Who I Am Hates Who I Was

So I spent a majority of this afternoon reading through
entries on my old bliggity blog.
It shocked me.
I can't believe that was me.
I would so not be able to be friends with that person.
I'd have a very hard time loving that person.
But that was me.

It was startling to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.
It reminds me of a sermon from a few months ago,
the mantra still rings in my head--

Sanctification is a crawl.

It's a beautiful process how we grow daily and don't even realize until we stop and look back.
It's beautiful that we each have our own path the leads us to holiness.
Different circumstances, different experiences.
Our heart learn on different levels.
It takes some people longer.
Sometimes it takes pain. Sometimes it takes years of foolishly chasing after the wind.

My heart swells with joy at the knowledge that the Lord has me on my path.
Though it's a doggone wonky path, it's the path I had to take.
It's the path that leads Home.
And I take comfort in knowing that it all works for good.
Only a loving God could take all our failures and jerkiciousness and use it to grow something beautiful.
Kinda like manure, I guess.

Only a couple years ago,
apparently I was just a whiny, pompous, self-centered, emo, angry, needy kid who couldn't admit he was wrong.
maybe i still am those things.
but there's growth. massive growth.
It sucks that I had to be that person.
I can't believe Lauren read that crap every night and didn't kill herself.
It sucks that she had to see me be that person.
It sucks that anyone had know me then.
So self-consumed. So self-righteous.
I grieve for the damage I caused others.

I was so judgmental, yet condemned others for the same thing.
I was close minded and selfish.

Not to say I'm perfect now.
It's just to say that seeing God's work in my life is absolutely captivating.
It's beautiful.
He's beautiful.
I don't know how to adequately describe the joy it brings me to see that He has worked in my life. ME!
Maybe there are no words. Maybe that's why God made tears.
Maybe that's the only way to adequately express that overflow of joy.