Rough Day

No lie, it's just been a really rough day for me internally.
I'll go write about it elsewhere after this.

Lately, God's been opening my eyes more and more each day to who I am in the deep places of my heart.
The thing He's been teaching me the most this week is how as much as I really don't care what people think about me...so much of my life is still shaped my people's opinion.

Specifically, how when I sin, I sin against God. He's the only One I'm accountable to. (and He says I'm forgiven and free!) Yet, sometimes that guilt lingers because I know what other people would think about my sins and weak areas. I fear how the dark parts of me would be viewed by those I love the most. I don't want the world to know when I'm having a weak day and have a short fuse and the anger is right there on the surface. Deep down, I really DO want to be viewed a certain way, at least by certain people. It's so lame. And it's such a dichotomy because so much of me really just DOESN'T care what anyone think. yet...there are still certain people that I want to perceive me a certain way. ya know? I want people to see my heart and see me the way I feel and not the stupid things about me.
I know that sounds shallow, but I had no idea that was my thoughts process. but it's there. it was affecting the way i though and i didn't even realize it. but it's there in my heart. i think we have no idea how much of our thoughts and actions really are people-centric.

It's one more constant reminder that it's me and God and no one else. No matter how deep my friendship, no matter closeness of my family, no matter how in love I am, it's me and God and no one else. and i KNOW that, yet in my mind, there are still parts of me that want to impress people or not disappoint other people. It can be tempting to live my live in a manner that would bring honor and joy to my future wife. and as noble as that sounds, it's just plain wrong thinking.

I honestly can't verbalize all things blowing apart my heart.
I have so much wrong thinking. maybe i should start drinking.
oh no! I've gotten stuck rhyming! i'm having an awful day, what horrible timing!
my heart needs so much changing, and my thoughts need rearranging.
i need more Jesus, that would be stellar. geez i'm sorry i'm such a poor speller!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHaahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i amuuuuse me!

The Wachster's survey

I can't resist the urge to mess with someone.
None of this reflects my actual opinions. just playing a character. it's called satire.
This is the third time i've taken Stephanie's survey for some class she's in.
i'll probably write a serious blog later. work is slow.
anyway...here are my survey answers i submitted a few minutes ago.

Intercultural Dating Survey

Gender: Female
Age: 19

22) What is your perception of intercultural couples dating?
i hate it when white kids try to act all hispanic and go around saying "hey what's up essay? que pasa mamacita?" BUT i love it when they date black chicks because they have the sexiest little babies. i hope to marry one of those sexy little babies some day.

22) What cultures do best together?
the really white mexicans go best with the white, normal people. mostly because their skin tones are very similar. and if you're a mexican and want to marry a white girl, its good if you have the same skin color, then the vatos don't try to kill 'yo ace for dating outside your race. Oh girl, you do not want to know how I know dat!

22) What cultures do poorly together?
those arrogant, ignorant Eskimos don't get along with nobody! they think they're the owner of the snow, gods of the winter and act like they rule over the arctic circle. they're so stupid. and i know you don't believe me but that's because you never met them. They're ego maniacal jerks. And surprisingly violent. I’m not racist or anything, I’m just telling you the truth because you asked! But most Eskimos do smell really clean because it’s so cold they never sweat.

also, people from Louisana, dem cajuns, they go together poorly with yankees. but they're both morons. because dem cajuns are just retarded french rejects and yankees don't even know how to speak the good english and their all pompous.

22) What do you think the top three problems that occur in intercultural dating are?
i'll tell you what the number one most annoying thing about this survey is! EVERY question is numbered 22!! wth?? Omg!! Lol!!! Bff!

the top three problems are:

1.) when mexicans and blacks make those sexy babies, the Asian street gangs always try to steal them. the asians are obsessed with sexy babies. i don't mean to stereotype. it's not ALL asians. just the bad ones with the squinty eyes.

2.) some cultures' odors dont mix well together. have you ever smelled the odor of an Indian guy mixed with the funk of a French woman? well obviously you haven't because you're still alive.

3.) i'd have to say that haircuts are something that makes these types of relationships difficult. i'm being serious. because black guys either like afros or shaved heads. But to a Canadian, those kind of haircuts are nasty. so if those two people love each other, that could create tension. Also, people from the South that are racist like to have shaved heads too and so do the blacks and I think that would be a problem if they fell in love. But usually that’s just the men. And men shouldn’t fall in love. but also, all asians have that weird poofy haircut and i think most other cultures would not get along very well with that kind of hair. you know what i mean?

22) Personally, what culture would you choose?
personally, i like a clean culture that bathes a lot and knows what hygiene is. i like someone who works out, dresses fancy, doesn’t steal things or hit animals for fun. OH! And also super sexy cultures! so i'd say probably most texans, people from upstate New Yorks, and all those royal ladies and lords people from the England.

so i would choose a guy from one of them cultures. except i don't know if royalty works out that much, and I like my guys to have pretty bottoms. and new yorkers talk like malfunctioning robots, so i guess i'd pick Texans if i had to choose just one. dey look sexy in boots too, so thats a plus!

22) Are you involved in an interracial couple?
i don't know if this counts, but…. I once dated a guy from Australia, but he was born in America and so was all of his family. and I'm a white, and he was white so i don't know if that counts. but yeah, it didn't work out. he did everything on Australia time, so he'd go to bed when i was waking up and be swimming during winter time. weird stuff like that. he never quite got Australia out of his blood. I broke up with him when his wombat killed my cat. but Australia the movie was good. you should see it.

Apparently my cat has night terrors

....cuz i fell asleep with my arm around him and i woke up to find my hand looking like this:






















It's fun to wake up with your hand dripping with blood! It's kinda like Christmas! ...in hell.

.

Royale with cheese

Sometimes I have a hard time praising God simply for who he IS.
I don't want to just praise Him for who He is because of how His qualities and character relate to me.
But it's hard not to do that.

I can praise Him because He's omnipotent...because He knows my future.
I can praise Him because He is gracious....because He extends it to me constantly.
I can praise Him because He is powerful....because I've seen Him do incredible things.
I can praise Him because He is omnipresent....because I talk to Him everywhere.

Am I SO self-centered that I can't even worship the Lord without relating it back to me? Or is that just how the finite mind works? Do we need that reference point to help us understand?

When i think about who He is, I think about what He's done for me. I think about how His qualities have affected my life.

But i want to have praise in my heart for who He is regardless of if I feel like I've seen the effect of those qualities in my own life. I want my heart to be stirred for Him simply because He is worthy, not because of how I've seen or felt Him.

It can be hard to praise Him for being beautiful without thinking about how I've seen His beauty displayed.
I want my heart to be captivated by His character. I want to be blinded with His beauty and all the things that He is, without thought for myself.

That's easy when it's another person. I can enjoy someone simply for who they are. Regardless of whether we're even friends or how it affects me, it's easy to see the qualities I like and praise them for just being who they are, who God made them to be.

But at times, it's really tough for me to just be in awe of His character without relating it back to me. It's not always like that. but it has been lately. Sometimes I am completely captivated by the sheer magnificence of His beauty and righteousness. But so often i feel like my worship and praise is self-centered and I find I'm thanking Him for what He's done in my life rather than just praising His character.

Does that make ANY sense? any thoughts on this?

i know i need to get back into some Piper desperately....


(and sorry for ending pretty much every sentence with a preposition. yes, I annoy even myself with that.)

Terms of Endearment

...are mostly uncreative and just...gross.

I think I'll most likely refer to my wife as "boo"
That's perfect because it's not mushy, yet it's ridiculously romantic-sounding, it kinda sounds like "poo" which makes ya giggle to yourself, AND it's terribly ghetto, so it fits my gang-bangin' lifestyle.

I will NOT be referring to my wife as "honey", "dear", "love" or "honeybuns" (Honeybuns is over-the-top, but not quite cheesy enough)

no.
I will choose my pet-names more carefully.
I'm considering "cupcake" because it's over-the-top cheesy and cupcakes are delicious and covered in frosting....as will my wife be.

I also enjoy the names that are more embarrassing to yell across a crowded room, which is why i'm also considering "Squeeky Cheeks", "Lover Lady" and "Butter Bum".
The last is only a consideration if I marry someone with a healthy self-esteem.

Seinfeld kinda killed "Schmoopy" or that would've been a good one.
But maybe i'll come up with pet-names like that, that aren't even real words, and more of a conglomeration of animals noises.
Something like "Meowmoo". That would be original.
Much more my style. Plus, that's just a sexy word, let's face it.

And ya know, i already call pretty much everyone "dear" and "honey". guys included.
i think it's hilarious. it's very southern.
but even more, it's very old man.
...which I hope to be. sooner rather than later.

OH! and i also can't wait to get my wife pregnant so I can go around telling everyone that I knocked up a chick.
we'll probably send out announcements telling everyone that I have impregnated my lover.
That makes me sound very powerful, and that would be flattering for my wife to have married such a potent, powerful man.