Here's a couple neato speedo God things from this week.
The past week and especially last weekend I was really missing Joel. I hadn't talked to him in 9 months. I was missing him super bad. Monday morning I spent some time praying about our friendship and if God would please intervene and make us friends again somehow. and BOOM! that afternoon he texted me and we hung out and we're back to being brothers! That was a huge blessing. Beyond huge, actually. I have so badly needed that easy, laid-back fun friendship. I've really been struggling with feeling like anyone cares at church. I don't fit in. I'm not normal. I'm not cool. Heck, someone told me again on Sunday night that I'm weird. Yes, i am. I don't deny that. I don't even mind being weird. I just hate that it gets in the way of being accepted and being known and having real community. But whatever. Having Joel in my life is encouraging, and it may give me enough energy to keep trying with people at church even though I constantly feel discouraged about that.
On Tuesday, I was driving to work, praying about meeting with my boss to talk to him about the possibility of me working from home 4 days a week. I have a thousand reasons why I should and I can't think of even one reason why not. But I've been stressed out about my job since friday. So i was planning on trying to talk to him on tuesday. But when I made it in, he wasn't online. I checked several times and he wasn't online. About 10:30, HE im'd ME asking if I was in the office. (I only hear from my boss maybe once a month or so). He said he was coming up to our room, and I figured he was coming up to tell us that he was finally going to move us out of that room to cubicles downstairs with the rest of our team. ugh. That would be the worst thing. But when he came in the door, he announced that he was up there to give me a free Quaker Oats tshirt for processing the most request of anyone on the team in Period 4. So that was encouraging!! I mean, i haven't had even a one cent raise since I started there 4.5 years ago. But a tshirt is a nice gesture! I'd come in really discouraged and that was actually a big encouragement. I still need to meet with him about WFH though. Dreading that.
One other neato God thing that I have been meaning to blog about for ages happened last summer. Before we left for the ranch, I'd prayed several times that God would give us an opportunity to glorify Him through being able serve people. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I prayed that He'd bring someone to us that we could help and serve. Boom! When we were at Whataburger in Beeville, we met a homeless homie, talked with him and fed him. It was neat! And a really cool God opportunity because...homeless people in Beeville?? what're the odds? I think we even talked to Him about Jesus some too. I was really appreciative of God giving us that small chance to serve. And I never told Joel or Sara that I'd prayed for that. so boom. in your face.
God has been very, very, very kind to me this week. I've been crap but He's been so full of grace and mercy. I couldn't deserve it less, but He still loves me and is doing beautiful things around me. I love Him. I just wanted to say I'm thankful. cuz i am. and stuff.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Stinky Donkey Hugs
I'm not good at being friends with a ton of people.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.
geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.
It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.
I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.
Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.
geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.
It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.
I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.
Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Jingleberries
Who's ready for another downer blog? yaaaaaaaaay!!!! hahahaa!! This is basically the same thing I wrote last monday morning, and the same thing I'll probably end up writing next monday morning.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!
Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.
I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.
I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.
I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.
(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)
I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from them again. blah.
I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.
Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.
Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.
It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.
none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.
It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?
I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.
I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"
Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.
I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.
I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.
I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.
Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.
I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!
Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.
I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.
I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.
I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.
(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)
I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from them again. blah.
I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.
Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.
Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.
It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.
none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.
It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?
I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.
I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"
Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.
I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.
I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.
I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.
Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.
I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Top of the Pops
Hey, here's some tops. The definitive best. I have done painstaking research just for your edification and knowledge. Tuck this handy info away in your back of your brain and save it for a rainy day. As always, these are in exact order, with one being the best.
Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone
Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber
Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone
Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate
Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3
Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone
Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber
Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone
Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate
Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3
S and N Conversations
Guy conversations and girl conversations are so different.
Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.
I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.
Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.
ok bye!
Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.
I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.
Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.
ok bye!
INFJ + Quality Time = suck.
Yeah this might be another blog exploring the misfortune of my personality. But it's also a blog I could probably write at the end of every weekend, because I seem to always end up feeling the same way.
I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.
Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.
The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.
I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!
Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.
eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.
My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.
So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."
"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."
"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."
Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!
And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!
I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.
Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.
The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.
I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!
Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.
eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.
My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.
So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."
"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."
"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."
Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!
And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!
Also, i hate double entendres. Guy love them, but they wear me out and I don't like them. Inappropriate or am i crazy?
and also also, I'm REALLY good at giving animals names.
I named this kitten Jingle. He's 6 days old today.
Hey, anyone want a kitten?
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