The last four people I've emailed haven't responded. Granted, most of them were those quasi-uncomfortable "hey man, how's your spiritual life? what've you been learning about Jesus? where's your heart" kinda conversations. Well I guess they aren't really conversations since I'm the only one talking! haha!
I've about had it with Apple. Their products make me INSANE. You pay literally twice as much for their machines, then you have to keep pouring money into it because they issue updates every other day and everything gets outdated and doesn't function anymore. Don't even get me started on iTunes. I love it, I use it. I hate it, it makes me want to scream. There are too many restrictions and regulations on everything. There have been a few nights this year when I've just about lost mind freakin mind trying to get their dang products to function correctly.
UNT is offering a entire course on vampires. seriously? oh America. I could go on, oh I could go on, but I think the Lord has really worked a lot of the cynicism out of my heart.
I don't like cynics. Sarcasm can wear me out too. Sarcasm's interesting because it can be a beautiful, finely-crafted tool but it can also be a very destructive weapon without you even realizing. It's a thin line. Until I can master staying on the right side of that line, it's something I do better to avoid, which honestly can be a bummer because I do enjoy it. *sigh* But it's more important to make sure that I use it in a Godly manner. Gotta get that down first.
I worry about people who always have something negative to say about the people around them. That's gotta do a number on your heart.
I was that way for a long time. The stupid thing is that you don't even realize when that's you.
In my experience, the process goes something like this...Sarcasm/snarkiness/criticism leads to cynicism, cynicism leads to self-righteousness, self-righteousness leads to bitterness, and bitterness hardens your heart and kills your joy.
That's the pattern I've seen in my own heart. I wonder if anyone else has opinions on that process and what it does to your heart, I'd sure love to hear it! I wonder if it always works like that or if that was just my case?
I need wisdom. I need specific wisdom. Why is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about their walk with the Lord? Not uncomfortable for me, but for them. Why? Is it something in their heart or is it the way I approach them?
Sometimes I feel too goody-goody and naive to hang with the secular crowd, but too wild and non-traditional to hang with the Christian crowd.
I'm pretty anxious for tomorrow. I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Is that dumb?
2009 was such...wait. I guess I'll save that till later. I have thoughts about this year.
The best movie I saw this summer was Away We Go. Not entirely appropriate I guess, but it was funniest movie I've seen all year, without a doubt. I think Sara said she liked the
Big Fat Geek Tour Guide movie better. right? I think so. That one was alright. We both really enjoyed Angels & Demons. Really fun movie. 500 Days of Summer is this year's Garden State. I like the former more. It resonated with a high-school version of me, but in the end movies like that leave me feeling really depressed. They're such real movies, you can almost relate to them, except they're worlds without hope. I find it hard to watch and enjoy the reality of a life without Jesus. The whole thing feels so hopeless and desperate. Just vicious attempts to find eternity in temporal things. Just bums me out, man.I've only seen 2 movies since August.
I've spent a lot of time in the last few days digging at my heart and searching for what my motivations are. Why are certain things important to me? What do I behave like I do? Why do I think in certain patterns? I'll spend forever thinking myself in circles. I think it's pretty cool because when it comes down to it, I can search my heart and honestly believe that my intentions are pure and that I really am trying to pursue God and reflect His glory, but all I can really be sure of is that the heart, above all things, is deceitful. (Jer. 17:9) So in the end, I may never know for absolute certain what my true motivations are, which is cool because that means I have to rely on Christ for that! I don't know me. I'll never know me on the deepest levels that I wish I knew. But HE does, so I absolutely HAVE to rely on Him.
And that doesn't mean I stop searching my heart to make sure it's pure, it just means that I'm weak, frail, foolish and often blind to how weak, frail and foolish I really am. I don't always have to understand every thing in my heart as long as I understand how desperately I need Him and how I have to lean on Him with all my weight, none of it on my own strength.
Why do i feel like that made no sense? haha! I've been in my head all day. It's odd...when I work from home, I actually end up spending most of the day in complete silence. I have tvs, movies, music all around me, but somehow none of that entices me.
Uh...so there are some random things running through my head this evening.
You are the weakest link, goodbye.
No comments:
Post a Comment