Attention Ladies!

For years I have worn Abercrombie's Woods cologne. However, after attempting to purchase a new bottle at the store, I found out they haven't sold it in years. You can purchase it on ebay at $150 for half a bottle. Yes. That's correct. Look it up.

So I need to alert womankind that I will no longer be smelling like a stylish, debonair international businessman whose aroma has captured your heart. Instead, I will be smelling like a classy lumberjack. My new scent is manly, perhaps too manly for some. My fragrance will now remind you of a dashing construction worker wearing a tie. It's gritty and manily, yet reeks of sophistication. 

I have about 1oz. of Woods left, so please bid adieu to the aroma of a swanky playboy who's dressed so exquisitely he might even be a spy. Goodbye to that Jordan, surely all the memories we made in that cologne will be sorely missed.

But please let's take a moment to savor the thought of the new Jordan, who's obscenely sensual scent brings to mind that of an astronaut petting a kitten - genteel and gracious yet appallingly masculine.

Thank you for your time. I apologize that you now have to go about your day with the crippling anticipation of the redolence you will one day encounter.