This blows up my heart

"All over the quiet plains, beneath the snow on the high mountains, rustling through the cattails that congregate along the water, you can feel the presence of a promise. On cold nights when you look at the sky, sometimes your breath catches in your throat at how bright the night can be. The dark spaces between the stars aren't as dark as you thought they were; Not nearly as dark as the tree line on the horizon, and as you stand there shivering with your hands bunched in your pockets, suddenly you remember that you're standing on a rock in the middle of space. Suddenly the notion that there's a Someone who made it all and knows us all no longer seems quite so far-fetched; indeed, it seems too good to be false.

But here we toil and we till the hard earth, where even the warm times with friend and kin are lonely because we know they won't last long enough to quiet the ache. Our sadness points to Home, the way hunger points to the feast, the way the light of the cratered moon is always facing the sun, always pointing to where the dawn will come like a pillar of fire when this rock we walk on turns again to burning day. All over the quiet plains and the cold stone cities full of dying and shame the promise is not drowned out by the weeping; it is declared by it.

God died as a man and rose again, and the sound of the fiery blast of Death exploding shook the firmament. Throughout the wail and shudder, over the shriek and moan of man, the thunder has sounded and sung, and it is both the answer and the promise. It sings still, and you can hear what it says if you listen: Love never dies."

Crack Habit

First, let's do business here....comments?!? does this thing not notify you when you have comments??? what the crack?? Sara just told me yesterday that I had comments. i had no idea! the stupid thing never alerted me! and now i'm all rude for "ignoring" people. not my fault though, i blame technology. hmm, I never had this problem with Xanga. interesting.
xanga rules. blogspot can suck it.

So guess who was leading worship at my class last night? Matt friggin' Cote! and that's ironic because i'd mentioned him in a blog a couple weeks ago as someone that i'd completely written off in high school but is now passionately pursuing the Lord.
and I know I expressed these sentiments a couple weeks ago, but it just blows my heart up to run into people I used to know and find out that they're hearts are still on fire. and when i last blogged about this, I was saying how it surprises me because it seems like everyone I used to know wants nothing to do with the faith anymore. But I was talking to Matt last night, and it seems like it's actually quite the opposite. Everyone is coming back to Him! Matt still keeps in touch with absolutely everyone, including Kris Evans! haha! We talked about the people that we both know whose hearts God has captured and changed. People like Michael, Matt masterton, robbie, ourselves, and most surprising to me, Drew Jones! wow.
and i know that none of this means nothing to any of ya'll, but for me, it's hard to contain the joy I find in seeing old friends pursure God. And not just that, but to so clearly see the hand of God working, moving, changing lives...it's humbling. It kills my heart (in a good way). It seriously leaves me in absolute awe. Seeing God change hearts, seeing God change lives....awesome. insanely awesome.
Matt's an interesting guy. I hope to catch up with him more, and I know he'll be leading worship for our class again next month. He's led worship at just about every church in the metroplex. He even knows Bleeker and used to lead the high school worship when the Chandler-era of the Village was just starting. I wish I'd had more time to talk to him and explore all the things that God has done in him. ahhh! God is blowing my away daily.

I have a whole list of things that I want to write about, so assuming I have time, I should be able to keep this blog updated pretty frequently. But this semester is going to be NUTS. But i'm pretty sure i'm going to take a long vacation in June. I spent several hours yesterday planning it. That's something I enjoy more than most anything, planning trips. mmm mmm mmm! I'm thinking about flying to Seattle, renting a car and spending 12 days driving through oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, North & South Dakota, etc. That would be amazing. I haven't spent much time in that part of the country. I want to go to Yellowstone and see Old Faithful, and i want to see Mount Rushmore. and I found a place in cheyenne where you can take a trip up to be among the bison. that'd be cool.

Ooooor maybe i'll chuck those plans and just drive out to California and up the west coast. it depends. we'll see. but i'm getting out of here one way or another!

Los hombres con el pelo facial son poco fiables

Men with facial hair are shady. What are they trying to hide??

This is clearly a man with horrible secrets.



This man is obviously making terrorist threats in his mind.



This man is so evil that he grew two beards - one on cheeks and one above his eyes. He has the darkest of hearts.


Your beard can't hide your atrocities for long!
This is a man pleased with his illicit acts. His smug beard gives him away.


This man grew a wispy mustache in celebration of sin.



This man's beard is so evil it has disguised itself as flesh and blended in.
This is a man that has seen the very heart of darkness.
and likes it!
His beard is in alliance with Satan. Clearly.

MEN WITH FACIAL HAIR ARE SHADY!

Purdy Places and me

Sometimes I get jealous because I see all the beauty that God has created in the world, like the cliffs of Dover, the Black Forest, the canals of Venice, and then I’ll think about the landscape we have here in America. NOt exactly mind-blowing. Ok wait, we have the Grand Canyon and Appalachia. So I guess we weren’t totally screwed over.
There’s all this beauty all over the world that God designed that just takes your breath away. I sometimes find myself wondering why God didn’t decide to have me be born in somewhere gorgeous like Amalfi, so that I would wake up in the morning and have no choice but to praise Him. What I wouldn't give to be surround by such captivating beauty daily. But I reckon I might not even know Him if I’d been born somewhere else.
It also makes me think about the beauty of the land where He did decide to put me. I think God finds beauty in the prairie and desert. Obviously, He created them after all!
I have no idea what you’d call where we live. Somewhere in between prairie and desert, I guess. Is Dallas a steppe? Could that be right? I don’t know. There’s nothing noticeably majestic about this place. It's easy to think of it as bland and boring. But I do think there is a subtle beauty here. You just have to open your eyes to it. It’s pretty lush here, vegetation thrives, so the hills that we do have can present spectacular vistas! Especially during Autumn. It’s been known to take my breath away at times. As you drive down a hill, look out at all the green and it’s incredible! Especially for a city this size! That's rare for a big city! Awesome.
I actually take great joy in the Texan horticulture. There is such artistry in the oaks that dot the skyline, in the yuccas, the cactus, the bluebonnets, and my favorite, the Mesquite trees.

Have you ever seen those bright yellow flowers that bloom on the cactus? How about that for gorgeous! Such a lovely, soft flower growing out of one of the driest, harshest plants! It’s insane. Such loving design in that! How can that not stir your heart for God?

And of course, the enormous Texas sky. It just seems bigger here than anywhere else. You can stand in a field, look up and just feel tiny. That’s a powerful experience. The sky just goes on forever, like it’s a warm blanket wrapping us up and protecting us. (And that’s the least fruity way of trying to describe it!)











So even though we might not live among the obvious beauty of places like Italy or Greece, we have our own blessing. The combined beauty of all these things can be overwhelming. So maybe instead of having one massive breathtaking object, like an ocean or a mountain, it’s the combination of all these smaller beauties that make it majestic.

A Few Random Things

Sometimes I wish people would have a little more patience with me. I know I'm difficult. and a large part of that is my personality and how I process things. It takes a bit of time for my mind to accept change. And I feel life deeply and passionately, and how that displays itself and affects you can be kinda annoying I guess. But sometimes I wish people would have the patience to know each other, so then we can understand each other and work together. I'll do anything I can to meet you where you are, if you give me a chance to figure out how best to do that. If I don't know how function or communicate or process, etc., then it's hard for me to meet you where you're at. And vice versa. Make sense? I wish we'd take the time to understand each other and why we are the way we are. Maybe we'd have a little more grace. Maybe then we'd start to reflect Christ better.

I've gained 40 lbs. since high school. All of it in my face.
I was going through some stuff in my storage unit on Sunday and found a paper that said I weighed 118 lbs. as a freshman in college. I now weigh 160 lbs. I'd love to claim that all as muscle, but most of it is this giant face I'm carrying around! haha! how do you even lose face weight? weird. and on a related random note, I was at gym the yesterday, resting between sets, and a huge guy came right up to me and said, "You're getting bigger" and I looked at him and said "Thank you!" then I paused in case he wanted to say anything, like why he'd randomly said that. But he didn't say anything else, so I said "I really appreciate that!" and he walked away. Maybe he just recognized me from the gym. I've seen him around. and if you go every day, you kinda recognize the regulars. so that's probably why. or maybe he saw that i was about to pass out and wanted to encourage me and give me a reason to live.

I think I'll go to Founder's Week when they finally get Chandler to come. However, I'm not sure Moody will ever be that bold. Though...they have had James McDonald in the past, and Francis Chan is speaking this year. And they certainly aren't stogey old koots, so maybe there's hope! If they get Matt, I'll visit ole chicagy again.

Visible Perfections

It's probably not awesome start a blog with the words: I know that none of this is really going to make sense to anyone, and I'm not sure how to even adequately express what I'm feeling, but i usually just write out of the overflow of my heart, so...deal.

There's a few thoughts lately that have really fuel my passion for the Lord. And these aren't new revelations, but thoughts that strike me from time-to-time and always leave me in awe.
I never cease to be astonished by how God has created us all. I was just thinking about my previous post and how that personality type description fits me so exactly. I can't believe that I'm actually normal and can be defined like that! That kinda brings me comfort. I guess because it's good to know that there are people like me out there somewhere! It brings peace to know that I am the way I am because that's how God designed me to be and not because I've screwed myself up! It's ironic because I was kinda venting to Courtney about this several days ago, about how I always have to care SO deeply and how I can't just give up on people or get over people and move on like it seems like everyone else can. It's rather annoying to be like that, honestly. But I also know that God can use those traits for good somehow too.

So I was just talking it out with Court and then two days later, I stumbled on Meyer-Briggs personality description again, and was reminded that this IS part of His plan for me. That I'm actually designed with a deep capacity to love, and that I'm choosy about who I get close to and open up with because he made me that way! It's so easy to see those things as flaws because as wonderful as they sound, they cause more pain than joy. At least in my limited experience. So I'm really just overjoyed at seeing, once again, that I am the way I am on purpose and for a reason! It gets so easy to subconsciously start to see these traits as negative things and I'll assume I'm this way because of the scars on my heart or mistakes in my past. But nope! This is how God designed me in the beginning!

And that's not even what I was trying to write about...what leaves me in awe is thinking about how God has designed all of us SO differently, yet similarly enough to able to be categorized into "types". and not just personality types either, there are tons! Ya know, like love language, how you think, how you learn, how you teach, your type of humor, etc. There are so many different styles and types of different characteristics about all of us. And i guess we all have a combination of different types about us and that's what can make us SO similar to someone in one way, but so different in another. If that makes any sense. And I just find incredible, stunning beauty in that!
Like, even just last Saturday I was telling Jill how it astounds me that God has designed it that there are "types" of the way people think. Thinking! Like, who would think thats there's a pattern to thinking or a certain way of thinking? The creativity in that design seriously stirs passion and love in my heart for the Creator.

Like, I know of one person that thinks pretty similarly to how I do. And that's amazing because that person will actually understand what seems like incoherent rambling to the rest of y'all. And yet, we think so similarly, but have very different relational styles. completely different! And I wish i could convey how beautiful that is! It's stunning! It really it. Just that loving, intricacy of design. wow. When God created us, we weren't just thrown together. There was thought and love put into how we were made. And none of us are really alone because there are people like us that understand what most people can't.

And along those same lines...wait....this blog is getting too long. ok, I'll save my other thought about the artistry of God's design in this world for another time. It just blows me away to see His fingerprints all over everything, and I love talking about it! sue me.
so I'll catch you up on something else that blew my heart up about that later.

Hey, you know what would make tv better? If Neil Patrick Harris was in every show! dang. I'd quit my job, become a slacker, and live in a box and watch tv all day on my handheld tv set. That guy is an unbelievably cool and extremely talented dude. He should be the star of every show.

Kinda the same way that Marky Mark and Jason Statham should star in every movie. with cameos by Vin Diesel. (At the very least, in every movie with explosions.) Yes, i have very awesome taste in everything, don't I? I'm well aware.

Hi, I'm an INFP and I'm AWESOME. be jealous.

THE INFP RELATIONSHIP PROFILE

The Myers-Briggs Personality Relationships Page

INFP's present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFP's are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFP's are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.

INFP'S AS FRIENDS

INFP's are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about other people's feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and lasting friendships. With their high ideals, they are likely to be drawn to other iNtuitive Feelers for their closer friendships.


Audrey Hepburn was an INFP. what more do you need to know? she was the very picture of elegance, gracefulness, beauty, and pure unbridled awesomeness.....hey, kinda like me!

I am Benjamin Button

I'm becoming a baby. My heart keeps getting softer and softer, and I'm crying at everything these days! Nothing sad, i still don't cry at sad things. Only at things that fill me with joy and love. I suppose my heart is so full of joy, it's hard to keep it from spilling over. It doesn't take much anymore.
And tonight was ridiculous! It was like dropping a baseball in a bucket full of water. My heart was already fulled to the brim with joy and thankfulness, but add the corporate worship and the glimpse of an almighty, gracious loving Father...and I'm a baby. And to be fair, every weekend since July, I've had to fight back tears during worship. But tonight was insane. I had the voice cracking, lip-quivering thing that you get right before you just absolutely start bawling. I fought it off, but I was a mess.
I can't ever sing about Grace without being rocked. Even when it's songs I've sung a hundred times! It just humbles me. And not just that, it's like it takes me out of the equation and it becomes all about HIM. It becomes about His Grace to me, not for my sake, but for His sake. To display His infinite worth, His unending love.
And every song we sang tonight was like a one-two punch to my heart. ...i kinda loved it.
I had to mouth these words because my voice couldn't do it:
"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what break Yours.
Everything I am for Your kingdom cause."
It's the whole "break my heart for what breaks Yours" that really gets me. I'm not even sure i can explain why. And if I could, it would take all night.
But i managed not to cry during singing, but I actually did cry during the sermon. Just being in awe of where we are in history. How we are a part of promises throughout the Bible, how we are a part of this story. We've been blessed to not call our lives our own and are instead bit players in the work of redemption. We're a part of this thing. We're a part of this story that started with Abraham! We're mentioned in the Bible. We aren't just readers of this story, we're part of the story! and that humbles me and leaves me in utter awe.
The one line that attached itself to my heart and I'm sure will plague for the rest of ever was "While the rest of the world burns, we buy more trinkets." and THAT cut straight to my heart because that's exactly where I'm at right now, and that's something that's really been weighing on me. So I cried. Whereas, historically I've never cried. I'm not a crier. I'm a bitter old man, right? Isn't that what people probably think about me? That I'm angry, bitter, and cynical?
And I probably AM those things to some extent, which is why I need to get into the Step Studies, but at the same time, that callousness in my heart has been melting away for some time now. For whatever reason, He's just really been jack hammering away at my dirty, black heart. And I feel like I'm always teetering on the edge of unfathomable joy. And I've been here before. But I think I'll stay this time. Nothing is as satisfying as knowing Him.

In other news, I woke up with a song from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog in my head this morning and I had no idea why. Incredibly random! Maybe i watched it in my dream last night. Can you watch real shows in your dreams? whoa.

Also, if your bladder is full and you gotta pee, but then you start to sweat really bad...can you sweat out so much waste that you don't have to pee anymore? i mean, i doubt it. but why not?

Fandom of the Opera

I want to learn about Opera.
Like, i want to take a class on how to understand and appreciate it.
I'm not saying that I enjoy the sound of Opera.
(is "opera" capitalized? I feel like it's respectful to capitalize it.)
Although I honestly do enjoy Andrea Bocelli.
But he's not opera, he's an opera singer.
He's a gorgeous singer. Well, not him. But his singing. It's seriously beautiful. Stirring.

And though Opera music itself might not be, um, enjoyable, per se, I deeply admire the passion and talent that goes into it.
The fact that it's this whole other world intrigues me.
There's SO much that goes into it. So much passion.
It's a type creativity that I've never explored.
I love all things creative. That's what moves me.
And this seems like such a different type of creativity that I must learn about it!

It's mysterious to me why it seems like only rich, hoidy-toidy types enjoy opera.
Why is that?
Because they're the only ones that are intelligent enough to understand it?
or Because they're the only ones rich enough to afford it?
and WHY is going to the opera expensive? are there that maybe people dying to get in and see it?

But the thing that intrigues me the most about opera is the history.
It has a deep, rich, beautiful history, and I want to learn more.
Was it really the pop music of the time? Is that what people would have listened to their chariots?
Opera is so old. I want to know more. I want to understand.
Where did it come from? How did it evolve?
How did it get so elaborate? How did people learn to sing like that?
I want to know the plot lines for the major operas like Madame Butterfly and...and...Aida? Is that one? I don't know. heck, I want to learn names of Operas! Ha ha!
I want to understand the intricacy that goes into it, the preparation.

and after i learn about opera: ballet. what's the deal with ballet? I want to study it.

So I need to see if I can find a class like that and if it would even count for any credits that I need. The older I get, the more I find that I want to take classes to actually learn, not just to get credit. That's kinda lame, isn't it? Learning is for suckers!

Mornings of Blinding Clarity

I am thankful for the days where the Lord just wakes me up with a passion to pursue Him and it's not something i have to fight for. It's wonderful to wake up and have Him be your desire and not even having to work for that. Days like that are few, whereas I usually need to make myself spend time with Him before my passion is stirred. and a lot of days, even making myself spend time with Him can be a struggle.
But on these few precious days, I just wake up knowing that He's better. I wake up wanting Him more than anything. Even given the choice between watch Rambo, tv, checking facebook, listening to the radio, or any other number of distractions, He still seems better.
And I'd rather spend time with Him than any of those things. I wish i could say every day was like that (and i have no idea how realistic that even is) but i'm incredibly thankful when He blesses me with a morning like this, when all i want is Him and to be alone with Him.

ch-ch-ch-changes

So i saw this guy at Men's Bible study this morning that i hadn't seen since junior high. I’d seen this guy on facebook. We’re 'friends'. After Bible study, I went over and talked to him. He, of course, didn’t remember me, which is probably a good thing because I wasn’t awesome in junior high (see aforementioned judgmental reference).
In the least eloquent way possible, I attempted to tell him that he is such an encouragement to me. That God’s grace shines so brightly through his story that it really moves my heart. And I don’t know his whole story. All I know is that he went from absolute jerk with knowledge of God (because we attended a Christian elementary school) to a dude that loves the Lord and who’s heart belongs to God. It’s hard to thank someone for that. I just wanted to thank him for the Lord’s grace in his life because it’s an inspiration to me. Slightly awkward, and if you know me at all, you can only imagine how much I enhanced that awkwardness. Yeah, i told him that he was a jerk back then and that he scared me so bad because he was so mean. He didn't seem offended. I wasn't trying to be awkward, I was trying to compliment what the Lord had done through Him. it just came out kinda messy.
I’m going to write Pepe and tell him about that, so that He too can marvel in the love of God. He was someone I never thought would be passionate about the Lord. I saw Herrington at Bible study too. He’s not someone that I never thought would be passionate about the Lord, because he was a very kind person in junior high (and seriously, what junior higher is kind?) But it always surprises and encourages me to see people that I knew back then that still love the Lord now.
In fact, it’s almost more amazing than those who just get transformed from a life of total debauchery. There are probably still a lot of people that I knew so long ago from church and school that are still pursuing Christ, but more often than not, it feels like most of those people have kinda given it up, or are nominal Believers and there’s no heart, no passion. So it blows my heart up to see some of these people with an insane passion. People like Matt Cote, who dumb little me had kinda written off by high school. And now he’s a worship leader!
And I don’t know if many people would look at me and say ‘dang, never thought HE’d be passionate about pursuing the Lord!’ But if you knew me then, and knew me now, you might be surprised. In fact, I’m surprised that any of us got through the church world in the 80’s and 90’s with our faith in tact. There wasn’t a lot of passion in people of God. While the message of Grace (not sure why I always capitalize that) may have been taught, the prevailing message to my heart was “do this to please God. Don’t do this to upset God. You don’t want to dishonor God, do you? Then you need to do this, you need to feel this way, you shouldn’t do this”
and that all leads to a very guilty life when you can’t live up to everything, and that completely robs you of joy and freedom. You're still trying to win God's approval, which defeats the purpose of the cross. Being a Christian meant a behavior change, and little else. So, as a punk kid, I was adamant that secular music was bad, drinking-bad, cursing-bad, smoking–bad, and on and on it went. And I wouldn’t associate myself with people who were into those things. Which is the complete opposite of the Gospel, i realize now. And when I would interact with them, all I wanted to do was change how they live. I wanted to change their external actions. I thought that believing in Jesus just meant acting better. I thought it just meant a change in your behavior. And of course, you don’t have to go to hell, so that's a bonus!
And whether the church actually taught these things or not, these were the things I learned and how my heart had heard the Gospel. I was insanely legalistic and judgmental all the while hating people who were legalistic and judgmental. Insanity.
So yeah, if you knew me back then, maybe you would be surprised to know that the church didn’t get the best of me, and that God actually found me and went after my heart, and gave me one that is desperate to know Him. Most people growing up in my situation probably walked away from it all after being taught an incorrect Gospel for so long and thinking that’s all Jesus had to offer.
So, it is the pleasure of my heart to have a pastor who is passionate about serving Christ, who understands grace, who has seen first-hand the damage the church has done, and who can not only explain God’s laws, but explain why they’re for our benefit and for our joy, and why the Law is beautiful and not a burden and not a thing to be feared! (Psalm 19 describes the Law of the Lord as “reviving to the soul” and “sweeter than honey.”) He’s able to convey the love and joy that comes with serving and passionately pursuing a loving, graceful God. And that’s not to say we’re all Grace and no doctrine. Cuz we are hard on doctrine too, and serious about church discipline, which I think most churches aren’t at all. It stirs my heart for Him. That’s all.

Anyway, that’s the joy of my heart this morning.

New Year, New Name

I really do wish my name was Paco T. Rocketman. I'd
like to change it, but I'm not quite sure I'm brave enough.
Kinda like I wasn't brave enough to tell the haircuttress
yesterday that I want to look like Billy Ray Cyrus.
He's good-looking for an older fellow. Seems
very friendly. He looks welcoming.
I want to look welcoming.
And I'm not sure if i'm
powerful enough for
a name like
Paco T. Rocketman.

But i'm working on it.