Compelled

Yes. another post within an hour of the last. Cuz I've just been sitting here thinking.

(I wish this typing mechanism would auto-correct "i" into "I" like my phone does. I've grow quite fond of that!)

I have a quandary. I know people experience God differently. I know that we express joy differently.
My question is...If God gives allows us to really know Him, it overwhelms us and explodes our hearts with joy, but does that mean we should all express that joy outwardly the same way?
oooh...um...let me see if i can make that make sense.
I'm thinking of someone I know that's always talking about God, even every status post on facebook is about God. She's very perky and smiley and God-focused. And i thought, do I know God like she knows God? I honestly believe that I do, but if i do, wouldn't my love and joy be uncontainable like that? Is it possible to know God that deeply and not be that perky and always have His name on your lips? If it is possible, is it right?
I wonder because I honestly feel like I am walking deeply with Christ right now, and that I'm experiencing His joy daily! But if you hung out with me, that probably wouldn't be all I'd talk about. I might not even mention it! well, ok I probably would, but not constantly. You probably could tell that I have joy in my life, but I might not express it verbally. And I very rarely post anything about Christ or my love for Him in my status updates.
And the time in my life that I saw God MOST clearly, I was incorrigible and vocal and smilely, just like my facebook friend! So...when God gives you a glimpse of His breathtaking, life-altering beauty, should we all have that same reaction and always have His name on your lips? Can you see Him clearly and not vocalize it and be super persistant about it?
I'm older now than I was back then when I caught that glimpse of His glory. I keep at lot of my joy to myself and release in my doses. I walk so deeply with Christ, but I don't go around talking about Him constantly. Is that a paradox? Or is that just my personality? I know that I don't want to be cheesy and cliche and be all "Jordan is Jesus is my best friend!!" (Is that cynical? I know I struggle with cynicism, and God's melting that off of me too.) I don't want to sound all bumper-stickery, so I kinda don't talk about my relationship with Him unless it's relevant or I can have a real conversation about Him. i don't want to be like "Relationship Status: I'm in a relationship....with God!" Is it wrong for that to gag me and make me want to be nothing like that?
So is it wrong to not be overly expressive because you don't want to be cheestastic and trivialize it?
And what about this....I think I don't vocalize all the things I really want to about Him sometimes because I don't want to appear fake or proud. If people who knew me a year ago were to suddenly hang out with me and all I want to talk about is Christ and my walk with Him and what I'm learning, they're going to think that I'm just posturing to make myself look better and different. And so much of me refuses to be seen like that because I don't want to be seen like the people that praise God so loudly with their mouth and are either a.) annoying about it or b.) not really that passionate in their hearts. I don't want to be fake. I've SEEN fake, and it pushes me AWAY from Christ. It pushes me away from wanting to be Christ-like if that's what it looks like. A lot of the modern church talks big on Jesus, but I'm not sure I want to emulate a lot of what the modern church is.
So in the back of my mind, i think it's sometimes more effective to not express all the things i want to say so that I won't be seen as hypocritical. I don't want to be seen as an example of another person who is fake and hypocritcal like a lot the church nowadays. If you hear me talking about Jesus now, but saw the angry, self-centered person I was before and equate the two, it could push you away. You could think I'm fake like everyone else, that i haven't changed and am just trying to talk about God a lot in order to impress you.
And that's NOT me. i DON'T want to use God like that.
So I kinda go to the other side, and don't bring up Spiritual topics unnecessarily.
But at the same time, all i really do want to talk about is what Jesus is doing in and around me! But i don't want to be annoying about it. I don't want to shove it on anyone like we've had done to us throughout our lives by good-intentioned but annoying people. Should I care about that? I honestly just do not care what anything thinks of me anymore. I'm more concerned about being a stumbling block for someone else to know Him.
Do I want others to think that becoming a Christian means that all you can talk about is Jesus? He's all I WANT to talk about, but...
and look, i KNOW i don't have to SELL Jesus to anyone. that's not my job. I don't gotta sell ya on Jesus. But I also don't want to get in the way of you knowing Him. i know people from my past, that if they heard me talk passionately about Jesus, it would make them bitter! i know that's true, because it's TRUE! ugh.
And my personality is a little more laid-back and i want to show Christ to you. But is that just a cop-out? If my passion is true, should i be able to keep myself from proclaiming Him? Shouldn't true conversion and seeing Him clearly make our joy uncontainable? Or do we all really express it differently? Is it ok to keep that joy inside, and let it seep out slowly?

that's a LONG post....and i'm pretty sure it didn't make sense. so that sucks. um. ...sorry?