Welcome back!

It's been so long, it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to start a new post! It's been a long time since I worked in IT, and in the intervening years, my grasp of technology has slipped. I rarely even use a laptop anymore...or even a computer.
Welcome back! To me, to you, to friends old and new! Since my last blog was about my amazing new Aggie shoes, and those shoes have long since been discarded, I figured it was time for something new. I do wish Adidas still made those sweet shoes though. Man. They really were blog worthy!
       My life is going through a sweeping array of changes all at once. Good changes? Bad changes? That remains to be seen. I've never done well with change, or at least I've never embraced it like I should. This period in my life would normally be causing anxiety and panic, but instead, I just have peace. I'm calm. I'm not worried. I don't know what's going to happen in any of these transitions. I don't know where any of them lead me. I just know that He is good and He loves me. My heart finds rest and comfort in His leading. I could end up single and homeless for the rest of my life, but I know He has a plan and He's going to use me where He leads me, and all I want is to know Him and for Him to use me. I'm not sure what else I have to say, I guess I just wanted to express my gratitiude for His pervasive peace. It's a blessing and a gift that I didn't realized I needed to be asking Him for, yet He still provided. So, thank You.
        I have extra time this morning, so I thought I would blog. I almost hope no one is reading this. I journal on the regular, but I haven't written anything public in years, besides my insipid tweets. Writing is necessary for me, almost like it's hardwired into my DNA. It's kinda the only way for me to be healthy. Or at least, I'm healthiest when I'm writing.
      I just felt thankful this morning and I want to cultivate a greater heart of gratitude, so I figured I'd just list or talk about things I'm thankful for. Most of these won't make sense to anyone, but that's ok. It stirs my heart to think on His blessing in my life. (Just excuse my juvenile writing, I'm no Judy Bloom.)

I'm thankful for when my AC works in my car.
I'm thankful for when my AC doesn't turn on, and I have to roll my windows down and the breeze blows through me. That warm wind is sometimes better than AC. I love when the wind blows smells through the car. There were a couple days last week when He blew me some of the most delicious smells. I can't even remember where I was or what they were, I just remember being so happy and thankful. Likewise, when I walked into church on sunday, I entered by the church offices, and a beautiful smell of long ago powerfully stirred my memory and I stopped in my tracks and smiled and tried to remember what it reminded me of and why it made me so happy. I'm still not sure. I know they recently got new carpet, so maybe it was a memory or doing real estate appraisals? I'm not sure, but it was awesome.
I'm thankful that He wakes me up at 4am every day without an alarm and that I get to spend the morning alone. I'm thankful for routine. I'm thankful that He's given me a good routine that breathes life into me every morning. I love being awake before everyone, I love being up before the sun. I love listening to the classical music station on Sirius while prepare all my food, I love listening to audiobooks and podcasts that teach me about The Bible or theology or how to love people better. I love seeing all the same faces at the gym every day. I don't know why that makes me so happy. It's a happy, silent little community of early-risers and hard workers. I hope that some day I run into one of them outside the gym. I love that it's dark when I go in the gym, and that the sun is blowing up the sky when I come out. I love being sweaty and exhausted and getting to come here, to the store, and quieting my heart and spending time with Him in the silence. I'm so thankful that He gives me so much time alone each more to be silent, organize my thoughts, and prepare my heart for the day. Mornings are my favorite!
I'm thankful for the time I went to the very last Five Iron Frenzy show in Denver. The band had meant so much to me, and it was an awesome road trip up there with Pepe to see them. It had recently snowed and it was a wonderland. The roads were scary as balls. I'm thankful for the memory of singing "Every New Day" with thousands of other fans, and singing Amazing Grace acapella with everyone, and then as it just started to snow outside, we all sang Silent Night. I'm thankful that it's recorded on the album so I can relive it. I was crying like a little baby that night. I'm thankful that I had gotten separated from Jared. I'm thankful that I got to see Nick and Rebecca at that concert too! How cool is that? I'm really thankful for "Every New Day". I'm thankful for "Freedom means love without condition, without a beginning or an end. Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours, Only You can make every new day seem so new." I want to get some kind of tattoo around this song. This song has ministered to me for SO many years.
   I'm thankful that the Lord has let me Shepard His store for so many years now.
I'm thankful for Lily and her life and energy and what an inspiration she is to me.
   I'm thankful for the nights when I can fall asleep with the sound of Eric Nadel calling the Ranger game softly from the phone under my pillow.
 I'm thankful for that insane thunderstorm last night! That was AWESOME! I mean, in the real literal sense of that word. That thunder was ballin' off the chain! That was incredible! Although, I would've enjoyed it so much more if I hadn't had to keep running out into the rain to turn my car alarm off.
I'm thankful for the happiness and excitement of picking out a new book to read or listen to! I get so excited that I want to get through books FAST so I can get to the next one, and the next one, and the next, because they all look so good and interesting!
   I'm so thankful for silence and time to myself. I may keep repeating that one, because it blows up my heart with gratitude.
 I'm thankful for old movies and their romance and innocence and simplicity.
 I'm thankful for compressed air (yes I'm looking around the room now) because it's really fun to play with, and a super helpful tool. Also, how do they even get the air in the can??
 I'm thankful that this world isn't everything and that I don't have to hang my hopes and dreams on this world. It allows for more freedom and joy. My life has never followed a traditional path at all, so I'm sure extra thankful that my hope is in Him and in eternity and not in chasing this ole stuff here.
I'm thankful for old, thin t-shirts that are soft as butter.
I'm thankful for the joy of showering someone in gifts.
I'm thankful for all the different variety of smelly hand sanitizers! I guess the sense of smell is my favorite sense. That seems crazy because it's the least practical, but perhaps the most joyous. Like, doesn't your heart just unfurl and blossom when you smell certain things?
I'm thankful that Ty facetimes me so often. I'm thankful for the relationship He's given us. I could never express how much I love that little boy. I tear up thinking about him.
    I'm thankful for the 7:15 service and how sparse and intimate it is. It's like a little family reunion each week.
I'm thankful for the feeling of putting my warm foot in my cool shoe each morning and lacing it up.
I'm so thankful that Robert comes to church with us every week now. That makes my heart feel warm and happy, even though I'm usually exhausted by that point in the day. (9pm can be pretty late when you get up at 4am)
I'm so thankful for the way He's guided me and guided this store and shown us how to run this thing, how to grow this thing, how to be a blessing to my employees and community. He's taught us gently every step of the way. I didn't realize how entirely ignorant I was when we opened this place, but He has been kind.
        I'm thankful for how much the guys in Switchfoot love the Lord and how solid their theology is. Seems like every week, I learn something new that reminds me of an old Switchfoot song. I haven't listened to any of their new albums for the past 5 years or so, but maybe I should.
I'm thankful for the happy rush I used to feel whenever I'd go into CD Warehouse or CD Source and pick out and sample new music.
       I'm thankful for that day at The Living Vine out in Irving, when, for some reason, I put MxPx's Teenage Politics cassette into the tape player and hit play. It was like fireworks in my brain, I had never heard anything so fun and melodic! That was the first time I'd heard punk rock. I began to move further away from Michael W Smith, and closer to MxPx, Plankeye, Audio Adrenaline, and other Christian rock. The same thing happened when I first heard the Supertones and experienced ska. It was music that I was SO happy about, I literally wanted to hug it and crawl inside it! I'm also thankful for the Supertones, because the older I get, the more I realize how fantastic their theology and lyrics really were.
      I'm so thankful that He led me to The Village so long ago. I miss those Saturday nights driving up to Highland Village by myself. I love that tiny church building and the intimacy it fostered. I'm thankful for "Rhythms" and how that sermon changed my life. I wish it was still available. I must've listened to it 12 times, but you can't find it on the church site anymore. I'm grateful for the sermon Matt preached around Christmas time one year about shadows. That changed me too.
I'm thankful for the long, slow, scenic route to maturity that He's taken me on. I'm stubborn, strong-willed kid, and I'm thankful for His kindness and Grace in dragging me into Godliness.
       I'm thankful for Texas and that I was born here and that I get to live here. Texas is more than enough for me. I love incredibly diverse it is, and how you could spend years exploring it and never see it all. I love that Texas feels like mine, like a close friend. It's a close friend that I want to keep getting to know better, as each aspect of it's diversity is so marvelous!
     I'm thankful for USDA Prime steak cooked Medium or medium-rare.
   I'm thankful for the feeling of laying down in bed after a long day of working as hard as I possibly can. All the tension and stress and sweat of the day is gone and I can melt into nothingness. My whole body finally relaxes, as if to sigh and thank me for letting it rest.
   I'm thankful for when my phone autocorrects to something insane that I'd forgotten that I'd programmed in years ago.
 
ok bye.

My Adidas

I've owned my current shoes for only about 3 months. You've never seen a thinner sole. They're super beat up. Granted, they were a low quality shoe to begin with. But with as much as I'm on my feet, it just doesn't work. My feet ache so bad at the end of the day. Last week I had a shard of glass poking through the sole of my shoe, ripping a hole in my sock and cutting my foot.

I've ordered new Adidas shoes. I did research and read all the reviews. They're supposed to be the best running shoes in existence. I can't WAIT to finally get them! They should be here in another 4-5 weeks. I customized them so they're Aggie shoes. Black & White with some Maroon and an aTm tag on the laces. 

I love Adidas. I wore Adidas Sambas from junior high throughout high school. I love the simple black and white, white with black stripes, the ones I like wear when I rock the mic. 

I can't wait for them to come. Apparently I have a pretty gnarly heel strike. I hope it's ok that I wear them all day and not just for running. I've never paid this much for shoes before. It's a weird feeling. But I'm excited! "Me and my Adidas do the illest things, we like to stomp out pimps with diamond rings. We slay all suckers who perpetrate, and lay down law from state to state. We travel on the gravel, dirt road or street. I wear my Adidas when I rock the beat."

Heart Still Beats

The thought it comes to my mind, to somehow intervene
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away 

Oh God, we need You here. 
We're sinking fast and we don't care
The evidence is all around me, on both sides of my door.
Our hearts beat. 

Mr. Chin

Today has gone shockingly better than expected. I immediately want to take back that sentence because I think I way oversold that. What I meant to say is, Today's been reasonably better than I would have thought.

I was up late (for me) last night (10pm) packing up 60+ ebay items, and I had a storage auction at 8:30 this morning, so I planned to just sleep in and skip the gym. But when I woke up this morning, I saw that the auction was moved to tomorrow! That in itself was a blessing because today is full. (I have a Dr. appointment, a trip to the post office, a meeting with an accountant about the store, more ebay packaging & of course, work.) So having one less thing to squeeze in was a blessing!
 So I decided to go to the gym after all.

Mr. Chin (I call him that in my head because he has a crazy chin) came up to me while I was working out and said, "Hey, I just wanted to say I see you in here every day, and I noticed you've really made some huge improvements! Is is just the dedication and keeping a log of your workouts or is it your diet or what is it?"
I laughed and said it certainly isn't the diet, that if anything, I need to do more cardio.
 He said that he sees me all the time and it must be my dedication. I told him that I was in the gym probably 6 days a week, but I dont think I'm making any gains, if anything I'm just maintaining.
 Then we talked about how it's pretty much impossible for us to see progress because we see ourselves every day and can't tell any change at all. He says that his wife (yeah this guy is straight! finally!) has to tell him that he's making gains because he can't tell either. He said that we have to hear it from other people, so he just wanted to come over and tell me that he definitely sees progress in me!

I know I don't see progress, and I don't think I've made the gains he's claiming he sees. I think it mighta just been the shirt I was wearing (We Bleed Maroon. Whoop!)  But it was still an encouraging moment for me. A blessing.
I love Mr. Chin, and I do see him in there every morning. He's the kinda guy I'd like to be someday, if i ever get to be that old. Mid 40's. (oh and he also told me that I'm still just a kid, which was also nice to hear!) He's always talking to people. He knows everyone.
He's talked to me one other time before, when we were laughing about my tuxedo tshirt, but I've always secretly wished he'd be my friend.
I know that Dave Penny has a rep for being "the mayor of the gym" (but not on Foursquare, cuz that's me!) but Mr. Chin definitely has him beat! Friendliest guy ever. I wish I were that bold and friendly.
But I think as Christians we should just absorb and engage everyone around us, and that's what Mr. Chin does. He's always been a good encouragement and example of what we as Christians should look like in the world, people magnets. I doubt he's a Believer, but he's different. He's how I strive to be.  So when I went to the post office afterward, I talked to Janet (my favorite postal worker) the entire time and engaged her as much as possible.

I know I don't share many personal stories with you, but that just made my day and encouraged the snot outta me, so I wanted to tell ya.

Maybe someday

Maybe someday I'll finally get some more piercings. Some people love tattoos, I kinda love piercings. Nothing below the neck, cuz that's disgusting. what's wrong with you?
Since junior high I've wanted an eyebrow ring. I like the way they look. I know everyone else would completely disagree, but screw you, I like it! haha...I'm kidding! Don't screw you. Unless you're married. Then go ahead and knock yourself out!
But I think I'd also like a lip ring.
I want a lip ring on the right side of my lower lip and an eyebrow ring on the end of my left eyebrow. I'd have to finally figure out how to do my hair to match my piercings. I'd probably need longer hair, but I absolutely can't make that work.
I'm probably more likely to get rid of one of my piercing than to add more, but ya never know!
Maybe someday.

Also since junior high I've wanted to be in a band. Fine, a SKA band. Ya know, the kind of band that doesn't make any money anymore. But I'd be a really sucky musician because I would hate promoting myself. Humility and self promotion make my brain short-circuit. I know it's not wrong, I just can't make my brain reconcile the two. I see musician friends on facebook and twitter constantly talking about themselves and their music and how great it is. That's so not me. But I mean, good for you, musicians! You're good at doing at least 2 things that I can't do well!

I love being awake before the rest of the world. Makes me feel like I'm a king. Everyone's asleep, I'm awake, therefore I own the world. Sometimes I feel like Batman. I want to perch on the edge of a tall building and watch the city and make sure it's safe, sound and slumbering.
I don't understand how people spend their quiet time at any other time than the morning. It just doesn't make sense to me. The morning is when your soul is awake and hungry!

You always hope your affections come across as flattering and maybe even sweet, but it seems more often than not it gets perceived as creepy and unwanted. It doesn't matter how pure your intentions are, it's all in how it's perceived and received...and that's out of your control.

That being said, there's a reason Proverbs beat you over the head about being wise. You shouldn't always act from your heart. That bugger is deceitful.

Its ridiculous, with as incredibly self-aware as I am, I still have giant gaps where I'm oblivious to how things are perceived, which is something I've been thoroughly taught to be aware of.
I just wish other people understood and saw and felt where I'm coming from. But they can't. They can only see through their lens, which means YOU have to see through their lenses in order to make sure you're being understood.

That's all. I wasn't really going anywhere with this. Just thinking out loud. Sorry to confuse you all.

Stupid sexy winter

Winter is the worst season. It's so unnecessarily sexy. It's like having Valentines day 100+ days in a row. It's all snuggly, cuddly and romantic.
Don't get me wrong, I hate the cold just because it's cold. No one hates the cold more than me. Once that temperature drops under 60 degrees, I'm locked down and coated up for the next 4 months. It's miserable.
...but it's the kind of miserable you want to share with someone, unlike when it's hot.
It's pretty obvious to all us single folk that if you had someone to weather the weather with, it'd go from being the worst imaginable punishment to a world of absolute pleasure and romance.

So you have the unbearable, life-sucking cold and the constant in-your-face sexiness of winter. That's a double whammy of misery.

But now can I tell you something I love that's only half-way related to all of the aforementioned?

I love waking up at 5am, putting on my shorts and a t-shirt to go to the gym, and braving that 10-second walk to the car in ungodly temperatures. As much as I hate the cold, I weirdly savor that blast of painful, brutal cold first thing in the morning. It makes me mad, yet energizes me and gets me pumped to work out. I hate freezing my bottom off sitting on the ice-cold leather of my car. The drive to the gym is a mingling of pain, joy, and the will to survive. Everything in me is screaming that death is surely imminent, but my brain refuses to accept that and tells my heart to beat faster because we must persist!
I sing. Because the louder you sing, the warmers you get. Everyone knows that.
The wintery fingers of death begin to release their grip as warmth finally starts to spread through the car....which is about the time I pull into the gym parking lot and have to get right back out into the cold. But by the time I make it into the gym, I'm feeling pretty heroic for still being alive.
  
I love coming out of the gym and being blasted by that shock of cold air again. I always think there's no way it'll still feel cold to me with as sweaty and hot as I am, or if it's still cold, that it'll be refreshing and feel good. But no, when I step outside the gym doors, it's like God has decided that's a good time to teach me humility, and takes a swing at me with a blast of His coldest breath. Ah, I hate it! It's the greatest! 
I love the seeing the billows of smokey breath pouring out of my mouth after a hard work out. It makes me feel like a dragon. When it's drizzly like today, I imagine that each drop of rain sizzles and steams like an egg on a frying pan when it hits my skin. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel alive, it softens my heart with gratitude for such little joys.


I hate winter.

American Football

There shouldn't be fieldgoals. They need to change that. Fieldgoals are stupid. Everyone knows it. Quit being pansies and just go for it. It should be a rule that you HAVE to go for it. Wouldn't that be extra crazy exciting? Fieldgoals are just girly and weak. It's kinda like bunting in baseball. Except bunting can still be sexy. Fieldgoals are never sexy. They're like naps. They're just boring, dumb and lacking action.

Also, there shouldn't be extra points. You should have to go for 2 every time. That'd be the BEST! Thatd be so much fun!!

Furthermore, why don't the visiting team automatically get to CHOOSE whether they want to kick or receive? That seems more polite. "Hello, welcome to our home! Would you like to go first?" That's how we do it in baseball. We're gentlemen. Let the visitors go first. That also sends a message of confidence. It doesn't matter who goes first, because we're bout to put a whooping on you either way! But please, let's at least be polite about it.

Basketball needs to get rid of the free throw as well. Instead, they should just let the offended player retaliate. Eye for an eye, elbow for an elbow.

And hockey....oh, hockey does everything right. It's just that no one cares because it's too much like figure skating. I guess maybe they could try it without the skates. But then there wouldn't be that element of danger of someone getting their face chopped off, so I guess you really DO need the skates.

I don't want to call myself a sport genius, but how has no one ever thought of this stuff before??

Muppets, Wal-Mart, and Dimples

I'm been meaning to blog every day for weeks.
Not that I actually have anything to say. I just wanted to get back in the swing of blogging.

I think of bits and pieces of things I'd like to say. I'll try to remember. It'll just be disjointed random thoughts. I promise not to reveal too much about myself, as is the goal. I don't want people to think they know me through my blog, if that makes sense. But then again, I doubt you can write anything without revealing something about yourself. I'd just rather people make the effort to know me. I'm a quality timer. sue me.

I had a dream that I took a girl on a date to Wal-mart. It was magical. I think we were going to get manicures there or something. If I ever find a girl that considers Wal-mart a good date, I'm sticking a ring on that finger so fast it'll make your head spin.

I'm watching Leap Year again right now for probably the 6th time this month. yeah. I have a problem. A problem called I-love-awesome-movies.

I'd love to marry someone else with big dimples. Our kids would look like golf balls. Cute, adorable little golf ball-faced children. awwww! I want some.

Why is lust always at the top of the sin list? Every Bible study or group I've ever been in, that's the sin that's discussed and attacked with the most frequency. And I'm NOT saying that's bad. But there is other sin that's just as destructive. Like what about pride? That's way less easy to spot in your own life than lust. Yet it steals our joy like none other. In fact, isn't most sin just a result of pride, stealing our own joy in an attempt to be happy instead? sad.  Also, maybe instead of focusing on sin, we could focus on knowing Jesus deeper and deeper, because the more you know Him, the less appealing sin becomes. He increases, the sin decreases. But I guess I'm captain obvious.

People who don't have a tv and people who aren't on facebook sure do like to let you know it. I understand the necessity for less tv and social media, but don't let become a point of pride. I can see how it'd be an easy trap to become prideful or smug about that.

It's finally Chet Baker music weather. He's the sound of a mild winter. Warms my heart like a cup of musical hot chocolate.

One of the things I struggle with the most is knowing when to patiently wait on God and when to act. I want Him to guide, but I never want to use that as an excuse for not taking action. When is He teaching me patience and trust and when am I just being lazy or scared? I bet ya that's a common struggle amongst us feelers (as in INFJ).

Another of one of my most frustrating struggles is where the personality He's given me fits into the Kingdom. He made me the way I am for a reason, and it's difficult to understand why or how it fits. What do I do with this weird, funky, and oft-frustrating personality? What does my redeemed personality type look like? Hard to find concrete answers on stuff like that.

I saw a woman at work who was 6'6"!! It was awesome!!! I told Brian about her because I was so excited, and we went over and talked to her and asked her how tall she was. She said she's 5'11" but that had to be total bull. It had to be! My neck was at a complete 90-degree angle when looking up at her! For real, ya'll! It was amazing! ....and a billion times more interesting than this story was. sorry.

If I had the money, I'd get shoulder surgery. I don't know if I need it, but I bet I do. I bet I have bonespurs. I don't really know what those are, but I think I have them. It feels like what those sound like.

I don't like camping. Mostly because I always end up being sick for days afterward due to allergies. But also because I just kinda like being clean.

Any time anyone drinks wine, they post about it on facebook. I'm not sure anyone has ever had a glass of wine in their hand without having a facebook status pulled up with the other. The fact that you like wine actually doesn't make you classy and sophisticated.
Same goes to the college students who feel like adults because they drink.

I cried my eyes out during The Muppets. Yes, seriously. Never cried that much during a movie ever. and I have NO IDEA why. Before we left for the movies, I had been watching the DVD of the last Five Iron Frenzy concert that I went to in Denver, and at the end we sang worship songs and that got me all choked up. So maybe that popped the seals off my tearducts or something. But I teared up constantly for the first 30 minutes of the movie. I was just so happy, so glad the Muppets are back. Weird, isn't it? I watched a LOT of Muppets as a child and had all the music from the movies on cassette tape. It was just so joyous to see them back on the big screen as they should be. NOT like that Muppets in Space crap. I love that the movie was kinda based on reality as well. That was really cool. They nailed it. It was perfect. Bret Mackinze from Flight of the Conchords wrote the music, Jason Segel wrote the movie, and He & Amy Adams starred in it. How could you ask for more? Oh what? you wish Neil Patrick Harris and John Krasinski were in it? well guess what? THEY ARE! booooooya!

ok bye. I love you. yes, YOU.

Duets II

I'm really, really digging the new Tony Bennett Duets II album. That's my favorite kind of music! And of course, I'm a sucker for a good duet!

I'm a bit ashamed to say that my favorite track might be the one with Lady Gaga. I had no idea she could actually sing! It's both disappointing and refreshing. But they did a smashing cover of "The Lady is a Tramp", which is only marred by the mention of freaking Derek Jeter. ##%^@!!! JETER!!! why??? why did they have to do that?? vomit. But still, the best song on the album!

Bennett also covered a couple of my favorite songs, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" & "It Had to Be You", which have also, not-coincidentally, been covered by Harry Connick Jr in decades past. Of course, anything Harry does is transcendent, but both these covers are pretty admirable attempts! 

The Sheryl Crow song is melty and delicious. As are the Bocellli and Groban tracks.

"The Way You Look Tonight" might be my all-time favorite song. Top 5, for sure. Faith Hill's voice was gorgeous on this cover, but Tony's made me want to rip his throat out. So I won't be purchasing that one. 

My least favorite track is probably "Body and Soul" with Amy Winehouse. I know I'm supposed to love her and whatever, but she didn't sound right. It was too high-pitched & nasally for my taste, which is odd because usually she really did have a beautiful, classic jazz voice.

Likewise, the song with Aretha Franklin is yucky.

I couldn't find a way to tweet my enjoyment of this album, so I blogged it. Let's face it, my opinions are awesome and need to be shared with the world, so, you're welcome. 

God things

Here's a couple neato speedo God things from this week.

The past week and especially last weekend I was really missing Joel. I hadn't talked to him in 9 months. I was missing him super bad. Monday morning I spent some time praying about our friendship and if God would please intervene and make us friends again somehow. and BOOM! that afternoon he texted me and we hung out and we're back to being brothers! That was a huge blessing. Beyond huge, actually. I have so badly needed that easy, laid-back fun friendship. I've really been struggling with feeling like anyone cares at church. I don't fit in. I'm not normal. I'm not cool. Heck, someone told me again on Sunday night that I'm weird. Yes, i am. I don't deny that. I don't even mind being weird. I just hate that it gets in the way of being accepted and being known and having real community. But whatever. Having Joel in my life is encouraging, and it may give me enough energy to keep trying with people at church even though I constantly feel discouraged about that.

On Tuesday, I was driving to work, praying about meeting with my boss to talk to him about the possibility of me working from home 4 days a week. I have a thousand reasons why I should and I can't think of even one reason why not. But I've been stressed out about my job since friday. So i was planning on trying to talk to him on tuesday. But when I made it in, he wasn't online. I checked several times and he wasn't online. About 10:30, HE im'd ME asking if I was in the office. (I only hear from my boss maybe once a month or so). He said he was coming up to our room, and I figured he was coming up to tell us that he was finally going to move us out of that room to cubicles downstairs with the rest of our team. ugh. That would be the worst thing. But when he came in the door, he announced that he was up there to give me a free Quaker Oats tshirt for processing the most request of anyone on the team in Period 4. So that was encouraging!! I mean, i haven't had even a one cent raise since I started there 4.5 years ago. But a tshirt is a nice gesture! I'd come in really discouraged and that was actually a big encouragement. I still need to meet with him about WFH though. Dreading that.

One other neato God thing that I have been meaning to blog about for ages happened last summer. Before we left for the ranch, I'd prayed several times that God would give us an opportunity to glorify Him through being able serve people. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I prayed that He'd bring someone to us that we could help and serve. Boom! When we were at Whataburger in Beeville, we met a homeless homie, talked with him and fed him. It was neat! And a really cool God opportunity because...homeless people in Beeville?? what're the odds? I think we even talked to Him about Jesus some too. I was really appreciative of God giving us that small chance to serve. And I never told Joel or Sara that I'd prayed for that. so boom. in your face.

God has been very, very, very kind to me this week. I've been crap but He's been so full of grace and mercy. I couldn't deserve it less, but He still loves me and is doing beautiful things around me. I love Him. I just wanted to say I'm thankful. cuz i am. and stuff.

Stinky Donkey Hugs

I'm not good at being friends with a ton of people.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.

geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.

It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.

I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.


Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.

Jingleberries

Who's ready for another downer blog? yaaaaaaaaay!!!! hahahaa!! This is basically the same thing I wrote last monday morning, and the same thing I'll probably end up writing next monday morning.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!

Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.

I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.

I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
  For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
        It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
  I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.

I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.

(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)

 I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from  them again. blah.

I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.

Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.

 Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.

It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.

none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.

It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?

I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.

I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"

Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.


I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.

I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
       Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.

I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.


Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.

I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.

Top of the Pops

Hey, here's some tops. The definitive best. I have done painstaking research just for your edification and knowledge. Tuck this handy info away in your back of your brain and save it for a rainy day.  As always, these are in exact order, with one being the best.

Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone

Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber

Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone

Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate

Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3

S and N Conversations

Guy conversations and girl conversations are so different.

Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.

I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.

Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.

ok bye!

INFJ + Quality Time = suck.

   Yeah this might be another blog exploring the misfortune of my personality. But it's also a blog I could probably write at the end of every weekend, because I seem to always end up feeling the same way.

I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.

Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.

The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.

I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!

Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.

eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.

My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.

So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.

"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."

"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."

"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."

Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!

And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!

Also, i hate double entendres. Guy love them, but they wear me out and I don't like them. Inappropriate or am i crazy?

and also also, I'm REALLY good at giving animals names.

I named this kitten Jingle. He's 6 days old today.         

                              Hey, anyone want a kitten?

Shutin' it down

This may be a blog I've written before. Probably because it's a lesson that I have to re-learn at least once every year. I've been meaning to write this for the last couple weeks or so.
  
    I think if I could offer one piece of advice it would be, wear sunscreen.  hahaha...I crack myself up! I couldn't resist that. No, my advice is to seek the silence. Seek the silence relentlessly. It's so important, especially in the age we live in.
    I say this from my own personal experience. I have a job where it would be easy to sit and watch movies or listen to music or radio while I work all day. That's a huge temptation because it's easy. It's way easier to just tune out, turn off my brain and be entertained. As much as I know I need to just sit in silence, that temptation to just not think is there.
   In examining what stirs my heart for Christ and what kills my affection, I've found that not getting enough silence absolutely kills that affection. After going through a period of constantly indulging in the noise, then shutting it down and sitting in silence for the majority of every day, I slowly start to feel more of my personality coming back, which I didn't realize had been deadened by the constant barrage of input into my brain. I can feel my creativity, intuition, and cognitive skills slowly breathe to life and grow stronger and stronger. I never even realize how much of my soul and life has been sucked out of me by the busyness of my ears and eyes.
       Now, I know that my own personal temptation is that of occupying my mind with pointless entertainment, but I think it can have the same effect if you're simply around people all day. I'm not sure it really matters what the input is, too much input deadens you, and steals your joy without you even realizing most of the time.
       I don't think this is just a personality thing, even if it probably does come more naturally to introverts. I don't think our spirits were meant to just absorb, absorb, absorb. We have to shut it all down and let our souls and brains breathe. Our souls crave that quiet time to be alone with their Maker. It's seriously amazing how God will open up our hearts and really speak so clearly when we just sit and be still. He breathes life into in those moments.
    I also think we need that time alone to determine (or remember) who we are, away from all the influences that we judge ourselves by. It's good to get alone and re-focus on His heart, re-focus on who He's made us to be and His purposes for us, so that we can go back out there and live with intent instead of just living life.

That's my two cents. Instead of letting other people and entertainment sculpt your thoughts and be mirrors that shape your self image, let the Holy Spirit talk to you. Let Him show you who you are. Make time to let Him speak.

Just saying. Nothin' ya'll didn't know. Nothing that isn't extremely obvious.
But that's always heavy on my heart, because it's a fight and I have to be consistent and intentional about it. It doesn't always come easy. It's not something I always want to do, but in the end, it's always worth it. It always results in beauty and more life.  It's something we can't embrace deeply enough.
 
ok goodbye. 

Top 5 Best Instruments

Top Five Best-Sounding Instruments in exact order:

1. Violin
2. Piano
3. Classical Guitar
4. Hammered Dulcimer
5. Saxophone

I am the catfish (koo koo ka choo!)

Life with me is two things: always awkward. never boring.

So if I say "I really enjoyed talking with you! Can we hang out more often?"
and she responds with "Yeaaaah, see, the thing is, I'm bad at being friends with guys, sooo...um..."

...that's bad, right? Unless I'm mistaken, I'm pretty sure that's the nice girl way of saying "NEVER. AGAIN."

HAHA!! Oh the power of my unbridled awkwardness strikes again! The brilliant, unyielding potency of my awkwardness has produced another fine filet of unflattering happenstance!

Hahaha, but really I'm fine with it! I'm gifted at unintentionally making people uncomfortable! If you learn to embrace it, then it just makes life interesting!
I don't TRY to make things weird, I really don't. That would be mean. In fact, it seems like the more couth I attempt to be, the more maladroit things become! So I just gotta be me, love God & love people, and embrace the awkwardness that I inevitably produce.

Awkwardness is the spice of life, adding flavor to every moment. Really, you should be jealous that you haven't been endowed with this beautiful, reckless gift!

Now that I think about it, I might be my own catfish, unwittingly and ceaselessly making my own life more unexpectedly interesting than it need be. 
(ok more people need to see that movie so that I actually make sense to someone when I say that!)


Till the next awkward adventure, peace out ya'll!

Big people small God

I feel like today could be another bloggy day, so brace yourself. Hopefully I'm wrong. Although, generally, when I'm blogging a lot, I'm also doing really well spiritually. Not exactly sure how those two are connected, but that seems to be the pattern.

In reading what I loving call "when big people small big god" (or any semblance of those words because it's too hard to think of the actual title) I have questions. To be fair, I haven't finished the book, but still, it's ok to have questions, right?
Does fear of man account for personality? Like, God gave us our particular personalities, correct? Some people are introverts and dreadfully shy, does that mean they suffer horribly from the fear of man or is that just part of their God-given personality? I'm an introvert, and though not terribly shy, I can be shy on occasion I guess, but is that sinful?
    I just wonder where that line is, because the questions in the book are like "Do you get embarrassed around people? Do you care what people think of you?"
    And I'm like, "Ok crap. Sometimes I'm kinda quiet. That means I must be shy, so that means I must be embarrassed!! oh NO!!! Something is wrong in my heart!!!!"
      And honestly, I feel like I really don't care what people think, but then again, what if it's an attractive, Godly lady? That is when I run the risk of being shy. And it might not even be as much shyness as it is just being incapacitated by their beauty. It's like my brain melts. Is that sinful? Is that fear of man? It's a physiological reaction to intense physical beauty! "You're beautiful? You Love Jesus? Oh and you have a great personality and you're hilarious too?" excuse me while I completely lose the ability to speak!
Is that still a heart issue? And if that is a physiological reaction, didn't God design me that way? #confused
    It seems like that'd be like saying that you have a heart issue because you get hot when you're near the sun!
  
But would it be wrong to care what a lady thinks?? Is it wrong to want to impress a woman??  The book isn't specific about that situation. It just makes it sounds like if you've ever cared what any person ever thinks about you, then you're wrong. And maybe I am! and if that is wrong, how do you change that?? aren't we supposed to want to pursue a woman and want to impress her and all that good stuff?
   Not that you should change who you are, certainly not. You should be yourself. But at the same time, I'm not going to dress like a hobo like I might when I'm at home. Is it sinful to put your best foot forward? and what about makeup for the ladies? Isn't wearing makeup a sign of the fear of man? (almost literally! ha!)
      I have a feeling that I'm putting my ignorance on blast right now. But it raises those kind of questions for me.
But I sure do love that book. It stirs my affections. Especially chapter 6, which just so happens to be the chapter we're covering in homegroup next week! excited!

peace out. gotta get some work done.