i hate titles. it forces you to think. i refuse.

i need to write but the words won't fall out of my head. i don't even know what the words are. my head is full, my heart is full, and i can't do anything about it. there's no release.

i'm just tired of this world.

ya know? one of those days where all the darkness of the world weighs on you.

This is not the world the way it was intended to be. Every one misses out on life the way it was intended to be, even Christians. some times i feel alone in how i see the world. and it's just completely overwhelming and.....geeeeeez. i can't put everything into words.

and i hate not having a plan and not knowing the future and not knowing what path is the right path and what decision is right and what...yada yada yada. nevermind. i'm burned out.

Fraiser is on. that makes me happy. this tv is ridiculously huge.

i need even less tv in my life. but a little Fraiser never hurt anyone.

It's midnight in LA.

I supposed I should be sleeping. But really sleep isn't that great.

um. I'm ready to go home and write.

talking to Sara online.

I really really really can't wait to get home and work out. I want to kill my abs like they's never been killed before. I want to spend so much more time in the gym! I can't wait it kick my body's butt!

I cried watching the polar bear swim around. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. no lie. I was overwhelmed by God's kindness to us. We don't deserve that. why should disgusting thing like people get to share in the glory of God like that? awe inspiring. seriously.
The creativity that goes into all the different species, the intricate details, it's like art. Watching the baby leopard play is like standing in front of a really beautiful piece of art. and the stupid animals make me cry, because through them I feel God's love.

i'm crier now. cryer? have been for the last year or so. not sure what changed me, except God. i cry at everything now and it's wonderful! I love that depth of emotion, that depth of feeling. I love being to overwhelmed by His goodness that that's the only way I can express myself. I used to go years between tears. Haha....now I'm lucky if it's days! I'm not talking like bawling (although there's this one song that always reduces me to that), it's more like my eyes well up and one or two little tears spill over.

I'm a nosy person. I wish I was nosy because I care about people so much and want to know how to pray for them. But really I'm just nosy because I'm nosy.

I like sarcasm. Too much, I think. It's too much of a defense mechinism. It can make you sound arrogant. and it's too easy. It doesn't make you think of a good retort. But mostly I don't like it because most of the time I don't feel the love of Christ in it. I think there's probably a way to be loving and sarcastic, but I'm not talented with that combination. So I need less sarcasm and more love. Less negative, more positive. ya dig?

I want a motorcycle. i just do.

I feel the weight of "owning" things. we don't own things. none of this is ours and none of this is permanent. I feel convicted. I don't want stuff.

I just used dictionary.com to figure out how to spell "Permanent". It's sad that I couldn't spell that. geez. I love English and I value words. It's important to me to spell things correctly, though I'm sure my grammar is atrocious.

Nothing makes me as frustrated as when people aren't just honest with me. I'm not retarded, I can tell you aren't been completely truthful and it just makes it worse to try and pass it off as the truth.
I don't know which is more frustrating, when someone tells you something that you know is mostly likely not true at all, or when there are things simply left unsaid for sake of not hurting someone's feelings. Like, it's fine if you want to treat me bad or ignore me or whatever, but just be honest and tell me what's up! Some times people need to have their feelings hurt. Some times people won't have their feelings hurt by what you think will hurt them. We spend so much time trying to protect others based on what WE think is best for them. All I know is that I wish everyone was honest and would TELL you when they have a problem with you. The worst thing is to be left wondering what you did wrong. How do you ever grow is people dont bring their complaints directly to you? Be honest, hurt some feelings! It's ok!

It's weird when you have someone in the middle of your mind. We really should have a term for that. It's like you aren't consciously thinking about them, and they aren't in the back of your mind. They aren't just that tiny lingering afterthought. They're a little closer to the front. Like, if you stopped whatever you were doing and just paused, they'd move to the front of your mind and you'd find yourself consciously thinking about them. I'm sure you know what I mean, so why is there no term for having someone in the middle of your mind?

It sucks to hurt when you don't really know why. Especially when you're a dude.

If I didn't need to have a job ever again or I knew what my job would be forever and ever, I would strongly consider getting full sleeves. or at least one. hmm.

I have very, very strong protector instincts. I want to protect the people I love in every possible way. I'm sure that would get annoying if I acted on my every urge to protect. I'm going to be a freakin' mess if I ever have girls. oh man. shoot me.

I've historically been a very jealous person. You ALL know that. But I've seen God make INCREDIBLE changes in that area! I'm very grateful.

My daily goals lately have been that I want to live a thankful life and a humble life. I want to accept the wreck that I am, so that I may see the brillience and beauty of His grace and love, and fall completely on that and in turn, live a life of gratitude for all I've been given. Because I deserve NOTHING. I feel like i can never grasp that deeply enough.

Best thing about the west coast: the weather or In-n-out?

It's 1am in LA.

does good mean BIG? or what?

I feel like a dramatic teenager whenever I say i'm not doing well or had a miserable day....but honestly, I had a miserable day. miserable. i'm blowing off my test for class and going to bed because i'm sick of this day.

The bright spot:
I brought my shirt up to the counter at Pac Sun. The lady walked over, didn't say a word to me, scanned my shirt, punched some buttons on the register and told me my total. That's all she said me the whole time, just the total. I gave her cash, she gave me change. I thanked her.
Then she said, "By the way, that shirt makes your biceps looks good" I had no idea what she was talking about and said, "what? this shirt that i'm wearing??" she said, "Yeah, it looks really good with the stripe there, makes your biceps look good!" I was awkward and said something like "Oh wow! thank you! i really appreciate that!" blah. i don't handle compliments well. but honestly, that made my day.

Note to the elderly and vain:

At the gym, I'd rather smell sweat than cologne and perfume. I appreciate that you think I care what you smell like, but I only care in so much that it doesn't make me nauseous and fall off the treadmill. It's ok to smell like the rest of us. It's the smell of hard work.

Thank you for this attention to this matter.

The fat lady has sung

I've moved past most of the bitterness and anger. That's resolved.

But I still everything I do and say is wrong. I feel like I'm judged for every move I make, every word I say, every picture I take, every feeling I do or don't have, and on and on and on.

And that's absolutely true to some extent. There are people judging no matter what I do. Even the good I do is twisted into something evil.

I feel like I used to be a fun person. But now I'm aware of every move I make and have to consider how everything I do will be perceived and how it will be used against me. I feel like I can't be myself. I'm so guarded. it's completely ridiculous.

I had that mindset ingrained into me over the last several years, and to some extent I'm free from that. But there are still so many voices calling me a liar, doubting every thing I do, condemning me for doing what I think is the right and loving thing to do. (I swear I'm not even being dramatic here!)

And quite honestly, I don't CARE what people think, what they say doesn't "hurt my feelings", and I don't live my life to shape people's opinions of me. But I'm still weighed down by the constant message that nothing I do is good, everything about me is bad. It just wears on you. It gets into your head. As much as I feel like I'm free from caring what people think, my freedom is still being stolen because that pervasive message somehow finds a home in my head, whether I like it or not. I do start to feel like I suck and that I everything I do isn't good enough. I do start to feel like a bit of a failure. And i know that isn't true, but you hear that same message enough, it just gets ingrained in your thoughts.

And this is how God's faithfulness and goodness is so evident to me today. Last year, all of this hatred that's being directed towards me would have made me extremely angry and contributed to my bitterness. I would have wanted to fight back and be vindictive. But now, I find myself praying for those people, and not in a "GOD, SMITE THEM ALREADY!!" kind of way. I pray for their hearts, I pray for my own, that He would open my eyes and my heart to where I AM wrong.
I feel almost at peace about it. does that make sense? I feel like i can absorb the attacks without it getting me upset, yet their hateful message still affects me. You hear the same thing enough times, and it's gonna affect you and get into your head.

But I'm thankful to have such a wonderful, faithful Father, who is constantly growing me, changing me and maturing me. He has never left me alone, He's never given up, even though at times I feel like He should've.
It's been a ridiculous journey, but I can turn around, look back and see how far we've come. And something interesting, I feel like when I fall these days, I fall more gracefully. Not that my weak moments are a thing of beauty, but there's so much more grace for me now. I accept His Grace. I press on. I don't get hung-up on my failures. I don't let it keep from from His presence. I do get discouraged when I fail, but I'm encouraged by how I handle failure now. does that make ANY sense?

whew!! i had to get that out! I'm probably not as big a jerk as I just made myself out to be.
.....or maybe i am. i really have no idea! eh.


Here's a picture I've wanted to post for a long time, but havent because I didn't want to be insensitive or make light out of something so serious and prevalent. But I have a feeling no one has even read this far, but if you have, here's your reward. It makes me laugh pretty heartily.

But today we have today.

I will invent a time machine, so that i can go back and be born a girl in 1977. Then i will go to Hollywood and become a famous actress. I will meet Hugh Jackman while he's unfamous, convert him to Christ and marry him.

Those are my plans for the future.