and if you feel lost and tired, this is your song...

In all of my obscene foresight and wisdom, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the hardest thing about marriage is deciding what to listen to in the car.

As the man, I believe it's my duty to serve my wife, so I'd let her decide. But is that something I can live with? What if she's perfectly normal hot, Godly woman, except that she loves European acid techo dance beats? What if that's ALL she likes?? Who would have ever thought that being a servant leader could be THAT hard??

One of my biggest dilemmas in life is deciding whether to talk or listen to music in the car. If I had my choice, it'd be music. Except I love good conversation and car rides are very conducive to that. But then again, is there really a better place to sing your lungs out then that friendly confines of your car? In your car, you can sing as loud and as awfully as you want, no matter who is in the car. That's a beautiful thing!

I'm not sure there's much I really love more than listening and singing to music. Oh my mercy I suck at singing, but I honestly couldn't care less.

When I buy a house, I don't really care how big it is...wait, that's a lie. I would love a house big enough for lots of entertaining and guests....but I really would like a big kitchen so that I can cook and listen to music and sing without bothering everyone else.

Ya dig?

Christmas eve

Man, next year I need to go to the Christmas eve service alone, so that I can sit on the last row and just cry my eyes out.

God and sinner reconciled. Is there any greater gift?

I think I gave myself a headache yesterday trying to hold in all the tears where desperately trying to escape.

Christmas eve might be my favorite day of the year. It's SUCH a celebration!!

*sigh*

i need my hands wrenched open because i think i care too much.

morning has broken

I never get tired of watching the world wake up and come alive. Looking out from my view on the top floor, I watch the landscape come alive. It’s breathtaking and humbling. The night is leaving us and day is returning. As the sun slowly spreads itself out, cracking the fragile shell of darkness that has sheltered us, I watch lights all across the horizon everywhere tink off one by one as if the last hurrah of another successful night.
The still and peacefulness of night is once again transformed back into chaos and stress. The world that was recently blanketed in silence and solitude has given itself over to the cacophony of voices and engines. I am no longer alone as I fade into just another face in the restless masses.
There’s a hint of sadness in leaving the serene tranquility behind, yet within each morning there is a deep abiding joy. As the Earth is renewed again, so is my heart. The reflection of His overwhelming beauty explodes all over the landscape and all of creation is washed in His radiant sunlight and sparkles with the newness of the day; So my soul is scrubbed clean of any pride undermining my joy and I am once again caught up in the euphoria of His love that is fervently romancing me.

So, the solitude the night afforded me has nourished my heart in anticipation for joy of the day. What good is the night without the day?

The promise of hope is always on the horizon.

Take Delight

My reading this morning was in 2 Peter. He’s talking about how He was a witness to Christ, His resurrection and transfiguration, and I misread it. It says, “…a voice came to Him from Majestic Glory: This is my Son, I take delight in Him.”

The way I read it, I though it said, “This is my Son, Take delight in Him.”

So that’s not what it says, but isn’t that a wonderful command nonetheless? Take delight in Him. Isn’t that what all of this is about? Isn’t that the purpose of our lives?

I don’t know that I can really expound on that any further. I was just left in awe this morning. I spent time thinking about Jesus and taking joy in Him. Not just joy in what He did for me, but joy in His overwhelming majesty! I always want to find my joy in who He is, and not just in the incredible things He’s done for me. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. My salvation isn’t about me, it’s about Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. It’s about who He is, and who He is demands praise. In the presence of a beauty that powerful, all you really want to do is worship and glorify Him! Heck, it’s so overwhelming, it’s all you really can do!
 My only job is to submit to his magnificent glory. And how could you do anything less in the presence of such a glorious, loving King??

So yeah, I like the idea of taking delight in Him. That’s where our hope is. That’s where our hearts are hidden. He is everything we need.  Take delight in Him and nothing else matters. His beauty put everything in perspective.

Come on down!

This is an attempt to curb my freakish desire to always tell people when I dream about them. Whenever I wake up having dreamt about someone I always think, "Oh so-and-so would love this! They'll think it's so random and hilarious!!" 
Um, no. It's creepy and weird.
So I'm trying to curb that ludicrous train of thought.

However, I-I-I do still find my dreams amusing, even if it's only because I was actually there to see how fun and hilarious they are.

So despite my better judgment, I found this a-moos-ing...

First I was at the gym. Or rather, I was at a gym, since this one had a roller coaster and carnival inside. But Jared Compton was there working out, and so was Tracy Osborn.  Jared was trying to talk to me about S. Korea and catch up on life. Tracy, I don't know what she was doing. Just hanging out I guess. Some mean guy was hogging a machine I wanted to use, so I went to find something else to use and I fell in the pond.

Next dream, Joel and I were going to a taping of The Price is Right. We were waiting in line to get in and I told him to act really really excited so that they'd be sure to "randomly" pick our names to play. We got to fill out our own name tags, so I wrote "Jordan!!!!!!!" so that they'd know I was very excited. Haha! It seriously took me about 10 minutes to color in the exclamation points.

    When I finally got done with my awesome name tag, I went inside the auditorium to find Joel (who at the point at turned into Drew Johnson instead). When I walked in I saw Karis Butler standing there waiting for, I assumed, more JBU people. Yeah, I thought that was weird even in my dream. I did a double take to make sure it was really her, but I couldn't mistake the hair. It was her. I thought, "Really? Karis? huh?? How odd. ooooh! We must be in Tulsa! okay. That makes sense. yeah there will probably be a lot of JBUers here. Oh, but wait. There's David Hatteberg! What would HE be doing in Tulsa?"
         I going to go introduce myself to Karis and then talk to David for a while, but all of a sudden BAM! we were in the middle of the show being taped! They hadn't called my name yet, but I was on the front row watching it all.
The host? Dave Foley. of course....? oh and he wasn't just an actor, he was also an astronaut. Because that makes sense.  I thought, "I can't remember the episode of Newsradio where he was an astronaut." Then I realized that was bc he really IS an astronaut now.


See? aren't my dreams fun??? you better not be shaking your head, because if you are, you're a liar! [smiley face]

.

.              A young dave foley. He's one of the good Canadians.

a christmas miracle?

I MIGHT have just almost cried at a Kay Jeweler's commercial.
Luckily I realized what I was doing and started laughing at myself before any real tears actually made it all the way out of my eyes.

Hahaha! Those stupid sweet commercials.

Oh man....what is wrong with me?

Does this mean I'm pregnant or something?

Oh gosh I hope not!

everyday sunday

I wish every morning could start like Sunday starts. Why can't it?

 Why couldn't we all meet at church at 7am every day, listening to Jesus being preached, join with the saints in singing to our Savior, then go about our day?

That would be the best life ever.

Heart vomit

I have no idea where this blog is going to go.
I don't even know if it's a good idea to be writing anything right now.
All I really DO know is that this is going to be honest and probably embarrassing.
I shall reveal my ignorance to you now. [smiley face] (I don't use emoticons. those are for squares, man.)

My head and heart are blown in a thousand directions right now. I want to understand. I want to understand everything. I believe that my strongest desire in life is to pursue Christ and live a life of worship. But I'm SUCH a cognitive person that I come up with hundreds of questions a day trying to figure out what it means to be a Godly man.

This sanctification process is beating me senseless. I know it's good in the end, but it's friggin' hard. I'll think I have my heart figured out in one area, only to be unconvinced seemingly immediately. I just want to know the truth. I want to understand my heart, and understand what the HECK God is doing in situations in my life. I want to understand what things are from Him and which things are simply a result of my own sinful nature. I want to understand clearly what He's saying and what direction He wants me to go. even in the little things.

The sermon in church today was interesting. It wasn't dynamic or even necessarily enthralling, but God used some of it to blow open my mind.
I think the thing I find myself consistently anxious about it marriage. (I seriously hate admitting this.) I'm not sure there's really anything else in my life that makes me anxious.
I live a pretty well-examine life. But if I'm being honest with myself, when it comes to this arena, I tend to overestimate my role, which causes worry/stress/ungodly anxiety.
I find myself trying to conform to who I think my future wife would want me to be. Even though there's no one right now, I find myself living for her approval. yeah, i know, right? That doesn't even make sense. But it's absolutely true. I think about what she would think of me, and I judge myself accordingly.
I put a lot of attention on that area, and I get anxious thinking that it has to be my doing, that I have to control the situation and make things happen. I have to make her like me. I have to make her attracted to me. As if that's really even possible! HA!

I'm having a seriously difficult time explaining myself here. But basically, for me it all comes down to Matthew 6:33: But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My job is to pursue Him. He provides what I need. How do I lose focus of such a simple concept? Even in my pursuit of Him, I kinda take the reigns on certain issues. Like, I'll feel like it's my duty and my responsibility to make things happen, so I pray and pray that I would do His will and show me will. I so desperately want to know what He wants me to do, so I can do it. But in the end, it seems like He's saying just stop. If I really need the things I think I need, it's in His hands.
I get so caught up in the idea of not wanting to ask God for something and then not doing anything myself, and just being lazy? Like, "God, please help this situation to get resolved" and then not make any effort on my part and just expect Him to do everything. I fight against that idea SO hard that I unknowingly swing back in the other direction and I start trying to do more than has been allotted for me. Some things are out of my control, and there's nothing that I-I-I can do about it, but I want to do my part, but I don't know what God is telling me to do, and I don't know what His end result will be....and I get anxious.
It's stupid and I really can't explain it.
A couple weeks ago, they wasn't really even an issue for me at all.
How do I subtly lose my single-mindedness? Even when I think I'm pursuing God's will.
silly little man.

So there's that stuff exploding in my heart all day. Another issue I've wrestled with this weekend is hurt and the Godly response to that. Unknowingly, I had myself convinced that it was unacceptable to allow myself to feel hurt.
That's such a tricky issue for me because I realize that a lot of hurt in my past was basically rooted in my own pride and even my own bitterness...which is also a result of pride. So when someone hurts me now, I immediately reject it and search my heart for where I'm harboring selfish ideals that would cause me to feel hurt.
Tonight, I'm realizing that sometimes it's okay to just be hurt.
The issue comes with how you handle the hurt, and how you allow it to affect you. Some times it can morph into anger, which over time, morphs into bitterness. I'm telling ya, bitterness is more prevalent in our lives than we realize.
My reaction to my feeling hurt this week, let me to point the finger at myself by saying that I deserve it because this particular situation is simply a result of sin and a hard heart from years past. There are consequences to sin, and I just accepted that the mature response would be to acquiesce to the consequences and just take it. I felt like I had no right to be hurt no matter how badly I was treated because I deserved it.
What's difficult for me is that part of that IS true! But what I didn't realize is that it's still okay to be hurt. Who can define what's fair? Who can determine who deserves what? Did I deserve the treatment I received? It doesn't matter! see! maybe I do, maybe I don't.
When you have such a sovereign God, no one really deserves anything, good or bad. We're still blessed with grace either way.
So, I'm still working my way through this one, because my instinct is to want to know why I was treated this way. But I know that's really quite irrelevant, and if I were to dwell on that question, it would become very unhealthy very quickly. I still feel like I-I should apologize because I know that in some way, I've caused them to treat me this way. I want to seek forgiveness for my attitudes or actions that made them feel like they need to respond in this manner. I don't need to understand why. I don't need to understand anything. I just need to realize that I'm not faultless.

So hurt. Let yourself feel hurt. It's ok. But you need to have discipline in how you hurt.
Discipline in everything.
The whole purpose of Proverbs is to teach wisdom and discipline! The two are directly related.

So tonight I'm almost happy to say - I'm hurting. I've been pushing it away all weekend. So tonight I'll hurt, yet pursue Christ through the hurt and see how He's speaking to me and what He's teaching me in this situation.


So...yeah. That's a brief overview of what's up in my head and heart. That was me being vulnerable. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to pursue Godliness at all costs. So if I need rebuke or if my thinking is in error, please talk to me!
Everyone talks about wanting to be honest and real, but given the chance, most people just take the easy way. I want the easy way too, but even more I want to do what is right.

i really hope i don't sound self righteous or smug. I apologize if i came off that way at all, I swear I was honestly talking off the tip of my heart. I still haven't fully processed some of these thoughts. They're still in their infancy, but I share them nonetheless.

Love you, my dear homies. oooooh...i wanted to write about church today too!! eh. oh well.

The Weakest Link

I'm a blogoholic lately. I guess that's what procrastination will do to you. I hate it when I'm undisciplined. This time of year lends itself to that.

The last four people I've emailed haven't responded. Granted, most of them were those quasi-uncomfortable "hey man, how's your spiritual life? what've you been learning about Jesus? where's your heart" kinda conversations. Well I guess they aren't really conversations since I'm the only one talking! haha!

I've about had it with Apple. Their products make me INSANE. You pay literally twice as much for their machines, then you have to keep pouring money into it because they issue updates every other day and everything gets outdated and doesn't function anymore. Don't even get me started on iTunes. I love it, I use it. I hate it, it makes me want to scream. There are too many restrictions and regulations on everything. There have been a few nights this year when I've just about lost mind freakin mind trying to get their dang products to function correctly.

UNT is offering a entire course on vampires. seriously? oh America. I could go on, oh I could go on, but I think the Lord has really worked a lot of the cynicism out of my heart.

I don't like cynics. Sarcasm can wear me out too. Sarcasm's interesting because it can be a beautiful, finely-crafted tool but it can also be a very destructive weapon without you even realizing. It's a thin line. Until I can master staying on the right side of that line, it's something I do better to avoid, which honestly can be a bummer because I do enjoy it. *sigh* But it's more important to make sure that I use it in a Godly manner. Gotta get that down first.

I worry about people who always have something negative to say about the people around them. That's gotta do a number on your heart.
I was that way for a long time. The stupid thing is that you don't even realize when that's you.

In my experience, the process goes something like this...Sarcasm/snarkiness/criticism leads to cynicism, cynicism leads to self-righteousness, self-righteousness leads to bitterness, and bitterness hardens your heart and kills your joy.
That's the pattern I've seen in my own heart. I wonder if anyone else has opinions on that process and what it does to your heart, I'd sure love to hear it! I wonder if it always works like that or if that was just my case?

I need wisdom. I need specific wisdom. Why is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about their walk with the Lord? Not uncomfortable for me, but for them. Why? Is it something in their heart or is it the way I approach them?

Sometimes I feel too goody-goody and naive to hang with the secular crowd, but too wild and non-traditional to hang with the Christian crowd.

I'm pretty anxious for tomorrow. I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Is that dumb?

2009 was such...wait. I guess I'll save that till later. I have thoughts about this year.

The best movie I saw this summer was Away We Go. Not entirely appropriate I guess, but it was funniest movie I've seen all year, without a doubt. I think Sara said she liked the Big Fat Geek Tour Guide movie better. right? I think so. That one was alright. We both really enjoyed Angels & Demons. Really fun movie. 500 Days of Summer is this year's Garden State. I like the former more. It resonated with a high-school version of me, but in the end movies like that leave me feeling really depressed. They're such real movies, you can almost relate to them, except they're worlds without hope. I find it hard to watch and enjoy the reality of a life without Jesus. The whole thing feels so hopeless and desperate. Just vicious attempts to find eternity in temporal things. Just bums me out, man.

I've only seen 2 movies since August.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few days digging at my heart and searching for what my motivations are. Why are certain things important to me? What do I behave like I do? Why do I think in certain patterns? I'll spend forever thinking myself in circles. I think it's pretty cool because when it comes down to it, I can search my heart and honestly believe that my intentions are pure and that I really am trying to pursue God and reflect His glory, but all I can really be sure of is that the heart, above all things, is deceitful. (Jer. 17:9) So in the end, I may never know for absolute certain what my true motivations are, which is cool because that means I have to rely on Christ for that! I don't know me. I'll never know me on the deepest levels that I wish I knew. But HE does, so I absolutely HAVE to rely on Him.
And that doesn't mean I stop searching my heart to make sure it's pure, it just means that I'm weak, frail, foolish and often blind to how weak, frail and foolish I really am. I don't always have to understand every thing in my heart as long as I understand how desperately I need Him and how I have to lean on Him with all my weight, none of it on my own strength.

Why do i feel like that made no sense? haha! I've been in my head all day. It's odd...when I work from home, I actually end up spending most of the day in complete silence. I have tvs, movies, music all around me, but somehow none of that entices me.

Uh...so there are some random things running through my head this evening.

You are the weakest link, goodbye.

We can dance if we want to!

When I had my radio show at Moody, I would always play The Safety Dance. There was some Christian band that had covered the song. (Because secular music is bad, but Christians covering secular music is okay! duh.) I always liked that song. It's dumb and it always kinda makes me half-smile. Not whole smile, because like I said, it's dumb.

But I always thought I was so hilarious for playing it because the chorus is "We can dance if we to, we can leave this world behind...." and you can't dance at Moody, so I thought it was hilarious to play a song promoting something we can't do. Hey, it was in their music catalog!

I was always say something stupid like, "Here's a song about things we can't do at this school!" or "Here's a glimpse of the fun people are having outside of this bubble!" or "Did you enjoy that last song? Yeah, that's because you're a SINNER! It was about sinful, morally reprehensible activities and you shouldn't listen to filth like that!"

I thought I was hilarious.

I was completely lame. Someone should have slapped me.

Could this be the end?

Look, i made rhymes!


It's gently snowing.
I can feel the fear growing.
Panic fills the air
Why doesn't God care?
What can we do?
We won't make it through
this plague of despair
poisoning our air.
How can we drive?
We can't possibly survive!
Dallas is doomed
our bodies entombed.
In this coffin we await
such a tragic fate.
With terror we're seized.
Surely God is not pleased.
The snowing won't cease.
There's no hope of peace.
His wrath is not fun.
Oh wait...it's done.

Questions

It's barely 9am and I've already composed a beautiful, beautiful poem.
A person of interest is it's basis, I really hope you don't find it racist.


Questions

What is Hannah Goetz doing right now?
is she in the pasture milking the cow?
Perhaps sleeping soundly, still fast asleep?
no, she's a farmer, tending her sheep!

Does she like skiing, on top of a mountain?
Do you think she spits in drinking fountains?
Is she a mexican? Ergo de facto,
her lunch must consist of chewing tobacco!
Is her hair pink or is it yellow?
Is she moody or actually quite mellow?

Questions like these must be asked daily
until we get blown up by an angry Israeli.

"Ted, it's a POEM!"

First. Pray for me. I've had a heavy heart lately for several reasons.

Lately God has been doing these weird, funny things that I don't understand. Just super coincidental things. It seriously stirs my heart because I feel like He's communicating with me. He is so good. He is so GOOD. sometimes i just love saying that!

I'll spare you the other awesome stories, but this was an odd one today.

As I was praying after work today I found myself praying for wisdom. Maybe begging would be a more accurate word. I was begging Him for wisdom, and as I was praying for that, I thought about that verse that promises that He'll give us wisdom if we ask, and ask with faith. I had no idea where it is in the NT, but I'd just read it in the past few weeks. It made me smile because I love that reassurance, and the confidence that I find in that. I treasure that promise, especially today.

Then I opened my Bible and I happened to be starting the book of James today. I began reading and immediately, BAM-O! The fifth verse in: "But if anyone is deficient in wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without reprimand, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed around by the wind."

How ding dang awesome is THAT? oh mercy, that seriously made me laugh out loud! I honestly think God was reassuring me that He will provide the wisdom I need in this situation.

I thought that was pretty funny, but then, something else happened. SUPER weird.

I made it down to verse 14:
"But each one is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then when desire conceives, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is full grown, it gives birth to death."

This is one of those unexplainable bizarre things, but when I read the word "death" it instantly triggered something in my mind and made me start writing. and rhyming.
I immediately thought of where I was mentally & spiritually a few years ago and how dark it had gotten. I just started writing.

This is really insane to me because rhyming and whatnot never came easy to me. I wanted to be a lyricist when I was growing up but I suck at it. I can't make words flow out of my head very easily, but today this stuff was just being puked out of my head.
That being said, I'd like to stress that I'm claiming that it was unnaturally EASY, not that it bears any semblance of being GOOD.
We're talking 2nd grade bad rhyming. There's no consistency or talent. I would liken this to Barnabas Stinson's Sexless Innkeeper, except much worse. But I think he'd be proud though because, hey, it rhymes!

But I feel like somehow God was in it. Why? i have no idea! Another one of those ridiculously strange things He's been doing to me lately. This thing is terrible, but it feels exactly like where I was three years. It's spooky to me. I creeps meself out!
I basically wasted every opportunity He gave me for about three years. That's what it feels like now. I'd like to say that I'm just strong-willed, but really I'm just stubborn and bullheaded. Anyway, I've had/gotten to repent to a lot of people this year.
When He humbles me, He breaks my kneecaps. But I'm sure glad He does!
this is where i need to be.

Simply for the sake of being vulnerable and transparent (and preserving the title of my blog page), because i do NOT want to post this...ugh....


2006

The stench of death clouds my mind
I thought I could see but I've become so blind.
Darkness has overcome where there once was hope.
My vision is short, a narrow scope.
Crowning myself as king, I sealed my doom.
Endlessly writing, trapped in this room.

A small basement in my heart of stone
is where You found Your new home.
Your grace was screaming in the fading light
I tried to silence You with all my might.
My only Hope, I'd cast aside.
Was THIS the life for which You died?



See! super duper rhyme-y! super duper terrible! But i like it! I'm not proud of it, but I like it. I can feel it. You can't. But I can.

Now here's a picture of a panda with a gun to cheer you up


















Adorable.

one of those nights

It honestly was a great day. Why do I suddenly feels so sad and discouraged?

Maybe I care more than I thought I do. geeeeez. how can I not know myself after all this time? How can I not understand myself?

I feel like a stranger to my own heart. Hi, have we met? Because you are confusing and make no sense.

Sometimes it feels like there's no consistency within the heart. The things that don't matter, matter. And the things that matter, don't matter. It makes no sense.

can i punch myself in the face now please?




i need a slap in the face...how ironic!

I love days like this

when i time it just perfectly so that I'm stuck behind the school bus on my way home.

and I do NOT say that sarcastically!

I love watching all the little elementary kids run off the bus to their parents or to their apartments.

It's such a huge group of hugs that get off at the apartments, and I'm telling you, every single kid always has a huge smile and they're all running around and laughing.

I remember the joy of finally being done with the school day, but it's an even bigger thrill for me now to watch the look of joy on those kids' faces as they get off the bus and head home. It just makes me heart so flippin' happy to watch them kids.

And now I must head to my appointment at the Genius bar.
Pray that I remain patient and understanding in my frustration.

I just saw a commercial for Transformers

Ya know what was a reallllly fun day? well actually a really fun two days.

When we all drove down south for 4 hours while watching HIMYM the whole way. We stopped at the San Marcos outlet mall, bought stuff, got our hands washed with Dead Sea salt, then went to New Braunfels and floated down the river. We were late and had to walk our tubes back when we were done. After that we stopped at Wal-Mart and bought delicious un-health food. Then we drove through Panda Express and Sara spilled in my car. Haha! We got to the Ranch and we had the place to ourselves. We watched HIMYM and we all slept in sleeping bags in the living room.

Then next day we ate at the Sunrise for lunch, then stopped at the Dollar General and went over to the chamber of commerce to inquire about swimming at Choke Canyon. Instead, they pointed us to the public pool. We went back to the Ranch and played a couple rounds of wii Monopoly, then went to the pool. That was freakin' fun! We stopped for ice cream at Dairy Queen on the way back. We watched HIMYM for a while, then that evening we went to go see Transformers 2 at the Rialto down on the square. That was a really fun experience! Afterwards we had dinner at Dairy Queen, and then when we finally got back to the ranch, everyone else was there! yay.

Maybe it sounds lame. and maybe that's because you don't understand rural Texas and/or small towns. But those were seriously two of the most fun days of my life!

and we all lived happishly ever after. the end.

i didn't re-read or spell check this. forgive me.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who know a lot of theology and can have deep discussions of a theological nature.
Though I gotta say I'm less and less apt to fall for the lie that that's how we're all supposed to be.

I'm not saying it's not good to know a lot, because it is! I just think he's gifted different people with the skill to desire knowledge and to learn, retain and articulate well.

I'm impressed by those guys. But I realize that I don't have to BE them. My goal isn't

It's probably good that God didn't bless me with that gift because I KNOW that I'd have pride. Consciously or subconsciously, I would be proud of my knowledge. And that's dangerous because you can use knowledge as a weapon (or even as a defense) to beat people down and I certainly don't need that kinda temptation.

I probably need to understand theology better, and I have been working at that, but it doesn't come as easily for me. And I'm okay with that because God has blessed in other areas, and allowed me to know Him and experience Him in different ways. I think some people experience God intellectually and some people it's through circumstances or something else.
So i would say that we have a certain level of knowledge of God too, but it's not intellectual-type knowledge.

Like, I'll probably never be able to sit and have a conversation about dispensationalism, but I could excitedly talk for hours about what I've learned about God from my own walk with Him, the things He's taught me and revealed to me. I could talk about how I've experienced God, the things He's in me, through me, and around me. And I'm not sure how to explain it (cuz i'm 99% stupid) but my own walk with Christ feels like it's unique and different and so vibrant.

So maybe the way He speaks to my heart is through my life and things He allows me to feel, experience, and go through. I'm definitely a hard learner. And I don't think I'd be able to see God any other way than through experience.

And for the intellectuals, I think God speaks to their hearts through theology and knowledge.

I guess like we see God from a different angle. Not to say that the non-intellectuals and intellectuals can never see God from each other's angle, but I think we're inherently gifted to see God from a certain angle. It's the same God, same Truth, just different perspectives. And there obviously needs to be some cross-over. We both need to see from each other's angle. I just think we're gifted to naturally see and hear from Him in a certain way.

So I admire the theology buffs like Matt or a thousand other people I know, but I know that's not me.

Does that make ANY sense??

Ok all my dreams have come true!

My biggest dream was to walk up to Pastor Matt and just hug him.

And I did.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl!! I can't stop smiling! It feels like Christmas day inside my soul!

He humbles me. I want to be like him. I want to love Jesus like he does. I want to be a Godly husband and father, and he is a incredible example of what that looks like.
I don't many people that love Jesus like he does. And he doesn't just love Him, He really knows Him too. I want to pursue Jesus with such reckless abandon, not caring but knowing Him more. ahhhhh!!

So I talked to him a little bit and told him I've been praying for him. He said that these last two days have been insanely jam-packed, which I already knew from reading his twitter. (How bad is it that I creep on my own pastor? haha!!) I don't remember what else we talked about.

But the one thing I always wanted to ask, I totally forgot. It's completely menial, but I'm so curious if he knows Shawn Davis. oh wait, Creth are you reading this? do YOU have any idea? I know that Shawn used to run with the Shane & Caleb crowd and Matt ran around with Shane & Shane, and everyone on staff seems to know Caleb, so I just wondered if Matt and Shawn knew each other.

We talked to Bleeker too. He's so kind. so was Matt. Couldn't have been friendlier. Joel and Bleeker talked about Hillsong and Kari Jobe and leading worship and Joel's synagogue, etc. Joel told him that we should sing Savior King in church and Michael was like YEAH! that's a GREAT song!!

I can't really express how excited I am. To meet such a man of God is just kinda thrilling!
I guess it'd be akin to meeting Marky Mark. except WAY better!! and I'm pretty sure Matt doesn't have Marky Mark abs. But then again, who does?

I guess my next life goal will have to be to hug Mark Driscoll. and after that maybe Francis Chan. Then perhaps John Piper. or maybe I should move John Piper to the front of the line since he's getting old. naaaah, I think I'll keep them ranked in order of their impact on my life.

and yeah, I know they're just men. But these are heroes of the faith. These are the men that explain Scripture to me. These are the men that God has used to open my heart and completely change me. These are the messengers of His Grace.

And in regards to Matt, I know he's not The Village. I love Matt and I love my church. They're two separate things. I love our family, our community. I love our people. I get teary-eyed when I think about our community of Believers so desperate and passionate to know Jesus and to live lives that bring Him glory. I couldn't imagine a better place to wait with blessed hope for the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Lord willingly, this is my home for the next 50 or so years. I'm home. I love my home.


(view from the last row)

In the interest of full disclosure...

I had a dream about Miley last night.

It's not like i PLANNED it!! sheesh!

I dreamed I was something like an older brother to her, offering her advice and whatnot.
She found her boyfriend making out with some other girl in her closet and was heartbroken, and I was like, "yo, he wasn't a good guy anyway. He didn't have respect for you. I mean, come on, he was making out in YOUR closet! The guy was a skeez."
But dang was she sad! She went outside and cried. I walked outside, patted her on the back and said, "If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll assume you want to be alone for now. But I'll be inside if you want to talk, but I have to leave for work in an hour."

Also, I was good friends with her little brothers, who sure did look an awful lot like Brandon and Nathan Trippe. It was really kinda fun. they had a nice house. But i was reallllllly bummed because i didn't get to meet Billy Ray. bummer. sadness.

go ahead and be jealous.

Things in my head at this exact minute

I like visiting the hospital under certain circumstances. I like sitting in the room visiting someone. It's so clean and bright. Relaxing, even. It's kinda a magical place because it takes everything in your life and sheds the light of perspective on them. Nothing outside of those 4 walls really seems to matter all that much when you're in there. And you've got family and friends filtering in and out all the time.
It's just kinda nice...under the right circumstances. As in, nothing terribly serious.

Ironically, the new television show The Middle reminds me a lot of Malcom in the Middle. They both have the word "Middle" in the title, which is what makes it ironic.

Reviews of recent music:

Jet - Shaka Rock
Guitary and awesome. Better than Get Born because it's consistently rockilicious. The whole thing is great. It's like getting kicked in the teeth with a steel-toed boot. It makes me wanna go out and just, like, grow a really thick beard. ..or something.

Weezer - Raditude
It's better than the Red album. Maybe not as good as the Blue album. But their best stuff in years for sure...in my humble opinion. But if you disagree, it's okay if you wanna go ahead mock me. I don't mind!
It just makes me feel good. It's really melodic and catchy. It's like pouring smooth, velvety tomato soup in your ears. Makes you feel good inside. It kinda reminds me of Sugar Ray's latest album, Music for Cougars. Not that they sound alike, rather just because they're both fun and happy. I like happy music. There's enough Dashboard and Sufjan for the rest of the world to get depressed to. Give me the music that makes ya smile! Sometimes "shallow" music just hits the spot!

Switchfoot - Hello, Hurricane
I bet it's pretty good. I bought it and have kinda almost half-listened to it. I think it was probably good. It's Switchfoot! you know what you're getting. Good lyrics, a few catchy songs, and a few songs that'll take some getting used to before you decide they're genius.
It's kinda weird now, having heard what Jon can do on his own, to go back and hear him as part of Switchfoot again. It's so different. I listen to Foreman incessantly, day after day, so it's odd to hear him with the band again.

Relient K - Forget and Not Slow Down
So you remember how MmHmm was all super happy and optimistic? Exact opposite here.
Apparently that girl he was dating that inspired songs like "High of 75" and "My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend" ripped his freaking heart out because lyrically, this thing is a downer. Musically, I love the poo outta it!
And maybe i need to listen harder but I wasn't able to pull much from it spiritually, which is a disappointment.

In other reviews...
Miley- still making incredible, mind-blowing mind.
The new Kevin Hammond single is incredible. As is the latest Michael Buble.
Can't say I really care for Phil Wickham's single, Cielo. It's not BAD. It's just not...i don't know. It wasn't what I hoped it would be. It's not as insightful or musically exciting, in MY opinion. BUT, it is pretty catchy!
The new Robbie Seay single, Miracle? eh.
Maybe I'm a harsher critic of Christian music, or maybe I just expect more. I'm so fickle, cuz I'm sure if we sing this in church a couple times, I'll think it's the greatest song ever.
Speaking of, I wish we could freakin' download Bleaker's songs. I know you can listen to them on the website, but my gosh, that one song is my favorite song ever and i need to be able to listen to it when i can openly cry. ya know, like a baby.

I'm procrastinating. that's why I'm blogging. Avoiding homework. blah.
I've lost 3% body fat in the last month or so. Kinda proud of that. Been doing a lot of cardio at work and eating healthy. ish.

Mark Driscoll is going to be on loveline with Dr. Drew next year. I hope he's able to post that to the Mars Hill site, cuz that is sure to be killer radio. I can't even imagine! I love that man.

ok good. There ya go. Nothing insightful or real, just fluff stuff. please do enjoy.

Maturity

In relation to my deleted blog yesterday,

I think it's just a maturity thing.

If your goal is to glorify Christ, you have to be aware of other people.
If a consequential goal is to serve people, you gotta be self-aware.
You have to be self-aware in order to die to yourself. It's the only way.

A lot of that is simply a result of the sanctification and maturation process.


...is this post better? haha!

Tonight was awesome. super duper.

During his sermon, Matt mentioned a recent survey of Christian men that asked what things that women wear that are distracting to them.
spaghetti straps.
and wearing the freaking purse across your chest so that the purse straps make your hoo-has pop out.

i love that they included that second one. i thought i was the only one who found that suggestion.
i know i'm a bit touchy when it comes to modesty, so it's good to know i'm not THAT out-of-touch.

Matt is gonna post the complete survey results on the blog in a couple weeks. you can bet your bippy that i'll gonna post a link to that!

In conclusion, thank GOD that it's winter. The only thing to guard your eyes from is tight sweaters. that ain't bad compared to summer. Yet another reason that i loooove winter clothes!
thems da bomb!

Ignorant

It's amazing the incredible amount of ignorance that we unwittingly live in.<--preposition.

I've been reading through this old journal that I recently found (which I'll probably post some of those old entries on here at some point), and it blows my mind how just plain dumb I was. And I was so unaware! I thought I was right.
I can read journals from 10 years ago and be shocked at the amount of self-centered idiocy, but I can also read things I wrote 6 months ago and think the same thing. Scary.
Not to say I'm the same person as I was back then, but the things I incorrectly believed have shifted into something else. You kill one fallacy and it simply morphs into something new.
It's weird the different forms that pride can take. Looking back it seems so obvious, yet if I look back six months ago, I still walked in a certain amount of pride, only it was in a different form that it was back then so once again I didn't realize it.

The things I thought were just so ignorant. Not just in relation to pride, but pretty much everything. Haha! It's truly incredible. Hard to believe that I was once so dumb.

The scary thing is that I'm walking in some type of ignorance right now too. But I'm obviously blind to it, so who knows what it is that I'll look back on in a year and laugh at how immature and dumb I was? I try to live with my eyes open, and I feel like I live a well-examined life, yet there will always be things that be believe incorrectly. We're always seeing something incorrectly.

The good thing about old journals is that you actually can see how much you have grown. For instance, I think I've finally grown enough to accept rebuke, and perhaps even grown to love being rebuked. As weird as that sounds. I don't want to live in ignorance and immaturity, so rebuke is welcome. Which, I guess that's just a result of my depleted pride. That's something that the Lord has slowly transformed. it's beautiful.

I'm not sure what the actually purpose of this post is.<--preposition
I suppose I just wanted to praise the Lord for all that He's done in me and ask that I be able to live with my eyes wide open so that I'm blissfully walking in ignorance.

I seriously need to type of some of those old entries. Its entirely laughable.
I can't believe who I used to be...ten years ago, or even last year! Shocking.

i probably need to start working on apologies.

.

Glee.

Glee makes me feel stupid.
I know I'm supposed to like it, but I don't. what's wrong with me? Am I broken? I seem to be the only human on planet Earth that really doesn't like this show at all.
I'm not being facetious when i ask: what am i missing? What am I obviously not understanding?
Look, I love the music, it's awesome! Though, out of the 4 episodes i've watched, i haven't seen one performance that looks believable and not horribly lip-synced. Is it the shtick factor that people enjoy so much? Is is supposed to be funny bad?
I tried. I tried SO hard to like it. But i can't seem to make that happen. In all honesty, I really can't stand that show. that makes me feel stupid.
Jane Lynch bothers me. I don't know why, but she sends chills of creepiness down my spine. I wish i could explain why. She just makes me feel dirty. and her character is so completely over-the-top. i guess they all kind are, aren't they? is that why people like it so much?
Ugh. If you love the show, I consider you more intelligent than me.

I even toured the Glee set last summer when I was in LA. It was fun, but when i went home and watched the pilot again, i still didn't like it.
It's actually pretty raunchy, isn't it? That's something that leaves me feeling unsettled and gross too. Maybe I've transformed into a prude. eh.

So for the last two months, every time i log into Facebook, it suggests that i be friends with this guy:
Of course I remember him from church and school, but i don't want to be "friends" with him. He was never very nice to me, and i doubt he'd remember me anyway. Besides, he's my age and he's still wearing his letterman jacket in his profile picture...creepy, weird and lame.
Reaffirming my unbridled stupidity, I found out today that he stars on Glee. yeah, I've watched 4 episodes and I never recognized him, even though I'd been staring at his picture every time I log into fb for the last three months!
I still don't care to "friend" him and I still find the show to be life-draining (though call me if Marky-Mark is ever on!). But i find it incredibly ironic that the show I hate the most is the one show on tv with someone i once knew, the one set we happened to walk through this summer, and it's the one show that friggin' everyone is talking about. *sigh*
I couldn't find my old yearbooks and I'm not about to waste more than 5 minutes looking for them, but I easily found this old church photo. Please to enjoy all you crazy Glee fans.



.

So i fell in love with this today....

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.



Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.



Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

[Sir Francis Drake]

Raditude

i LOVE the new Weezer album!!






















Does it really matter that i haven't even heard a second of it?
I'd buy the LP just to hang this on my wall.
The album cover brings a freakish amount of joy to my life!

In other news...the new Relient K single is out. Gonna buy it on my phone riiiiiiight NOW!

Funniest thing I've ever seen. This is for real, and I'm gonna find it on ebay.


Is it a part of the 5 points for Calvinist's to have a sense of Humor?

i'm so tired of me. somebody help!!

I’m tired of thinking. I’ve been incessantly camped out in my head all week. Every minute of every day. Argh! That’s sometimes good…lots of revelation. It’s sometimes bad…too much me.

It’s maddening.

I literally spend all day thinking and praying about how I can pursue Christ - what I need to change, what I need to let go and sacrifice, what I’m holding onto, what I need more of, what I can be doing, how I can be serving, how does my passion for Him work itself out practically, what holds me back, what encourages me, how I can give it all away, how I can die, how much of me is an egomaniac and how much is sincere, how I can be using my time more faithfully, where I’m being not consistent between my heart & words and my life…a thousand issues.
And all of that is good, I guess. But at the end of the day I want to puke because I’ve been thinking about praying about me all day! Even when I’ve been praying for more of Him, asking to know Him deeper, to see Him clearly, etc. it’s still about me. Even if it’s about how I can reflect His love to a dying world better, it’s still me. It makes my head want to explode. These are good things! Good things! But I’m wearing myself out!

I want to quit praying about knowing Him better, and just know Him better!! I want to quit thinking about the changes I need to make, and just be Godly! I want to see my motivations and intentions clearly and honestly! I want to truly understand my self-centeredness. Why does everything have to be such a process? Ha!
Lately, my heart has been all over the map. Everywhere!! And I come up with question upon question, but no real ANSWERS! It seems so easy to help other people with their problems. How am I so quick to have advice and wisdom for others…but I’ve got nothing for myself? Maybe that’s a beauty of the human condition...our inability to save ourselves and our need for a Savior & Father. We’re ultimately pathetically, embarrassingly weak, and there is real beauty in that!

Haha…I’m so frustrated, but I know this is just God working me through something. I know this is part of the sanctification process. I’m sure I’m learning something. But honestly, I just feel spiritually constipated. All these thoughts and questions, yet none of them will fully blossom.

Though, I must admit, I kinda love seeing so weak and small and actually almost being okay with that. I need that. I think maybe cuz I struggle with grace. I can’t fully comprehend it and let it consume my heart like it should. Weird.

…and of course instead of writing a blog about Christ, I’ve written one about me. Go figure. Sheesh!

It's one of those days where I just don't feel comfortable here. on Earth.

I feel foreign and everything around me seems insufficient, unprofitable and irrelevant.

You're missing the point. Everyone is missing the point.

What am I doing?

Hillsong

Hello. my name is Jordan and I'd like to talk about the Hillsong concert.

I loved it. I really, really, really loved it. I was crying from minute one.
I used to go years without crying. But these days it's like sand through a sieve.
Little things tear me up and I sometimes I'm fighting away giant sobs. Oh mercy.
But I'd dare you not to cry at this event. I sat the front and could look out at the entire arena. Have you ever been in packed together with that many brothers and sisters all singing praises to our Father?? it's freaking-dang awe-inspiring! Seriously, all i could think about was the new earth. this is what eternity will be like. this is it! It might not always just be singing, but i think it will be at times. and even when we aren't singing, everyone will still be praising and worshiping our Savior no matter what we're doing. I don't know....in my mind eternity doesn't sound scary or boring. It makes me cry because I can't wait for that day! I can't wait till all the sin and sickness and disease is removed and the new earth is revealed and we can see live as God intended. Just constant worship throughout. just...makes me cry. i don't know what else to say! Jesus is currently the appointed King, but I can't wait for the day when He's the reigning King. I long for that day!
So I basically cried for the first hour and a half. But I wouldn't let the actual tears come out of my eyes because they would have soaked the little kid in front of me. no joke. he would have drowned.
okay, I also didn't want to be the dork that started crying from the first note.
But by not wanting to look ridiculous for absolutely flat-out bawling, I surely looked even more retarded trying to hold it all in. I probably looked like I was possessed. It's stupid, our souls even can't contain that amount of joy, how could i possibly expect my face muscles to hold it in? just stupid.
It was almost frustrating because i couldn't sing. I actually ended up knowing most of the songs, which surprised me. But I couldn't sing half of them because I'd sing half a line of worship, and my voice would crack and give out as I choked back more sobs. It was an incredible experience. Seeing all of the family together like that. Sing praises of HIS holiness, His perfect holiness. Just incredible.

Then. In the middle of the concert the little Aussie preacher fellow come out to give us the good word. That's when my buzz was kicked in the groin.
His exegesis was non-existent. He used a beautiful passage about Jesus, and pretty much overlooked the Jesus part and decided that we should all pattern our lives after the minor character. It was about a blind guy that Jesus healed. The blind guy heard Jesus coming, so he begged for mercy. So the lesson we learned is that, like the blind guy, we should use what we've been given. If we don't have sight, use our hearing. Nothing about Jesus. Because obviously this was the real point of that passage. use what you've been given. What about what this passage reveals about the character of Jesus?
seriously? I suppose the guy's lesson is true...but I'm thinking that has nothing to do with the purpose of that passage. It was crazy.
It was theologically an inch deep. Which surprised me!
He pretty much yelled us about Jesus and tried to get us all pumped up for the Lord! "Who here loves Jesus?" (crowd roars) "Let's give applause to Jesus"(crowd roars) "Who's ready to praise Jesus??" (crowd roars). I seriously felt like I was at a Joel Osteen show. (yes, SHOW. Joel puts on shows.)
It felt like a mix between an Osteen show and a high school pep rally, except instead of "Let's Go, Tigers! Beat up the Pirates!" it was "Let's go, Jesus! Beat up the devil! You can do it!"
Maybe that's not a bad thing...it just didn't sit right with me. I can't really explain it. It reminded me of church camps in the 90's that were nothing more than emotion-charged pep rallies for a week. I'm not saying the whole night was like that...just the "preaching" part.
I'm also not doubting his intentions or that He loves the Lord. I absolutely believe that guy does!
But the part that REALLY, REALLY bothered me is that he "saved" a ton of people without even giving the Gospel! There was no mention of the cross or repentance or sin...not even the bare bones of salvation. No explanation of our great need for a Savior or our depravity or what Jesus did for us. His incredible sacrifice. He gave up His position in Heaven to come to EARTH for OUR sake. That alone is an unfathomable sacrifice! How can you keep from speaking about Him? What I heard him say was "If you want to have everlasting peace and joy, invite Jesus in your heart! All you have to do is ask Him into your life!"
I'm hoping I somehow heard him wrong and that Kacie could tell me what she heard, but I haven't heard back from her.
But I KNOW this part happened: we all closed our eyes and then the people that asked Jesus into their heart raised their hands. (why? i've never been clear on why) and then, THEN he had the entire arena repeat a prayer of salvation. i guess just to make sure he got everybody.
"If you want to invite Jesus into your heart, repeat these words after me..."
That just absolutely made my soul squirm.
Salvation isn't about repeating words. There's no magical incantation. That more closely resemble witchcraft than Christianity.
When simply have repeat some words, you have tons of people walking around thinking they're saved because they said this prayer, and then they can't figure out why they aren't any different at all, why there isn't any peace or joy or anything different than before, when everyone says that when Christ comes into your life, it changes you. Then they think Christianity simply doesn't work. OR, even worse, maybe they keep thinking they're saved and never pay heed to the actual Gospel! I don't know, but the affect is generally going to be BAD.
I haven't heard anyone do this in....i don't know....over a decade? It's been a long time since I've heard the Gospel reduced to a simple repeating of words.
UGH. that KILLS me.
I want people you KNOW Christ! I don't want people to THINK they're Christians, and yet never experience the joy that comes with knowing and serving Him!
That just killed me. Killllled me.

my other question is...why was it okay to take pictures the whole time except when Brooke did her thing? Isn't the entire night a time of coming before God and worshiping and praising Him and not just that one portion? i think i probably missed that explanation.

I have a hard time just being in the moment. I'm thinking about how it affects me or how i can describe it to others or how Joel could be receiving everything and what I'll say in the car on the way home to try and spark a spiritual conversation and nudge him towards Christ in His own life. There are good distractions too i guess, like when you get so caught up thinking about thinking about God that you forget to sing. It's hard for me to just be HERE, in the moment and not think about what my fb status will say or how I'll explain what i felt. blah.

Anyway, it was an AMAZING night of sweet worship and I wish I could re-live it over and over and over!

I often find myself asking God to give me patience or give me love or give me grace. I'm not about to say that's wrong to ask for, but I think that more often than not, God doesn't just POOF! give you the ability to be patience. It's not a superpower that some day He's just going to magically give you. These are things that are more likely learned. So when we ask Him to give us these qualities that we need and that we lack, we should really open our eyes to where He could be teach us those things throughout the day.
Maybe the answer to your prayer isn't that I just suddenly have patience or love or grace. Maybe the answer is that He's allowed me to be placed in a frustrating situation today. That punk user that calls me about something so ridiculous could be the answer to my prayer because it gives me an opportunity to learn the patience I've asked for. So I need to keep my eyes open for my prayers being answered in a less-conventional way that I'd think, and in a harder way than I'd prefer.
It also teaches me to thank God in all situations because the annoyances are most likely things that He's using to refine us. Some times a whiny customer isn't just a whiny customer. Some times it's a gift. a blessing.

As always, i know these are pretty elementary thoughts, but apparently I seem to lose sight of the simple things. I always seem to find myself asking for Him to give me these qualities without stopping to think what I'm really asking for or how He could be answering my prayers. Do we really look for His answers when we pray? or do we just expect stuff to happen? i don't know. that's what i'm thinking about this morning.

How good is God to show us how weak we are even in the areas where we think we're strong!

This, That and the guy over there

My favorite part of the day has got to be watching the morning sun rise. It's perfect. Starting the day off with such overwhelming beauty makes day's troubles pale in comparison. It's breathtaking, peaceful. Everything is still and perfect. The sky is like a placid sea, seamless and tranquil before it all melts into that prosaic blue and overwhelms the entire landscape. It's hard not to admire the colors and think of it was a clean slate, a fresh start. I love that. I love the morning and the hope it brings.
I love taking the time and simply telling God about what's going on in my life and what's occupying my heart. I realize that He already knows, but it brings Him closer to talk to Him like a friend. And though it can be embarrassing because often times my focus is way off of what it should be, telling Him everything changes everything. It changes my heart and helps me re-gain my focus. I get so swept away in the fact that He wants me to talk to Him, that He wants me to share my heart with Him no matter how out-of-whack it might be. He wants to hear my cares, my desires and my burdens, no matter how ridiculous and short-sighted they might be. And often, after talking to Him, I'll actually have a much clearer perspective. That's one of my favorite things and I'm kinda overcome with gratitude for Him this morning. I'm not sure why this morning is any different from any other though.

I've had a couple brief eternally-significant conversations this week. That's always encouraging. But it leaves me voracious for more. I have a hard time constraining myself and not saying more than I need to.

I bought my co-workers donuts this morning. Though, they're less like co-workers and more like brothers at this point. I love them. I really love them.

And I'm excited about hitting the gym tonight and tomorrow. Should be awesome. woooo!!

You ever feel like you take 1 step forward and 2 steps back?



ugh.


.

Friends of God

Today i ate like a raccoon. I was a naughty eater.

here's the unhealthiest of what i ate today:
Giant chocolate chip muffin that left grease stains on the napkins it was sitting on (while it was still in the wrapper!)
Corny Dog
Cherry Limeade Shake
Mozzarella Sticks
Frito chili cheese wrap
Bundt cake

Yeah. i didn't go to the gym. So at 8pm i decide i needed to go to the gym. and that ended up being the most fun thing I did all week!
It was a slice of Heaven for me. You have the fact that I simply love being at the gym (which i'll probably write a whole blog about at some point)It's a sanctuary for me.
But not only that, I did the most wonderful cardio, which admittedly is my weak area. I call it the wussy bikes. They're lousy cardio...unless you're gonna spend a long time doing it. and i did. Seriously, it was bliss! I sat there and biked while I listened to the Ranger game on my phone while I also watched it on the tv in front of me. And at the same time, I read Vintage Jesus. I did that for 80 minutes. i supposedly burned 460 calories and biked 16.5 miles. But i was nowhere near exhausted, so I'm not sure how much I believe those numbers.
But it was a perfect evening for me. and there were only 4 people in the gym! I kinda miss all the hustle and bustle, yet...it's kinda nice.

And I love Vintage Jesus. It's PERFECT to read at the gym because it's mostly head knowledge, which i need and enjoy. But it's head knowledge that you can walk away from, think about and let settle into your heart.
I'm also reading How People Change at home. I'm also LOVING that book! But it's more heart knowledge-y book. I have to read it slowly because I don't want to miss the beautiful truths and revelations. I have to absorb it more slowly. So it's not a book I can read just anywhere.

I have several book I'm hoping to read this summer. It's wonderful to read. hahahaha!! I need more reading buddies. although...that makes it really tempting to talk about the awesome things you're learning.

I watched an interesting Documentary last night. I always watch the docs about Christians and Christianity, even that Bill Maher one. But this one was different than the several others that I've seen this year.
It was done by Alexandra Pelosi (who I'd have to assume is somehow related to Nancy. I should probably google that. ok. just did. yeah, she's her daughter). And even though Alexandra is an atheist herself, she didn't really say anything demeaning towards us. In fact, there was very little narration, and she really didn't even let her own viewpoint be known.
(Though, you could kinda tell what she thinks through the way it was edited.)
But the thing that really caught me is that she didn't HAVE to say anything to bash Christianity.
She let us hang ourselves. She asked questions and let people answer.

We seriously sound like morons.

Shoot, most of us probably are. The terminology we use is so exclusive, dated and just lame. and we don't know what we believe or why. we all just believe what we're told.

I guess the main thing that was evident is the way we tend to make every issue and "us vs. them" thing. We separate ourselves. We're kinda pious. Even though most of us are really quite nice people, we wanna fight everything and change everyone's view.
We want to change everyone's actions. As if that really matters! is that what we're taught in church?? Have you ever READ a Bible? Christ wants our hearts! Quit yelling at the gays, quit boycotting movies and picketing abortion clinics. Quit slapping stickers on our cars telling people to get saved. We look silly. we look stupid! and I can't see the love...I can't envision Jesus doing those things.
I'm looking at all the silly bumper stickers and billboards we toss up trying to get people to turn or burn and it makes me cringe. More than anything it gives off the message of "YOURE a sinner, come to our side, be like us, live like us" You suck, we rule.
Kinda makes me want to vomit.

And I'm one to talk because I used to be SO hardcore political. Oh man, i cared about that stuff WAY too much and it'd get me really fired up. But I finally got to the point where I just had to stop. I quit it all. I stopped listening to political talk, stopped reading it, stopped watching it. Because it's all just fighting. We're all fighting for our way of life and our opinions and trying to convince the other side of our beliefs. And that's probably good to stand firm for what you believe. yeah, it is. If you keep a sane, rational head. It's good to fight for your beliefs. But as Christians, I think our time might be better spent not always fighting and drawing lines in the sand and separating ourselves and making it an us-vs-you issue.

Not that it's ALL our fault, because, in America, if you have an opinion contrary to someone else's you're a bigot, sexist, racist, etc.
So yeah, we DO need to stand firm in what we believe. But why does that mean we can't love the other side? Why do we have to push them away? Why do we have to draw battle lines? hahaha...i think i probably sound like i've been reading Shane Claiborne, but i swear i haven't! (I think he has good intentions, but kinda tends to stray from the Word.)

This is just stuff I notice every time I seen our Family on tv or in documentaries. Where are the all the pastors that preach truth and get the HEART of matters? man. I feel so blessed to be at the church i'm at. It's changed the way I see the world. It's changed how my heart thinks.

And i'm excited about church this weekend because i haven't been able to go in quite a while AND i'm pretty danged sure Matt is actually gonna be there too! So i'm seriously looking forward to that.


I'm sorry....i know none of this made no sense, and i had no intentions of even writing about any of this, but it just kinda came out of me. sorry. and i double apologize because it was sloppy, poorly-worded and ill-conceived. yeah, so i hope you didn't read this. if you did....man, sucks for you.

Scattershooting

First and foremost, I would like to take this chance to NOT complain about the weather. it's quite nice.

Secondly, Kelly Clarkson just gets better and better, right? I mean the new album is incredible, her best yet! Several of the songs will straight of melt your ear holes! so awesome. AND not only that, but she's been taking a lot of crap from the media lately. I guess she looked big on AI and people thought she was preggers. but no, my woman was like "i'm not pregnant, i'm a big woman now. you can deal with it because i like me and i think i look fine. i look normal. so if you think i'm fat, i reeeeeeally don't care. kiss my butt" that's a paraphrase, but the same general idea. She's awesome and she looks GOOD! so good job, Kelly! you tell 'em! what a good little texas girl.

The power went out in the gym last night. I was kinda bummed because I'd only been there an hour and hadn't even finished half my workout. But it was storming pretty bad. They tried to tell everyone they either had to leave or hide in the locker room. everyone kinda ignored that. A lot people left. But they were talking about how tornadoes were ripping through Highland Village and Bedford, and when i went to the window, it looked like armageddon. so a lot of us just hung out in the lobby and watched the weather. it was kinda cool actually.

On saturday, I was working on biceps and this big guy came up to me and said "You're getting some serious baseballs in there!" and pointed to my biceps. It was ironic because i actually was listening to the Ranger game on my phone. so i said thank you!! and he walked away. this is the same guy that came up to me several months ago when i was on the same machine and said "You're really getting big!"
I thought he was just super nice. now i think he's gay. he usually comes to the gym with this other big dude and they ride together in the same car. ok, maybe he's perfectly straight. i don't know. i don't care. i'm flattered either way. i think.

going to the Inwood tonight to see a flick with a bunch of people from the old days. like Eli. whoa. so awesome.

2 weeks till the ranch and it looks like everyone can go...this is gonna be AWESOME!! i need to order a waterbed mattress and some tiger & lion meat. i'm pretty broke, but i've gotta find a way to make that happen. probably should buy some more paintballs too. OH! and i wanna get some wounded animal pee. something that attracts the coyotes or cougars. ok. i need to make myself work now! yayy!!!!!

great sermon on sunday. how can you just blow that off and walk out and go back to just being who you were? i don't get it. argh!! people.

Tanzania

This is a song that I absolutely love. I bought it on itunes a few months ago.
I love because she has such an incredibly crisp, perfect voice (at least on the mp3), it's a catchy simple tune...it's basically the perfect type of music. there, i said it.

But what really makes me love this song so much more is that my dad is from Tanzania and my mom's family is from Chattanooga. Kinda random to just-so-happen to have a song about those two places. i love it.

I'd also like to say that kids that went to boarding school in Africa turn out to be kinda weird adults. Dad's been getting in contact with a lot of people from Kenya (that's where his school was) lately and they're just...odd. especially for MKs. but heck, my dad is odd! so maybe that's not a bad thing.

I love alli rogers. if kelly clarkson gets assassinated, Alli is next in line to be my bride. though i really have no idea what she looks like. eh, who cares!

i hate titles. it forces you to think. i refuse.

i need to write but the words won't fall out of my head. i don't even know what the words are. my head is full, my heart is full, and i can't do anything about it. there's no release.

i'm just tired of this world.

ya know? one of those days where all the darkness of the world weighs on you.

This is not the world the way it was intended to be. Every one misses out on life the way it was intended to be, even Christians. some times i feel alone in how i see the world. and it's just completely overwhelming and.....geeeeeez. i can't put everything into words.

and i hate not having a plan and not knowing the future and not knowing what path is the right path and what decision is right and what...yada yada yada. nevermind. i'm burned out.

Fraiser is on. that makes me happy. this tv is ridiculously huge.

i need even less tv in my life. but a little Fraiser never hurt anyone.

It's midnight in LA.

I supposed I should be sleeping. But really sleep isn't that great.

um. I'm ready to go home and write.

talking to Sara online.

I really really really can't wait to get home and work out. I want to kill my abs like they's never been killed before. I want to spend so much more time in the gym! I can't wait it kick my body's butt!

I cried watching the polar bear swim around. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. no lie. I was overwhelmed by God's kindness to us. We don't deserve that. why should disgusting thing like people get to share in the glory of God like that? awe inspiring. seriously.
The creativity that goes into all the different species, the intricate details, it's like art. Watching the baby leopard play is like standing in front of a really beautiful piece of art. and the stupid animals make me cry, because through them I feel God's love.

i'm crier now. cryer? have been for the last year or so. not sure what changed me, except God. i cry at everything now and it's wonderful! I love that depth of emotion, that depth of feeling. I love being to overwhelmed by His goodness that that's the only way I can express myself. I used to go years between tears. Haha....now I'm lucky if it's days! I'm not talking like bawling (although there's this one song that always reduces me to that), it's more like my eyes well up and one or two little tears spill over.

I'm a nosy person. I wish I was nosy because I care about people so much and want to know how to pray for them. But really I'm just nosy because I'm nosy.

I like sarcasm. Too much, I think. It's too much of a defense mechinism. It can make you sound arrogant. and it's too easy. It doesn't make you think of a good retort. But mostly I don't like it because most of the time I don't feel the love of Christ in it. I think there's probably a way to be loving and sarcastic, but I'm not talented with that combination. So I need less sarcasm and more love. Less negative, more positive. ya dig?

I want a motorcycle. i just do.

I feel the weight of "owning" things. we don't own things. none of this is ours and none of this is permanent. I feel convicted. I don't want stuff.

I just used dictionary.com to figure out how to spell "Permanent". It's sad that I couldn't spell that. geez. I love English and I value words. It's important to me to spell things correctly, though I'm sure my grammar is atrocious.

Nothing makes me as frustrated as when people aren't just honest with me. I'm not retarded, I can tell you aren't been completely truthful and it just makes it worse to try and pass it off as the truth.
I don't know which is more frustrating, when someone tells you something that you know is mostly likely not true at all, or when there are things simply left unsaid for sake of not hurting someone's feelings. Like, it's fine if you want to treat me bad or ignore me or whatever, but just be honest and tell me what's up! Some times people need to have their feelings hurt. Some times people won't have their feelings hurt by what you think will hurt them. We spend so much time trying to protect others based on what WE think is best for them. All I know is that I wish everyone was honest and would TELL you when they have a problem with you. The worst thing is to be left wondering what you did wrong. How do you ever grow is people dont bring their complaints directly to you? Be honest, hurt some feelings! It's ok!

It's weird when you have someone in the middle of your mind. We really should have a term for that. It's like you aren't consciously thinking about them, and they aren't in the back of your mind. They aren't just that tiny lingering afterthought. They're a little closer to the front. Like, if you stopped whatever you were doing and just paused, they'd move to the front of your mind and you'd find yourself consciously thinking about them. I'm sure you know what I mean, so why is there no term for having someone in the middle of your mind?

It sucks to hurt when you don't really know why. Especially when you're a dude.

If I didn't need to have a job ever again or I knew what my job would be forever and ever, I would strongly consider getting full sleeves. or at least one. hmm.

I have very, very strong protector instincts. I want to protect the people I love in every possible way. I'm sure that would get annoying if I acted on my every urge to protect. I'm going to be a freakin' mess if I ever have girls. oh man. shoot me.

I've historically been a very jealous person. You ALL know that. But I've seen God make INCREDIBLE changes in that area! I'm very grateful.

My daily goals lately have been that I want to live a thankful life and a humble life. I want to accept the wreck that I am, so that I may see the brillience and beauty of His grace and love, and fall completely on that and in turn, live a life of gratitude for all I've been given. Because I deserve NOTHING. I feel like i can never grasp that deeply enough.

Best thing about the west coast: the weather or In-n-out?

It's 1am in LA.

does good mean BIG? or what?

I feel like a dramatic teenager whenever I say i'm not doing well or had a miserable day....but honestly, I had a miserable day. miserable. i'm blowing off my test for class and going to bed because i'm sick of this day.

The bright spot:
I brought my shirt up to the counter at Pac Sun. The lady walked over, didn't say a word to me, scanned my shirt, punched some buttons on the register and told me my total. That's all she said me the whole time, just the total. I gave her cash, she gave me change. I thanked her.
Then she said, "By the way, that shirt makes your biceps looks good" I had no idea what she was talking about and said, "what? this shirt that i'm wearing??" she said, "Yeah, it looks really good with the stripe there, makes your biceps look good!" I was awkward and said something like "Oh wow! thank you! i really appreciate that!" blah. i don't handle compliments well. but honestly, that made my day.

Note to the elderly and vain:

At the gym, I'd rather smell sweat than cologne and perfume. I appreciate that you think I care what you smell like, but I only care in so much that it doesn't make me nauseous and fall off the treadmill. It's ok to smell like the rest of us. It's the smell of hard work.

Thank you for this attention to this matter.

The fat lady has sung

I've moved past most of the bitterness and anger. That's resolved.

But I still everything I do and say is wrong. I feel like I'm judged for every move I make, every word I say, every picture I take, every feeling I do or don't have, and on and on and on.

And that's absolutely true to some extent. There are people judging no matter what I do. Even the good I do is twisted into something evil.

I feel like I used to be a fun person. But now I'm aware of every move I make and have to consider how everything I do will be perceived and how it will be used against me. I feel like I can't be myself. I'm so guarded. it's completely ridiculous.

I had that mindset ingrained into me over the last several years, and to some extent I'm free from that. But there are still so many voices calling me a liar, doubting every thing I do, condemning me for doing what I think is the right and loving thing to do. (I swear I'm not even being dramatic here!)

And quite honestly, I don't CARE what people think, what they say doesn't "hurt my feelings", and I don't live my life to shape people's opinions of me. But I'm still weighed down by the constant message that nothing I do is good, everything about me is bad. It just wears on you. It gets into your head. As much as I feel like I'm free from caring what people think, my freedom is still being stolen because that pervasive message somehow finds a home in my head, whether I like it or not. I do start to feel like I suck and that I everything I do isn't good enough. I do start to feel like a bit of a failure. And i know that isn't true, but you hear that same message enough, it just gets ingrained in your thoughts.

And this is how God's faithfulness and goodness is so evident to me today. Last year, all of this hatred that's being directed towards me would have made me extremely angry and contributed to my bitterness. I would have wanted to fight back and be vindictive. But now, I find myself praying for those people, and not in a "GOD, SMITE THEM ALREADY!!" kind of way. I pray for their hearts, I pray for my own, that He would open my eyes and my heart to where I AM wrong.
I feel almost at peace about it. does that make sense? I feel like i can absorb the attacks without it getting me upset, yet their hateful message still affects me. You hear the same thing enough times, and it's gonna affect you and get into your head.

But I'm thankful to have such a wonderful, faithful Father, who is constantly growing me, changing me and maturing me. He has never left me alone, He's never given up, even though at times I feel like He should've.
It's been a ridiculous journey, but I can turn around, look back and see how far we've come. And something interesting, I feel like when I fall these days, I fall more gracefully. Not that my weak moments are a thing of beauty, but there's so much more grace for me now. I accept His Grace. I press on. I don't get hung-up on my failures. I don't let it keep from from His presence. I do get discouraged when I fail, but I'm encouraged by how I handle failure now. does that make ANY sense?

whew!! i had to get that out! I'm probably not as big a jerk as I just made myself out to be.
.....or maybe i am. i really have no idea! eh.


Here's a picture I've wanted to post for a long time, but havent because I didn't want to be insensitive or make light out of something so serious and prevalent. But I have a feeling no one has even read this far, but if you have, here's your reward. It makes me laugh pretty heartily.