The fat lady has sung

I've moved past most of the bitterness and anger. That's resolved.

But I still everything I do and say is wrong. I feel like I'm judged for every move I make, every word I say, every picture I take, every feeling I do or don't have, and on and on and on.

And that's absolutely true to some extent. There are people judging no matter what I do. Even the good I do is twisted into something evil.

I feel like I used to be a fun person. But now I'm aware of every move I make and have to consider how everything I do will be perceived and how it will be used against me. I feel like I can't be myself. I'm so guarded. it's completely ridiculous.

I had that mindset ingrained into me over the last several years, and to some extent I'm free from that. But there are still so many voices calling me a liar, doubting every thing I do, condemning me for doing what I think is the right and loving thing to do. (I swear I'm not even being dramatic here!)

And quite honestly, I don't CARE what people think, what they say doesn't "hurt my feelings", and I don't live my life to shape people's opinions of me. But I'm still weighed down by the constant message that nothing I do is good, everything about me is bad. It just wears on you. It gets into your head. As much as I feel like I'm free from caring what people think, my freedom is still being stolen because that pervasive message somehow finds a home in my head, whether I like it or not. I do start to feel like I suck and that I everything I do isn't good enough. I do start to feel like a bit of a failure. And i know that isn't true, but you hear that same message enough, it just gets ingrained in your thoughts.

And this is how God's faithfulness and goodness is so evident to me today. Last year, all of this hatred that's being directed towards me would have made me extremely angry and contributed to my bitterness. I would have wanted to fight back and be vindictive. But now, I find myself praying for those people, and not in a "GOD, SMITE THEM ALREADY!!" kind of way. I pray for their hearts, I pray for my own, that He would open my eyes and my heart to where I AM wrong.
I feel almost at peace about it. does that make sense? I feel like i can absorb the attacks without it getting me upset, yet their hateful message still affects me. You hear the same thing enough times, and it's gonna affect you and get into your head.

But I'm thankful to have such a wonderful, faithful Father, who is constantly growing me, changing me and maturing me. He has never left me alone, He's never given up, even though at times I feel like He should've.
It's been a ridiculous journey, but I can turn around, look back and see how far we've come. And something interesting, I feel like when I fall these days, I fall more gracefully. Not that my weak moments are a thing of beauty, but there's so much more grace for me now. I accept His Grace. I press on. I don't get hung-up on my failures. I don't let it keep from from His presence. I do get discouraged when I fail, but I'm encouraged by how I handle failure now. does that make ANY sense?

whew!! i had to get that out! I'm probably not as big a jerk as I just made myself out to be.
.....or maybe i am. i really have no idea! eh.


Here's a picture I've wanted to post for a long time, but havent because I didn't want to be insensitive or make light out of something so serious and prevalent. But I have a feeling no one has even read this far, but if you have, here's your reward. It makes me laugh pretty heartily.