I'll go write about it elsewhere after this.
Lately, God's been opening my eyes more and more each day to who I am in the deep places of my heart.
The thing He's been teaching me the most this week is how as much as I really don't care what people think about me...so much of my life is still shaped my people's opinion.
Specifically, how when I sin, I sin against God. He's the only One I'm accountable to. (and He says I'm forgiven and free!) Yet, sometimes that guilt lingers because I know what other people would think about my sins and weak areas. I fear how the dark parts of me would be viewed by those I love the most. I don't want the world to know when I'm having a weak day and have a short fuse and the anger is right there on the surface. Deep down, I really DO want to be viewed a certain way, at least by certain people. It's so lame. And it's such a dichotomy because so much of me really just DOESN'T care what anyone think. yet...there are still certain people that I want to perceive me a certain way. ya know? I want people to see my heart and see me the way I feel and not the stupid things about me.
I know that sounds shallow, but I had no idea that was my thoughts process. but it's there. it was affecting the way i though and i didn't even realize it. but it's there in my heart. i think we have no idea how much of our thoughts and actions really are people-centric.
It's one more constant reminder that it's me and God and no one else. No matter how deep my friendship, no matter closeness of my family, no matter how in love I am, it's me and God and no one else. and i KNOW that, yet in my mind, there are still parts of me that want to impress people or not disappoint other people. It can be tempting to live my live in a manner that would bring honor and joy to my future wife. and as noble as that sounds, it's just plain wrong thinking.
I honestly can't verbalize all things blowing apart my heart.
I have so much wrong thinking. maybe i should start drinking.
oh no! I've gotten stuck rhyming! i'm having an awful day, what horrible timing!
my heart needs so much changing, and my thoughts need rearranging.
i need more Jesus, that would be stellar. geez i'm sorry i'm such a poor speller!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHaahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i amuuuuse me!
No comments:
Post a Comment