and if you feel lost and tired, this is your song...

In all of my obscene foresight and wisdom, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the hardest thing about marriage is deciding what to listen to in the car.

As the man, I believe it's my duty to serve my wife, so I'd let her decide. But is that something I can live with? What if she's perfectly normal hot, Godly woman, except that she loves European acid techo dance beats? What if that's ALL she likes?? Who would have ever thought that being a servant leader could be THAT hard??

One of my biggest dilemmas in life is deciding whether to talk or listen to music in the car. If I had my choice, it'd be music. Except I love good conversation and car rides are very conducive to that. But then again, is there really a better place to sing your lungs out then that friendly confines of your car? In your car, you can sing as loud and as awfully as you want, no matter who is in the car. That's a beautiful thing!

I'm not sure there's much I really love more than listening and singing to music. Oh my mercy I suck at singing, but I honestly couldn't care less.

When I buy a house, I don't really care how big it is...wait, that's a lie. I would love a house big enough for lots of entertaining and guests....but I really would like a big kitchen so that I can cook and listen to music and sing without bothering everyone else.

Ya dig?

Christmas eve

Man, next year I need to go to the Christmas eve service alone, so that I can sit on the last row and just cry my eyes out.

God and sinner reconciled. Is there any greater gift?

I think I gave myself a headache yesterday trying to hold in all the tears where desperately trying to escape.

Christmas eve might be my favorite day of the year. It's SUCH a celebration!!

*sigh*

i need my hands wrenched open because i think i care too much.

morning has broken

I never get tired of watching the world wake up and come alive. Looking out from my view on the top floor, I watch the landscape come alive. It’s breathtaking and humbling. The night is leaving us and day is returning. As the sun slowly spreads itself out, cracking the fragile shell of darkness that has sheltered us, I watch lights all across the horizon everywhere tink off one by one as if the last hurrah of another successful night.
The still and peacefulness of night is once again transformed back into chaos and stress. The world that was recently blanketed in silence and solitude has given itself over to the cacophony of voices and engines. I am no longer alone as I fade into just another face in the restless masses.
There’s a hint of sadness in leaving the serene tranquility behind, yet within each morning there is a deep abiding joy. As the Earth is renewed again, so is my heart. The reflection of His overwhelming beauty explodes all over the landscape and all of creation is washed in His radiant sunlight and sparkles with the newness of the day; So my soul is scrubbed clean of any pride undermining my joy and I am once again caught up in the euphoria of His love that is fervently romancing me.

So, the solitude the night afforded me has nourished my heart in anticipation for joy of the day. What good is the night without the day?

The promise of hope is always on the horizon.

Take Delight

My reading this morning was in 2 Peter. He’s talking about how He was a witness to Christ, His resurrection and transfiguration, and I misread it. It says, “…a voice came to Him from Majestic Glory: This is my Son, I take delight in Him.”

The way I read it, I though it said, “This is my Son, Take delight in Him.”

So that’s not what it says, but isn’t that a wonderful command nonetheless? Take delight in Him. Isn’t that what all of this is about? Isn’t that the purpose of our lives?

I don’t know that I can really expound on that any further. I was just left in awe this morning. I spent time thinking about Jesus and taking joy in Him. Not just joy in what He did for me, but joy in His overwhelming majesty! I always want to find my joy in who He is, and not just in the incredible things He’s done for me. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. My salvation isn’t about me, it’s about Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. It’s about who He is, and who He is demands praise. In the presence of a beauty that powerful, all you really want to do is worship and glorify Him! Heck, it’s so overwhelming, it’s all you really can do!
 My only job is to submit to his magnificent glory. And how could you do anything less in the presence of such a glorious, loving King??

So yeah, I like the idea of taking delight in Him. That’s where our hope is. That’s where our hearts are hidden. He is everything we need.  Take delight in Him and nothing else matters. His beauty put everything in perspective.

Come on down!

This is an attempt to curb my freakish desire to always tell people when I dream about them. Whenever I wake up having dreamt about someone I always think, "Oh so-and-so would love this! They'll think it's so random and hilarious!!" 
Um, no. It's creepy and weird.
So I'm trying to curb that ludicrous train of thought.

However, I-I-I do still find my dreams amusing, even if it's only because I was actually there to see how fun and hilarious they are.

So despite my better judgment, I found this a-moos-ing...

First I was at the gym. Or rather, I was at a gym, since this one had a roller coaster and carnival inside. But Jared Compton was there working out, and so was Tracy Osborn.  Jared was trying to talk to me about S. Korea and catch up on life. Tracy, I don't know what she was doing. Just hanging out I guess. Some mean guy was hogging a machine I wanted to use, so I went to find something else to use and I fell in the pond.

Next dream, Joel and I were going to a taping of The Price is Right. We were waiting in line to get in and I told him to act really really excited so that they'd be sure to "randomly" pick our names to play. We got to fill out our own name tags, so I wrote "Jordan!!!!!!!" so that they'd know I was very excited. Haha! It seriously took me about 10 minutes to color in the exclamation points.

    When I finally got done with my awesome name tag, I went inside the auditorium to find Joel (who at the point at turned into Drew Johnson instead). When I walked in I saw Karis Butler standing there waiting for, I assumed, more JBU people. Yeah, I thought that was weird even in my dream. I did a double take to make sure it was really her, but I couldn't mistake the hair. It was her. I thought, "Really? Karis? huh?? How odd. ooooh! We must be in Tulsa! okay. That makes sense. yeah there will probably be a lot of JBUers here. Oh, but wait. There's David Hatteberg! What would HE be doing in Tulsa?"
         I going to go introduce myself to Karis and then talk to David for a while, but all of a sudden BAM! we were in the middle of the show being taped! They hadn't called my name yet, but I was on the front row watching it all.
The host? Dave Foley. of course....? oh and he wasn't just an actor, he was also an astronaut. Because that makes sense.  I thought, "I can't remember the episode of Newsradio where he was an astronaut." Then I realized that was bc he really IS an astronaut now.


See? aren't my dreams fun??? you better not be shaking your head, because if you are, you're a liar! [smiley face]

.

.              A young dave foley. He's one of the good Canadians.

a christmas miracle?

I MIGHT have just almost cried at a Kay Jeweler's commercial.
Luckily I realized what I was doing and started laughing at myself before any real tears actually made it all the way out of my eyes.

Hahaha! Those stupid sweet commercials.

Oh man....what is wrong with me?

Does this mean I'm pregnant or something?

Oh gosh I hope not!

everyday sunday

I wish every morning could start like Sunday starts. Why can't it?

 Why couldn't we all meet at church at 7am every day, listening to Jesus being preached, join with the saints in singing to our Savior, then go about our day?

That would be the best life ever.

Heart vomit

I have no idea where this blog is going to go.
I don't even know if it's a good idea to be writing anything right now.
All I really DO know is that this is going to be honest and probably embarrassing.
I shall reveal my ignorance to you now. [smiley face] (I don't use emoticons. those are for squares, man.)

My head and heart are blown in a thousand directions right now. I want to understand. I want to understand everything. I believe that my strongest desire in life is to pursue Christ and live a life of worship. But I'm SUCH a cognitive person that I come up with hundreds of questions a day trying to figure out what it means to be a Godly man.

This sanctification process is beating me senseless. I know it's good in the end, but it's friggin' hard. I'll think I have my heart figured out in one area, only to be unconvinced seemingly immediately. I just want to know the truth. I want to understand my heart, and understand what the HECK God is doing in situations in my life. I want to understand what things are from Him and which things are simply a result of my own sinful nature. I want to understand clearly what He's saying and what direction He wants me to go. even in the little things.

The sermon in church today was interesting. It wasn't dynamic or even necessarily enthralling, but God used some of it to blow open my mind.
I think the thing I find myself consistently anxious about it marriage. (I seriously hate admitting this.) I'm not sure there's really anything else in my life that makes me anxious.
I live a pretty well-examine life. But if I'm being honest with myself, when it comes to this arena, I tend to overestimate my role, which causes worry/stress/ungodly anxiety.
I find myself trying to conform to who I think my future wife would want me to be. Even though there's no one right now, I find myself living for her approval. yeah, i know, right? That doesn't even make sense. But it's absolutely true. I think about what she would think of me, and I judge myself accordingly.
I put a lot of attention on that area, and I get anxious thinking that it has to be my doing, that I have to control the situation and make things happen. I have to make her like me. I have to make her attracted to me. As if that's really even possible! HA!

I'm having a seriously difficult time explaining myself here. But basically, for me it all comes down to Matthew 6:33: But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My job is to pursue Him. He provides what I need. How do I lose focus of such a simple concept? Even in my pursuit of Him, I kinda take the reigns on certain issues. Like, I'll feel like it's my duty and my responsibility to make things happen, so I pray and pray that I would do His will and show me will. I so desperately want to know what He wants me to do, so I can do it. But in the end, it seems like He's saying just stop. If I really need the things I think I need, it's in His hands.
I get so caught up in the idea of not wanting to ask God for something and then not doing anything myself, and just being lazy? Like, "God, please help this situation to get resolved" and then not make any effort on my part and just expect Him to do everything. I fight against that idea SO hard that I unknowingly swing back in the other direction and I start trying to do more than has been allotted for me. Some things are out of my control, and there's nothing that I-I-I can do about it, but I want to do my part, but I don't know what God is telling me to do, and I don't know what His end result will be....and I get anxious.
It's stupid and I really can't explain it.
A couple weeks ago, they wasn't really even an issue for me at all.
How do I subtly lose my single-mindedness? Even when I think I'm pursuing God's will.
silly little man.

So there's that stuff exploding in my heart all day. Another issue I've wrestled with this weekend is hurt and the Godly response to that. Unknowingly, I had myself convinced that it was unacceptable to allow myself to feel hurt.
That's such a tricky issue for me because I realize that a lot of hurt in my past was basically rooted in my own pride and even my own bitterness...which is also a result of pride. So when someone hurts me now, I immediately reject it and search my heart for where I'm harboring selfish ideals that would cause me to feel hurt.
Tonight, I'm realizing that sometimes it's okay to just be hurt.
The issue comes with how you handle the hurt, and how you allow it to affect you. Some times it can morph into anger, which over time, morphs into bitterness. I'm telling ya, bitterness is more prevalent in our lives than we realize.
My reaction to my feeling hurt this week, let me to point the finger at myself by saying that I deserve it because this particular situation is simply a result of sin and a hard heart from years past. There are consequences to sin, and I just accepted that the mature response would be to acquiesce to the consequences and just take it. I felt like I had no right to be hurt no matter how badly I was treated because I deserved it.
What's difficult for me is that part of that IS true! But what I didn't realize is that it's still okay to be hurt. Who can define what's fair? Who can determine who deserves what? Did I deserve the treatment I received? It doesn't matter! see! maybe I do, maybe I don't.
When you have such a sovereign God, no one really deserves anything, good or bad. We're still blessed with grace either way.
So, I'm still working my way through this one, because my instinct is to want to know why I was treated this way. But I know that's really quite irrelevant, and if I were to dwell on that question, it would become very unhealthy very quickly. I still feel like I-I should apologize because I know that in some way, I've caused them to treat me this way. I want to seek forgiveness for my attitudes or actions that made them feel like they need to respond in this manner. I don't need to understand why. I don't need to understand anything. I just need to realize that I'm not faultless.

So hurt. Let yourself feel hurt. It's ok. But you need to have discipline in how you hurt.
Discipline in everything.
The whole purpose of Proverbs is to teach wisdom and discipline! The two are directly related.

So tonight I'm almost happy to say - I'm hurting. I've been pushing it away all weekend. So tonight I'll hurt, yet pursue Christ through the hurt and see how He's speaking to me and what He's teaching me in this situation.


So...yeah. That's a brief overview of what's up in my head and heart. That was me being vulnerable. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to pursue Godliness at all costs. So if I need rebuke or if my thinking is in error, please talk to me!
Everyone talks about wanting to be honest and real, but given the chance, most people just take the easy way. I want the easy way too, but even more I want to do what is right.

i really hope i don't sound self righteous or smug. I apologize if i came off that way at all, I swear I was honestly talking off the tip of my heart. I still haven't fully processed some of these thoughts. They're still in their infancy, but I share them nonetheless.

Love you, my dear homies. oooooh...i wanted to write about church today too!! eh. oh well.

The Weakest Link

I'm a blogoholic lately. I guess that's what procrastination will do to you. I hate it when I'm undisciplined. This time of year lends itself to that.

The last four people I've emailed haven't responded. Granted, most of them were those quasi-uncomfortable "hey man, how's your spiritual life? what've you been learning about Jesus? where's your heart" kinda conversations. Well I guess they aren't really conversations since I'm the only one talking! haha!

I've about had it with Apple. Their products make me INSANE. You pay literally twice as much for their machines, then you have to keep pouring money into it because they issue updates every other day and everything gets outdated and doesn't function anymore. Don't even get me started on iTunes. I love it, I use it. I hate it, it makes me want to scream. There are too many restrictions and regulations on everything. There have been a few nights this year when I've just about lost mind freakin mind trying to get their dang products to function correctly.

UNT is offering a entire course on vampires. seriously? oh America. I could go on, oh I could go on, but I think the Lord has really worked a lot of the cynicism out of my heart.

I don't like cynics. Sarcasm can wear me out too. Sarcasm's interesting because it can be a beautiful, finely-crafted tool but it can also be a very destructive weapon without you even realizing. It's a thin line. Until I can master staying on the right side of that line, it's something I do better to avoid, which honestly can be a bummer because I do enjoy it. *sigh* But it's more important to make sure that I use it in a Godly manner. Gotta get that down first.

I worry about people who always have something negative to say about the people around them. That's gotta do a number on your heart.
I was that way for a long time. The stupid thing is that you don't even realize when that's you.

In my experience, the process goes something like this...Sarcasm/snarkiness/criticism leads to cynicism, cynicism leads to self-righteousness, self-righteousness leads to bitterness, and bitterness hardens your heart and kills your joy.
That's the pattern I've seen in my own heart. I wonder if anyone else has opinions on that process and what it does to your heart, I'd sure love to hear it! I wonder if it always works like that or if that was just my case?

I need wisdom. I need specific wisdom. Why is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about their walk with the Lord? Not uncomfortable for me, but for them. Why? Is it something in their heart or is it the way I approach them?

Sometimes I feel too goody-goody and naive to hang with the secular crowd, but too wild and non-traditional to hang with the Christian crowd.

I'm pretty anxious for tomorrow. I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Is that dumb?

2009 was such...wait. I guess I'll save that till later. I have thoughts about this year.

The best movie I saw this summer was Away We Go. Not entirely appropriate I guess, but it was funniest movie I've seen all year, without a doubt. I think Sara said she liked the Big Fat Geek Tour Guide movie better. right? I think so. That one was alright. We both really enjoyed Angels & Demons. Really fun movie. 500 Days of Summer is this year's Garden State. I like the former more. It resonated with a high-school version of me, but in the end movies like that leave me feeling really depressed. They're such real movies, you can almost relate to them, except they're worlds without hope. I find it hard to watch and enjoy the reality of a life without Jesus. The whole thing feels so hopeless and desperate. Just vicious attempts to find eternity in temporal things. Just bums me out, man.

I've only seen 2 movies since August.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few days digging at my heart and searching for what my motivations are. Why are certain things important to me? What do I behave like I do? Why do I think in certain patterns? I'll spend forever thinking myself in circles. I think it's pretty cool because when it comes down to it, I can search my heart and honestly believe that my intentions are pure and that I really am trying to pursue God and reflect His glory, but all I can really be sure of is that the heart, above all things, is deceitful. (Jer. 17:9) So in the end, I may never know for absolute certain what my true motivations are, which is cool because that means I have to rely on Christ for that! I don't know me. I'll never know me on the deepest levels that I wish I knew. But HE does, so I absolutely HAVE to rely on Him.
And that doesn't mean I stop searching my heart to make sure it's pure, it just means that I'm weak, frail, foolish and often blind to how weak, frail and foolish I really am. I don't always have to understand every thing in my heart as long as I understand how desperately I need Him and how I have to lean on Him with all my weight, none of it on my own strength.

Why do i feel like that made no sense? haha! I've been in my head all day. It's odd...when I work from home, I actually end up spending most of the day in complete silence. I have tvs, movies, music all around me, but somehow none of that entices me.

Uh...so there are some random things running through my head this evening.

You are the weakest link, goodbye.

We can dance if we want to!

When I had my radio show at Moody, I would always play The Safety Dance. There was some Christian band that had covered the song. (Because secular music is bad, but Christians covering secular music is okay! duh.) I always liked that song. It's dumb and it always kinda makes me half-smile. Not whole smile, because like I said, it's dumb.

But I always thought I was so hilarious for playing it because the chorus is "We can dance if we to, we can leave this world behind...." and you can't dance at Moody, so I thought it was hilarious to play a song promoting something we can't do. Hey, it was in their music catalog!

I was always say something stupid like, "Here's a song about things we can't do at this school!" or "Here's a glimpse of the fun people are having outside of this bubble!" or "Did you enjoy that last song? Yeah, that's because you're a SINNER! It was about sinful, morally reprehensible activities and you shouldn't listen to filth like that!"

I thought I was hilarious.

I was completely lame. Someone should have slapped me.

Could this be the end?

Look, i made rhymes!


It's gently snowing.
I can feel the fear growing.
Panic fills the air
Why doesn't God care?
What can we do?
We won't make it through
this plague of despair
poisoning our air.
How can we drive?
We can't possibly survive!
Dallas is doomed
our bodies entombed.
In this coffin we await
such a tragic fate.
With terror we're seized.
Surely God is not pleased.
The snowing won't cease.
There's no hope of peace.
His wrath is not fun.
Oh wait...it's done.

Questions

It's barely 9am and I've already composed a beautiful, beautiful poem.
A person of interest is it's basis, I really hope you don't find it racist.


Questions

What is Hannah Goetz doing right now?
is she in the pasture milking the cow?
Perhaps sleeping soundly, still fast asleep?
no, she's a farmer, tending her sheep!

Does she like skiing, on top of a mountain?
Do you think she spits in drinking fountains?
Is she a mexican? Ergo de facto,
her lunch must consist of chewing tobacco!
Is her hair pink or is it yellow?
Is she moody or actually quite mellow?

Questions like these must be asked daily
until we get blown up by an angry Israeli.