I have a feeling this is a wrestle-with-God and clean-out-the-wicked-little-heart night.
At least, I hope it is.
Cuz I need it.
I need to examine the motivations of my heart.
I need to God to expose me to my own depravity, which means that I need to beg Him to give me a glimpse of His glory.
His beauty is what illuminates my sin.
I need that. I walk in blindness to my own humanity, my own sin.
I need to think about how I'm doing and what I'm doing in regards to my part in the sanctification process.
Where is my focus?
Where is my heart?
Are my motivations birthed out of a desire to bring Him praise and make His name known?
Or do I at times play religion games?
Do I desire Godliness for His glory and my sanctification
or do I desire it because I am pious and want to impress people?
I want my worship to be pure.
I don't want to be content with where I am, even though I really am in a really beautiful place right now.
I want to press into God. I want to hear His heartbeat. I want to know how to serve and love everyone I encounter. and I know that only comes from walking deeply with Him and finding my joy in Him.
I want to know how to minister to the post office workers, the desk lady at the gym, and all the random people I encounter. I see them as souls, I feel the need to love and serve them, but how?
(here's a picture of a monkey that looks like a demon so that you don't get bored with all this heart vomit.)I have a hard time living in this world without being radical. Yet i don't know how to be radical!
It's so hard to be a consumer. It's so frustrating to live in such a hollow place, surrounded by zombies that find their joy in the things they buy, the people they love, the things they do.
I can understand that for the people that don't know Him.
But how can you know Him and be content living the simple American life?
How can you derive joy from anything without Him as the source?
That has to be the hardest kind of life.
To be so happy that you don't need more.
To be satisfied with living the dream of getting married, having kids, living in the suburbs, going to church, going on mission trips.
That's good stuff, but man, our lives aren't ours.
It's all for Him. It's all about Him. Even His blessings to us are about Him, for HIS glory!
But we've made it all about us. Even the church.
It's all His and we're wasting it all on ourselves as if it belongs to us.
As if our lives were our own, as if our wives and kids belong to US.
It makes my soul want to vomit.
It depresses me to be surrounded by a dying world.
and even more depressing not to know MY role and where I begin.
How do I-I push back against the darkness?
and I think I need to start with the darkness in my own heart.
But this whole taking life easy thing is not cool.
This whole making ourselves happy thing is crushing.
We're here briefly and we're here with a purpose.
If our lives terminate on themselves, we've missed the point.
And i know that's all very obvious but sometimes it weighs me down.
Especially when I see symptoms creeping into my own life.
I'm not sure i ever want to be comfortable in this life.
and also, why are some guys obsessed with butts? dude, that's a poop factory, why are you licking your lips when you're looking at that??
Do you think God intended us to be attracted to butts? i seriously don't get it. if you like butts so much, buy a mirror.
Do you think it's part of the depravity of man that we've taken that and turned it into a sexual object? Or is there God's design in people's attractions to butts?
Perhaps it's simply a cultural thing. But is it sinful? Is it a perversion of God's design in our attraction for one another? That's the exit for the nastiest of human nasties. so what's the deal? cuz i don't get it!
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