Why it's been so long

Howdy!
I haven't written in a while, eh? But not because I don't want to. In fact, I think about it every day.
Now that I've waited so long, there are too many thoughts colliding with each other and I have no idea in which direction to indulge myself.

Nobody wants a long blog, but brevity has never been a friend of mine.
So consider this blog as a sort-of primer, like attaching a sieve to my heart so that perhaps my thoughts can dribble out more consistently and deliberately.

I hate that my blog has become mostly fluff and irreverence, although I don't want to always feel the pressure to be raw or meaningful either.

So why haven't I blogged in so long? a few reasons.

I don't know my audience...or perhaps, rather, I know my audience too well.
I don't know the reason for writing. I am writing for myself, as a cathartic experience or do I blog to entertain or enlighten or for someone else's benefit?
On the other hand, knowing who reads my blogs unintentionally gives me the proclivity to write with specific readers in mind. That's dangerous. I don't like the control that gives me. I know I can't handle it. It creates too much temptation to try and shape and manipulate people's opinions of me. Even when I honestly think I'm being real, how do I know I'm not trying to control someone's opinion of me? For me, blogging can very easily lead into fear of man traps.

And I don't know if I like the idea of people only knowing me through my blog. While sometimes a very accurate reflection of my heart, it's also only a small portion of the whole of me. 

...which is another reason I haven't written. If I'm going to be all real and whatever, I kinda want people to earn it. That's a serious flaw of mine, I know. I feel like I have grown in that area, but it's still a struggle. I don't want people who don't care about me to have little pieces of me (...which reminds me of that ridiculous Ashlee Simpson song.) I prefer that depth be earned. I feel that's one the effects from the scars I've accrued in recent years.
That being said, I also wouldn't say I'm a closed-off person at all! 

A final reason I haven't blogged much is because I feel like it's so self-centered. Even if I'm miraculously not talking about myself, how often is there not still a self-centered intent behind my writing? What is my purpose and how can I trust myself? Another thing I know about myself is that I like knowing myself. It's an introverted gift to be very self-reflecting and self-aware. That's probably a good thing! But there's a danger in spending too much time processing, analyzing and reflecting. Look, I love talking about personality types, why we are the way we are, and other characteristics that make us so unique, yet so similar. But I think there's a trap to that as well. Spending too much time thinking about yourself, even in a good way, is dangerous.
  Especially for the introvert.
It steals the focus from God. My life isn't about me. This life isn't for me. So in the end, "my" life and my personality and my goals, dreams, failures, etc. aren't what matters. I feel weird writing about what I'm going through because that isn't of importance, and in fact, may be stealing from what is of supreme importance. I don't want to be self-centered. I know this life isn't about me, and I don't want to act like it is. So I think that keeps me from writing a lot of times.
I've a very different blogger than I used to be. There's also probably a fear of being the type of person I was back on xanga. I couldn't be more different and I don't want to be anything resembling that person.

so. I guess I'll just post a little here and there.