Winter is the worst season. It's so unnecessarily sexy. It's like having Valentines day 100+ days in a row. It's all snuggly, cuddly and romantic.
Don't get me wrong, I hate the cold just because it's cold. No one hates the cold more than me. Once that temperature drops under 60 degrees, I'm locked down and coated up for the next 4 months. It's miserable.
...but it's the kind of miserable you want to share with someone, unlike when it's hot.
It's pretty obvious to all us single folk that if you had someone to weather the weather with, it'd go from being the worst imaginable punishment to a world of absolute pleasure and romance.
So you have the unbearable, life-sucking cold and the constant in-your-face sexiness of winter. That's a double whammy of misery.
But now can I tell you something I love that's only half-way related to all of the aforementioned?
I love waking up at 5am, putting on my shorts and a t-shirt to go to the gym, and braving that 10-second walk to the car in ungodly temperatures. As much as I hate the cold, I weirdly savor that blast of painful, brutal cold first thing in the morning. It makes me mad, yet energizes me and gets me pumped to work out. I hate freezing my bottom off sitting on the ice-cold leather of my car. The drive to the gym is a mingling of pain, joy, and the will to survive. Everything in me is screaming that death is surely imminent, but my brain refuses to accept that and tells my heart to beat faster because we must persist!
I sing. Because the louder you sing, the warmers you get. Everyone knows that.
The wintery fingers of death begin to release their grip as warmth finally starts to spread through the car....which is about the time I pull into the gym parking lot and have to get right back out into the cold. But by the time I make it into the gym, I'm feeling pretty heroic for still being alive.
I love coming out of the gym and being blasted by that shock of cold air again. I always think there's no way it'll still feel cold to me with as sweaty and hot as I am, or if it's still cold, that it'll be refreshing and feel good. But no, when I step outside the gym doors, it's like God has decided that's a good time to teach me humility, and takes a swing at me with a blast of His coldest breath. Ah, I hate it! It's the greatest!
I love the seeing the billows of smokey breath pouring out of my mouth after a hard work out. It makes me feel like a dragon. When it's drizzly like today, I imagine that each drop of rain sizzles and steams like an egg on a frying pan when it hits my skin. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel alive, it softens my heart with gratitude for such little joys.
I hate winter.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
American Football
There shouldn't be fieldgoals. They need to change that. Fieldgoals are stupid. Everyone knows it. Quit being pansies and just go for it. It should be a rule that you HAVE to go for it. Wouldn't that be extra crazy exciting? Fieldgoals are just girly and weak. It's kinda like bunting in baseball. Except bunting can still be sexy. Fieldgoals are never sexy. They're like naps. They're just boring, dumb and lacking action.
Also, there shouldn't be extra points. You should have to go for 2 every time. That'd be the BEST! Thatd be so much fun!!
Furthermore, why don't the visiting team automatically get to CHOOSE whether they want to kick or receive? That seems more polite. "Hello, welcome to our home! Would you like to go first?" That's how we do it in baseball. We're gentlemen. Let the visitors go first. That also sends a message of confidence. It doesn't matter who goes first, because we're bout to put a whooping on you either way! But please, let's at least be polite about it.
Basketball needs to get rid of the free throw as well. Instead, they should just let the offended player retaliate. Eye for an eye, elbow for an elbow.
And hockey....oh, hockey does everything right. It's just that no one cares because it's too much like figure skating. I guess maybe they could try it without the skates. But then there wouldn't be that element of danger of someone getting their face chopped off, so I guess you really DO need the skates.
I don't want to call myself a sport genius, but how has no one ever thought of this stuff before??
Also, there shouldn't be extra points. You should have to go for 2 every time. That'd be the BEST! Thatd be so much fun!!
Furthermore, why don't the visiting team automatically get to CHOOSE whether they want to kick or receive? That seems more polite. "Hello, welcome to our home! Would you like to go first?" That's how we do it in baseball. We're gentlemen. Let the visitors go first. That also sends a message of confidence. It doesn't matter who goes first, because we're bout to put a whooping on you either way! But please, let's at least be polite about it.
Basketball needs to get rid of the free throw as well. Instead, they should just let the offended player retaliate. Eye for an eye, elbow for an elbow.
And hockey....oh, hockey does everything right. It's just that no one cares because it's too much like figure skating. I guess maybe they could try it without the skates. But then there wouldn't be that element of danger of someone getting their face chopped off, so I guess you really DO need the skates.
I don't want to call myself a sport genius, but how has no one ever thought of this stuff before??
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Muppets, Wal-Mart, and Dimples
I'm been meaning to blog every day for weeks.
Not that I actually have anything to say. I just wanted to get back in the swing of blogging.
I think of bits and pieces of things I'd like to say. I'll try to remember. It'll just be disjointed random thoughts. I promise not to reveal too much about myself, as is the goal. I don't want people to think they know me through my blog, if that makes sense. But then again, I doubt you can write anything without revealing something about yourself. I'd just rather people make the effort to know me. I'm a quality timer. sue me.
I had a dream that I took a girl on a date to Wal-mart. It was magical. I think we were going to get manicures there or something. If I ever find a girl that considers Wal-mart a good date, I'm sticking a ring on that finger so fast it'll make your head spin.
I'm watching Leap Year again right now for probably the 6th time this month. yeah. I have a problem. A problem called I-love-awesome-movies.
I'd love to marry someone else with big dimples. Our kids would look like golf balls. Cute, adorable little golf ball-faced children. awwww! I want some.
Why is lust always at the top of the sin list? Every Bible study or group I've ever been in, that's the sin that's discussed and attacked with the most frequency. And I'm NOT saying that's bad. But there is other sin that's just as destructive. Like what about pride? That's way less easy to spot in your own life than lust. Yet it steals our joy like none other. In fact, isn't most sin just a result of pride, stealing our own joy in an attempt to be happy instead? sad. Also, maybe instead of focusing on sin, we could focus on knowing Jesus deeper and deeper, because the more you know Him, the less appealing sin becomes. He increases, the sin decreases. But I guess I'm captain obvious.
People who don't have a tv and people who aren't on facebook sure do like to let you know it. I understand the necessity for less tv and social media, but don't let become a point of pride. I can see how it'd be an easy trap to become prideful or smug about that.
It's finally Chet Baker music weather. He's the sound of a mild winter. Warms my heart like a cup of musical hot chocolate.
One of the things I struggle with the most is knowing when to patiently wait on God and when to act. I want Him to guide, but I never want to use that as an excuse for not taking action. When is He teaching me patience and trust and when am I just being lazy or scared? I bet ya that's a common struggle amongst us feelers (as in INFJ).
Another of one of my most frustrating struggles is where the personality He's given me fits into the Kingdom. He made me the way I am for a reason, and it's difficult to understand why or how it fits. What do I do with this weird, funky, and oft-frustrating personality? What does my redeemed personality type look like? Hard to find concrete answers on stuff like that.
I saw a woman at work who was 6'6"!! It was awesome!!! I told Brian about her because I was so excited, and we went over and talked to her and asked her how tall she was. She said she's 5'11" but that had to be total bull. It had to be! My neck was at a complete 90-degree angle when looking up at her! For real, ya'll! It was amazing! ....and a billion times more interesting than this story was. sorry.
If I had the money, I'd get shoulder surgery. I don't know if I need it, but I bet I do. I bet I have bonespurs. I don't really know what those are, but I think I have them. It feels like what those sound like.
I don't like camping. Mostly because I always end up being sick for days afterward due to allergies. But also because I just kinda like being clean.
Any time anyone drinks wine, they post about it on facebook. I'm not sure anyone has ever had a glass of wine in their hand without having a facebook status pulled up with the other. The fact that you like wine actually doesn't make you classy and sophisticated.
Same goes to the college students who feel like adults because they drink.
I cried my eyes out during The Muppets. Yes, seriously. Never cried that much during a movie ever. and I have NO IDEA why. Before we left for the movies, I had been watching the DVD of the last Five Iron Frenzy concert that I went to in Denver, and at the end we sang worship songs and that got me all choked up. So maybe that popped the seals off my tearducts or something. But I teared up constantly for the first 30 minutes of the movie. I was just so happy, so glad the Muppets are back. Weird, isn't it? I watched a LOT of Muppets as a child and had all the music from the movies on cassette tape. It was just so joyous to see them back on the big screen as they should be. NOT like that Muppets in Space crap. I love that the movie was kinda based on reality as well. That was really cool. They nailed it. It was perfect. Bret Mackinze from Flight of the Conchords wrote the music, Jason Segel wrote the movie, and He & Amy Adams starred in it. How could you ask for more? Oh what? you wish Neil Patrick Harris and John Krasinski were in it? well guess what? THEY ARE! booooooya!
ok bye. I love you. yes, YOU.
Not that I actually have anything to say. I just wanted to get back in the swing of blogging.
I think of bits and pieces of things I'd like to say. I'll try to remember. It'll just be disjointed random thoughts. I promise not to reveal too much about myself, as is the goal. I don't want people to think they know me through my blog, if that makes sense. But then again, I doubt you can write anything without revealing something about yourself. I'd just rather people make the effort to know me. I'm a quality timer. sue me.
I had a dream that I took a girl on a date to Wal-mart. It was magical. I think we were going to get manicures there or something. If I ever find a girl that considers Wal-mart a good date, I'm sticking a ring on that finger so fast it'll make your head spin.
I'm watching Leap Year again right now for probably the 6th time this month. yeah. I have a problem. A problem called I-love-awesome-movies.
I'd love to marry someone else with big dimples. Our kids would look like golf balls. Cute, adorable little golf ball-faced children. awwww! I want some.
Why is lust always at the top of the sin list? Every Bible study or group I've ever been in, that's the sin that's discussed and attacked with the most frequency. And I'm NOT saying that's bad. But there is other sin that's just as destructive. Like what about pride? That's way less easy to spot in your own life than lust. Yet it steals our joy like none other. In fact, isn't most sin just a result of pride, stealing our own joy in an attempt to be happy instead? sad. Also, maybe instead of focusing on sin, we could focus on knowing Jesus deeper and deeper, because the more you know Him, the less appealing sin becomes. He increases, the sin decreases. But I guess I'm captain obvious.
People who don't have a tv and people who aren't on facebook sure do like to let you know it. I understand the necessity for less tv and social media, but don't let become a point of pride. I can see how it'd be an easy trap to become prideful or smug about that.
It's finally Chet Baker music weather. He's the sound of a mild winter. Warms my heart like a cup of musical hot chocolate.
One of the things I struggle with the most is knowing when to patiently wait on God and when to act. I want Him to guide, but I never want to use that as an excuse for not taking action. When is He teaching me patience and trust and when am I just being lazy or scared? I bet ya that's a common struggle amongst us feelers (as in INFJ).
Another of one of my most frustrating struggles is where the personality He's given me fits into the Kingdom. He made me the way I am for a reason, and it's difficult to understand why or how it fits. What do I do with this weird, funky, and oft-frustrating personality? What does my redeemed personality type look like? Hard to find concrete answers on stuff like that.
I saw a woman at work who was 6'6"!! It was awesome!!! I told Brian about her because I was so excited, and we went over and talked to her and asked her how tall she was. She said she's 5'11" but that had to be total bull. It had to be! My neck was at a complete 90-degree angle when looking up at her! For real, ya'll! It was amazing! ....and a billion times more interesting than this story was. sorry.
If I had the money, I'd get shoulder surgery. I don't know if I need it, but I bet I do. I bet I have bonespurs. I don't really know what those are, but I think I have them. It feels like what those sound like.
I don't like camping. Mostly because I always end up being sick for days afterward due to allergies. But also because I just kinda like being clean.
Any time anyone drinks wine, they post about it on facebook. I'm not sure anyone has ever had a glass of wine in their hand without having a facebook status pulled up with the other. The fact that you like wine actually doesn't make you classy and sophisticated.
Same goes to the college students who feel like adults because they drink.
I cried my eyes out during The Muppets. Yes, seriously. Never cried that much during a movie ever. and I have NO IDEA why. Before we left for the movies, I had been watching the DVD of the last Five Iron Frenzy concert that I went to in Denver, and at the end we sang worship songs and that got me all choked up. So maybe that popped the seals off my tearducts or something. But I teared up constantly for the first 30 minutes of the movie. I was just so happy, so glad the Muppets are back. Weird, isn't it? I watched a LOT of Muppets as a child and had all the music from the movies on cassette tape. It was just so joyous to see them back on the big screen as they should be. NOT like that Muppets in Space crap. I love that the movie was kinda based on reality as well. That was really cool. They nailed it. It was perfect. Bret Mackinze from Flight of the Conchords wrote the music, Jason Segel wrote the movie, and He & Amy Adams starred in it. How could you ask for more? Oh what? you wish Neil Patrick Harris and John Krasinski were in it? well guess what? THEY ARE! booooooya!
ok bye. I love you. yes, YOU.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Duets II
I'm really, really digging the new Tony Bennett Duets II album. That's my favorite kind of music! And of course, I'm a sucker for a good duet!
I'm a bit ashamed to say that my favorite track might be the one with Lady Gaga. I had no idea she could actually sing! It's both disappointing and refreshing. But they did a smashing cover of "The Lady is a Tramp", which is only marred by the mention of freaking Derek Jeter. ##%^@!!! JETER!!! why??? why did they have to do that?? vomit. But still, the best song on the album!
Bennett also covered a couple of my favorite songs, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" & "It Had to Be You", which have also, not-coincidentally, been covered by Harry Connick Jr in decades past. Of course, anything Harry does is transcendent, but both these covers are pretty admirable attempts!
The Sheryl Crow song is melty and delicious. As are the Bocellli and Groban tracks.
"The Way You Look Tonight" might be my all-time favorite song. Top 5, for sure. Faith Hill's voice was gorgeous on this cover, but Tony's made me want to rip his throat out. So I won't be purchasing that one.
My least favorite track is probably "Body and Soul" with Amy Winehouse. I know I'm supposed to love her and whatever, but she didn't sound right. It was too high-pitched & nasally for my taste, which is odd because usually she really did have a beautiful, classic jazz voice.
Likewise, the song with Aretha Franklin is yucky.
I couldn't find a way to tweet my enjoyment of this album, so I blogged it. Let's face it, my opinions are awesome and need to be shared with the world, so, you're welcome.
I'm a bit ashamed to say that my favorite track might be the one with Lady Gaga. I had no idea she could actually sing! It's both disappointing and refreshing. But they did a smashing cover of "The Lady is a Tramp", which is only marred by the mention of freaking Derek Jeter. ##%^@!!! JETER!!! why??? why did they have to do that?? vomit. But still, the best song on the album!
Bennett also covered a couple of my favorite songs, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" & "It Had to Be You", which have also, not-coincidentally, been covered by Harry Connick Jr in decades past. Of course, anything Harry does is transcendent, but both these covers are pretty admirable attempts!
The Sheryl Crow song is melty and delicious. As are the Bocellli and Groban tracks.
"The Way You Look Tonight" might be my all-time favorite song. Top 5, for sure. Faith Hill's voice was gorgeous on this cover, but Tony's made me want to rip his throat out. So I won't be purchasing that one.
My least favorite track is probably "Body and Soul" with Amy Winehouse. I know I'm supposed to love her and whatever, but she didn't sound right. It was too high-pitched & nasally for my taste, which is odd because usually she really did have a beautiful, classic jazz voice.
Likewise, the song with Aretha Franklin is yucky.
I couldn't find a way to tweet my enjoyment of this album, so I blogged it. Let's face it, my opinions are awesome and need to be shared with the world, so, you're welcome.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
God things
Here's a couple neato speedo God things from this week.
The past week and especially last weekend I was really missing Joel. I hadn't talked to him in 9 months. I was missing him super bad. Monday morning I spent some time praying about our friendship and if God would please intervene and make us friends again somehow. and BOOM! that afternoon he texted me and we hung out and we're back to being brothers! That was a huge blessing. Beyond huge, actually. I have so badly needed that easy, laid-back fun friendship. I've really been struggling with feeling like anyone cares at church. I don't fit in. I'm not normal. I'm not cool. Heck, someone told me again on Sunday night that I'm weird. Yes, i am. I don't deny that. I don't even mind being weird. I just hate that it gets in the way of being accepted and being known and having real community. But whatever. Having Joel in my life is encouraging, and it may give me enough energy to keep trying with people at church even though I constantly feel discouraged about that.
On Tuesday, I was driving to work, praying about meeting with my boss to talk to him about the possibility of me working from home 4 days a week. I have a thousand reasons why I should and I can't think of even one reason why not. But I've been stressed out about my job since friday. So i was planning on trying to talk to him on tuesday. But when I made it in, he wasn't online. I checked several times and he wasn't online. About 10:30, HE im'd ME asking if I was in the office. (I only hear from my boss maybe once a month or so). He said he was coming up to our room, and I figured he was coming up to tell us that he was finally going to move us out of that room to cubicles downstairs with the rest of our team. ugh. That would be the worst thing. But when he came in the door, he announced that he was up there to give me a free Quaker Oats tshirt for processing the most request of anyone on the team in Period 4. So that was encouraging!! I mean, i haven't had even a one cent raise since I started there 4.5 years ago. But a tshirt is a nice gesture! I'd come in really discouraged and that was actually a big encouragement. I still need to meet with him about WFH though. Dreading that.
One other neato God thing that I have been meaning to blog about for ages happened last summer. Before we left for the ranch, I'd prayed several times that God would give us an opportunity to glorify Him through being able serve people. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I prayed that He'd bring someone to us that we could help and serve. Boom! When we were at Whataburger in Beeville, we met a homeless homie, talked with him and fed him. It was neat! And a really cool God opportunity because...homeless people in Beeville?? what're the odds? I think we even talked to Him about Jesus some too. I was really appreciative of God giving us that small chance to serve. And I never told Joel or Sara that I'd prayed for that. so boom. in your face.
God has been very, very, very kind to me this week. I've been crap but He's been so full of grace and mercy. I couldn't deserve it less, but He still loves me and is doing beautiful things around me. I love Him. I just wanted to say I'm thankful. cuz i am. and stuff.
The past week and especially last weekend I was really missing Joel. I hadn't talked to him in 9 months. I was missing him super bad. Monday morning I spent some time praying about our friendship and if God would please intervene and make us friends again somehow. and BOOM! that afternoon he texted me and we hung out and we're back to being brothers! That was a huge blessing. Beyond huge, actually. I have so badly needed that easy, laid-back fun friendship. I've really been struggling with feeling like anyone cares at church. I don't fit in. I'm not normal. I'm not cool. Heck, someone told me again on Sunday night that I'm weird. Yes, i am. I don't deny that. I don't even mind being weird. I just hate that it gets in the way of being accepted and being known and having real community. But whatever. Having Joel in my life is encouraging, and it may give me enough energy to keep trying with people at church even though I constantly feel discouraged about that.
On Tuesday, I was driving to work, praying about meeting with my boss to talk to him about the possibility of me working from home 4 days a week. I have a thousand reasons why I should and I can't think of even one reason why not. But I've been stressed out about my job since friday. So i was planning on trying to talk to him on tuesday. But when I made it in, he wasn't online. I checked several times and he wasn't online. About 10:30, HE im'd ME asking if I was in the office. (I only hear from my boss maybe once a month or so). He said he was coming up to our room, and I figured he was coming up to tell us that he was finally going to move us out of that room to cubicles downstairs with the rest of our team. ugh. That would be the worst thing. But when he came in the door, he announced that he was up there to give me a free Quaker Oats tshirt for processing the most request of anyone on the team in Period 4. So that was encouraging!! I mean, i haven't had even a one cent raise since I started there 4.5 years ago. But a tshirt is a nice gesture! I'd come in really discouraged and that was actually a big encouragement. I still need to meet with him about WFH though. Dreading that.
One other neato God thing that I have been meaning to blog about for ages happened last summer. Before we left for the ranch, I'd prayed several times that God would give us an opportunity to glorify Him through being able serve people. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I prayed that He'd bring someone to us that we could help and serve. Boom! When we were at Whataburger in Beeville, we met a homeless homie, talked with him and fed him. It was neat! And a really cool God opportunity because...homeless people in Beeville?? what're the odds? I think we even talked to Him about Jesus some too. I was really appreciative of God giving us that small chance to serve. And I never told Joel or Sara that I'd prayed for that. so boom. in your face.
God has been very, very, very kind to me this week. I've been crap but He's been so full of grace and mercy. I couldn't deserve it less, but He still loves me and is doing beautiful things around me. I love Him. I just wanted to say I'm thankful. cuz i am. and stuff.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Stinky Donkey Hugs
I'm not good at being friends with a ton of people.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.
geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.
It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.
I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.
Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.
geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.
It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.
I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.
Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Jingleberries
Who's ready for another downer blog? yaaaaaaaaay!!!! hahahaa!! This is basically the same thing I wrote last monday morning, and the same thing I'll probably end up writing next monday morning.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!
Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.
I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.
I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.
I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.
(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)
I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from them again. blah.
I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.
Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.
Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.
It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.
none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.
It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?
I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.
I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"
Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.
I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.
I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.
I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.
Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.
I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!
Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.
I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.
I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.
I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.
(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)
I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from them again. blah.
I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.
Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.
Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.
It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.
none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.
It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?
I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.
I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"
Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.
I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.
I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.
I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.
Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.
I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Top of the Pops
Hey, here's some tops. The definitive best. I have done painstaking research just for your edification and knowledge. Tuck this handy info away in your back of your brain and save it for a rainy day. As always, these are in exact order, with one being the best.
Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone
Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber
Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone
Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate
Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3
Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone
Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber
Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone
Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate
Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3
S and N Conversations
Guy conversations and girl conversations are so different.
Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.
I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.
Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.
ok bye!
Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.
I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.
Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.
ok bye!
INFJ + Quality Time = suck.
Yeah this might be another blog exploring the misfortune of my personality. But it's also a blog I could probably write at the end of every weekend, because I seem to always end up feeling the same way.
I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.
Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.
The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.
I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!
Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.
eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.
My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.
So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."
"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."
"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."
Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!
And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!
I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.
Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.
The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.
I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!
Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.
eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.
My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.
So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."
"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."
"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."
Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!
And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!
Also, i hate double entendres. Guy love them, but they wear me out and I don't like them. Inappropriate or am i crazy?
and also also, I'm REALLY good at giving animals names.
I named this kitten Jingle. He's 6 days old today.
Hey, anyone want a kitten?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Shutin' it down
This may be a blog I've written before. Probably because it's a lesson that I have to re-learn at least once every year. I've been meaning to write this for the last couple weeks or so.
I think if I could offer one piece of advice it would be, wear sunscreen. hahaha...I crack myself up! I couldn't resist that. No, my advice is to seek the silence. Seek the silence relentlessly. It's so important, especially in the age we live in.
I say this from my own personal experience. I have a job where it would be easy to sit and watch movies or listen to music or radio while I work all day. That's a huge temptation because it's easy. It's way easier to just tune out, turn off my brain and be entertained. As much as I know I need to just sit in silence, that temptation to just not think is there.
In examining what stirs my heart for Christ and what kills my affection, I've found that not getting enough silence absolutely kills that affection. After going through a period of constantly indulging in the noise, then shutting it down and sitting in silence for the majority of every day, I slowly start to feel more of my personality coming back, which I didn't realize had been deadened by the constant barrage of input into my brain. I can feel my creativity, intuition, and cognitive skills slowly breathe to life and grow stronger and stronger. I never even realize how much of my soul and life has been sucked out of me by the busyness of my ears and eyes.
Now, I know that my own personal temptation is that of occupying my mind with pointless entertainment, but I think it can have the same effect if you're simply around people all day. I'm not sure it really matters what the input is, too much input deadens you, and steals your joy without you even realizing most of the time.
I don't think this is just a personality thing, even if it probably does come more naturally to introverts. I don't think our spirits were meant to just absorb, absorb, absorb. We have to shut it all down and let our souls and brains breathe. Our souls crave that quiet time to be alone with their Maker. It's seriously amazing how God will open up our hearts and really speak so clearly when we just sit and be still. He breathes life into in those moments.
I also think we need that time alone to determine (or remember) who we are, away from all the influences that we judge ourselves by. It's good to get alone and re-focus on His heart, re-focus on who He's made us to be and His purposes for us, so that we can go back out there and live with intent instead of just living life.
That's my two cents. Instead of letting other people and entertainment sculpt your thoughts and be mirrors that shape your self image, let the Holy Spirit talk to you. Let Him show you who you are. Make time to let Him speak.
Just saying. Nothin' ya'll didn't know. Nothing that isn't extremely obvious.
But that's always heavy on my heart, because it's a fight and I have to be consistent and intentional about it. It doesn't always come easy. It's not something I always want to do, but in the end, it's always worth it. It always results in beauty and more life. It's something we can't embrace deeply enough.
ok goodbye.
I think if I could offer one piece of advice it would be, wear sunscreen. hahaha...I crack myself up! I couldn't resist that. No, my advice is to seek the silence. Seek the silence relentlessly. It's so important, especially in the age we live in.
I say this from my own personal experience. I have a job where it would be easy to sit and watch movies or listen to music or radio while I work all day. That's a huge temptation because it's easy. It's way easier to just tune out, turn off my brain and be entertained. As much as I know I need to just sit in silence, that temptation to just not think is there.
In examining what stirs my heart for Christ and what kills my affection, I've found that not getting enough silence absolutely kills that affection. After going through a period of constantly indulging in the noise, then shutting it down and sitting in silence for the majority of every day, I slowly start to feel more of my personality coming back, which I didn't realize had been deadened by the constant barrage of input into my brain. I can feel my creativity, intuition, and cognitive skills slowly breathe to life and grow stronger and stronger. I never even realize how much of my soul and life has been sucked out of me by the busyness of my ears and eyes.
Now, I know that my own personal temptation is that of occupying my mind with pointless entertainment, but I think it can have the same effect if you're simply around people all day. I'm not sure it really matters what the input is, too much input deadens you, and steals your joy without you even realizing most of the time.
I don't think this is just a personality thing, even if it probably does come more naturally to introverts. I don't think our spirits were meant to just absorb, absorb, absorb. We have to shut it all down and let our souls and brains breathe. Our souls crave that quiet time to be alone with their Maker. It's seriously amazing how God will open up our hearts and really speak so clearly when we just sit and be still. He breathes life into in those moments.
I also think we need that time alone to determine (or remember) who we are, away from all the influences that we judge ourselves by. It's good to get alone and re-focus on His heart, re-focus on who He's made us to be and His purposes for us, so that we can go back out there and live with intent instead of just living life.
That's my two cents. Instead of letting other people and entertainment sculpt your thoughts and be mirrors that shape your self image, let the Holy Spirit talk to you. Let Him show you who you are. Make time to let Him speak.
Just saying. Nothin' ya'll didn't know. Nothing that isn't extremely obvious.
But that's always heavy on my heart, because it's a fight and I have to be consistent and intentional about it. It doesn't always come easy. It's not something I always want to do, but in the end, it's always worth it. It always results in beauty and more life. It's something we can't embrace deeply enough.
ok goodbye.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Top 5 Best Instruments
Top Five Best-Sounding Instruments in exact order:
1. Violin
2. Piano
3. Classical Guitar
4. Hammered Dulcimer
5. Saxophone
1. Violin
2. Piano
3. Classical Guitar
4. Hammered Dulcimer
5. Saxophone
I am the catfish (koo koo ka choo!)
Life with me is two things: always awkward. never boring.
Hahaha, but really I'm fine with it! I'm gifted at unintentionally making people uncomfortable! If you learn to embrace it, then it just makes life interesting!
I don't TRY to make things weird, I really don't. That would be mean. In fact, it seems like the more couth I attempt to be, the more maladroit things become! So I just gotta be me, love God & love people, and embrace the awkwardness that I inevitably produce.
Awkwardness is the spice of life, adding flavor to every moment. Really, you should be jealous that you haven't been endowed with this beautiful, reckless gift!
Now that I think about it, I might be my own catfish, unwittingly and ceaselessly making my own life more unexpectedly interesting than it need be.
(ok more people need to see that movie so that I actually make sense to someone when I say that!)
Till the next awkward adventure, peace out ya'll!
So if I say "I really enjoyed talking with you! Can we hang out more often?"
and she responds with "Yeaaaah, see, the thing is, I'm bad at being friends with guys, sooo...um..."
and she responds with "Yeaaaah, see, the thing is, I'm bad at being friends with guys, sooo...um..."
...that's bad, right? Unless I'm mistaken, I'm pretty sure that's the nice girl way of saying "NEVER. AGAIN."
HAHA!! Oh the power of my unbridled awkwardness strikes again! The brilliant, unyielding potency of my awkwardness has produced another fine filet of unflattering happenstance!
HAHA!! Oh the power of my unbridled awkwardness strikes again! The brilliant, unyielding potency of my awkwardness has produced another fine filet of unflattering happenstance!
Hahaha, but really I'm fine with it! I'm gifted at unintentionally making people uncomfortable! If you learn to embrace it, then it just makes life interesting!
I don't TRY to make things weird, I really don't. That would be mean. In fact, it seems like the more couth I attempt to be, the more maladroit things become! So I just gotta be me, love God & love people, and embrace the awkwardness that I inevitably produce.
Awkwardness is the spice of life, adding flavor to every moment. Really, you should be jealous that you haven't been endowed with this beautiful, reckless gift!
(ok more people need to see that movie so that I actually make sense to someone when I say that!)
Till the next awkward adventure, peace out ya'll!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Big people small God
I feel like today could be another bloggy day, so brace yourself. Hopefully I'm wrong. Although, generally, when I'm blogging a lot, I'm also doing really well spiritually. Not exactly sure how those two are connected, but that seems to be the pattern.
In reading what I loving call "when big people small big god" (or any semblance of those words because it's too hard to think of the actual title) I have questions. To be fair, I haven't finished the book, but still, it's ok to have questions, right?
Does fear of man account for personality? Like, God gave us our particular personalities, correct? Some people are introverts and dreadfully shy, does that mean they suffer horribly from the fear of man or is that just part of their God-given personality? I'm an introvert, and though not terribly shy, I can be shy on occasion I guess, but is that sinful?
I just wonder where that line is, because the questions in the book are like "Do you get embarrassed around people? Do you care what people think of you?"
And I'm like, "Ok crap. Sometimes I'm kinda quiet. That means I must be shy, so that means I must be embarrassed!! oh NO!!! Something is wrong in my heart!!!!"
And honestly, I feel like I really don't care what people think, but then again, what if it's an attractive, Godly lady? That is when I run the risk of being shy. And it might not even be as much shyness as it is just being incapacitated by their beauty. It's like my brain melts. Is that sinful? Is that fear of man? It's a physiological reaction to intense physical beauty! "You're beautiful? You Love Jesus? Oh and you have a great personality and you're hilarious too?" excuse me while I completely lose the ability to speak!
Is that still a heart issue? And if that is a physiological reaction, didn't God design me that way? #confused
It seems like that'd be like saying that you have a heart issue because you get hot when you're near the sun!
But would it be wrong to care what a lady thinks?? Is it wrong to want to impress a woman?? The book isn't specific about that situation. It just makes it sounds like if you've ever cared what any person ever thinks about you, then you're wrong. And maybe I am! and if that is wrong, how do you change that?? aren't we supposed to want to pursue a woman and want to impress her and all that good stuff?
Not that you should change who you are, certainly not. You should be yourself. But at the same time, I'm not going to dress like a hobo like I might when I'm at home. Is it sinful to put your best foot forward? and what about makeup for the ladies? Isn't wearing makeup a sign of the fear of man? (almost literally! ha!)
I have a feeling that I'm putting my ignorance on blast right now. But it raises those kind of questions for me.
But I sure do love that book. It stirs my affections. Especially chapter 6, which just so happens to be the chapter we're covering in homegroup next week! excited!
peace out. gotta get some work done.
In reading what I loving call "when big people small big god" (or any semblance of those words because it's too hard to think of the actual title) I have questions. To be fair, I haven't finished the book, but still, it's ok to have questions, right?
Does fear of man account for personality? Like, God gave us our particular personalities, correct? Some people are introverts and dreadfully shy, does that mean they suffer horribly from the fear of man or is that just part of their God-given personality? I'm an introvert, and though not terribly shy, I can be shy on occasion I guess, but is that sinful?
I just wonder where that line is, because the questions in the book are like "Do you get embarrassed around people? Do you care what people think of you?"
And I'm like, "Ok crap. Sometimes I'm kinda quiet. That means I must be shy, so that means I must be embarrassed!! oh NO!!! Something is wrong in my heart!!!!"
And honestly, I feel like I really don't care what people think, but then again, what if it's an attractive, Godly lady? That is when I run the risk of being shy. And it might not even be as much shyness as it is just being incapacitated by their beauty. It's like my brain melts. Is that sinful? Is that fear of man? It's a physiological reaction to intense physical beauty! "You're beautiful? You Love Jesus? Oh and you have a great personality and you're hilarious too?" excuse me while I completely lose the ability to speak!
Is that still a heart issue? And if that is a physiological reaction, didn't God design me that way? #confused
It seems like that'd be like saying that you have a heart issue because you get hot when you're near the sun!
But would it be wrong to care what a lady thinks?? Is it wrong to want to impress a woman?? The book isn't specific about that situation. It just makes it sounds like if you've ever cared what any person ever thinks about you, then you're wrong. And maybe I am! and if that is wrong, how do you change that?? aren't we supposed to want to pursue a woman and want to impress her and all that good stuff?
Not that you should change who you are, certainly not. You should be yourself. But at the same time, I'm not going to dress like a hobo like I might when I'm at home. Is it sinful to put your best foot forward? and what about makeup for the ladies? Isn't wearing makeup a sign of the fear of man? (almost literally! ha!)
I have a feeling that I'm putting my ignorance on blast right now. But it raises those kind of questions for me.
But I sure do love that book. It stirs my affections. Especially chapter 6, which just so happens to be the chapter we're covering in homegroup next week! excited!
peace out. gotta get some work done.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Hot People
The bad thing about being really hot is that you don't know who to trust. (I mean, I assume. Obviously, that's not exactly my area of experience.) Unless you don't know you're hot. Then you trust everyone, and that's scary!
I always admired it when ladies who are gorgeous didn't realize they're gorgeous.
But these days I think that's maybe not as cool and humble as it initially seems, and actually a bit dangerous.
Because when you're really beautiful, you're a magnet for all kinds of creepiness and sketchiness. And if you don't realize that people are drawn to you for your looks, you probably end up trusting the wrong people at points. That can't end well, right? ew. That gives me chills.
On the other hand, I bet that when you're gorgeous you're probably also really perspective and discerning because you've always had to read peoples' underlying intentions your whole life. So I think it really can make you a stronger person!
People that are hot and know they're hot get a bad rap because people assume that they're arrogant, cocky and have an easier life. Maybe that's true sometimes, but I bet those people might actually have it harder.
If I were hot, I bet it'd be a struggle to be myself, because 1.) I wouldn't know who to trust and what people's real intentions were. What are they really after? Would they be as nice to me if I looked like a monkey? even beyond the opposite gender. I think it would add a level of stress to friendships in general. and 2.) people would just automatically be more inclined to like me without ever knowing the real me. I wouldn't have to be me because everyone would always be accepting and welcoming. You could hide inside that pretty persona so easily. The opposite gender probably wouldn't expect as much from you. So how do you be you? Do you have people pressing on you to be who you are when you're hot?
And what if people think they like you for you, but what if they don't actually know the real you? what if it's really just your beauty that's drawing them in, and they don't even realize that? So if they don't know that their intentions aren't entirely pure, how could you know that? That would be hard.
Geez, for all the beauty God's painted into this world, so much darkness still remains in our hearts. Ick. Jesus needs to come back and back it all right. So I'm sorry, pretty people, for giving you such a bad rap in my own mind all these years.
I'm just glad I'm not hot.
...but i DO smell good. *gasp* I wonder if people are only friends with me because they love my sweet, manly aroma??
...eh. i'm ok with that.
I always admired it when ladies who are gorgeous didn't realize they're gorgeous.
But these days I think that's maybe not as cool and humble as it initially seems, and actually a bit dangerous.
Because when you're really beautiful, you're a magnet for all kinds of creepiness and sketchiness. And if you don't realize that people are drawn to you for your looks, you probably end up trusting the wrong people at points. That can't end well, right? ew. That gives me chills.
On the other hand, I bet that when you're gorgeous you're probably also really perspective and discerning because you've always had to read peoples' underlying intentions your whole life. So I think it really can make you a stronger person!
People that are hot and know they're hot get a bad rap because people assume that they're arrogant, cocky and have an easier life. Maybe that's true sometimes, but I bet those people might actually have it harder.
If I were hot, I bet it'd be a struggle to be myself, because 1.) I wouldn't know who to trust and what people's real intentions were. What are they really after? Would they be as nice to me if I looked like a monkey? even beyond the opposite gender. I think it would add a level of stress to friendships in general. and 2.) people would just automatically be more inclined to like me without ever knowing the real me. I wouldn't have to be me because everyone would always be accepting and welcoming. You could hide inside that pretty persona so easily. The opposite gender probably wouldn't expect as much from you. So how do you be you? Do you have people pressing on you to be who you are when you're hot?
And what if people think they like you for you, but what if they don't actually know the real you? what if it's really just your beauty that's drawing them in, and they don't even realize that? So if they don't know that their intentions aren't entirely pure, how could you know that? That would be hard.
Geez, for all the beauty God's painted into this world, so much darkness still remains in our hearts. Ick. Jesus needs to come back and back it all right. So I'm sorry, pretty people, for giving you such a bad rap in my own mind all these years.
I'm just glad I'm not hot.
...but i DO smell good. *gasp* I wonder if people are only friends with me because they love my sweet, manly aroma??
...eh. i'm ok with that.
The Little Things
It seems like it's always the simplest things that strike my heart the deepest.
This morning my heart is humming with gratitude for His friendship, for being called His son. I am so thankful for His enduring grace, but this morning I'm really thankful that He didn't just give us grace and mercy and walk away. That alone is a gift we could never deserve, but He didn't even stop there, He gave us Himself, He gave us friendship with God.
It would enough that He saved us, but He cares about the stuff that even I find myself feeling dumb for caring about.
I LOVE that!
I love the times when you can see the active hand of God in the little details of things that you didn't realize you cared about. Or sometimes I'll feel like I've prayed about something from every possible angle, so that there is nothing I haven't prayed about or asked for in a given situation, and then He'll go and do something small and delightful that I could never have even conceived of! It blows my heart into a million pieces to see the creativity and tenderness that goes into gifting us those moments! (I wonder if does that stuff because He knows I'm a feeler and that it stirs my heart like crazy? Also, I wonder if most people notice those little things or if they would attribute them to God wooing them?)
I think I always tend to feel a certain amount of guilt (or maybe that's not the right word) when I find myself concerned with my life here on earth. I often feel like I'm not supposed to care. I should be focused on eternity, focused on the big picture, I shouldn't worry about my comfort or my desires so much because that's not my purpose here. I need to focus on things of eternal significance. I feel that weight so much that a lot of times I feel guilty and unfocused when I'm concerned about temporal things here.
(And that's probably good to an extent though, because my heart is like cookie monster sometimes, it's a crazy person and just wants what it wants, regardless of logic. So I thank God for a bit of gravity in my thinking!)
But days like today, it's overwhelming to see Him play an active role in the little things in my life that show me that He loves me so deeply that even my little quirks, preferences, and silly desires matter to Him. Often I feel like they shouldn't even matter to me, but He takes the time to show me that they matter to Him! I find so much freedom in the experience of a love that deep! He never ceases to amaze me and blow my mind.
yeah. that's all. have a swell day! drink some Pepsi!
This morning my heart is humming with gratitude for His friendship, for being called His son. I am so thankful for His enduring grace, but this morning I'm really thankful that He didn't just give us grace and mercy and walk away. That alone is a gift we could never deserve, but He didn't even stop there, He gave us Himself, He gave us friendship with God.
It would enough that He saved us, but He cares about the stuff that even I find myself feeling dumb for caring about.
I LOVE that!
I love the times when you can see the active hand of God in the little details of things that you didn't realize you cared about. Or sometimes I'll feel like I've prayed about something from every possible angle, so that there is nothing I haven't prayed about or asked for in a given situation, and then He'll go and do something small and delightful that I could never have even conceived of! It blows my heart into a million pieces to see the creativity and tenderness that goes into gifting us those moments! (I wonder if does that stuff because He knows I'm a feeler and that it stirs my heart like crazy? Also, I wonder if most people notice those little things or if they would attribute them to God wooing them?)
I think I always tend to feel a certain amount of guilt (or maybe that's not the right word) when I find myself concerned with my life here on earth. I often feel like I'm not supposed to care. I should be focused on eternity, focused on the big picture, I shouldn't worry about my comfort or my desires so much because that's not my purpose here. I need to focus on things of eternal significance. I feel that weight so much that a lot of times I feel guilty and unfocused when I'm concerned about temporal things here.
(And that's probably good to an extent though, because my heart is like cookie monster sometimes, it's a crazy person and just wants what it wants, regardless of logic. So I thank God for a bit of gravity in my thinking!)
But days like today, it's overwhelming to see Him play an active role in the little things in my life that show me that He loves me so deeply that even my little quirks, preferences, and silly desires matter to Him. Often I feel like they shouldn't even matter to me, but He takes the time to show me that they matter to Him! I find so much freedom in the experience of a love that deep! He never ceases to amaze me and blow my mind.
yeah. that's all. have a swell day! drink some Pepsi!
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Leftovers
Here are remnants from the thoughts strolling through my mind today.
I ran across my favorite (hmm...well it's in my top 5 at least) Relient K lyric again yesterday. I hadn't heard it in long time. It's so funny too, because they jam this poignant line in at the end of a lighthearted song. I love those guys!
"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am"
That connects with me on several levels. It's such an accurate description of who I am now, particularity after NHBC.
I don't want people to think they know me or assume anything about me. I want them to actually know me.
If someone knows me for who really am, then I could care less if they like me or not. Just as long as their opinion is based on who I really am, and not just their perception. Percieve me for who I am, not for who you think I am by what you see. Cuz that way, I'm totally fine with you not liking me. I'm still just gonna be me. I just want to be understood....which is the title of another Relient K song on the same album as the aforementioned. ooh let me look up those lyrics!
"You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"
There's a great line from "I Am Understood?" That's also the song with the killer chorus: You looked into my life and never stopped..." Oh mercy! yes! Love it.
Another rumination from today: I wonder if my personality has been more shaped by who I don't want to be rather than by who I do want to be? Or maybe that's the same thing. One of the strongest qualities of my personality type is that of the observer. We notice things, we take things in, we analyze, we read between the lines. We're sponges. We kinda absorb things about people. I wonder if the drawback to that attribute is that I notice the qualities, eccentricities, or actions of other people and subconsciously think, "Ooh, i don't want to be like that!" Not to say that I'm judging them, it just sparks something in my mind that tells me not to be like that in my life.
Conversely, I do look notice qualities in other people that I admire and want to emulate in my own life!
But beyond just being an observer by nature, I also learn best by example, so it's natural for me to learn from watching people and seeing how certain qualities manifest in their life. It's easier to apply to myself that way. I love looking at Jesus and see how He loved and how He served, etc. I love looking at Chandler and Patterson and seeing how they love their wives. At the same time it's almost just as helpful to me to look at someone who doesn't love their wife as well I'd hope to and learn from the ways that they're failing.
Does that make sense?
hahah..yeah! It does. To meeeeeee! hahaha!! and too bad if it doesn't, because I don't feel like trying to explain further. It's exhausting being in my head all day. You should try it.
A thought today that brought me SO much peace and satisfaction: I am not my own. My life isn't mine.
I love that. Simple, but overwhelming. That simple reminder flooded me with peace today.
So there are some crumbs leftover from today's thoughts. From my heart to your eyeballs.
I think it's safe to say that you can be expecting a blog about the joy of baseball in the near future. Although, I probably say that every year and it never manifests anywhere other than my own brain. So we'll see.
TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!
I ran across my favorite (hmm...well it's in my top 5 at least) Relient K lyric again yesterday. I hadn't heard it in long time. It's so funny too, because they jam this poignant line in at the end of a lighthearted song. I love those guys!
"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am"
That connects with me on several levels. It's such an accurate description of who I am now, particularity after NHBC.
I don't want people to think they know me or assume anything about me. I want them to actually know me.
If someone knows me for who really am, then I could care less if they like me or not. Just as long as their opinion is based on who I really am, and not just their perception. Percieve me for who I am, not for who you think I am by what you see. Cuz that way, I'm totally fine with you not liking me. I'm still just gonna be me. I just want to be understood....which is the title of another Relient K song on the same album as the aforementioned. ooh let me look up those lyrics!
"You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"
There's a great line from "I Am Understood?" That's also the song with the killer chorus: You looked into my life and never stopped..." Oh mercy! yes! Love it.
Another rumination from today: I wonder if my personality has been more shaped by who I don't want to be rather than by who I do want to be? Or maybe that's the same thing. One of the strongest qualities of my personality type is that of the observer. We notice things, we take things in, we analyze, we read between the lines. We're sponges. We kinda absorb things about people. I wonder if the drawback to that attribute is that I notice the qualities, eccentricities, or actions of other people and subconsciously think, "Ooh, i don't want to be like that!" Not to say that I'm judging them, it just sparks something in my mind that tells me not to be like that in my life.
Conversely, I do look notice qualities in other people that I admire and want to emulate in my own life!
But beyond just being an observer by nature, I also learn best by example, so it's natural for me to learn from watching people and seeing how certain qualities manifest in their life. It's easier to apply to myself that way. I love looking at Jesus and see how He loved and how He served, etc. I love looking at Chandler and Patterson and seeing how they love their wives. At the same time it's almost just as helpful to me to look at someone who doesn't love their wife as well I'd hope to and learn from the ways that they're failing.
Does that make sense?
hahah..yeah! It does. To meeeeeee! hahaha!! and too bad if it doesn't, because I don't feel like trying to explain further. It's exhausting being in my head all day. You should try it.
A thought today that brought me SO much peace and satisfaction: I am not my own. My life isn't mine.
I love that. Simple, but overwhelming. That simple reminder flooded me with peace today.
So there are some crumbs leftover from today's thoughts. From my heart to your eyeballs.
I think it's safe to say that you can be expecting a blog about the joy of baseball in the near future. Although, I probably say that every year and it never manifests anywhere other than my own brain. So we'll see.
TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Erin
I keep having dreams about Erin Cushman. She was Erin Rogers when I knew her. I haven't seen her in probably 5+ years, but we were good friends in high school and into college.
She and her husband lost her newborn baby a few months ago, and ever since, I randomly have dreams about her.
I've had 5 or 6 random dreams about her. Every time I have one, I wake up and think, "Oy! That was from God! I need to pray for her!" which is odd for me because I don't put that kind of weight or purpose behind any of my other dreams. But for some reason I feel like God gives me dreams about her so that I will pray.
In fact, last month I had a sad dream about Erin and Blair, woke up praying for them, then saw on Erin's fb that that day was the 3 month anniversary of the loss of their baby. Doesn't it blow your mind to see God work like that? I have virtually no connection to her anymore, yet He has laid it on my heart to be burdened for them. It's incredible.
Last night I had a dream that I was finally going to see her in real life for the first time years. There were lots of old North Highlands people there like Sadie and Pam Andersen. I talked to them, but every time I looked at Erin my eyes started welling up (aaand they are right now just thinking about it). When I finally got my chance to see her, I hugged her so tight and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I don't know that we even talked. I just cried. Then I woke up. It was 5am and my eyes were soaking wet. I have never had a dream where I've been crying in a dream and woke to find that I was crying in real life too. I grabbed my phone and wrote on her facebook wall that I was praying for her, then rolled over and prayed for her until I fell asleep again.
She and her husband lost her newborn baby a few months ago, and ever since, I randomly have dreams about her.
I've had 5 or 6 random dreams about her. Every time I have one, I wake up and think, "Oy! That was from God! I need to pray for her!" which is odd for me because I don't put that kind of weight or purpose behind any of my other dreams. But for some reason I feel like God gives me dreams about her so that I will pray.
In fact, last month I had a sad dream about Erin and Blair, woke up praying for them, then saw on Erin's fb that that day was the 3 month anniversary of the loss of their baby. Doesn't it blow your mind to see God work like that? I have virtually no connection to her anymore, yet He has laid it on my heart to be burdened for them. It's incredible.
Last night I had a dream that I was finally going to see her in real life for the first time years. There were lots of old North Highlands people there like Sadie and Pam Andersen. I talked to them, but every time I looked at Erin my eyes started welling up (aaand they are right now just thinking about it). When I finally got my chance to see her, I hugged her so tight and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I don't know that we even talked. I just cried. Then I woke up. It was 5am and my eyes were soaking wet. I have never had a dream where I've been crying in a dream and woke to find that I was crying in real life too. I grabbed my phone and wrote on her facebook wall that I was praying for her, then rolled over and prayed for her until I fell asleep again.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Group Dynamics
I'm not quiet!!!
I'm not a quiet person. I don't want to be labeled that. That's almost as bad as being labeled an introvert.
I'm not quiet. But I'm content to let other people talk. The E's need attention (I don't say that as a bad thing! That's just how they're charged!) so that's fine! I'm not going to fight for peoples' attention. But then again, we kinda tend to get overlooked by not being boisterous like them. Not that we can't be boisterous.
ugh. I just like talking to people one-on-one. I'm sorry. I do. I know that's ridiculous and seemingly impossible in this culture, when everything is so group-focused. I like knowing people, really knowing people. And honestly, I am probably intense because I'll kinda just ask people anything. I don't see why we can't be open and be real and...I mean, what's to hide or be embarrassed of? ...but i know most people don't think that way.
And don't you hate it when there's one person in a group of people that you'd really like to talk to, but can't? and don't you hate when there's one person in a group of people that melts your brain so that you can't function normally?
blah.
I don't know what i'm trying to say. Sara said to just write as if no one's reading, write for yourself. That's hard.
It's always weird for me when people mention that I work out as if they can tell. I don't feel like I look like that. I still feel small. I know I'm short, but I just still kinda feel like I did in junior high. I'm small and not quite the size of normal people. Somewhere between Hobbit and regular.
I kinda hate when people on facebook say "God is so good! I got the job!" or "God is so good! I got a new shoe!" Yo people, God is good ALL the time! ALLLLLLLL the time!! He's good when He doesn't give you what you want, He's so good that He DOESN'T give you what you want! He's not a genie. Yes, it's nice when things turn out the way we want, but either way it doesn't change the nature and character of God. He is good. All the time. So suck on that!
Here's a picture.
I'm not a quiet person. I don't want to be labeled that. That's almost as bad as being labeled an introvert.
I'm not quiet. But I'm content to let other people talk. The E's need attention (I don't say that as a bad thing! That's just how they're charged!) so that's fine! I'm not going to fight for peoples' attention. But then again, we kinda tend to get overlooked by not being boisterous like them. Not that we can't be boisterous.
ugh. I just like talking to people one-on-one. I'm sorry. I do. I know that's ridiculous and seemingly impossible in this culture, when everything is so group-focused. I like knowing people, really knowing people. And honestly, I am probably intense because I'll kinda just ask people anything. I don't see why we can't be open and be real and...I mean, what's to hide or be embarrassed of? ...but i know most people don't think that way.
And don't you hate it when there's one person in a group of people that you'd really like to talk to, but can't? and don't you hate when there's one person in a group of people that melts your brain so that you can't function normally?
blah.
I don't know what i'm trying to say. Sara said to just write as if no one's reading, write for yourself. That's hard.
It's always weird for me when people mention that I work out as if they can tell. I don't feel like I look like that. I still feel small. I know I'm short, but I just still kinda feel like I did in junior high. I'm small and not quite the size of normal people. Somewhere between Hobbit and regular.
I kinda hate when people on facebook say "God is so good! I got the job!" or "God is so good! I got a new shoe!" Yo people, God is good ALL the time! ALLLLLLLL the time!! He's good when He doesn't give you what you want, He's so good that He DOESN'T give you what you want! He's not a genie. Yes, it's nice when things turn out the way we want, but either way it doesn't change the nature and character of God. He is good. All the time. So suck on that!
Here's a picture.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Things I Wouldn't Say On Facebook
This won't be nearly as interesting as the title would leave you to believe. Though, I probably should be keeping a list of things I wanted to say, but thought best not to say on ole facebook.
All I was gonna say this time is that whenever I watch the newest Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightly (which I swear is not that often!) I always feel like the movie is just starting when it ends. Maybe that's because I've seen the long version and I feel like there should be more story, more depth. I don't know what it is, but when the credits roll, I'm always like, "Whaaaa?? But it JUST finally got started!" Sadness.
I haven't seen the BBC version in years, and I'd really love to watch it again, but I'm not sure that even I-I-I am manly enough to sit alone in the dark and watch that by myself. Hard to believe, huh? Ok, so I probably would do that, but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone!!
Another movie that I always wish was longer is Leap Year. I don't have the same feeling that it's just getting going when it's really just ending, but throughout the movie, I find myself enjoying it so much that I wish it was longer. I wish there were more scenes. I just want to soak it in a wee longer!
so yeah. Those are the kind of movies I enjoy. But if you know me, you probably already knew that anyway. If you don't know me, then surprise, I'm weird. Weird, but straight. Super straight.
Since this has been a particularly fruity post, to even it out, here's a ridiculously over-the-top manly picture from another of my favorite movies (that I haven't seen in years and years)
All I was gonna say this time is that whenever I watch the newest Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightly (which I swear is not that often!) I always feel like the movie is just starting when it ends. Maybe that's because I've seen the long version and I feel like there should be more story, more depth. I don't know what it is, but when the credits roll, I'm always like, "Whaaaa?? But it JUST finally got started!" Sadness.
I haven't seen the BBC version in years, and I'd really love to watch it again, but I'm not sure that even I-I-I am manly enough to sit alone in the dark and watch that by myself. Hard to believe, huh? Ok, so I probably would do that, but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone!!
Another movie that I always wish was longer is Leap Year. I don't have the same feeling that it's just getting going when it's really just ending, but throughout the movie, I find myself enjoying it so much that I wish it was longer. I wish there were more scenes. I just want to soak it in a wee longer!
so yeah. Those are the kind of movies I enjoy. But if you know me, you probably already knew that anyway. If you don't know me, then surprise, I'm weird. Weird, but straight. Super straight.
Since this has been a particularly fruity post, to even it out, here's a ridiculously over-the-top manly picture from another of my favorite movies (that I haven't seen in years and years)
Put. the. bunny. back. in. the. box.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I didn't cry!
I watched this this afternoon.
Wow. Now things are so...different.
I could write a book.
I could write a book.
Monday, February 21, 2011
I love that John Mark McMillan song "How He Loves". That's a perfect song. Sometimes I think it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like a worship song about us. It seems so us-centric. But the real joy in the song is that He loves us for His glory. He doesn't love us because we're lovely or anything. It's not about us, it's about Him, and isn't that absolutely refreshing? I know that's such a simple thought, but it always floors me.
And not only that, but loves us in spite of us. Man, that's awesome. What a loving God! Can I get a what what?
Another thing I love is that God cares about the dumb stuff that I feel like I shouldn't care about! I love that I can talk to Him about things that seemingly don't even have eternal significance, and He still cares. Blows my mind. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty that I care so much (or even at all, in some cases) about earthly stuff, yet He doesn't blow me off or laugh at me (like most guys would do) but instead He listens, loves and cares. I like talking to God.
oooh time for our team meeting! gotta run. TTFN!
And not only that, but loves us in spite of us. Man, that's awesome. What a loving God! Can I get a what what?
Another thing I love is that God cares about the dumb stuff that I feel like I shouldn't care about! I love that I can talk to Him about things that seemingly don't even have eternal significance, and He still cares. Blows my mind. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty that I care so much (or even at all, in some cases) about earthly stuff, yet He doesn't blow me off or laugh at me (like most guys would do) but instead He listens, loves and cares. I like talking to God.
oooh time for our team meeting! gotta run. TTFN!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Music
I think that even my music preferences are influenced by my personality type.
I just realized this last week.
I think that's why I don't like music like The Civil Wars or Dashboard or whatever.
Because I'm an INFJ, I feel things deeply. And I tend to be acutely empathetic.
When I listen to that music, I feel it. Not in the good way.
It's not the lyrics that do it, it's the music, the melody, the rhythm. The melody settles into me and I feel the desperation and sorrow in the music. There's an intangible quality about that music that feels so forlorn.
To be honest, the lyrics could be the greatest thing in the world. I love lyrics, but I feel the music. I empathize with the story the music speaks to me, even if that's not the musician's intent.
My heart just hears music in a certain way and that kind of stuff gets rejected by my ears because it makes me feel like all hope is lost.
Haha!! I can't really explain myself. And I'm sure you lot think I'm a nutter because ya'll don't hear it the way I do. I guess it's like how people look at art and can see completely different things or feel completely different things. Sometimes I just hear things differently than everyone else, and that's probably because I feel it more than hear it.
That's my relationship with music.
And yeah, it's weird.
I just realized this last week.
I think that's why I don't like music like The Civil Wars or Dashboard or whatever.
Because I'm an INFJ, I feel things deeply. And I tend to be acutely empathetic.
When I listen to that music, I feel it. Not in the good way.
It's not the lyrics that do it, it's the music, the melody, the rhythm. The melody settles into me and I feel the desperation and sorrow in the music. There's an intangible quality about that music that feels so forlorn.
To be honest, the lyrics could be the greatest thing in the world. I love lyrics, but I feel the music. I empathize with the story the music speaks to me, even if that's not the musician's intent.
My heart just hears music in a certain way and that kind of stuff gets rejected by my ears because it makes me feel like all hope is lost.
Haha!! I can't really explain myself. And I'm sure you lot think I'm a nutter because ya'll don't hear it the way I do. I guess it's like how people look at art and can see completely different things or feel completely different things. Sometimes I just hear things differently than everyone else, and that's probably because I feel it more than hear it.
That's my relationship with music.
And yeah, it's weird.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The World As Best As I Remember It
When I get to Heaven, I want to gather a group of saints and sit around and sing Rich Mullins songs until our hearts explode.
Actually, I'd like to do that on earth.
"And oh, I hear the voice of a million dreams
Then I wake in the world that I'm partly made of
And the world that is partly my homemaking
And oh, I hear the song of a heart set free
That will not be kept down
By the fury and sound
Of a world that is wasting away"
Actually, I'd like to do that on earth.
I do that by myself nearly every day, but I wonder what it'd sound like with all those voices and hearts mingling together in praise and passion.
So the moral of the story is...study up on your Rich now, ya'll, so we can jam out with Jesus later, ok?
Another hour deeper in the night, another mile down the road...we could be closer than you know.
So the moral of the story is...study up on your Rich now, ya'll, so we can jam out with Jesus later, ok?
Another hour deeper in the night, another mile down the road...we could be closer than you know.
"And oh, I hear the voice of a million dreams
Then I wake in the world that I'm partly made of
And the world that is partly my homemaking
And oh, I hear the song of a heart set free
That will not be kept down
By the fury and sound
Of a world that is wasting away"
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