"Ted, it's a POEM!"

First. Pray for me. I've had a heavy heart lately for several reasons.

Lately God has been doing these weird, funny things that I don't understand. Just super coincidental things. It seriously stirs my heart because I feel like He's communicating with me. He is so good. He is so GOOD. sometimes i just love saying that!

I'll spare you the other awesome stories, but this was an odd one today.

As I was praying after work today I found myself praying for wisdom. Maybe begging would be a more accurate word. I was begging Him for wisdom, and as I was praying for that, I thought about that verse that promises that He'll give us wisdom if we ask, and ask with faith. I had no idea where it is in the NT, but I'd just read it in the past few weeks. It made me smile because I love that reassurance, and the confidence that I find in that. I treasure that promise, especially today.

Then I opened my Bible and I happened to be starting the book of James today. I began reading and immediately, BAM-O! The fifth verse in: "But if anyone is deficient in wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without reprimand, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed around by the wind."

How ding dang awesome is THAT? oh mercy, that seriously made me laugh out loud! I honestly think God was reassuring me that He will provide the wisdom I need in this situation.

I thought that was pretty funny, but then, something else happened. SUPER weird.

I made it down to verse 14:
"But each one is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then when desire conceives, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is full grown, it gives birth to death."

This is one of those unexplainable bizarre things, but when I read the word "death" it instantly triggered something in my mind and made me start writing. and rhyming.
I immediately thought of where I was mentally & spiritually a few years ago and how dark it had gotten. I just started writing.

This is really insane to me because rhyming and whatnot never came easy to me. I wanted to be a lyricist when I was growing up but I suck at it. I can't make words flow out of my head very easily, but today this stuff was just being puked out of my head.
That being said, I'd like to stress that I'm claiming that it was unnaturally EASY, not that it bears any semblance of being GOOD.
We're talking 2nd grade bad rhyming. There's no consistency or talent. I would liken this to Barnabas Stinson's Sexless Innkeeper, except much worse. But I think he'd be proud though because, hey, it rhymes!

But I feel like somehow God was in it. Why? i have no idea! Another one of those ridiculously strange things He's been doing to me lately. This thing is terrible, but it feels exactly like where I was three years. It's spooky to me. I creeps meself out!
I basically wasted every opportunity He gave me for about three years. That's what it feels like now. I'd like to say that I'm just strong-willed, but really I'm just stubborn and bullheaded. Anyway, I've had/gotten to repent to a lot of people this year.
When He humbles me, He breaks my kneecaps. But I'm sure glad He does!
this is where i need to be.

Simply for the sake of being vulnerable and transparent (and preserving the title of my blog page), because i do NOT want to post this...ugh....


2006

The stench of death clouds my mind
I thought I could see but I've become so blind.
Darkness has overcome where there once was hope.
My vision is short, a narrow scope.
Crowning myself as king, I sealed my doom.
Endlessly writing, trapped in this room.

A small basement in my heart of stone
is where You found Your new home.
Your grace was screaming in the fading light
I tried to silence You with all my might.
My only Hope, I'd cast aside.
Was THIS the life for which You died?



See! super duper rhyme-y! super duper terrible! But i like it! I'm not proud of it, but I like it. I can feel it. You can't. But I can.

Now here's a picture of a panda with a gun to cheer you up


















Adorable.

one of those nights

It honestly was a great day. Why do I suddenly feels so sad and discouraged?

Maybe I care more than I thought I do. geeeeez. how can I not know myself after all this time? How can I not understand myself?

I feel like a stranger to my own heart. Hi, have we met? Because you are confusing and make no sense.

Sometimes it feels like there's no consistency within the heart. The things that don't matter, matter. And the things that matter, don't matter. It makes no sense.

can i punch myself in the face now please?




i need a slap in the face...how ironic!

I love days like this

when i time it just perfectly so that I'm stuck behind the school bus on my way home.

and I do NOT say that sarcastically!

I love watching all the little elementary kids run off the bus to their parents or to their apartments.

It's such a huge group of hugs that get off at the apartments, and I'm telling you, every single kid always has a huge smile and they're all running around and laughing.

I remember the joy of finally being done with the school day, but it's an even bigger thrill for me now to watch the look of joy on those kids' faces as they get off the bus and head home. It just makes me heart so flippin' happy to watch them kids.

And now I must head to my appointment at the Genius bar.
Pray that I remain patient and understanding in my frustration.

I just saw a commercial for Transformers

Ya know what was a reallllly fun day? well actually a really fun two days.

When we all drove down south for 4 hours while watching HIMYM the whole way. We stopped at the San Marcos outlet mall, bought stuff, got our hands washed with Dead Sea salt, then went to New Braunfels and floated down the river. We were late and had to walk our tubes back when we were done. After that we stopped at Wal-Mart and bought delicious un-health food. Then we drove through Panda Express and Sara spilled in my car. Haha! We got to the Ranch and we had the place to ourselves. We watched HIMYM and we all slept in sleeping bags in the living room.

Then next day we ate at the Sunrise for lunch, then stopped at the Dollar General and went over to the chamber of commerce to inquire about swimming at Choke Canyon. Instead, they pointed us to the public pool. We went back to the Ranch and played a couple rounds of wii Monopoly, then went to the pool. That was freakin' fun! We stopped for ice cream at Dairy Queen on the way back. We watched HIMYM for a while, then that evening we went to go see Transformers 2 at the Rialto down on the square. That was a really fun experience! Afterwards we had dinner at Dairy Queen, and then when we finally got back to the ranch, everyone else was there! yay.

Maybe it sounds lame. and maybe that's because you don't understand rural Texas and/or small towns. But those were seriously two of the most fun days of my life!

and we all lived happishly ever after. the end.

i didn't re-read or spell check this. forgive me.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who know a lot of theology and can have deep discussions of a theological nature.
Though I gotta say I'm less and less apt to fall for the lie that that's how we're all supposed to be.

I'm not saying it's not good to know a lot, because it is! I just think he's gifted different people with the skill to desire knowledge and to learn, retain and articulate well.

I'm impressed by those guys. But I realize that I don't have to BE them. My goal isn't

It's probably good that God didn't bless me with that gift because I KNOW that I'd have pride. Consciously or subconsciously, I would be proud of my knowledge. And that's dangerous because you can use knowledge as a weapon (or even as a defense) to beat people down and I certainly don't need that kinda temptation.

I probably need to understand theology better, and I have been working at that, but it doesn't come as easily for me. And I'm okay with that because God has blessed in other areas, and allowed me to know Him and experience Him in different ways. I think some people experience God intellectually and some people it's through circumstances or something else.
So i would say that we have a certain level of knowledge of God too, but it's not intellectual-type knowledge.

Like, I'll probably never be able to sit and have a conversation about dispensationalism, but I could excitedly talk for hours about what I've learned about God from my own walk with Him, the things He's taught me and revealed to me. I could talk about how I've experienced God, the things He's in me, through me, and around me. And I'm not sure how to explain it (cuz i'm 99% stupid) but my own walk with Christ feels like it's unique and different and so vibrant.

So maybe the way He speaks to my heart is through my life and things He allows me to feel, experience, and go through. I'm definitely a hard learner. And I don't think I'd be able to see God any other way than through experience.

And for the intellectuals, I think God speaks to their hearts through theology and knowledge.

I guess like we see God from a different angle. Not to say that the non-intellectuals and intellectuals can never see God from each other's angle, but I think we're inherently gifted to see God from a certain angle. It's the same God, same Truth, just different perspectives. And there obviously needs to be some cross-over. We both need to see from each other's angle. I just think we're gifted to naturally see and hear from Him in a certain way.

So I admire the theology buffs like Matt or a thousand other people I know, but I know that's not me.

Does that make ANY sense??

Ok all my dreams have come true!

My biggest dream was to walk up to Pastor Matt and just hug him.

And I did.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl!! I can't stop smiling! It feels like Christmas day inside my soul!

He humbles me. I want to be like him. I want to love Jesus like he does. I want to be a Godly husband and father, and he is a incredible example of what that looks like.
I don't many people that love Jesus like he does. And he doesn't just love Him, He really knows Him too. I want to pursue Jesus with such reckless abandon, not caring but knowing Him more. ahhhhh!!

So I talked to him a little bit and told him I've been praying for him. He said that these last two days have been insanely jam-packed, which I already knew from reading his twitter. (How bad is it that I creep on my own pastor? haha!!) I don't remember what else we talked about.

But the one thing I always wanted to ask, I totally forgot. It's completely menial, but I'm so curious if he knows Shawn Davis. oh wait, Creth are you reading this? do YOU have any idea? I know that Shawn used to run with the Shane & Caleb crowd and Matt ran around with Shane & Shane, and everyone on staff seems to know Caleb, so I just wondered if Matt and Shawn knew each other.

We talked to Bleeker too. He's so kind. so was Matt. Couldn't have been friendlier. Joel and Bleeker talked about Hillsong and Kari Jobe and leading worship and Joel's synagogue, etc. Joel told him that we should sing Savior King in church and Michael was like YEAH! that's a GREAT song!!

I can't really express how excited I am. To meet such a man of God is just kinda thrilling!
I guess it'd be akin to meeting Marky Mark. except WAY better!! and I'm pretty sure Matt doesn't have Marky Mark abs. But then again, who does?

I guess my next life goal will have to be to hug Mark Driscoll. and after that maybe Francis Chan. Then perhaps John Piper. or maybe I should move John Piper to the front of the line since he's getting old. naaaah, I think I'll keep them ranked in order of their impact on my life.

and yeah, I know they're just men. But these are heroes of the faith. These are the men that explain Scripture to me. These are the men that God has used to open my heart and completely change me. These are the messengers of His Grace.

And in regards to Matt, I know he's not The Village. I love Matt and I love my church. They're two separate things. I love our family, our community. I love our people. I get teary-eyed when I think about our community of Believers so desperate and passionate to know Jesus and to live lives that bring Him glory. I couldn't imagine a better place to wait with blessed hope for the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Lord willingly, this is my home for the next 50 or so years. I'm home. I love my home.


(view from the last row)

In the interest of full disclosure...

I had a dream about Miley last night.

It's not like i PLANNED it!! sheesh!

I dreamed I was something like an older brother to her, offering her advice and whatnot.
She found her boyfriend making out with some other girl in her closet and was heartbroken, and I was like, "yo, he wasn't a good guy anyway. He didn't have respect for you. I mean, come on, he was making out in YOUR closet! The guy was a skeez."
But dang was she sad! She went outside and cried. I walked outside, patted her on the back and said, "If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll assume you want to be alone for now. But I'll be inside if you want to talk, but I have to leave for work in an hour."

Also, I was good friends with her little brothers, who sure did look an awful lot like Brandon and Nathan Trippe. It was really kinda fun. they had a nice house. But i was reallllllly bummed because i didn't get to meet Billy Ray. bummer. sadness.

go ahead and be jealous.

Things in my head at this exact minute

I like visiting the hospital under certain circumstances. I like sitting in the room visiting someone. It's so clean and bright. Relaxing, even. It's kinda a magical place because it takes everything in your life and sheds the light of perspective on them. Nothing outside of those 4 walls really seems to matter all that much when you're in there. And you've got family and friends filtering in and out all the time.
It's just kinda nice...under the right circumstances. As in, nothing terribly serious.

Ironically, the new television show The Middle reminds me a lot of Malcom in the Middle. They both have the word "Middle" in the title, which is what makes it ironic.

Reviews of recent music:

Jet - Shaka Rock
Guitary and awesome. Better than Get Born because it's consistently rockilicious. The whole thing is great. It's like getting kicked in the teeth with a steel-toed boot. It makes me wanna go out and just, like, grow a really thick beard. ..or something.

Weezer - Raditude
It's better than the Red album. Maybe not as good as the Blue album. But their best stuff in years for sure...in my humble opinion. But if you disagree, it's okay if you wanna go ahead mock me. I don't mind!
It just makes me feel good. It's really melodic and catchy. It's like pouring smooth, velvety tomato soup in your ears. Makes you feel good inside. It kinda reminds me of Sugar Ray's latest album, Music for Cougars. Not that they sound alike, rather just because they're both fun and happy. I like happy music. There's enough Dashboard and Sufjan for the rest of the world to get depressed to. Give me the music that makes ya smile! Sometimes "shallow" music just hits the spot!

Switchfoot - Hello, Hurricane
I bet it's pretty good. I bought it and have kinda almost half-listened to it. I think it was probably good. It's Switchfoot! you know what you're getting. Good lyrics, a few catchy songs, and a few songs that'll take some getting used to before you decide they're genius.
It's kinda weird now, having heard what Jon can do on his own, to go back and hear him as part of Switchfoot again. It's so different. I listen to Foreman incessantly, day after day, so it's odd to hear him with the band again.

Relient K - Forget and Not Slow Down
So you remember how MmHmm was all super happy and optimistic? Exact opposite here.
Apparently that girl he was dating that inspired songs like "High of 75" and "My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend" ripped his freaking heart out because lyrically, this thing is a downer. Musically, I love the poo outta it!
And maybe i need to listen harder but I wasn't able to pull much from it spiritually, which is a disappointment.

In other reviews...
Miley- still making incredible, mind-blowing mind.
The new Kevin Hammond single is incredible. As is the latest Michael Buble.
Can't say I really care for Phil Wickham's single, Cielo. It's not BAD. It's just not...i don't know. It wasn't what I hoped it would be. It's not as insightful or musically exciting, in MY opinion. BUT, it is pretty catchy!
The new Robbie Seay single, Miracle? eh.
Maybe I'm a harsher critic of Christian music, or maybe I just expect more. I'm so fickle, cuz I'm sure if we sing this in church a couple times, I'll think it's the greatest song ever.
Speaking of, I wish we could freakin' download Bleaker's songs. I know you can listen to them on the website, but my gosh, that one song is my favorite song ever and i need to be able to listen to it when i can openly cry. ya know, like a baby.

I'm procrastinating. that's why I'm blogging. Avoiding homework. blah.
I've lost 3% body fat in the last month or so. Kinda proud of that. Been doing a lot of cardio at work and eating healthy. ish.

Mark Driscoll is going to be on loveline with Dr. Drew next year. I hope he's able to post that to the Mars Hill site, cuz that is sure to be killer radio. I can't even imagine! I love that man.

ok good. There ya go. Nothing insightful or real, just fluff stuff. please do enjoy.

Maturity

In relation to my deleted blog yesterday,

I think it's just a maturity thing.

If your goal is to glorify Christ, you have to be aware of other people.
If a consequential goal is to serve people, you gotta be self-aware.
You have to be self-aware in order to die to yourself. It's the only way.

A lot of that is simply a result of the sanctification and maturation process.


...is this post better? haha!