I always get torn between praying and just sitting there waiting for God to make something happen and actually taking a chance and doing something myself.
I trust that God will open the right doors at the right time. I trust that. I trust Him. I just hate knocking on the doors to see if they'll open. I guess I'm just frustrated, disappointed and impatient with knocking on, apparently, the wrong doors. Should I just be waiting at the end of the hall for a door to open on it's own? wow...I've completely let this metaphor run wild.
Here's something else that tends to keep my spirit restless. I don't understand why God made me this way. It's quite peculiar. If there is such a thing as a natural romantic, you're looking at him. (i hate admitting all this because my pride would like to maintain any shred of a rough, manly exterior) I have this innate desire to want a woman for me to love and protect, pursue and woo, delight and encourage. All my life, I've been waiting for God to let me out of my cage and go nuts pursuing someone with a passion that's never been seen. (I'm wholly inadequate to describe how I feel.) It's like this desire to encourage and serve and make someone feel beautiful only continues to grow and grow. Yet there's no outlet. It's discouraging and frustrating. I want to make someone feel like the most important woman in the world. I want to serve her and I take delight in her. I want to worship Jesus through my love and care for her. I want to lead and serve. I have a thousand romantic ideas that I'm not sure I'll ever get to use. Yeah, that's pretty fruity, huh? Are all guys like this? I kinda don't think so. It makes me feel kinda girly. vomit. But if this is how God designed me especially...why?? What was the point of that? It's like giving me wings without the ability to fly. It's just a burden. It seems like a cool gift, but really it's just dead weight.
suck.
It makes it hard for a guy like me to see someone that intrigues me and not be able to do anything about it. And you can't go up to a woman and say, "Hey...you're interesting. I want to know more about the real you." because they'll think you're hitting on them. No. I'm not hitting on you. I don't like you. I don't even know you! But you seem like someone I could like. I just want to know who you are! I don't want to know the person you appear to be, I want to know you. How do you get to know someone like that without sending them the wrong message? What if they're someone that you could be interested romantically in OR what if they're someone you know you aren't interested in romantically but you still want to know them, really know them? I mean seriously! How do you handle that?? do you just walk up and say, "Hey I'd really like to know you well. P.S. I might also be interested in you romantically" or "Hey, I'd really like you know you well. I'm just not interested in you romantically at all."
My personality likes to know people. And that's tricky in this day and age. Especially when it comes to the opposite gender. I don't want to send the wrong message. I don't want you to think I'm interested romantically when I'm not. Likewise though, I don't want you to think I'm not interested romantically when I am. Then again, how would I even know if I'm interested romantically if i don't really you. Does any of that make sense?
Do you think some people really are who they appear to be on the surface? Do some people really have no depth and are just constantly only in the here and now?
Lastly, if I were interested in you, you're super lucky because I couldn't possibly BE any sexier! ha! Totally kidding. But I will make you this solemn swear, if you allow me to pursue you, I will promise to always smell good for you. That's a promise you can bank on. It's hard for me to understand...I may not be the best looking dude in the nation of Texas, but I would pursue like a princess. Do women not want that?
ugh. I just hate waiting and not being able to talk to the person/s you want to talk to. I get antsy and anxious, yet there's nothing I can do. I just want to know about you so badly that I can't sit still sometimes!
So there ya go. an embarrassingly honest blog.
ok. Back to my stupid research paper - the history of intelligence testing from 1880 to modern day to the future. woo. stab my eyeballs out, why don't ya.
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