Am i doing something wrong????

Does this happen to anyone else?

Ya get back from working out, and are getting ready to get in the shower.
But when you try to take your shirt off, you only get it up over your head before it gets stuck
because of all the sweat so you're stuck with your head inside the shirt with the unholiest stink ever. So you're holding your breath and desperately trying to tug the thing off and end up falling to the floor.

Does that happen to anyone else every single day or am i doing something wrong?

HELP ME!!

I don't want my obituary to include the words "...trying to remove his shirt"

At the risk of sounding retarded...

I don't get Lent.

Well, I do. Kinda.

I see all the things people choose to give up, like:
caffeine, sugar, desserts, facebook, tv, etc.

It makes me think that maybe we all need a little more discipline in our lives.
If these things play such a role in our lives that it's a sacrifice to give them up,
then maybe what we need in the first place is discipline.

I suppose the purpose of fasting is to honor God, be reminded of Him, and spend that time with Him.

But if we were disciplined in our lives, we could have make Him a priority and have extra time with Him all year!
Forty days is great, but after the 40 days, you're right back where you started, over-indulging in these things.
If you aren't wasting your time on these things but you're undisciplined, then you're just going to find something else that wastes your time.

Especially with the facebook, internet, tv fasts. Generally if you fast from one, it just means you spend more time with one of the others.

It seems we would be better served if we would be purposeful and discerning about what we engage in the rest of the year so that nothing would play such a big role in our lives that it's hard to give up for the sake of Christ. He's better than all these things, ya know?

So many of us don't realize where our time goes and how we spend it.
So many of us don't moderate what we eat and drink.
If we paid attention, then we wouldn't overindulge in even the good things, and it would be easier to hear His sweet voice.


....or whatever.
what the crap would I-I know?!
I'm just a mostly-retarded,know-nothing, self-seeking, Bible-school dropout!

*end self-righteous rant*

The Art of Breaking

Ah, so this is what breaking feels like. I'd forgotten.

I'm ready for it to be made into something beautiful on the other side.

Faith feels like just murder. These little deaths keep hurting.


.

let's make one thing clear

CRETH DAVIS -
BIG FOOT -

Note the similarity in excessive facial face.

Glad we could talk about that.

Remember that time that i was so sleepy?

heh heh! i'm sleepy!

i'm a lot sleepy even!

heh heh heh heh

Rainbow Connection

I hate coming up with titles for these things.
I'm not a concise person and can never come up
with anything pithy enough that leaves me feeling satisfied.

so eh.

I've been selling my old stuff on eBay these last couple weeks.
Frankly, I just own too much stuff. That always convicts me.
And half this stuff I've way out-awesomed and am way too cool to be associated with it anymore.

I sold The Muppet Movie soundtrack to a chickadee in Australia for $81! Recession my butt!
I listen to an Australian country station sometimes and apparently they're all recessed-up like the US, buuuut I'm just not feeling it!

That's not the most I've ever sold a CD for though.
I sold a Caedmon's Call cd for around $100 bucks a few years ago. It was an old independent album that I'd picked up in a used cd store for a few bucks a long time ago.

Another story with a moral:
Some dude bid on 15 of my cds last week, and it perplexed me because it was a quite a melange of genres. It ranged from old-school crappy Christian music to old-school pretty decent Christian music to soft, sulty music to vocal music to.....Tears for Fears? yes. Tears for Fears. And not even one of their decent albums.
I found that intriguing.
So the auctions ended and i got a message on ebay...turns out this guy is
the annoying guy i used to WORK WITH!
That blew my mind for the rest of the day.
He just lives over in South Garland too. So nuts.
but that certainly explains the variety in music. He's peculiar.

But the moral of this story for me goes like this:
This guy is the nicest guy you've ever met, unbelievably friendly, and a brother in Christ.
Yet I also found him to be the most annoying man ever and would find myself looking for another job just to get away from him.
He sat 5 feet away from me and we faced each other, so I got to watch him eat and nap all day.
He's a large, large man. (I mean that as no insult, honestly.)
Oh mercy and he chewed like it an olympic sport. He could make a eating a marshmellow sound like he was chewing on gravel. no joke.
And the list goes on and on....he irritated me and I'd go home with stress in my shoulders every night.
I only worked with him for about 6 months. He never really did any work and I think he knew he was going to get fired so he quit and went back to the Helpdesk, which honestly, he was perfectly suited for.

But when i found out that HE was the one who'd bought all my cds, I took it as a gentle reminder from the Lord of my attitude back then and how I need to be more loving to everyone.
Even those who make me want to punch myself in the face.
Even those who are other Believers (who, honestly, I can have a harder time loving and being patient...and something else I realized through this)

It felt like a gentle reminder from the Lord of who I want to be, and how I-I-I need to be more like Commodore, because he was very, very full of grace and love. He knew how to love people.
There was also a lesson in there for me about not being rude about people even in my own head.
It's easier to be loving outwardly than inwardly. I want to take every thought captive.

So I spent some time thinking about him and trying to learn from the example that he was.

God's weird.
He's very odd in how He chooses to teach us lessons.
Or maybe that's just me because I'd ridiculously stubborn.


oh! and i kinda-sorta fell off a treadmill last week at the gym. thought you should know that.

Soul coughing

Oh my word. My soul has been so squirmy this weekend!
So much wrestling with God over the state of my heart and my true intentions and motivations for Him.
I keep thinking of the line in "Hold me Jesus" that says
"It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart."

That is exactly what it feels like. It aches and it yearns. It wants more.
I can't describe it. It's a good place, but it's a hard place, a confusing place.

Is this what brokenness looks like? I think He's breaking me. I like it. but it can be quite uncomfortable.

Searching for answers, but getting silence.
It's just been a weekend of really pressing into God and just being alone with Him.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Like, the only thing I want is Him. yet i want other things too. and maybe that's not bad.
But how much am I supposed to desire other things?
I want all I want to be Him and Him alone.
I want to crave Him.
But I still desire other things. Not to take His place or anything.
I desire good things, but do I desire them too much?
Have I taken something beautiful and made it central?

Aw heck, I don't know!
But I did see Him answer some of my most fervent prayers in the most beautiful way today. mmmm.
and it's just...for the last 6 months or so, I cry at everything! not even kidding. It's not a bad thing, it's a really wonderful thing. I'm just not historically a crier and i don't know what's happening to me! It's not like flat-out bawling or anything. But it's the simple things, a song, a lyric, a commercial on tv, etc. Anything that reveals His beauty or His love for us. oh mercy, I was on the verge of tears for the first 30 minutes of Cinema Paradiso last week because it touched me so much. I don't know what I'm really saying...He's softening my heart. He's convicting me. I think i overwhelm myself with all the ways I want to change so i can know Him better. But i can't learn everything i once, i can't spend all my time alone in prayer. It's like, He'll give me a brief glimpse of Him and that'll be all I want and I'll get frustrated when I don't get enough time to just be with Him.

ugh. i'm tired of trying to explain.

lame.
fail.
I'm out.

So that's been my weekend. Frustrating. but wonderful.

Happy V-day from my little black heart

If you're the praying type, I'd sure love to receive some prayer.
I have a feeling this is a wrestle-with-God and clean-out-the-wicked-little-heart night.

At least, I hope it is.
Cuz I need it.

I need to examine the motivations of my heart.
I need to God to expose me to my own depravity, which means that I need to beg Him to give me a glimpse of His glory.
His beauty is what illuminates my sin.
I need that. I walk in blindness to my own humanity, my own sin.

I need to think about how I'm doing and what I'm doing in regards to my part in the sanctification process.
Where is my focus?
Where is my heart?
Are my motivations birthed out of a desire to bring Him praise and make His name known?
Or do I at times play religion games?
Do I desire Godliness for His glory and my sanctification
or do I desire it because I am pious and want to impress people?

I want my worship to be pure.
I don't want to be content with where I am, even though I really am in a really beautiful place right now.

I want to press into God. I want to hear His heartbeat. I want to know how to serve and love everyone I encounter. and I know that only comes from walking deeply with Him and finding my joy in Him.
I want to know how to minister to the post office workers, the desk lady at the gym, and all the random people I encounter. I see them as souls, I feel the need to love and serve them, but how?

(here's a picture of a monkey that looks like a demon so that you don't get bored with all this heart vomit.)

I have a hard time living in this world without being radical. Yet i don't know how to be radical!
It's so hard to be a consumer. It's so frustrating to live in such a hollow place, surrounded by zombies that find their joy in the things they buy, the people they love, the things they do.
I can understand that for the people that don't know Him.
But how can you know Him and be content living the simple American life?
How can you derive joy from anything without Him as the source?
That has to be the hardest kind of life.
To be so happy that you don't need more.
To be satisfied with living the dream of getting married, having kids, living in the suburbs, going to church, going on mission trips.
That's good stuff, but man, our lives aren't ours.
It's all for Him. It's all about Him. Even His blessings to us are about Him, for HIS glory!
But we've made it all about us. Even the church.
It's all His and we're wasting it all on ourselves as if it belongs to us.
As if our lives were our own, as if our wives and kids belong to US.
It makes my soul want to vomit.

It depresses me to be surrounded by a dying world.
and even more depressing not to know MY role and where I begin.
How do I-I push back against the darkness?

and I think I need to start with the darkness in my own heart.
But this whole taking life easy thing is not cool.
This whole making ourselves happy thing is crushing.
We're here briefly and we're here with a purpose.
If our lives terminate on themselves, we've missed the point.
And i know that's all very obvious but sometimes it weighs me down.
Especially when I see symptoms creeping into my own life.
I'm not sure i ever want to be comfortable in this life.

and also, why are some guys obsessed with butts? dude, that's a poop factory, why are you licking your lips when you're looking at that??
Do you think God intended us to be attracted to butts? i seriously don't get it. if you like butts so much, buy a mirror.
Do you think it's part of the depravity of man that we've taken that and turned it into a sexual object? Or is there God's design in people's attractions to butts?
Perhaps it's simply a cultural thing. But is it sinful? Is it a perversion of God's design in our attraction for one another? That's the exit for the nastiest of human nasties. so what's the deal? cuz i don't get it!

Love left a window in the Skies

I was praying this morning and this song popped into my head.
And I guess isn't surprising since it's the most played song on my itunes (or maybe it's second to U2's "Yahweh")

Oh can't you see what love has done to every broken heart?

This is my favorite U2 song, and definitely my favorite music video ever.

I don't know if Bono intended it to be about Jesus, but I have a
suspicion that he did. He doesn't seem to do many things without purpose.
He has a gift for weaving God throughout his art like no one I've ever seen.
I'm sure you doubt or think I'm retarded.
But in fact, God has used Bono to play a very instrumental role in breaking down my heart.

And for me this is a breathtaking love song to God, and the video, a tribute to His love for us.

I first saw this video in church several months ago.
I think it's beautiful. It blows my heart up big time.


I couldn't embed it because it was disabled, so i'm just going to implore you to click the link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQAdB9KAhdI


"the rule has been disproved
the stone it has been moved
the grain is now a groove
all debts are removed"


and yeah, I realize that lately my blog has mostly just been about things that have stirred my heart for Christ. and i'd apologize for that except I'm not sorry. so you can deal with it.
I have to have an outlet to express my joy. so kiss my butt.

Cinema Paradiso

I just finished watching "Cinema Paradiso" for the first time. yeah, the first time. i know, i know. Late to the party. what's new?
Not really sure how I got a film class without seeing it, but somehow I did.

That might be the best movie I've ever seen.
In fact I'm pretty sure it is.
That film moved me. Like, really moved me.
For me, every moment was like that joy in my heart when Christmas is near. It was the joy of experiencing something so exquisite mixed the revelry of expecting something wonderful as well.
And when it was over, I feel like someone had watered my soul because it was full and blooming.

(and I know that's a cheesy analogy, but that's the only way I can describe it.)

I can't even explain all the reasons I loved it so much. But it made me love God more. It stirred my affections for Him.

It's a film that accurately describes why I love movies. (and music and the arts for that matter) To see the passion people had for movies, because the movies made them feel.
It made them laugh, it made them cry, it made them angry.
And this is such a beautiful depiction of the gifts that God gives. That's what overwhelmed me the most, seeing God's goodness, seeing God's good gifts displayed so brightly.

I'm always moved by people with passion because I know that's a gift and that's a reflection of God Himself. He is passionate. and we are made in His image.

I'm always moved by people who pursue the dreams God gives them and people who actually use the skills and talents He's given them. Even if it's mundane things like running a projector.

I'm always moved when I stop and see and contemplate where we've come from and how we've changed as a people, and how each of us changes personally.

It was so real. So human. So full.

I loved it. You might not. and that's cool. That's the blessing of how we're all made different. Different things stir different people's hearts. But this stirred mine, and i just had to share that.

...and the music was breathtaking and the cinematography was stunning.

and that's the Cliff Notes version of why I liked this movie!

Even If It Kills Me

Ugh.
It's been a long, long time since I've been this stressed out.
I way over-committed myself. I can't do everything.
But I'm trying.

If I could make music, I would make music that feel like places.
Songs that when you heard them, you'd feel like you were in Albuquerque or Louisville or Denver.
Not because of the lyrics, and not because of the genre of music,
but because the music just feels like those places.
Even if you've never been there.

That's the beauty of music. That's the power of music.
Even just a melody can have you exploring places you've never been.

Does that happen to anyone else? Do you ever hear a song and feel like you're in San Diego or Lubbock or Rome? That happens to me at random moments. Music takes me places, even if it wasn't intended to. So if I could make music, command an orchestra or front a band,
I'd make music that took people places.
I love music and could write about it for hours if I'm not careful, but this is just one tiny aspect of the puissance and majesty of music that captivates me.


I've never understood why people would want to eat
Chik-fil-a for breakfast. Chicken doesn't make the best
breakfast food. I mean, it's not bad but it doesn't seem
like a very light & happy breakfast.
It's the black sheep of breakfast.
There's not enough fluffiness for it to be an ideal breakfast.

Axed!

Why does the scent of all Axe products smell like puberty?

No joke. It smells like a 13-year old boy who is trying to mask the fact that he didn't shower in PE with cheap cologne. It smells like sweat and hormones.

Seriously, I feel like a pervert just smelling their products.

This is the scent that's supposed to attract women like a magnet? Yeah, I guess if you're trying to attract a junior high girl with a wonky olfactory system, then maybe the commercials hold a shred of truth.

I heard a rumor that Axe is made out of puppy tears, caterpillar pee and cigarette ashes.
True fact! maybe.

This guy loves Axe because its the only form of terrorism that's legal in America.
....and it makes him feel pretty.


"Akright, I used a whole can, where are my chicks?"


"Ok, this is the wrong Axe effect! Crap. (Literally)"

"Where is that awful smell coming from"
Dirk uses Axe as a distraction technique.

"Chicken or Egg: Am I cool because I use Axe or do I use Axe because I'm cool?"


This is what happens when you subject your girl to years of the Axe "fragrance".
She's lucky her head didn't outright explode.


" I don't shower. I just bathe in Axe. Works too, look at all these ladies surrounding me!"


This poor kid just found out the hard way that there's no such thing as the Axe effect.

We All Have Our Baggage

There was a very beautiful woman named Gina on Airline that was a customer service rep at Baltimore-Washington International. I remember on one of the final episodes, she became a flight attendant. I just wonder whatever happened to her. They stopped filming the show 4 years ago.
I wonder if she's still a flight attendant.

I absolutely loved that show. I still watch the re-runs every day even though I've seen every episode several times. I love shows about travel and I love shows about real people & real, normal life. And Airline was the perfect combination. A wonderful study in human behavior and people react to different situations.
It's like sitting in an airport and just watching people. The angry people, the drunk people, the jubilant people, it's all there! Airports are one of my favorite places on the planet because they're full of emotion! So much joy in excited people leaving for a trip, happy family members receiving someone home, travelers grieving and on their was to funerals. Every emotion possible, you find it in the airport and I love it! It really stirs my soul to see people so alive.

I sometimes contemplate becoming a flight attendant when I eventually get fired or "let go"
Though, I'm not sure it's a great job for an INFP, I think I'd enjoy and I think I'd be good at it.

I like to watch the show and try to imagine how I'd react in people's situations of delayed flights, being denied admittance to the plane, losing a ticket or any of the thousand frustrating things.
I also like to try and imagine how I would handle the situations if I was customer service and being yelled and screamed and cussed at. What would I do? Could I still be gracious and loving?


oooh...gotta shower and go get hairs cut! TTFN!

Am I Insane? This might be proof!

Ok, tell me if you do this too or if I'm just a freak.

Sometimes when I've driving down a road or highway that I've driven down a thousand times, I pretend that I'm a visitor from somewhere else that is seeing all of this for the first time and trying to imaging what the lives of the people in this city might be like.
Make sense?

I guess because I've spend a lot of time on road trips and been to tons of foreign cities.
Each time I'm driving through an unfamiliar city (be it Albuquerque, El Paso, Phoenix, Garden Grove, Etc.) it all seems so beautiful and different and kinda...peaceful.
I always try to imagine what it would be like to live there, what it would feel like.
I imagine the different jobs and places to see.
I imagine what it would feel like if that were my grocery store (all grocery stores have a different feel) or what it would be like if that were my 7-11 that I always frequented.

And the city lights always captivate me.

I imagine how the sun would soak the city and reflect off the buildings and land. (That's vital!)
And even the most common places like Applebee's and Target and Blockbuster hold a romantic mystique.
I guess that's simply because it's an unfamiliar version of the familiar.

I wonder if you move to somewhere else if that feel ever wears off.
I lived in Chicago for 3 years. That magic never really wore off for me. It always seemed new and wonderous.

And that's ironic because I think the beauty of living in one place your whole life is that you know the place, the ins and out.
You know where you are. Not just in the city, but in the world.
You feel like you have a place you belong.
And every turn you make, every street you drive down brings back a flood of memories and feelings.
I love that! That's a very transcendent feeling. It's absolutely wonderful.

Yet, on the other hand, moving to live somewhere else, there's always that mystique and romance of new discoveries and seeing everything for the first time and not having that sense of belonging.

So yeah, sometimes, I pretend I'm a visitor to Dallas and what they would think and feel seeing it all for the first time and I wonder if they get that romantic feeling about Dallas that i get when i visit other places.

Or sometimes, when I'm driving down the highway at night, I'll pretend that I'm in California and everything is new to me, that the ocean is nearby, and new sights and experiences await around every corner. I'll give Dallas that cozy SoCal feel and let the joy of vacation sweep through me, if only for a moment.

Or sometimes I pretend I'm in a city in New Mexico and have just spent the whole day driving through the desert. And I think that's part of the mystique, if you've been driving all day, you know what land surrounds the city, it makes the city feel like a small dot on a map and not it's own unique place. It's just a more populated place in the middle of a desert or plain. Makes it all feel small. But if you live somewhere, it doesn't feel that way at all. It feels big.

Do other people do this? Probably not, huh? It'd be comforting if other people did!
It's probably just because I'm a dreamer. I think i just see the world differently.
And that's ok, because it washes everything in a mist of beauty.

....ooooor maybe I'm just a plain ole freak!

Who I Am Hates Who I Was

So I spent a majority of this afternoon reading through
entries on my old bliggity blog.
It shocked me.
I can't believe that was me.
I would so not be able to be friends with that person.
I'd have a very hard time loving that person.
But that was me.

It was startling to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.
It reminds me of a sermon from a few months ago,
the mantra still rings in my head--

Sanctification is a crawl.

It's a beautiful process how we grow daily and don't even realize until we stop and look back.
It's beautiful that we each have our own path the leads us to holiness.
Different circumstances, different experiences.
Our heart learn on different levels.
It takes some people longer.
Sometimes it takes pain. Sometimes it takes years of foolishly chasing after the wind.

My heart swells with joy at the knowledge that the Lord has me on my path.
Though it's a doggone wonky path, it's the path I had to take.
It's the path that leads Home.
And I take comfort in knowing that it all works for good.
Only a loving God could take all our failures and jerkiciousness and use it to grow something beautiful.
Kinda like manure, I guess.

Only a couple years ago,
apparently I was just a whiny, pompous, self-centered, emo, angry, needy kid who couldn't admit he was wrong.
maybe i still am those things.
but there's growth. massive growth.
It sucks that I had to be that person.
I can't believe Lauren read that crap every night and didn't kill herself.
It sucks that she had to see me be that person.
It sucks that anyone had know me then.
So self-consumed. So self-righteous.
I grieve for the damage I caused others.

I was so judgmental, yet condemned others for the same thing.
I was close minded and selfish.

Not to say I'm perfect now.
It's just to say that seeing God's work in my life is absolutely captivating.
It's beautiful.
He's beautiful.
I don't know how to adequately describe the joy it brings me to see that He has worked in my life. ME!
Maybe there are no words. Maybe that's why God made tears.
Maybe that's the only way to adequately express that overflow of joy.

The Land of the Free

I've been meaning to post this for the last 5 months or so. I think I've been putting it off because I know I even begin to adequately describe how much it speaks to my heart. This song has been pulverizing my heart for months....and I love that. It's convicting, but it's beautiful and joyous and full of hope. My hear swells when i listen to it. This is by Andrew Peterson, who, coincidentally, is the author of the prose in my previous post.

Little Alba, how’s the sun in south America?
Does it shine upon the faces of the poor?
Do they see in it the brilliance of the place that’s been prepared
and dwell upon the hope of what’s in store?
Or are they just like me, do they only see an opportunity to complain about the heat?

and little Alba, how’s the rain in South America?
Does it fall upon the roof tops of the sick?
Do they thank the lord for coming up with such a great idea
and dream about a place beyond all this?
Or are they just like us, do they gripe and fuss
about the rain and mud when they’ve had too much?

Cause I’m just a little jealous of the nothing that you have.
You’re unfettered by the wealth of the world that we pretend is going to last

Well I’m weary of the spoils of my ambition
and I’m shackled by the comfort of my couch.
I wish I had the courage to deny these of my self
and start to store my treasure in the clouds.
For this is not my home,
I do not belong where the antelope and the buffalo roam.

Cause I’m just a little jealous of the nothing that you have.
You’re unfettered by the wealth of
the world that we pretend that’s going to last.

They say God’s blessed us with plenty.
I say you’re blessed with poverty.
cause you never stop to wonder
whether earth is just a little better than the Land of the Free

So I hope you’re safe and dry in South America
cause I’m feeling pretty good in Tennessee.
May you never be so happy that you forget about your Home
your Home in the Land of the Free

Dang that thing gets me every time. It flips my world upside down. We think WE'RE the blessed ones because we have so much. but maybe the poor are the blessed ones because they only have Heaven to look forward to, and don't have their hands clenched so tightly around the things of Earth. And maybe the poor see blessings in things we take for granted, like the sun, the heat, the rain. and I'm definitely not someone who portrays the poor as superhero saints.

But the song re-focuses my eyes and makes me take stock of what I'm holding on to and how I see the world. It kicks me out of my own little world and again forces me to see this as a place where I'm just a vagabond. This isn't my Home and I have to stop living like it. I can't be content with pleasing myself and seeking comfort. I'm only here for a blink and I have got work to do while I'm here. I have to quit living like my life terminates on me. It's not about me. It never was. and i know that, but this song kicks my butt out of whatever self-centered world I'm living in. I lose sight of what true freedom is and I take it for granted. I'm not free because I live in America and can say whatever i want. THAT is not freedom. And I know I take true freedom for granted. I'm so content with this earthly freedom that I lose my focus from the true freedom we've been given.

I let the comfort of earth overwhelm my joy that can only be found in things eternal.

Sometimes I just need that reminder to not be so danged self-centered and human and get back to task. This life has nothing to do with me.

Maybe you never be so happy that you for get about your Home.....your home in the Land of the Free.