there is no secret to the source of this much life

Our souls aren't even able express to express this much joy.

So much joy that it's frustrating because you can't fully experience it as intensely as your soul wants to.

It's too much.

Yeah, make if you ask God for more of Him, that you know what you're asking for.

Make sure you know what you're getting into when you ask Him to blow up your heart.



smiley face. winky face. lolz. omg. brb. bff.

Old Truths

I have a very simple thought that's just up my heart today.

It's that God didn't just come and find me to forgive the sin I'd committed. He chased me down with knowledge of all the sin that lay before me.

He knew about the times i would run from Him, the times I'd doubt Him, the times I think I know better than Him, the times I worship His creation instead of Him, the times I blatantly choose wicked things over Him. and on and on.

He knew how badly my future sin would impugn on His righteousness.
He knew that I would disrespect Him through my words and actions despite the fact that I would know the Truth.
And despite the fact that He allowed me to catch a glimpse of His Glory, I would still run at times and slander the God I claim to love. He knew all my sins from the moment I was born. All my sins were future sins. So when I feel guilty over my sin, He already knew. That sin might be a shock to me, but He already knew. Yet He called me still.

He knew I would basically betray Him before He saved me. Yet He still sought me out.
He still called me, He still pursued me, He still chased me down.
He calls me His own and I can't even fathom the depth of that kind of love.

Yeah i know that's very basic. But sometimes old truths present themselves in a new light.

Get this out of me!

I was just in the middle of praying and i had this thought and i wanted to stop and write it down so I could re-visit it today. So I'm sorry if this makes no sense to anyone.

Several years ago, i took a "fast" (which basically means I skipped lunch) and went down to the lake to pray. I thought my intentions were holy and pure. Except I for a girl I wanted. HA! yes, and I knew the purpose of "fasting" (if you can even call it that) isn't to get God to give you what you want. I knew that. Yet, in my mind, somehow I had it all justified so that that wouldn't be my intent. But it totally was. I thought (maybe subconsciously) that I would show God how serious I was about this girl by not eating lunch and that He would see that and think "Oh my ME! i had no idea Jordan was THAT serious! dang. I need to bless that dude and give Him what He wants!"
I had convinced myself that that wasn't what i was trying to do. But years later...yeah, it totally was. and that's one of my more embarrassing stories for me personally. and I gets more intense too, where I think I have a promise from God and yada yada...just young, dumb kid thinking.

BUT that leads me to think...what dumb thing am I doing now? It seems we're mostly blind to the ways that we're ignorant or just plain wrong. Obviously, because if we weren't blind to it, we'd see it clearly, laugh at ourselves and change. But it's like every time we outgrow some flawed thinking, we enter into a new failed way of thinking.
So what do I walk into blindness to right now that I'm convinced is completely right? Do I see God wrong? Do I not see my own character flaws and weaknesses?
God has seeeeeeriously been opening my eyes and revealing to me things about myself that i had no idea existed within me. He's revealing the root causes of the things where I've been weak.
Lately, I know that God has been impressing humility upon my heart. Yet, i have just a depraved little heart, that I find sometimes my motivation for walking in humility is rooted in pride! haha! How messed up is that?? And it's kinda great to see how insanely weak and poopy I am because it makes me helpless. I'm completely helpless without Him...and i love that.
So I pray that He reveals more and more to me, because i don't want to walk in blindness. It's scary to think about how some of the things with which I think I'm doing good with or walking in truth could actually be completely incorrect and flawed thinking.
So basically even where I think I'm strong, i'm weak. Even where I think I know things, i know nothing. So I guess that's where my mind will be today. That's where my prayers will be.
He's already shown me over the past several months the outrageous self-righteous, arrogent pride that I walk in for years. That's been an amazing journey! But who knows how deep all this nastiness goes? How deep is God going to clean? it's cool. scary. but freeing!
I'm sure i sound like a total mess. and that's probably because I am! My problem is that I don't fully comprehend WHAT a mess I am! haha! So I'm kinda ok with being a mess because Jesus came for the messy people. Sanctification is a crawl. but it's progress at least. But I never want to not be such a mess that I look at myself with pride. I like being completely and utter dependent. That brokeness comes with an overwhelming joy. man! speaking of joy, do ya think it's too early for ice cream??

thank you. you are the weakest link. goodbye.

Rough Day

No lie, it's just been a really rough day for me internally.
I'll go write about it elsewhere after this.

Lately, God's been opening my eyes more and more each day to who I am in the deep places of my heart.
The thing He's been teaching me the most this week is how as much as I really don't care what people think about me...so much of my life is still shaped my people's opinion.

Specifically, how when I sin, I sin against God. He's the only One I'm accountable to. (and He says I'm forgiven and free!) Yet, sometimes that guilt lingers because I know what other people would think about my sins and weak areas. I fear how the dark parts of me would be viewed by those I love the most. I don't want the world to know when I'm having a weak day and have a short fuse and the anger is right there on the surface. Deep down, I really DO want to be viewed a certain way, at least by certain people. It's so lame. And it's such a dichotomy because so much of me really just DOESN'T care what anyone think. yet...there are still certain people that I want to perceive me a certain way. ya know? I want people to see my heart and see me the way I feel and not the stupid things about me.
I know that sounds shallow, but I had no idea that was my thoughts process. but it's there. it was affecting the way i though and i didn't even realize it. but it's there in my heart. i think we have no idea how much of our thoughts and actions really are people-centric.

It's one more constant reminder that it's me and God and no one else. No matter how deep my friendship, no matter closeness of my family, no matter how in love I am, it's me and God and no one else. and i KNOW that, yet in my mind, there are still parts of me that want to impress people or not disappoint other people. It can be tempting to live my live in a manner that would bring honor and joy to my future wife. and as noble as that sounds, it's just plain wrong thinking.

I honestly can't verbalize all things blowing apart my heart.
I have so much wrong thinking. maybe i should start drinking.
oh no! I've gotten stuck rhyming! i'm having an awful day, what horrible timing!
my heart needs so much changing, and my thoughts need rearranging.
i need more Jesus, that would be stellar. geez i'm sorry i'm such a poor speller!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHaahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i amuuuuse me!

The Wachster's survey

I can't resist the urge to mess with someone.
None of this reflects my actual opinions. just playing a character. it's called satire.
This is the third time i've taken Stephanie's survey for some class she's in.
i'll probably write a serious blog later. work is slow.
anyway...here are my survey answers i submitted a few minutes ago.

Intercultural Dating Survey

Gender: Female
Age: 19

22) What is your perception of intercultural couples dating?
i hate it when white kids try to act all hispanic and go around saying "hey what's up essay? que pasa mamacita?" BUT i love it when they date black chicks because they have the sexiest little babies. i hope to marry one of those sexy little babies some day.

22) What cultures do best together?
the really white mexicans go best with the white, normal people. mostly because their skin tones are very similar. and if you're a mexican and want to marry a white girl, its good if you have the same skin color, then the vatos don't try to kill 'yo ace for dating outside your race. Oh girl, you do not want to know how I know dat!

22) What cultures do poorly together?
those arrogant, ignorant Eskimos don't get along with nobody! they think they're the owner of the snow, gods of the winter and act like they rule over the arctic circle. they're so stupid. and i know you don't believe me but that's because you never met them. They're ego maniacal jerks. And surprisingly violent. I’m not racist or anything, I’m just telling you the truth because you asked! But most Eskimos do smell really clean because it’s so cold they never sweat.

also, people from Louisana, dem cajuns, they go together poorly with yankees. but they're both morons. because dem cajuns are just retarded french rejects and yankees don't even know how to speak the good english and their all pompous.

22) What do you think the top three problems that occur in intercultural dating are?
i'll tell you what the number one most annoying thing about this survey is! EVERY question is numbered 22!! wth?? Omg!! Lol!!! Bff!

the top three problems are:

1.) when mexicans and blacks make those sexy babies, the Asian street gangs always try to steal them. the asians are obsessed with sexy babies. i don't mean to stereotype. it's not ALL asians. just the bad ones with the squinty eyes.

2.) some cultures' odors dont mix well together. have you ever smelled the odor of an Indian guy mixed with the funk of a French woman? well obviously you haven't because you're still alive.

3.) i'd have to say that haircuts are something that makes these types of relationships difficult. i'm being serious. because black guys either like afros or shaved heads. But to a Canadian, those kind of haircuts are nasty. so if those two people love each other, that could create tension. Also, people from the South that are racist like to have shaved heads too and so do the blacks and I think that would be a problem if they fell in love. But usually that’s just the men. And men shouldn’t fall in love. but also, all asians have that weird poofy haircut and i think most other cultures would not get along very well with that kind of hair. you know what i mean?

22) Personally, what culture would you choose?
personally, i like a clean culture that bathes a lot and knows what hygiene is. i like someone who works out, dresses fancy, doesn’t steal things or hit animals for fun. OH! And also super sexy cultures! so i'd say probably most texans, people from upstate New Yorks, and all those royal ladies and lords people from the England.

so i would choose a guy from one of them cultures. except i don't know if royalty works out that much, and I like my guys to have pretty bottoms. and new yorkers talk like malfunctioning robots, so i guess i'd pick Texans if i had to choose just one. dey look sexy in boots too, so thats a plus!

22) Are you involved in an interracial couple?
i don't know if this counts, but…. I once dated a guy from Australia, but he was born in America and so was all of his family. and I'm a white, and he was white so i don't know if that counts. but yeah, it didn't work out. he did everything on Australia time, so he'd go to bed when i was waking up and be swimming during winter time. weird stuff like that. he never quite got Australia out of his blood. I broke up with him when his wombat killed my cat. but Australia the movie was good. you should see it.

Apparently my cat has night terrors

....cuz i fell asleep with my arm around him and i woke up to find my hand looking like this:






















It's fun to wake up with your hand dripping with blood! It's kinda like Christmas! ...in hell.

.

Royale with cheese

Sometimes I have a hard time praising God simply for who he IS.
I don't want to just praise Him for who He is because of how His qualities and character relate to me.
But it's hard not to do that.

I can praise Him because He's omnipotent...because He knows my future.
I can praise Him because He is gracious....because He extends it to me constantly.
I can praise Him because He is powerful....because I've seen Him do incredible things.
I can praise Him because He is omnipresent....because I talk to Him everywhere.

Am I SO self-centered that I can't even worship the Lord without relating it back to me? Or is that just how the finite mind works? Do we need that reference point to help us understand?

When i think about who He is, I think about what He's done for me. I think about how His qualities have affected my life.

But i want to have praise in my heart for who He is regardless of if I feel like I've seen the effect of those qualities in my own life. I want my heart to be stirred for Him simply because He is worthy, not because of how I've seen or felt Him.

It can be hard to praise Him for being beautiful without thinking about how I've seen His beauty displayed.
I want my heart to be captivated by His character. I want to be blinded with His beauty and all the things that He is, without thought for myself.

That's easy when it's another person. I can enjoy someone simply for who they are. Regardless of whether we're even friends or how it affects me, it's easy to see the qualities I like and praise them for just being who they are, who God made them to be.

But at times, it's really tough for me to just be in awe of His character without relating it back to me. It's not always like that. but it has been lately. Sometimes I am completely captivated by the sheer magnificence of His beauty and righteousness. But so often i feel like my worship and praise is self-centered and I find I'm thanking Him for what He's done in my life rather than just praising His character.

Does that make ANY sense? any thoughts on this?

i know i need to get back into some Piper desperately....


(and sorry for ending pretty much every sentence with a preposition. yes, I annoy even myself with that.)

Terms of Endearment

...are mostly uncreative and just...gross.

I think I'll most likely refer to my wife as "boo"
That's perfect because it's not mushy, yet it's ridiculously romantic-sounding, it kinda sounds like "poo" which makes ya giggle to yourself, AND it's terribly ghetto, so it fits my gang-bangin' lifestyle.

I will NOT be referring to my wife as "honey", "dear", "love" or "honeybuns" (Honeybuns is over-the-top, but not quite cheesy enough)

no.
I will choose my pet-names more carefully.
I'm considering "cupcake" because it's over-the-top cheesy and cupcakes are delicious and covered in frosting....as will my wife be.

I also enjoy the names that are more embarrassing to yell across a crowded room, which is why i'm also considering "Squeeky Cheeks", "Lover Lady" and "Butter Bum".
The last is only a consideration if I marry someone with a healthy self-esteem.

Seinfeld kinda killed "Schmoopy" or that would've been a good one.
But maybe i'll come up with pet-names like that, that aren't even real words, and more of a conglomeration of animals noises.
Something like "Meowmoo". That would be original.
Much more my style. Plus, that's just a sexy word, let's face it.

And ya know, i already call pretty much everyone "dear" and "honey". guys included.
i think it's hilarious. it's very southern.
but even more, it's very old man.
...which I hope to be. sooner rather than later.

OH! and i also can't wait to get my wife pregnant so I can go around telling everyone that I knocked up a chick.
we'll probably send out announcements telling everyone that I have impregnated my lover.
That makes me sound very powerful, and that would be flattering for my wife to have married such a potent, powerful man.

Stop it. Just stop it.

Stop tagging pictures of cartoons. STOP IT!!
STOP DOING THAT!!
STOP STOP STOP!!!

It's not hilarious or awesome.
It is the exact opposite.
It's life-draining and lame.
It erodes my desire to remain alive.
It's not creative. It's not original.
It's not good. It's quite possibly sinful.

Cartoons aren't people and people aren't cartoons.
It is not hilarious to compare the two.
(unless youre under 16 years old. then it's okay because you're just being your adore little selves! just the way God made you!)

Otherwise, stop it.
Stop tagging cartoons or i will tag your face. with my FIST.

boo. ya.

Obliterated gatorade

Giraffes are really, really beautiful.

For real.

Flat lining bluejeans

I hate being so strong-willed.

It makes it harder to hear God because it's hard to hear God's voice over my own screaming desires.

Which also means that He probably has to be more tough with me and rough me up a bit before I get the point.
But for as much i crave His will, why can't I understand Him better?

How can I tell it's His will and not just the depravity of my heart deceiving me?
The heart is deceitful above all things so I don't always want to rely on that beast for honesty.

I beg for His will, I beg for His guidance, but my strong-willedness always seems to get in the way, even when i don't realize.

what a silly frail people we are!
we're so weak even when we think we're at our strongest.

Let me get this off my chest

8 billion statuses about "The Bachelor" last night and this morning.
I know i'm going to sound self-righteous and i don't mean to, but i'm
so sick of the disgusting show.
I'm amazed at how many people watch it and are entranced by it.
Seriously, you're shocked that the bachelor is a turdbag?
How is that a surprise to anyone?
Doesn't the fact that he volunteered to be on that show give you the clue that he's a total skeez?

Yet, when he doesn't do what you want him to, suddenly he's the biggest jerk ever.
Nevermind the fact that he's told numerous women that he loved them and that he's making out with out women while telling them that he loves them too. nah, that's cool.

It's just tv. it's part of the game. You have to use and abuse people to find true love sometimes.
sure that's acceptable.
But whenever he does whatever he did last night, well that's just crossing the line! And everyone is indignant! How dare prince charming do that! He had us all fooled!

Are you ^&^#&ing kidding me??? Whose idea of a prince charming is that in the FIRST PLACE?? and let me get this straight...you're indignant about his choice, but you're totally fine with the premise of the show in the first place?? You're shocked to find out that someone who would go on such a reprehensible show in the first place did something you find offensive? well duuuuuuuh! hello America, the entire show is reprehensible!
the smarmy guy on the sleazy show made a decision you don't like and now you're offended?

Geez that show is SUCH trash! It takes something that God created, a beautiful gift intended to stir worship in our hearts for Him and they twist it into something disgusting and lustful for our own entertainment. They take LUST, dress it up real pretty and tell America that that is what love is! That's what love is supposed to be like. It's ok to makeout with 2 girls at once and tell them you love them as long as each know about the other. it's ok to play with hearts. It's ok to see people as a prize to won and to seek out the one that makes you the happiest. It's ok to base love on attraction and physical beauty. yeah, that's a real healthy mindset.
Let's glorify and watch it every week. Let's be entertained by how the world has twisted God's gift of love and desire and turned it into a self-centered competition! AND let's make sure there's minimal swearing so that it's considered clean so the kids can watch it and learn from it.

awesome. just awesome.

Maybe after last night America is finally embarrassed by what they've been watching.

Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. i don't watch it. I watched part of a season of it about 5 years ago. but it just makes me feel sick. I see all i need to know about that show just from the commercials.

And YES, i probably watch crap too. though i honestly don't watch that much tv these days. But i'm not saying i'm above all that. I have a wicked little heart too. To be sure! That show just pushes my buttons so badly! and i see a thousand statuses about how they're looking forward to the finale yesterday and then a MILLION statuses about it after it aired. blech.

I can't think of anything right off that bat that I find as offensive as that show, simply because of the coy messages and incredibly harmful lies that it implants in people's mind without them even realizing. Do you have any idea how much damage this does to a little girl when this gets in her mindset? you have to look pretty. beauty is the most important thing. you need to be sexy. you need to be aggressive with guys. you need to makeout, that's what guys want, that's how you know you love them. you need to play games. it's all about you being right for the guy, who cares if you're right for him. it's all about how it make you feel. does he make you feel happy? cuz that's what love it! it's a happy feeling! more importantly, do YOU make him feel happy? uh-oh, better make sure you're living to make a guy happy so he'll want you.

Aren't these the subtle messages that the show teaches?
Isn't this exactly what we're supposed to guard our sisters and daughters from?

It's demeaning and disgusting.

yet, everyone sees it as just an innocent little show to enjoy for laughs!

I guess that goes back to how so many of us live with our head in the sand, and how we need God to shake us and open up our eyes to the reality of the world, and how we need to live with purpose and not just let life live us.


sorry...i'm not trying to be self-righteous. i'll sit here and list my failures if you want. i realize i'm just as bad off even though i don't watch it.
i'm sorry for the LONG-winded rant. needed to get that out.


Here's a hilarious photo to get you out of the depression I probably just put you in.
i hope this makes up for all my rantyness today! smile!

OH whoops! did i say hilarious? i meant to say, here's a terrifyingly awesome picture! I guess that's how they celebrate Christmas in the evil parts of the world.....like Oklahoma. looks like Santa mated with a demonic rabbit.


And here's one more hilarious photo because I kinda felt like posting another hilarious photo.















it's hilarious because the kid's face is funny. he's all surprised and scared. now do you get it?

pre-wine

Do purple grapes go raisin on ya faster than green grapes?

anyone know?