Soul coughing

Oh my word. My soul has been so squirmy this weekend!
So much wrestling with God over the state of my heart and my true intentions and motivations for Him.
I keep thinking of the line in "Hold me Jesus" that says
"It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart."

That is exactly what it feels like. It aches and it yearns. It wants more.
I can't describe it. It's a good place, but it's a hard place, a confusing place.

Is this what brokenness looks like? I think He's breaking me. I like it. but it can be quite uncomfortable.

Searching for answers, but getting silence.
It's just been a weekend of really pressing into God and just being alone with Him.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Like, the only thing I want is Him. yet i want other things too. and maybe that's not bad.
But how much am I supposed to desire other things?
I want all I want to be Him and Him alone.
I want to crave Him.
But I still desire other things. Not to take His place or anything.
I desire good things, but do I desire them too much?
Have I taken something beautiful and made it central?

Aw heck, I don't know!
But I did see Him answer some of my most fervent prayers in the most beautiful way today. mmmm.
and it's just...for the last 6 months or so, I cry at everything! not even kidding. It's not a bad thing, it's a really wonderful thing. I'm just not historically a crier and i don't know what's happening to me! It's not like flat-out bawling or anything. But it's the simple things, a song, a lyric, a commercial on tv, etc. Anything that reveals His beauty or His love for us. oh mercy, I was on the verge of tears for the first 30 minutes of Cinema Paradiso last week because it touched me so much. I don't know what I'm really saying...He's softening my heart. He's convicting me. I think i overwhelm myself with all the ways I want to change so i can know Him better. But i can't learn everything i once, i can't spend all my time alone in prayer. It's like, He'll give me a brief glimpse of Him and that'll be all I want and I'll get frustrated when I don't get enough time to just be with Him.

ugh. i'm tired of trying to explain.

lame.
fail.
I'm out.

So that's been my weekend. Frustrating. but wonderful.

Happy V-day from my little black heart

If you're the praying type, I'd sure love to receive some prayer.
I have a feeling this is a wrestle-with-God and clean-out-the-wicked-little-heart night.

At least, I hope it is.
Cuz I need it.

I need to examine the motivations of my heart.
I need to God to expose me to my own depravity, which means that I need to beg Him to give me a glimpse of His glory.
His beauty is what illuminates my sin.
I need that. I walk in blindness to my own humanity, my own sin.

I need to think about how I'm doing and what I'm doing in regards to my part in the sanctification process.
Where is my focus?
Where is my heart?
Are my motivations birthed out of a desire to bring Him praise and make His name known?
Or do I at times play religion games?
Do I desire Godliness for His glory and my sanctification
or do I desire it because I am pious and want to impress people?

I want my worship to be pure.
I don't want to be content with where I am, even though I really am in a really beautiful place right now.

I want to press into God. I want to hear His heartbeat. I want to know how to serve and love everyone I encounter. and I know that only comes from walking deeply with Him and finding my joy in Him.
I want to know how to minister to the post office workers, the desk lady at the gym, and all the random people I encounter. I see them as souls, I feel the need to love and serve them, but how?

(here's a picture of a monkey that looks like a demon so that you don't get bored with all this heart vomit.)

I have a hard time living in this world without being radical. Yet i don't know how to be radical!
It's so hard to be a consumer. It's so frustrating to live in such a hollow place, surrounded by zombies that find their joy in the things they buy, the people they love, the things they do.
I can understand that for the people that don't know Him.
But how can you know Him and be content living the simple American life?
How can you derive joy from anything without Him as the source?
That has to be the hardest kind of life.
To be so happy that you don't need more.
To be satisfied with living the dream of getting married, having kids, living in the suburbs, going to church, going on mission trips.
That's good stuff, but man, our lives aren't ours.
It's all for Him. It's all about Him. Even His blessings to us are about Him, for HIS glory!
But we've made it all about us. Even the church.
It's all His and we're wasting it all on ourselves as if it belongs to us.
As if our lives were our own, as if our wives and kids belong to US.
It makes my soul want to vomit.

It depresses me to be surrounded by a dying world.
and even more depressing not to know MY role and where I begin.
How do I-I push back against the darkness?

and I think I need to start with the darkness in my own heart.
But this whole taking life easy thing is not cool.
This whole making ourselves happy thing is crushing.
We're here briefly and we're here with a purpose.
If our lives terminate on themselves, we've missed the point.
And i know that's all very obvious but sometimes it weighs me down.
Especially when I see symptoms creeping into my own life.
I'm not sure i ever want to be comfortable in this life.

and also, why are some guys obsessed with butts? dude, that's a poop factory, why are you licking your lips when you're looking at that??
Do you think God intended us to be attracted to butts? i seriously don't get it. if you like butts so much, buy a mirror.
Do you think it's part of the depravity of man that we've taken that and turned it into a sexual object? Or is there God's design in people's attractions to butts?
Perhaps it's simply a cultural thing. But is it sinful? Is it a perversion of God's design in our attraction for one another? That's the exit for the nastiest of human nasties. so what's the deal? cuz i don't get it!

Love left a window in the Skies

I was praying this morning and this song popped into my head.
And I guess isn't surprising since it's the most played song on my itunes (or maybe it's second to U2's "Yahweh")

Oh can't you see what love has done to every broken heart?

This is my favorite U2 song, and definitely my favorite music video ever.

I don't know if Bono intended it to be about Jesus, but I have a
suspicion that he did. He doesn't seem to do many things without purpose.
He has a gift for weaving God throughout his art like no one I've ever seen.
I'm sure you doubt or think I'm retarded.
But in fact, God has used Bono to play a very instrumental role in breaking down my heart.

And for me this is a breathtaking love song to God, and the video, a tribute to His love for us.

I first saw this video in church several months ago.
I think it's beautiful. It blows my heart up big time.


I couldn't embed it because it was disabled, so i'm just going to implore you to click the link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQAdB9KAhdI


"the rule has been disproved
the stone it has been moved
the grain is now a groove
all debts are removed"


and yeah, I realize that lately my blog has mostly just been about things that have stirred my heart for Christ. and i'd apologize for that except I'm not sorry. so you can deal with it.
I have to have an outlet to express my joy. so kiss my butt.

Cinema Paradiso

I just finished watching "Cinema Paradiso" for the first time. yeah, the first time. i know, i know. Late to the party. what's new?
Not really sure how I got a film class without seeing it, but somehow I did.

That might be the best movie I've ever seen.
In fact I'm pretty sure it is.
That film moved me. Like, really moved me.
For me, every moment was like that joy in my heart when Christmas is near. It was the joy of experiencing something so exquisite mixed the revelry of expecting something wonderful as well.
And when it was over, I feel like someone had watered my soul because it was full and blooming.

(and I know that's a cheesy analogy, but that's the only way I can describe it.)

I can't even explain all the reasons I loved it so much. But it made me love God more. It stirred my affections for Him.

It's a film that accurately describes why I love movies. (and music and the arts for that matter) To see the passion people had for movies, because the movies made them feel.
It made them laugh, it made them cry, it made them angry.
And this is such a beautiful depiction of the gifts that God gives. That's what overwhelmed me the most, seeing God's goodness, seeing God's good gifts displayed so brightly.

I'm always moved by people with passion because I know that's a gift and that's a reflection of God Himself. He is passionate. and we are made in His image.

I'm always moved by people who pursue the dreams God gives them and people who actually use the skills and talents He's given them. Even if it's mundane things like running a projector.

I'm always moved when I stop and see and contemplate where we've come from and how we've changed as a people, and how each of us changes personally.

It was so real. So human. So full.

I loved it. You might not. and that's cool. That's the blessing of how we're all made different. Different things stir different people's hearts. But this stirred mine, and i just had to share that.

...and the music was breathtaking and the cinematography was stunning.

and that's the Cliff Notes version of why I liked this movie!

Even If It Kills Me

Ugh.
It's been a long, long time since I've been this stressed out.
I way over-committed myself. I can't do everything.
But I'm trying.

If I could make music, I would make music that feel like places.
Songs that when you heard them, you'd feel like you were in Albuquerque or Louisville or Denver.
Not because of the lyrics, and not because of the genre of music,
but because the music just feels like those places.
Even if you've never been there.

That's the beauty of music. That's the power of music.
Even just a melody can have you exploring places you've never been.

Does that happen to anyone else? Do you ever hear a song and feel like you're in San Diego or Lubbock or Rome? That happens to me at random moments. Music takes me places, even if it wasn't intended to. So if I could make music, command an orchestra or front a band,
I'd make music that took people places.
I love music and could write about it for hours if I'm not careful, but this is just one tiny aspect of the puissance and majesty of music that captivates me.


I've never understood why people would want to eat
Chik-fil-a for breakfast. Chicken doesn't make the best
breakfast food. I mean, it's not bad but it doesn't seem
like a very light & happy breakfast.
It's the black sheep of breakfast.
There's not enough fluffiness for it to be an ideal breakfast.