I'm becoming a baby. My heart keeps getting softer and softer, and I'm crying at everything these days! Nothing sad, i still don't cry at sad things. Only at things that fill me with joy and love. I suppose my heart is so full of joy, it's hard to keep it from spilling over. It doesn't take much anymore.
And tonight was ridiculous! It was like dropping a baseball in a bucket full of water. My heart was already fulled to the brim with joy and thankfulness, but add the corporate worship and the glimpse of an almighty, gracious loving Father...and I'm a baby. And to be fair, every weekend since July, I've had to fight back tears during worship. But tonight was insane. I had the voice cracking, lip-quivering thing that you get right before you just absolutely start bawling. I fought it off, but I was a mess.
I can't ever sing about Grace without being rocked. Even when it's songs I've sung a hundred times! It just humbles me. And not just that, it's like it takes me out of the equation and it becomes all about HIM. It becomes about His Grace to me, not for my sake, but for His sake. To display His infinite worth, His unending love.
And every song we sang tonight was like a one-two punch to my heart. ...i kinda loved it.
I had to mouth these words because my voice couldn't do it:
"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what break Yours.
Everything I am for Your kingdom cause."
It's the whole "break my heart for what breaks Yours" that really gets me. I'm not even sure i can explain why. And if I could, it would take all night.
But i managed not to cry during singing, but I actually did cry during the sermon. Just being in awe of where we are in history. How we are a part of promises throughout the Bible, how we are a part of this story. We've been blessed to not call our lives our own and are instead bit players in the work of redemption. We're a part of this thing. We're a part of this story that started with Abraham! We're mentioned in the Bible. We aren't just readers of this story, we're part of the story! and that humbles me and leaves me in utter awe.
The one line that attached itself to my heart and I'm sure will plague for the rest of ever was "While the rest of the world burns, we buy more trinkets." and THAT cut straight to my heart because that's exactly where I'm at right now, and that's something that's really been weighing on me. So I cried. Whereas, historically I've never cried. I'm not a crier. I'm a bitter old man, right? Isn't that what people probably think about me? That I'm angry, bitter, and cynical?
And I probably AM those things to some extent, which is why I need to get into the Step Studies, but at the same time, that callousness in my heart has been melting away for some time now. For whatever reason, He's just really been jack hammering away at my dirty, black heart. And I feel like I'm always teetering on the edge of unfathomable joy. And I've been here before. But I think I'll stay this time. Nothing is as satisfying as knowing Him.
In other news, I woke up with a song from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog in my head this morning and I had no idea why. Incredibly random! Maybe i watched it in my dream last night. Can you watch real shows in your dreams? whoa.
Also, if your bladder is full and you gotta pee, but then you start to sweat really bad...can you sweat out so much waste that you don't have to pee anymore? i mean, i doubt it. but why not?
To answer the urine question, i don't think you could sweat out the liquid once it was urine. But you can sweat a lot and only have to pee minimally. That's why when you've been extremely active but haven't drunk any water your urine will be very dark and acidic.
ReplyDeletewhat the heck? ok Kate!! can you help me out for a second? did you actually comment on MY blog BEFORE i commented on your blog? i guess so...that's completely random though.
ReplyDeletebut that leads to my question...i commented on your blog, did you know that? because does this retarded bliggity blog even TELL you when you have comments?? i had no CLUE anyone had even commented! I asked Sara to go comment on my site to see what it would look like when i got a comment notification, and she told me i already had comments! what the crap?
so it just doesn't tell you? you have to scroll through every blog you've written to see if anyone has said anything? or am i just even more mentally challenged than i originally assumed? I assume you're pretty much proficient with this nonsense by now. but i'm not. i miss Xanga. i will always miss Xanga.
so um...can you drop some knowledge on me please?
and thanks for the answer to my question. you have a disturbing amount of knowledge about urine. but maybe that's what makes you so cool. who knows!