the jills

Also. I love spending time with my sister. That's also quite refreshing. I love that we have such a good relationship. There's nothing like family. God has done so freaking much between us this year. The screwy thing is that it was her illness that brought us so close. It was a rough summer dealing her here. Unbelievably emotionally draining. But if we hadn't had to go through there, we wouldn't be where we are now. And as much as it drained me, I'm glad I was able to be there and take care of her and Ty.
    Why does other Jill make me nervous?
oh that's a good question you ask! I thought about that a lot, and I'm not sure I have concrete answers, but I've started to dig at enough to where I probably have the beginning of answers.
 First of all, she doesn't make me super nervous. I just can't completely relax. I don't feel like I'm super free to just be me. I think that's because I've never really felt fully accepted by her and I so badly want her to like me. That's kinda embarrassing, huh? I'm not one who really cares much about people's approval or even their opinion of me, but for some reason, I DO want to be accepted by her.
why?
 Several reasons, maybe. That girl loves Jesus. At times I've felt like she just doesn't like me, and perhaps I've allowed that to be a reflection of value in other people's eyes. I'm not really sure. Maybe I've subconsciously thought, "Oh well if I really was a Godly person, then she would like me."
    Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about anything other than platonic. She's my best friend's sister. Of course I want her to like me! Plus, I've known her since she was a but a mere lassie! You don't want people that have known you a long time to decide they don't like you. I think there's somewhat of a fear that since she's seen me in so many less-mature eras of my life, that has shaped her opinion of me, like I'll always be stuck being the worst person she's seen me be.  whoa, did that make sense to you? It's like the Cross Canadian Ragweed song, "You're always 17 in your hometown"  They always seen you one way. You can't change in their minds. You'll always be the immature person you were back then because that's how they know you.
 So I guess in essence I always feel a pressure to have to prove myself to her and impress her or show her who I really am. If i say one wrong thing, she'll think I'm that bad person. I feel like I have to prove myself. That can be crippling for an introvert. Draining.
   Another aspect is that I feel like there are times when I have been real with her, when I have put myself out there. I don't think I'm fake. I've always been honest with her. I really think I have. But there have been times when (and I don't mean this to put the blame on her!) I feel like she's just being nice to my face. Not that she talks about me behind my back or anything like that. She's not that kind of person. I just mean that she treats me so nicely, but in reality she hasn't always been very fond of me. I guess that's how the real world works, but I would much prefer that if someone has a problem with me, for them to act like there's a problem. It seems more real that way. There have been times I know I've upset or offended or maybe even pissed her off, but she won't talk about it with me. I feel like Lauren has probably talked to her about me in the past too (which I no doubt I deserved - no question), so she just didn't have a good opinion of me at all, even though I'm not sure she really knew me herself. She's the sweetest human ever, but I know there have been times when I've made her angry or jealous and her opinion of me hasn't been good, yet I would never know it because she's so dang nice to me. The only reason I would know is because Sara has mentioned it to me.
        So I guess in the end, it leads me to feel like I have to prove myself to her and yet I always feel like I'm failing because no matter how kind she is to me, I don't know what she's really thinking. When I'm with her, I feel like we're friends and like we're having fun. But then I always question that after she leaves. 
    I guess that's what's up. Kinda dumb, huh? I hate admitting all that because it's so childish. But like I said, it's not a problem I have with everyone. Mostly just her. Because I do adore her, I do admire her, I do want to be friends. I've watched her grow up and I've watched her love for Jesus grow and grow and grow. I admire her so much! Her sister is the best friend I've ever had. I just want to live in peace. And I think we do, but I think it could be better. I'm an INFJ. we always want more. We like depth, we like investing in relationships. I hope I didn't make her sound like anything other than a less-than-Godly person, because she is a Godly woman. And I genuinely DO enjoy begin around her! I genuinely DO enjoy who she is! So much! I really, really do. I love her.
The problem is ME. I'm so overly conscious of how she sees me. It's lame. But that's how I've been conditioned. 

     so yeah, this is an awkward blog. more personal than I usually care to be on my blog these days. kinda creepy. While this one may not be deep, at least it's real. And that's something, I guess.

I just had so much fun with Hannah and Jill yesterday. I wish I could do that every week. Just one meal, a couple hours a week. That would be perfect.
I cant wait for Oct. 8th.