Heart vomit

I have no idea where this blog is going to go.
I don't even know if it's a good idea to be writing anything right now.
All I really DO know is that this is going to be honest and probably embarrassing.
I shall reveal my ignorance to you now. [smiley face] (I don't use emoticons. those are for squares, man.)

My head and heart are blown in a thousand directions right now. I want to understand. I want to understand everything. I believe that my strongest desire in life is to pursue Christ and live a life of worship. But I'm SUCH a cognitive person that I come up with hundreds of questions a day trying to figure out what it means to be a Godly man.

This sanctification process is beating me senseless. I know it's good in the end, but it's friggin' hard. I'll think I have my heart figured out in one area, only to be unconvinced seemingly immediately. I just want to know the truth. I want to understand my heart, and understand what the HECK God is doing in situations in my life. I want to understand what things are from Him and which things are simply a result of my own sinful nature. I want to understand clearly what He's saying and what direction He wants me to go. even in the little things.

The sermon in church today was interesting. It wasn't dynamic or even necessarily enthralling, but God used some of it to blow open my mind.
I think the thing I find myself consistently anxious about it marriage. (I seriously hate admitting this.) I'm not sure there's really anything else in my life that makes me anxious.
I live a pretty well-examine life. But if I'm being honest with myself, when it comes to this arena, I tend to overestimate my role, which causes worry/stress/ungodly anxiety.
I find myself trying to conform to who I think my future wife would want me to be. Even though there's no one right now, I find myself living for her approval. yeah, i know, right? That doesn't even make sense. But it's absolutely true. I think about what she would think of me, and I judge myself accordingly.
I put a lot of attention on that area, and I get anxious thinking that it has to be my doing, that I have to control the situation and make things happen. I have to make her like me. I have to make her attracted to me. As if that's really even possible! HA!

I'm having a seriously difficult time explaining myself here. But basically, for me it all comes down to Matthew 6:33: But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My job is to pursue Him. He provides what I need. How do I lose focus of such a simple concept? Even in my pursuit of Him, I kinda take the reigns on certain issues. Like, I'll feel like it's my duty and my responsibility to make things happen, so I pray and pray that I would do His will and show me will. I so desperately want to know what He wants me to do, so I can do it. But in the end, it seems like He's saying just stop. If I really need the things I think I need, it's in His hands.
I get so caught up in the idea of not wanting to ask God for something and then not doing anything myself, and just being lazy? Like, "God, please help this situation to get resolved" and then not make any effort on my part and just expect Him to do everything. I fight against that idea SO hard that I unknowingly swing back in the other direction and I start trying to do more than has been allotted for me. Some things are out of my control, and there's nothing that I-I-I can do about it, but I want to do my part, but I don't know what God is telling me to do, and I don't know what His end result will be....and I get anxious.
It's stupid and I really can't explain it.
A couple weeks ago, they wasn't really even an issue for me at all.
How do I subtly lose my single-mindedness? Even when I think I'm pursuing God's will.
silly little man.

So there's that stuff exploding in my heart all day. Another issue I've wrestled with this weekend is hurt and the Godly response to that. Unknowingly, I had myself convinced that it was unacceptable to allow myself to feel hurt.
That's such a tricky issue for me because I realize that a lot of hurt in my past was basically rooted in my own pride and even my own bitterness...which is also a result of pride. So when someone hurts me now, I immediately reject it and search my heart for where I'm harboring selfish ideals that would cause me to feel hurt.
Tonight, I'm realizing that sometimes it's okay to just be hurt.
The issue comes with how you handle the hurt, and how you allow it to affect you. Some times it can morph into anger, which over time, morphs into bitterness. I'm telling ya, bitterness is more prevalent in our lives than we realize.
My reaction to my feeling hurt this week, let me to point the finger at myself by saying that I deserve it because this particular situation is simply a result of sin and a hard heart from years past. There are consequences to sin, and I just accepted that the mature response would be to acquiesce to the consequences and just take it. I felt like I had no right to be hurt no matter how badly I was treated because I deserved it.
What's difficult for me is that part of that IS true! But what I didn't realize is that it's still okay to be hurt. Who can define what's fair? Who can determine who deserves what? Did I deserve the treatment I received? It doesn't matter! see! maybe I do, maybe I don't.
When you have such a sovereign God, no one really deserves anything, good or bad. We're still blessed with grace either way.
So, I'm still working my way through this one, because my instinct is to want to know why I was treated this way. But I know that's really quite irrelevant, and if I were to dwell on that question, it would become very unhealthy very quickly. I still feel like I-I should apologize because I know that in some way, I've caused them to treat me this way. I want to seek forgiveness for my attitudes or actions that made them feel like they need to respond in this manner. I don't need to understand why. I don't need to understand anything. I just need to realize that I'm not faultless.

So hurt. Let yourself feel hurt. It's ok. But you need to have discipline in how you hurt.
Discipline in everything.
The whole purpose of Proverbs is to teach wisdom and discipline! The two are directly related.

So tonight I'm almost happy to say - I'm hurting. I've been pushing it away all weekend. So tonight I'll hurt, yet pursue Christ through the hurt and see how He's speaking to me and what He's teaching me in this situation.


So...yeah. That's a brief overview of what's up in my head and heart. That was me being vulnerable. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to pursue Godliness at all costs. So if I need rebuke or if my thinking is in error, please talk to me!
Everyone talks about wanting to be honest and real, but given the chance, most people just take the easy way. I want the easy way too, but even more I want to do what is right.

i really hope i don't sound self righteous or smug. I apologize if i came off that way at all, I swear I was honestly talking off the tip of my heart. I still haven't fully processed some of these thoughts. They're still in their infancy, but I share them nonetheless.

Love you, my dear homies. oooooh...i wanted to write about church today too!! eh. oh well.