no effort made on the other end, it's hard to feel cared about. I don't mean that just with you, it feels that way with most people in my life. I'm always the one to initiate conversation. I'm the one who texts, emails, plans stuff, express desire to be friends. I'm the one trying to really get to know other people, but it feels like no one cares about knowing ME. In fact, I feel like a nuisance and a jerk because maybe I try TOO hard to be a good friend or get to know people.
I agree that it takes time to get to know people. But time alone doesn't make you friends. There has to be effort, there has to be intentionality, there has to be words. Especially with me, if there's no effort, I'm just not going to let you know me. I'm not going to invest in people who don't care or who will just end up walking away, like a lot of people do. Doesn't mean I won't fight to know THEM deeply, but it also doesn't mean I'M going to open up without a fight. I just don't think I'm worth the effort to most people. At least that's how I feel lately.
I just feel like quitting. what's the point of trying? I could just quietly fade away and slip off into the night never to be seen again and the few people that even noticed would note it only as a curiosity.
Thanks for your comment, Hannah. That actually meant a lot to me. a lot. you have no idea. It's nice to know someone cares.
And that makes sense. It's easy to draw conclusions that seem real valid. Especially if based on the past they've proved true. But I guess I can only speak for myself in this area which I'd rather do at some point in person because I know I've hurt your or bothered you or something which is not my intention. Yes distance sucks. Yes I have a lot going on here and I wholeheartedly believe it's important for me to build community where I'm at too. But I don't want to be friends so you can entertain me or be anything for me. I just like being friends with you. Sometimes I suck at long distance. Most the time. Ask my own mother. So don't take that super personal I possible. And sometimes I'm afraid I'll hit disappoint you and let you down or something I say gets misinterpreted everytime it seems like and I see the walls go up again. Doesn't change me wanting to be friends and hang out when I make it up there but does make me worried about everything I say and do.
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