Soul coughing

Oh my word. My soul has been so squirmy this weekend!
So much wrestling with God over the state of my heart and my true intentions and motivations for Him.
I keep thinking of the line in "Hold me Jesus" that says
"It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart."

That is exactly what it feels like. It aches and it yearns. It wants more.
I can't describe it. It's a good place, but it's a hard place, a confusing place.

Is this what brokenness looks like? I think He's breaking me. I like it. but it can be quite uncomfortable.

Searching for answers, but getting silence.
It's just been a weekend of really pressing into God and just being alone with Him.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Like, the only thing I want is Him. yet i want other things too. and maybe that's not bad.
But how much am I supposed to desire other things?
I want all I want to be Him and Him alone.
I want to crave Him.
But I still desire other things. Not to take His place or anything.
I desire good things, but do I desire them too much?
Have I taken something beautiful and made it central?

Aw heck, I don't know!
But I did see Him answer some of my most fervent prayers in the most beautiful way today. mmmm.
and it's just...for the last 6 months or so, I cry at everything! not even kidding. It's not a bad thing, it's a really wonderful thing. I'm just not historically a crier and i don't know what's happening to me! It's not like flat-out bawling or anything. But it's the simple things, a song, a lyric, a commercial on tv, etc. Anything that reveals His beauty or His love for us. oh mercy, I was on the verge of tears for the first 30 minutes of Cinema Paradiso last week because it touched me so much. I don't know what I'm really saying...He's softening my heart. He's convicting me. I think i overwhelm myself with all the ways I want to change so i can know Him better. But i can't learn everything i once, i can't spend all my time alone in prayer. It's like, He'll give me a brief glimpse of Him and that'll be all I want and I'll get frustrated when I don't get enough time to just be with Him.

ugh. i'm tired of trying to explain.

lame.
fail.
I'm out.

So that's been my weekend. Frustrating. but wonderful.