Jingleberries

Who's ready for another downer blog? yaaaaaaaaay!!!! hahahaa!! This is basically the same thing I wrote last monday morning, and the same thing I'll probably end up writing next monday morning.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!

Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.

I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.

I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
  For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
        It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
  I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.

I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.

(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)

 I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from  them again. blah.

I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.

Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.

 Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.

It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.

none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.

It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?

I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.

I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"

Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.


I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.

I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
       Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.

I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.


Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.

I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.