The Leftovers

 Here are remnants from the thoughts strolling through my mind today.

I ran across my favorite (hmm...well it's in my top 5 at least) Relient K lyric again yesterday. I hadn't heard it in long time. It's so funny too, because they jam this poignant line in at the end of a lighthearted song. I love those guys!
"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am"
     That connects with me on several levels. It's such an accurate description of who I am now, particularity after NHBC.
I don't want people to think they know me or assume anything about me. I want them to actually know me.
If someone knows me for who really am, then I could care less if they like me or not. Just as long as their opinion is based on who I really am, and not just their perception. Percieve me for who I am, not for who you think I am by what you see. Cuz that way, I'm totally fine with you not liking me. I'm still just gonna be me. I just want to be understood....which is the title of another Relient K song on the same album as the aforementioned. ooh let me look up those lyrics!
"You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"
There's a great line from "I Am Understood?" That's also the song with the killer chorus: You looked into my life and never stopped..."  Oh mercy! yes! Love it.


 Another rumination from today: I wonder if my personality has been more shaped by who I don't want to be rather than by who I do want to be? Or maybe that's the same thing. One of the strongest qualities of my personality type is that of the observer. We notice things, we take things in, we analyze, we read between the lines. We're sponges. We kinda absorb things about people. I wonder if the drawback to that attribute is that I notice the qualities, eccentricities, or actions of other people and subconsciously think, "Ooh, i don't want to be like that!" Not to say that I'm judging them, it just sparks something in my mind that tells me not to be like that in my life.
               Conversely, I do look notice qualities in other people that I admire and want to emulate in my own life!
   But beyond just being an observer by nature, I also learn best by example, so it's natural for me to learn from watching people and seeing how certain qualities manifest in their life. It's easier to apply to myself that way. I love looking at Jesus and see how He loved and how He served, etc. I love looking at Chandler and Patterson and seeing how they love their wives. At the same time it's almost just as helpful to me to look at someone who doesn't love their wife as well I'd hope to and learn from the ways that they're failing.
  Does that make sense?
hahah..yeah! It does. To meeeeeee! hahaha!!  and too bad if it doesn't, because I don't feel like trying to explain further. It's exhausting being in my head all day. You should try it.

 A thought today that brought me SO much peace and satisfaction: I am not my own. My life isn't mine.
I love that. Simple, but overwhelming. That simple reminder flooded me with peace today.


So there are some crumbs leftover from today's thoughts. From my heart to your eyeballs.
I think it's safe to say that you can be expecting a blog about the joy of baseball in the near future. Although, I probably say that every year and it never manifests anywhere other than my own brain. So we'll see.


TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!

E-I-E-I Oh!

If E's wants E's, and I's want E's, who wants I's?

Erin

I keep having dreams about Erin Cushman. She was Erin Rogers when I knew her. I haven't seen her in probably 5+ years, but we were good friends in high school and into college.

She and her husband lost her newborn baby a few months ago, and ever since, I randomly have dreams about her.

I've had 5 or 6 random dreams about her. Every time I have one, I wake up and think, "Oy! That was from God! I need to pray for her!" which is odd for me because I don't put that kind of weight or purpose behind any of my other dreams. But for some reason I feel like God gives me dreams about her so that I will pray.

In fact, last month I had a sad dream about Erin and Blair, woke up praying for them, then saw on Erin's fb that that day was the 3 month anniversary of the loss of their baby. Doesn't it blow your mind to see God work like that? I have virtually no connection to her anymore, yet He has laid it on my heart to be burdened for them. It's incredible.

Last night I had a dream that I was finally going to see her in real life for the first time years. There were lots of old North Highlands people there like Sadie and Pam Andersen. I talked to them, but every time I looked at Erin my eyes started welling up (aaand they are right now just thinking about it). When I finally got my chance to see her, I hugged her so tight and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I don't know that we even talked. I just cried. Then I woke up. It was 5am and my eyes were soaking wet. I have never had a dream where I've been crying in a dream and woke to find that I was crying in real life too. I grabbed my phone and wrote on her facebook wall that I was praying for her, then rolled over and prayed for her until I fell asleep again.

Group Dynamics

I'm not quiet!!!
I'm not a quiet person. I don't want to be labeled that. That's almost as bad as being labeled an introvert.
I'm not quiet. But I'm content to let other people talk. The E's need attention (I don't say that as a bad thing! That's just how they're charged!) so that's fine! I'm not going to fight for peoples' attention. But then again, we kinda tend to get overlooked by not being boisterous like them. Not that we can't be boisterous.

ugh. I just like talking to people one-on-one. I'm sorry. I do. I know that's ridiculous and seemingly impossible in this culture, when everything is so group-focused. I like knowing people, really knowing people. And honestly, I am probably intense because I'll kinda just ask people anything. I don't see why we can't be open and be real and...I mean, what's to hide or be embarrassed of?  ...but i know most people don't think that way.



And don't you hate it when there's one person in a group of people that you'd really like to talk to, but can't? and don't you hate when there's one person in a group of people that melts your brain so that you can't function normally? 

blah.

I don't know what i'm trying to say. Sara said to just write as if no one's reading, write for yourself. That's hard.

It's always weird for me when people mention that I work out as if they can tell. I don't feel like I look like that. I still feel small. I know I'm short, but I just still kinda feel like I did in junior high. I'm small and not quite the size of normal people. Somewhere between Hobbit and regular.

I kinda hate when people on facebook say "God is so good! I got the job!" or "God is so good! I got a new shoe!"  Yo people, God is good ALL the time! ALLLLLLLL the time!! He's good when He doesn't give you what you want, He's so good that He DOESN'T give you what you want! He's not a genie. Yes, it's nice when things turn out the way we want, but either way it doesn't change the nature and character of God. He is good. All the time. So suck on that!






Here's a picture.

Things I Wouldn't Say On Facebook

This won't be nearly as interesting as the title would leave you to believe. Though, I probably should be keeping a list of things I wanted to say, but thought best not to say on ole facebook.


All I was gonna say this time is that whenever I watch the newest Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightly (which I swear is not that often!) I always feel like the movie is just starting when it ends. Maybe that's because I've seen the long version and I feel like there should be more story, more depth. I don't know what it is, but when the credits roll, I'm always like, "Whaaaa?? But it JUST finally got started!" Sadness.
      I haven't seen the BBC version in years, and I'd really love to watch it again, but I'm not sure that even I-I-I am manly enough to sit alone in the dark and watch that by myself. Hard to believe, huh? Ok, so I probably would do that, but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone!!
      Another movie that I always wish was longer is Leap Year. I don't have the same feeling that it's just getting going when it's really just ending, but throughout the movie, I find myself enjoying it so much that I wish it was longer. I wish there were more scenes. I just want to soak it in a wee longer!
     so yeah. Those are the kind of movies I enjoy. But if you know me, you probably already knew that anyway. If you don't know me, then surprise, I'm weird. Weird, but straight. Super straight.
        Since this has been a particularly fruity post, to even it out, here's a ridiculously over-the-top manly picture from another of my favorite movies (that I haven't seen in years and years)

Put. the. bunny. back. in. the. box.

I didn't cry!

I watched this this afternoon.

Wow. Now things are so...different.
I could write a book. 

I love that John Mark McMillan song "How He Loves". That's a perfect song. Sometimes I think it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like a worship song about us. It seems so us-centric. But the real joy in the song is that He loves us for His glory. He doesn't love us because we're lovely or anything. It's not about us, it's about Him, and isn't that absolutely refreshing? I know that's such a simple thought, but it always floors me.
       And not only that, but loves us in spite of us. Man, that's awesome. What a loving God! Can I get a what what?
       Another thing I love is that God cares about the dumb stuff that I feel like I shouldn't care about! I love that I can talk to Him about things that seemingly don't even have eternal significance, and He still cares. Blows my mind. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty that I care so much (or even at all, in some cases) about earthly stuff, yet He doesn't blow me off or laugh at me (like most guys would do) but instead He listens, loves and cares. I like talking to God.

oooh time for our team meeting! gotta run. TTFN!

Music

I think that even my music preferences are influenced by my personality type.
I just realized this last week.
I think that's why I don't like music like The Civil Wars or Dashboard or whatever.
Because I'm an INFJ, I feel things deeply. And I tend to be acutely empathetic.

  When I listen to that music, I feel it. Not in the good way.

It's not the lyrics that do it, it's the music, the melody, the rhythm. The melody settles into me and I feel the desperation and sorrow in the music. There's an intangible quality about that music that feels so forlorn.
    
To be honest, the lyrics could be the greatest thing in the world. I love lyrics, but I feel the music. I empathize with the story the music speaks to me, even if that's not the musician's intent.

  My heart just hears music in a certain way and that kind of stuff gets rejected by my ears because it makes me feel like all hope is lost. 

Haha!! I can't really explain myself. And I'm sure you lot think I'm a nutter because ya'll don't hear it the way I do. I guess it's like how people look at art and can see completely different things or feel completely different things. Sometimes I just hear things differently than everyone else, and that's probably because I feel it more than hear it.
That's my relationship with music.
And yeah, it's weird.

The World As Best As I Remember It

When I get to Heaven, I want to gather a group of saints and sit around and sing Rich Mullins songs until our hearts explode.

Actually, I'd like to do that on earth.

I do that by myself nearly every day, but I wonder what it'd sound like with all those voices and hearts mingling together in praise and passion.

So the moral of the story is...study up on your Rich now, ya'll, so we can jam out with Jesus later, ok?

Another hour deeper in the night, another mile down the road...we could be closer than you know. 

"And oh, I hear the voice of a million dreams
Then I wake in the world that I'm partly made of
And the world that is partly my homemaking
And oh, I hear the song of a heart set free
That will not be kept down
By the fury and sound
Of a world that is wasting away"