Visible Imperfections

Mr. Chin

2012-01-18T10:51:00.000-06:00

Today has gone shockingly better than expected. I immediately want to take back that sentence because I think I way oversold that. What I meant to say is, Today's been reasonably better than I would have thought.

I was up late (for me) last night (10pm) packing up 60+ ebay items, and I had a storage auction at 8:30 this morning, so I planned to just sleep in and skip the gym. But when I woke up this morning, I saw that the auction was moved to tomorrow! That in itself was a blessing because today is full. (I have a Dr. appointment, a trip to the post office, a meeting with an accountant about the store, more ebay packaging & of course, work.) So having one less thing to squeeze in was a blessing!
So I decided to go to the gym after all.

Mr. Chin (I call him that in my head because he has a crazy chin) came up to me while I was working out and said, "Hey, I just wanted to say I see you in here every day, and I noticed you've really made some huge improvements! Is is just the dedication and keeping a log of your workouts or is it your diet or what is it?"
I laughed and said it certainly isn't the diet, that if anything, I need to do more cardio.
He said that he sees me all the time and it must be my dedication. I told him that I was in the gym probably 6 days a week, but I dont think I'm making any gains, if anything I'm just maintaining.
Then we talked about how it's pretty much impossible for us to see progress because we see ourselves every day and can't tell any change at all. He says that his wife (yeah this guy is straight! finally!) has to tell him that he's making gains because he can't tell either. He said that we have to hear it from other people, so he just wanted to come over and tell me that he definitely sees progress in me!

I know I don't see progress, and I don't think I've made the gains he's claiming he sees. I think it mighta just been the shirt I was wearing (We Bleed Maroon. Whoop!) But it was still an encouraging moment for me. A blessing.
I love Mr. Chin, and I do see him in there every morning. He's the kinda guy I'd like to be someday, if i ever get to be that old. Mid 40's. (oh and he also told me that I'm still just a kid, which was also nice to hear!) He's always talking to people. He knows everyone.
He's talked to me one other time before, when we were laughing about my tuxedo tshirt, but I've always secretly wished he'd be my friend.
I know that Dave Penny has a rep for being "the mayor of the gym" (but not on Foursquare, cuz that's me!) but Mr. Chin definitely has him beat! Friendliest guy ever. I wish I were that bold and friendly.
But I think as Christians we should just absorb and engage everyone around us, and that's what Mr. Chin does. He's always been a good encouragement and example of what we as Christians should look like in the world, people magnets. I doubt he's a Believer, but he's different. He's how I strive to be. So when I went to the post office afterward, I talked to Janet (my favorite postal worker) the entire time and engaged her as much as possible.

I know I don't share many personal stories with you, but that just made my day and encouraged the snot outta me, so I wanted to tell ya.

Maybe someday

2012-01-10T08:13:00.001-06:00

Maybe someday I'll finally get some more piercings. Some people love tattoos, I kinda love piercings. Nothing below the neck, cuz that's disgusting. what's wrong with you?
Since junior high I've wanted an eyebrow ring. I like the way they look. I know everyone else would completely disagree, but screw you, I like it! haha...I'm kidding! Don't screw you. Unless you're married. Then go ahead and knock yourself out!
But I think I'd also like a lip ring.
I want a lip ring on the right side of my lower lip and an eyebrow ring on the end of my left eyebrow. I'd have to finally figure out how to do my hair to match my piercings. I'd probably need longer hair, but I absolutely can't make that work.
I'm probably more likely to get rid of one of my piercing than to add more, but ya never know!
Maybe someday.

Also since junior high I've wanted to be in a band. Fine, a SKA band. Ya know, the kind of band that doesn't make any money anymore. But I'd be a really sucky musician because I would hate promoting myself. Humility and self promotion make my brain short-circuit. I know it's not wrong, I just can't make my brain reconcile the two. I see musician friends on facebook and twitter constantly talking about themselves and their music and how great it is. That's so not me. But I mean, good for you, musicians! You're good at doing at least 2 things that I can't do well!

I love being awake before the rest of the world. Makes me feel like I'm a king. Everyone's asleep, I'm awake, therefore I own the world. Sometimes I feel like Batman. I want to perch on the edge of a tall building and watch the city and make sure it's safe, sound and slumbering.
I don't understand how people spend their quiet time at any other time than the morning. It just doesn't make sense to me. The morning is when your soul is awake and hungry!

2012-01-06T21:58:00.001-06:00

You always hope your affections come across as flattering and maybe even sweet, but it seems more often than not it gets perceived as creepy and unwanted. It doesn't matter how pure your intentions are, it's all in how it's perceived and received...and that's out of your control.

That being said, there's a reason Proverbs beat you over the head about being wise. You shouldn't always act from your heart. That bugger is deceitful.

Its ridiculous, with as incredibly self-aware as I am, I still have giant gaps where I'm oblivious to how things are perceived, which is something I've been thoroughly taught to be aware of.
I just wish other people understood and saw and felt where I'm coming from. But they can't. They can only see through their lens, which means YOU have to see through their lenses in order to make sure you're being understood.

That's all. I wasn't really going anywhere with this. Just thinking out loud. Sorry to confuse you all.

Stupid sexy winter

2011-12-05T08:26:00.000-06:00

Winter is the worst season. It's so unnecessarily sexy. It's like having Valentines day 100+ days in a row. It's all snuggly, cuddly and romantic.
Don't get me wrong, I hate the cold just because it's cold. No one hates the cold more than me. Once that temperature drops under 60 degrees, I'm locked down and coated up for the next 4 months. It's miserable.
...but it's the kind of miserable you want to share with someone, unlike when it's hot.
It's pretty obvious to all us single folk that if you had someone to weather the weather with, it'd go from being the worst imaginable punishment to a world of absolute pleasure and romance.

So you have the unbearable, life-sucking cold and the constant in-your-face sexiness of winter. That's a double whammy of misery.

But now can I tell you something I love that's only half-way related to all of the aforementioned?

I love waking up at 5am, putting on my shorts and a t-shirt to go to the gym, and braving that 10-second walk to the car in ungodly temperatures. As much as I hate the cold, I weirdly savor that blast of painful, brutal cold first thing in the morning. It makes me mad, yet energizes me and gets me pumped to work out. I hate freezing my bottom off sitting on the ice-cold leather of my car. The drive to the gym is a mingling of pain, joy, and the will to survive. Everything in me is screaming that death is surely imminent, but my brain refuses to accept that and tells my heart to beat faster because we must persist!
I sing. Because the louder you sing, the warmers you get. Everyone knows that.
The wintery fingers of death begin to release their grip as warmth finally starts to spread through the car....which is about the time I pull into the gym parking lot and have to get right back out into the cold. But by the time I make it into the gym, I'm feeling pretty heroic for still being alive.

I love coming out of the gym and being blasted by that shock of cold air again. I always think there's no way it'll still feel cold to me with as sweaty and hot as I am, or if it's still cold, that it'll be refreshing and feel good. But no, when I step outside the gym doors, it's like God has decided that's a good time to teach me humility, and takes a swing at me with a blast of His coldest breath. Ah, I hate it! It's the greatest!
I love the seeing the billows of smokey breath pouring out of my mouth after a hard work out. It makes me feel like a dragon. When it's drizzly like today, I imagine that each drop of rain sizzles and steams like an egg on a frying pan when it hits my skin. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel alive, it softens my heart with gratitude for such little joys.

I hate winter.

American Football

2011-12-04T15:55:00.000-06:00

There shouldn't be fieldgoals. They need to change that. Fieldgoals are stupid. Everyone knows it. Quit being pansies and just go for it. It should be a rule that you HAVE to go for it. Wouldn't that be extra crazy exciting? Fieldgoals are just girly and weak. It's kinda like bunting in baseball. Except bunting can still be sexy. Fieldgoals are never sexy. They're like naps. They're just boring, dumb and lacking action.

Also, there shouldn't be extra points. You should have to go for 2 every time. That'd be the BEST! Thatd be so much fun!!

Furthermore, why don't the visiting team automatically get to CHOOSE whether they want to kick or receive? That seems more polite. "Hello, welcome to our home! Would you like to go first?" That's how we do it in baseball. We're gentlemen. Let the visitors go first. That also sends a message of confidence. It doesn't matter who goes first, because we're bout to put a whooping on you either way! But please, let's at least be polite about it.

Basketball needs to get rid of the free throw as well. Instead, they should just let the offended player retaliate. Eye for an eye, elbow for an elbow.

And hockey....oh, hockey does everything right. It's just that no one cares because it's too much like figure skating. I guess maybe they could try it without the skates. But then there wouldn't be that element of danger of someone getting their face chopped off, so I guess you really DO need the skates.

I don't want to call myself a sport genius, but how has no one ever thought of this stuff before??

Muppets, Wal-Mart, and Dimples

2011-12-03T22:46:00.001-06:00

I'm been meaning to blog every day for weeks.
Not that I actually have anything to say. I just wanted to get back in the swing of blogging.

I think of bits and pieces of things I'd like to say. I'll try to remember. It'll just be disjointed random thoughts. I promise not to reveal too much about myself, as is the goal. I don't want people to think they know me through my blog, if that makes sense. But then again, I doubt you can write anything without revealing something about yourself. I'd just rather people make the effort to know me. I'm a quality timer. sue me.

I had a dream that I took a girl on a date to Wal-mart. It was magical. I think we were going to get manicures there or something. If I ever find a girl that considers Wal-mart a good date, I'm sticking a ring on that finger so fast it'll make your head spin.

I'm watching Leap Year again right now for probably the 6th time this month. yeah. I have a problem. A problem called I-love-awesome-movies.

I'd love to marry someone else with big dimples. Our kids would look like golf balls. Cute, adorable little golf ball-faced children. awwww! I want some.

Why is lust always at the top of the sin list? Every Bible study or group I've ever been in, that's the sin that's discussed and attacked with the most frequency. And I'm NOT saying that's bad. But there is other sin that's just as destructive. Like what about pride? That's way less easy to spot in your own life than lust. Yet it steals our joy like none other. In fact, isn't most sin just a result of pride, stealing our own joy in an attempt to be happy instead? sad. Also, maybe instead of focusing on sin, we could focus on knowing Jesus deeper and deeper, because the more you know Him, the less appealing sin becomes. He increases, the sin decreases. But I guess I'm captain obvious.

People who don't have a tv and people who aren't on facebook sure do like to let you know it. I understand the necessity for less tv and social media, but don't let become a point of pride. I can see how it'd be an easy trap to become prideful or smug about that.

It's finally Chet Baker music weather. He's the sound of a mild winter. Warms my heart like a cup of musical hot chocolate.

One of the things I struggle with the most is knowing when to patiently wait on God and when to act. I want Him to guide, but I never want to use that as an excuse for not taking action. When is He teaching me patience and trust and when am I just being lazy or scared? I bet ya that's a common struggle amongst us feelers (as in INFJ).

Another of one of my most frustrating struggles is where the personality He's given me fits into the Kingdom. He made me the way I am for a reason, and it's difficult to understand why or how it fits. What do I do with this weird, funky, and oft-frustrating personality? What does my redeemed personality type look like? Hard to find concrete answers on stuff like that.

I saw a woman at work who was 6'6"!! It was awesome!!! I told Brian about her because I was so excited, and we went over and talked to her and asked her how tall she was. She said she's 5'11" but that had to be total bull. It had to be! My neck was at a complete 90-degree angle when looking up at her! For real, ya'll! It was amazing! ....and a billion times more interesting than this story was. sorry.

If I had the money, I'd get shoulder surgery. I don't know if I need it, but I bet I do. I bet I have bonespurs. I don't really know what those are, but I think I have them. It feels like what those sound like.

I don't like camping. Mostly because I always end up being sick for days afterward due to allergies. But also because I just kinda like being clean.

Any time anyone drinks wine, they post about it on facebook. I'm not sure anyone has ever had a glass of wine in their hand without having a facebook status pulled up with the other. The fact that you like wine actually doesn't make you classy and sophisticated.
Same goes to the college students who feel like adults because they drink.

I cried my eyes out during The Muppets. Yes, seriously. Never cried that much during a movie ever. and I have NO IDEA why. Before we left for the movies, I had been watching the DVD of the last Five Iron Frenzy concert that I went to in Denver, and at the end we sang worship songs and that got me all choked up. So maybe that popped the seals off my tearducts or something. But I teared up constantly for the first 30 minutes of the movie. I was just so happy, so glad the Muppets are back. Weird, isn't it? I watched a LOT of Muppets as a child and had all the music from the movies on cassette tape. It was just so joyous to see them back on the big screen as they should be. NOT like that Muppets in Space crap. I love that the movie was kinda based on reality as well. That was really cool. They nailed it. It was perfect. Bret Mackinze from Flight of the Conchords wrote the music, Jason Segel wrote the movie, and He & Amy Adams starred in it. How could you ask for more? Oh what? you wish Neil Patrick Harris and John Krasinski were in it? well guess what? THEY ARE! booooooya!

ok bye. I love you. yes, YOU.

Duets II

2011-09-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

I'm really, really digging the new Tony Bennett Duets II album. That's my favorite kind of music! And of course, I'm a sucker for a good duet!

I'm a bit ashamed to say that my favorite track might be the one with Lady Gaga. I had no idea she could actually sing! It's both disappointing and refreshing. But they did a smashing cover of "The Lady is a Tramp", which is only marred by the mention of freaking Derek Jeter. ##%^@!!! JETER!!! why??? why did they have to do that?? vomit. But still, the best song on the album!

Bennett also covered a couple of my favorite songs, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" & "It Had to Be You", which have also, not-coincidentally, been covered by Harry Connick Jr in decades past. Of course, anything Harry does is transcendent, but both these covers are pretty admirable attempts!

The Sheryl Crow song is melty and delicious. As are the Bocellli and Groban tracks.

"The Way You Look Tonight" might be my all-time favorite song. Top 5, for sure. Faith Hill's voice was gorgeous on this cover, but Tony's made me want to rip his throat out. So I won't be purchasing that one.

My least favorite track is probably "Body and Soul" with Amy Winehouse. I know I'm supposed to love her and whatever, but she didn't sound right. It was too high-pitched & nasally for my taste, which is odd because usually she really did have a beautiful, classic jazz voice.

Likewise, the song with Aretha Franklin is yucky.

I couldn't find a way to tweet my enjoyment of this album, so I blogged it. Let's face it, my opinions are awesome and need to be shared with the world, so, you're welcome.

God things

2011-04-28T10:17:00.002-05:00

Here's a couple neato speedo God things from this week.

The past week and especially last weekend I was really missing Joel. I hadn't talked to him in 9 months. I was missing him super bad. Monday morning I spent some time praying about our friendship and if God would please intervene and make us friends again somehow. and BOOM! that afternoon he texted me and we hung out and we're back to being brothers! That was a huge blessing. Beyond huge, actually. I have so badly needed that easy, laid-back fun friendship. I've really been struggling with feeling like anyone cares at church. I don't fit in. I'm not normal. I'm not cool. Heck, someone told me again on Sunday night that I'm weird. Yes, i am. I don't deny that. I don't even mind being weird. I just hate that it gets in the way of being accepted and being known and having real community. But whatever. Having Joel in my life is encouraging, and it may give me enough energy to keep trying with people at church even though I constantly feel discouraged about that.

On Tuesday, I was driving to work, praying about meeting with my boss to talk to him about the possibility of me working from home 4 days a week. I have a thousand reasons why I should and I can't think of even one reason why not. But I've been stressed out about my job since friday. So i was planning on trying to talk to him on tuesday. But when I made it in, he wasn't online. I checked several times and he wasn't online. About 10:30, HE im'd ME asking if I was in the office. (I only hear from my boss maybe once a month or so). He said he was coming up to our room, and I figured he was coming up to tell us that he was finally going to move us out of that room to cubicles downstairs with the rest of our team. ugh. That would be the worst thing. But when he came in the door, he announced that he was up there to give me a free Quaker Oats tshirt for processing the most request of anyone on the team in Period 4. So that was encouraging!! I mean, i haven't had even a one cent raise since I started there 4.5 years ago. But a tshirt is a nice gesture! I'd come in really discouraged and that was actually a big encouragement. I still need to meet with him about WFH though. Dreading that.

One other neato God thing that I have been meaning to blog about for ages happened last summer. Before we left for the ranch, I'd prayed several times that God would give us an opportunity to glorify Him through being able serve people. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I prayed that He'd bring someone to us that we could help and serve. Boom! When we were at Whataburger in Beeville, we met a homeless homie, talked with him and fed him. It was neat! And a really cool God opportunity because...homeless people in Beeville?? what're the odds? I think we even talked to Him about Jesus some too. I was really appreciative of God giving us that small chance to serve. And I never told Joel or Sara that I'd prayed for that. so boom. in your face.

God has been very, very, very kind to me this week. I've been crap but He's been so full of grace and mercy. I couldn't deserve it less, but He still loves me and is doing beautiful things around me. I love Him. I just wanted to say I'm thankful. cuz i am. and stuff.

Stinky Donkey Hugs

2011-04-21T12:56:00.002-05:00

I'm not good at being friends with a ton of people.
I prefer depth over...I don't know....activity, I guess? Everyone is so activity-driven.Volleyball, soccer, Red River, karaoke. Blah. It just leaves my soul constantly starved for quality time.
It sounds evil, but I don't want a lot of friends. Yeah that sounds horrible. Like something Hitler probably would have said.
But i don't. I can't keep up. I feel like I'm drowning. Pressure to go to every event or else you miss out and people won't know you or care about you and they'll care about other people more and you'll be forgotten and you won't ever get that depth. It's too much. I want to just quit.
In fact, it's even a struggle for me to be close with people who have a billion friends. How can you have depth with that many people? Is that really depth? I don't know...I don't know how you can feel close to someone like that. Attention is so divided. Affection is so divided. How can you really invest in someone and get to know them so deeply? Better yet, how could you let so many people know you deeply?
I want to be known, but I'm not easy to know. I want to know that people really care before I open up. And how do I know people really care? Spending quality time with me. But people with so many friends don't have that kind of time or energy. So it ends up being frustrating, disappointing and draining for idiots like me.

geez I hate my personality. I'd so love to be normal please.

It's one of those days where I can't keep up. I want to just quit twitter, delete facebook, flush my phone and peace out.
Just move away without saying a word to anyone. I'll go get a little cabin somewhere in interlaken and I'll tell people about Jesus during the day and read books at night.

I just want a few close friends whose idea of a good time is sitting around playing Monopoly together on a Friday night. (pajamas optional). That's all I really want. Friends to laugh and play board games with.
Doesn't that seem simple? In reality, that's one of the most convoluted, difficult requests ever.

Haha....I'm nowhere near as bitter as I probably sound! Hopefully I don't sound that way. But too bad if that's how you read it, cuz it's my blog and I can say whatever I want.
Like "stinky donkey hugs."
I could say that if I wanted to. But I don't. Cuz I'm way more classy than that.

Jingleberries

2011-04-18T08:46:00.001-05:00

Who's ready for another downer blog? yaaaaaaaaay!!!! hahahaa!! This is basically the same thing I wrote last monday morning, and the same thing I'll probably end up writing next monday morning.
Monday morning are the pits! Especially when you've just run out of cinnamon-burst cheerios. grrr!

Might I preface everything I'm about to say by first saying that I know that this stuff doesn't matter, I know life isn't about me, I know I should suck it up, and I will.
Sometimes the small things add up and hang heavy on your heart and you just have to scrap it off, so you can quit focusing on yourself. This is how I do that.

I've been ignored a lot lately and it's gotten to me. It's wicked discouraging because it's been the people I think care about me. When the few people who I thought cared kinda blow me off, it makes me want to quit trying altogether. I go to every thing I can, I go out of my comfort zone, I try to give as much as I can, I try to be fun and outgoing. It's exhausting. and what do I have to show for it? nada.

I can't possibly try harder. I show up to everything I can! I try to be as kind as possible. I try to give. And yeah, people are nice to my face, and it'll make me feel nice, and I'll feel like we're friends...but.....yeah...
For instance, there's one person who is SO nice to everyone, everyone loves them. They love Jesus like crazy. But they've never been nice to me. Oh and I've tried! Had a conversation like this once:
Me: Hey do you know so-and-so?
Them: Yeah they were my roommate in college.
Me: no way!! I've known them since high school! we grew up in the same church! That's so crazy!
Them: yeah, that's weird.
It's discouraging when everyone freaking LOVES someone who couldn't care less about you. I've tried and tried with this person. I'll respond to their tweets occasionally, twice in the past week, but I never get a response back. They respond to everyone else. But not me. What is WRONG with me?? I'm trying to be nice and friendly....aren't I??
I was texting with another friend last week about something they'd suggested we do and they said they needed to get back to work and we'd talk about it after work. I texted "Okay! But don't forget cuz I'm really excited!!"
Never heard from them again.

I was having another conversation last week and they suggested that we could finish the conversation on the phone while they were driving out of town. I told them to let me know when they left town and I'd see if I was free, and if I wasn't, maybe we could talk on their way back.
yup. They didn't let me know when they left town or when they came back.

(Both times it was their suggestion, so it wasn't like I was being annoying and overbearing and forcing myself on them or anything.)

I was texting with this person yesterday and I asked them a question around 5 and then never heard from them again. blah.

I texted another friend on friday, asked a question and never got a response.

Ignoring my previous text, they texted me saturday night to let me know what people were up to, I texted back immediately, thanked them, told them that I was hanging with my family that night, and asked if they wanted to hang out soon since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. And of course, no response.

Then there is another friend that I had texted last week and asked about something going on in their life.
No response.

It feels like NHBC again, because it's like someone has been out there badmouthing me and spreading vicious rumors so that, unbeknown to me, everyone is avoiding me and distancing from me while I, like a fool, am trying to friendly.

none of those are big deals in and of themselves. I wouldn't care at all if it was occasional things. But when it feels like it's everyone, it hurts. When it's the people I felt like cared, I feel stupid. It's hard not to feel like a jerk, a burden. It's really hard not to feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I asked three 3 different people questions and all of them just ignored me. That sucks. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You wouldn't ignored someone who's talking to you in real life, why is this different? I don't mind if you're busy and it takes you time to respond, but to just blow me off altogether is a bit hurtful. Makes me feel like I deserve. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.

It's just on top of everything else because I already feel like I try and try and try and try...and it makes no difference. I already feel like I care about people who pretty much have no interest in being friends. I hate being the only one who feels. It makes me feel completely stupid. I'll enjoy spending time with someone so much only to find out it didn't matter to them at all. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I good enough? How am I so easily forgotten?

I'm sure these people wouldn't say they were ignoring me, rather that they just forgot about me. Is there really any difference? Is it any less hurtful to simply be forgotten? Though I do think I was purposefully ignored on a couple occasions. It's just absolutely discouraging because I'm simply trying to be a good friend. That's all. But I'm being treated like I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden.

I've always said that I would prefer people not even be nice to me if they don't care about me. I don't want to get excited thinking that I have a friend, thinking I have someone who'll want to hang out, someone who cares when in all actually, they have enough friends and are just being nice to me.
Dont.
Don't be nice. Don't act like you care more than you do. Because I'll believe you. I trust people way more than I should, even despite being burned over and over. Even still, I know these people could blow me off consistently then come up and give me a hug and I'd be like, "awww, they really DO care!"

Nothing makes me feel marginalized as being ignored. I'd rather be hated or told to go away than be marginalized or humored. At least then you know where you stand. Then you don't have that false hope of friendship.

I'm just crazy discouraged. I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, so please don't think that. I'm not putting all my hope on one or two people. I've just been getting blown off a lot lately. I already feel like my homegroup kinda thinks I'm a joke and they don't really try to know me. And that's fine. I'm not an open book. I need people to try. It's when the people who have made some effort push me aside, that it stings.

I hate this whole scene. seriously, it makes me want to quit. Just stop. I'm not going to, but it makes me want to stop texting anyone, stop tweeting, stop showing up, etc. Just stop. If I'm the only one going to make the effort, then what's the point?
But no one ever tells you that you're going to be the only one trying, no one ever tells you that they don't care as much as you do, no one is going to tell you that you don't matter as much as their other friends and you'll be taking a backseat to them
Those are just things you have to find out. And that always hurts.

I'm pretty guarded already. But that stuff makes me want to just shut off and not let anyone know me.

Ok, I'm done. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just needed to get that out of my head. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about it. I'm turning the self-centeredness off now.
Can I say that the BEST parts of last week (besides hanging out with my sister and brother!) was the encouraging comment I got from Hannah on my blog and the phone conversation I had with Abbey. That girl cracks me up. She'd make a good black person. But i guess it's too late for that.

I'm gonna go pray and spend some time with Jesus. Peace out, my homies.

Top of the Pops

2011-04-10T20:48:00.001-05:00

Hey, here's some tops. The definitive best. I have done painstaking research just for your edification and knowledge. Tuck this handy info away in your back of your brain and save it for a rainy day. As always, these are in exact order, with one being the best.

Top 5 Christmas Movies
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Elf
3. Christmas Vacation
4. A Christmas Story
5. Home Alone

Top Football Players of all-time
1. Brett Favre
2. Tiki Barber

Top 3 Characters on The Office
1. Creed Bratton
2. Andy Bernard
3. Kevin Malone

Top 3 Characters on Parks & Rec
1. Andy Dwyer
2. Tom Haverford
3. April Ludgate

Top 3 Back To The Future Movies
1. Back to the Future 2
2. Back to the Future 1
3. Back to the Future 3

S and N Conversations

2011-04-10T20:33:00.002-05:00

Guy conversations and girl conversations are so different.

Guys tend to talk about what I'd say is the "S" part of their personality. The facts and details, like sports, finances, work, themselves, jokes, etc.
Girls tend to talk about the "N" part of their personality. Things like emotion, things that move them, relationships, people in their lives, etc.

I like sports but I've never put much importance on job, career, money like I think most dudes do. I don't say that in a proud way, because I think that's probably taken to such extremes that it's a flaw of mine. Instead, I place more importance in relationships, friends, people.

Last weekend, I listened to more of the S-inclined friends talk about finances, which is an interesting conversation to have from time-to-time, but that's not where my heart is. But they all agreed on financial advice that I wouldn't consider wise like credit cards, buying brand new cars, and taking out a second mortgage. Maybe I'm a dummy, but I don't see wisdom in any of those things. But they, honestly, are all smarter than me and they think those things are wise, so maybe I'm just even more clueless that I realize.

ok bye!

INFJ + Quality Time = suck.

2011-04-10T18:23:00.006-05:00

Yeah this might be another blog exploring the misfortune of my personality. But it's also a blog I could probably write at the end of every weekend, because I seem to always end up feeling the same way.

I think the key words would be: discouraged, longing, and overwhelmed.

Despite the fun I have every weekend and the good interactions, I tend to walk away feeling insignificant.
I have that longing in me to be known and to be close to people, to love and be loved. I get that in small doses. But with a love language as awful as quality time, I don't get near enough of that. With the people I love, I don't get enough. There's not enough time, not enough depth, not enough quality. I devour what I get, but I always want more.

The problem with running with people who have tons of friends is that it's hard to know if you matter. I realize that just because I care about them and really, really enjoy my time with them, that doesn't mean it matters as much to them, or even at all. Which kinda makes me feel stupid for enjoying it so much when it doesn't mean anything to them. Just because I love doesn't mean I'm loved. They have much closer, more fun friends than me, so why should I matter?
i want to belong. i want to be wanted. Guess I need to be more like Dennis. He's always wanted.

I don't know if it's the people I'm with or the age I'm at or what, but apparently it's not always appropriate to ask girls to just hang out. There are all these weird rules and I feel like I can't keep up. I'd really like to be liked for who I am, even though I am a bit odd. Hey, I love who I am, but I realize it's not exactly normal. That's a-ok by me! But I need friends too!

Here's how I see it. I'm soft, with hard edges. Most guys are hard, with soft edges. I love being with my guys, I really do, it's so much fun! But at the end of the day, I want to relax, let my guard down and be me. Me is soft. (yeah i realize that's an ambiguous term) I want to be with other soft people, but yeah, those people tend to be female. I want to be with people like me. I want that deeper friendship. But that's considered inappropriate a lot of times. and then what if you ARE interested or what if you become interested? Then it looks like your whole motivation wasn't friendship, it was something more, something creepier. ugh. It feels like I kinda can't win. I want to be friends with females, but sometimes I'm also interested in females, which makes me and my intentions look so shady.

eh. I'm just discouraged today, I guess. I texted several people this morning and most of them didn't even respond to me. I realize that's not a big deal, but I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. ooooh...i hate admitting that. I'm just being real because i need to get all this off my heart somehow.
It's hard not to always feel like I need to be more than I am, need to be better, need to be more fun, more outgoing, more Godly, funnier, etc.,etc,etc. If I was who people wanted me to be, then they'd care about me more and they'd respond to me, and I'd get invited places more often. I'm not good enough to be included, despite my best efforts.
But yo, I'm just me. I'm not going to try and be another version of myself so people will like me. I just wish people liked me for me. I wish I was good enough. But I'm just me. *sigh*
hahaha....not that I'm hated or unliked! I try to be the best friend I can be, but so often it seems like it doesn't matter. Even at this age, it still seems like being cool and popular is what matters. Just being you isn't enough. You have to be fun and outgoing and popular. And that's not me, so....I don't know...does that mean I'll never be fully accepted or never have real friends? Surely not. But it definitely feels that way sometimes.

My quality timeiness just wants more. I only get that once every week or two and I never know when it'll happen, or when it'll happen again. My heart hates that. My heart wants to be able to get that when I need it, or at least know WHEN I'll be able to get that. I just need it though, it refreshes my soul. I feel like I'm always pouring out, but sometimes I need to be poured into. eh. Maybe that's self-centered.

So i'm an INFJ. There are fewer of my personality types than any other. Only 1-3% of the population are INFJs. That's kinda a lonely feeling because we so badly want to be understood.
I think being around people ALL the time, yet rarely without the depth or quality that I crave creates an even more voracious thirst for that within me than if I'd been alone by myself for days instead of with people. That's part of being an INFJ with a quality time love language. We are crazy complex, which sometimes just flat-out sucks. Anyway, here are some quotes about my personality from various websites that I think describe me to a T.

"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them."

"Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness."

"They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves."

Hahah! I love that it talks about us being private and here I am just being brutally honest with ya'll. haha! But I do think it's true, because I tend to only be open with people who really act like they care. I guess I kinda make people fight for it a little bit. I'm more than willing to be open and let you know me, but you have to try.
anyway, that's my heart today. And i love that it always describes us as so complicated that we can't understand ourselves. I feel that way all the time. It's frustrating.
I hate all this, I may delete this post later because it feels whiny, mopey, and girly. But in all actuality i don't feel that way at all! I'm pretty dang happy, even if i do feel a touch discouraged today!

And I'd be remiss if i didn't say that I LOVE studying how God designed all of us so intricately. It blows up my heart to see how we can be studied and known. I love the thought, care, love and detail that went into making us. I love seeing the small, weird things that make us, us. He is good. It blows my mind seeing His design like that. I love who He me made me to be, even if it's frustrating at time. He is SO good!

Also, i hate double entendres. Guy love them, but they wear me out and I don't like them. Inappropriate or am i crazy?

and also also, I'm REALLY good at giving animals names.

I named this kitten Jingle. He's 6 days old today.

Hey, anyone want a kitten?

Shutin' it down

2011-03-08T09:26:00.000-06:00

This may be a blog I've written before. Probably because it's a lesson that I have to re-learn at least once every year. I've been meaning to write this for the last couple weeks or so.

    I think if I could offer one piece of advice it would be, wear sunscreen. hahaha...I crack myself up! I couldn't resist that. No, my advice is to seek the silence. Seek the silence relentlessly. It's so important, especially in the age we live in.
    I say this from my own personal experience. I have a job where it would be easy to sit and watch movies or listen to music or radio while I work all day. That's a huge temptation because it's easy. It's way easier to just tune out, turn off my brain and be entertained. As much as I know I need to just sit in silence, that temptation to just not think is there.
   In examining what stirs my heart for Christ and what kills my affection, I've found that not getting enough silence absolutely kills that affection. After going through a period of constantly indulging in the noise, then shutting it down and sitting in silence for the majority of every day, I slowly start to feel more of my personality coming back, which I didn't realize had been deadened by the constant barrage of input into my brain. I can feel my creativity, intuition, and cognitive skills slowly breathe to life and grow stronger and stronger. I never even realize how much of my soul and life has been sucked out of me by the busyness of my ears and eyes.
       Now, I know that my own personal temptation is that of occupying my mind with pointless entertainment, but I think it can have the same effect if you're simply around people all day. I'm not sure it really matters what the input is, too much input deadens you, and steals your joy without you even realizing most of the time.
   I don't think this is just a personality thing, even if it probably does come more naturally to introverts. I don't think our spirits were meant to just absorb, absorb, absorb. We have to shut it all down and let our souls and brains breathe. Our souls crave that quiet time to be alone with their Maker. It's seriously amazing how God will open up our hearts and really speak so clearly when we just sit and be still. He breathes life into in those moments.
    I also think we need that time alone to determine (or remember) who we are, away from all the influences that we judge ourselves by. It's good to get alone and re-focus on His heart, re-focus on who He's made us to be and His purposes for us, so that we can go back out there and live with intent instead of just living life.

That's my two cents. Instead of letting other people and entertainment sculpt your thoughts and be mirrors that shape your self image, let the Holy Spirit talk to you. Let Him show you who you are. Make time to let Him speak.

Just saying. Nothin' ya'll didn't know. Nothing that isn't extremely obvious.
But that's always heavy on my heart, because it's a fight and I have to be consistent and intentional about it. It doesn't always come easy. It's not something I always want to do, but in the end, it's always worth it. It always results in beauty and more life. It's something we can't embrace deeply enough.

ok goodbye.

Top 5 Best Instruments

2011-03-04T13:02:00.000-06:00

Top Five Best-Sounding Instruments in exact order:

1. Violin
2. Piano
3. Classical Guitar
4. Hammered Dulcimer
5. Saxophone

I am the catfish (koo koo ka choo!)

2011-03-04T12:10:00.000-06:00

Life with me is two things: always awkward. never boring.

So if I say "I really enjoyed talking with you! Can we hang out more often?"
and she responds with "Yeaaaah, see, the thing is, I'm bad at being friends with guys, sooo...um..."

...that's bad, right? Unless I'm mistaken, I'm pretty sure that's the nice girl way of saying "NEVER. AGAIN."

HAHA!! Oh the power of my unbridled awkwardness strikes again! The brilliant, unyielding potency of my awkwardness has produced another fine filet of unflattering happenstance!

Hahaha, but really I'm fine with it! I'm gifted at unintentionally making people uncomfortable! If you learn to embrace it, then it just makes life interesting!
I don't TRY to make things weird, I really don't. That would be mean. In fact, it seems like the more couth I attempt to be, the more maladroit things become! So I just gotta be me, love God & love people, and embrace the awkwardness that I inevitably produce.

Awkwardness is the spice of life, adding flavor to every moment. Really, you should be jealous that you haven't been endowed with this beautiful, reckless gift!

Now that I think about it, I might be my own catfish, unwittingly and ceaselessly making my own life more unexpectedly interesting than it need be.
(ok more people need to see that movie so that I actually make sense to someone when I say that!)

Till the next awkward adventure, peace out ya'll!

Big people small God

2011-03-03T11:11:00.001-06:00

I feel like today could be another bloggy day, so brace yourself. Hopefully I'm wrong. Although, generally, when I'm blogging a lot, I'm also doing really well spiritually. Not exactly sure how those two are connected, but that seems to be the pattern.

In reading what I loving call "when big people small big god" (or any semblance of those words because it's too hard to think of the actual title) I have questions. To be fair, I haven't finished the book, but still, it's ok to have questions, right?
Does fear of man account for personality? Like, God gave us our particular personalities, correct? Some people are introverts and dreadfully shy, does that mean they suffer horribly from the fear of man or is that just part of their God-given personality? I'm an introvert, and though not terribly shy, I can be shy on occasion I guess, but is that sinful?
    I just wonder where that line is, because the questions in the book are like "Do you get embarrassed around people? Do you care what people think of you?"
    And I'm like, "Ok crap. Sometimes I'm kinda quiet. That means I must be shy, so that means I must be embarrassed!! oh NO!!! Something is wrong in my heart!!!!"
      And honestly, I feel like I really don't care what people think, but then again, what if it's an attractive, Godly lady? That is when I run the risk of being shy. And it might not even be as much shyness as it is just being incapacitated by their beauty. It's like my brain melts. Is that sinful? Is that fear of man? It's a physiological reaction to intense physical beauty! "You're beautiful? You Love Jesus? Oh and you have a great personality and you're hilarious too?" excuse me while I completely lose the ability to speak!
Is that still a heart issue? And if that is a physiological reaction, didn't God design me that way? #confused
    It seems like that'd be like saying that you have a heart issue because you get hot when you're near the sun!

But would it be wrong to care what a lady thinks?? Is it wrong to want to impress a woman?? The book isn't specific about that situation. It just makes it sounds like if you've ever cared what any person ever thinks about you, then you're wrong. And maybe I am! and if that is wrong, how do you change that?? aren't we supposed to want to pursue a woman and want to impress her and all that good stuff?
   Not that you should change who you are, certainly not. You should be yourself. But at the same time, I'm not going to dress like a hobo like I might when I'm at home. Is it sinful to put your best foot forward? and what about makeup for the ladies? Isn't wearing makeup a sign of the fear of man? (almost literally! ha!)
      I have a feeling that I'm putting my ignorance on blast right now. But it raises those kind of questions for me.
But I sure do love that book. It stirs my affections. Especially chapter 6, which just so happens to be the chapter we're covering in homegroup next week! excited!

peace out. gotta get some work done.

The Hot People

2011-03-01T14:27:00.000-06:00

The bad thing about being really hot is that you don't know who to trust. (I mean, I assume. Obviously, that's not exactly my area of experience.) Unless you don't know you're hot. Then you trust everyone, and that's scary!

    I always admired it when ladies who are gorgeous didn't realize they're gorgeous.
But these days I think that's maybe not as cool and humble as it initially seems, and actually a bit dangerous.

Because when you're really beautiful, you're a magnet for all kinds of creepiness and sketchiness. And if you don't realize that people are drawn to you for your looks, you probably end up trusting the wrong people at points. That can't end well, right? ew. That gives me chills.
   On the other hand, I bet that when you're gorgeous you're probably also really perspective and discerning because you've always had to read peoples' underlying intentions your whole life. So I think it really can make you a stronger person!
People that are hot and know they're hot get a bad rap because people assume that they're arrogant, cocky and have an easier life. Maybe that's true sometimes, but I bet those people might actually have it harder.

If I were hot, I bet it'd be a struggle to be myself, because 1.) I wouldn't know who to trust and what people's real intentions were. What are they really after? Would they be as nice to me if I looked like a monkey? even beyond the opposite gender. I think it would add a level of stress to friendships in general. and 2.) people would just automatically be more inclined to like me without ever knowing the real me. I wouldn't have to be me because everyone would always be accepting and welcoming. You could hide inside that pretty persona so easily. The opposite gender probably wouldn't expect as much from you. So how do you be you? Do you have people pressing on you to be who you are when you're hot?

And what if people think they like you for you, but what if they don't actually know the real you? what if it's really just your beauty that's drawing them in, and they don't even realize that? So if they don't know that their intentions aren't entirely pure, how could you know that? That would be hard.
Geez, for all the beauty God's painted into this world, so much darkness still remains in our hearts. Ick. Jesus needs to come back and back it all right. So I'm sorry, pretty people, for giving you such a bad rap in my own mind all these years.

I'm just glad I'm not hot.
...but i DO smell good. *gasp* I wonder if people are only friends with me because they love my sweet, manly aroma??

...eh. i'm ok with that.

The Little Things

2011-03-01T09:30:00.002-06:00

It seems like it's always the simplest things that strike my heart the deepest.

This morning my heart is humming with gratitude for His friendship, for being called His son. I am so thankful for His enduring grace, but this morning I'm really thankful that He didn't just give us grace and mercy and walk away. That alone is a gift we could never deserve, but He didn't even stop there, He gave us Himself, He gave us friendship with God.
It would enough that He saved us, but He cares about the stuff that even I find myself feeling dumb for caring about.

I LOVE that!

I love the times when you can see the active hand of God in the little details of things that you didn't realize you cared about. Or sometimes I'll feel like I've prayed about something from every possible angle, so that there is nothing I haven't prayed about or asked for in a given situation, and then He'll go and do something small and delightful that I could never have even conceived of! It blows my heart into a million pieces to see the creativity and tenderness that goes into gifting us those moments! (I wonder if does that stuff because He knows I'm a feeler and that it stirs my heart like crazy? Also, I wonder if most people notice those little things or if they would attribute them to God wooing them?)

I think I always tend to feel a certain amount of guilt (or maybe that's not the right word) when I find myself concerned with my life here on earth. I often feel like I'm not supposed to care. I should be focused on eternity, focused on the big picture, I shouldn't worry about my comfort or my desires so much because that's not my purpose here. I need to focus on things of eternal significance. I feel that weight so much that a lot of times I feel guilty and unfocused when I'm concerned about temporal things here.

(And that's probably good to an extent though, because my heart is like cookie monster sometimes, it's a crazy person and just wants what it wants, regardless of logic. So I thank God for a bit of gravity in my thinking!)

But days like today, it's overwhelming to see Him play an active role in the little things in my life that show me that He loves me so deeply that even my little quirks, preferences, and silly desires matter to Him. Often I feel like they shouldn't even matter to me, but He takes the time to show me that they matter to Him! I find so much freedom in the experience of a love that deep! He never ceases to amaze me and blow my mind.

yeah. that's all. have a swell day! drink some Pepsi!

The Leftovers

2011-02-28T21:28:00.002-06:00

Here are remnants from the thoughts strolling through my mind today.

I ran across my favorite (hmm...well it's in my top 5 at least) Relient K lyric again yesterday. I hadn't heard it in long time. It's so funny too, because they jam this poignant line in at the end of a lighthearted song. I love those guys!
"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am"
   That connects with me on several levels. It's such an accurate description of who I am now, particularity after NHBC.
I don't want people to think they know me or assume anything about me. I want them to actually know me.
If someone knows me for who really am, then I could care less if they like me or not. Just as long as their opinion is based on who I really am, and not just their perception. Percieve me for who I am, not for who you think I am by what you see. Cuz that way, I'm totally fine with you not liking me. I'm still just gonna be me. I just want to be understood....which is the title of another Relient K song on the same album as the aforementioned. ooh let me look up those lyrics!
"You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"
There's a great line from "I Am Understood?" That's also the song with the killer chorus: You looked into my life and never stopped..." Oh mercy! yes! Love it.

Another rumination from today: I wonder if my personality has been more shaped by who I don't want to be rather than by who I do want to be? Or maybe that's the same thing. One of the strongest qualities of my personality type is that of the observer. We notice things, we take things in, we analyze, we read between the lines. We're sponges. We kinda absorb things about people. I wonder if the drawback to that attribute is that I notice the qualities, eccentricities, or actions of other people and subconsciously think, "Ooh, i don't want to be like that!" Not to say that I'm judging them, it just sparks something in my mind that tells me not to be like that in my life.
   Conversely, I do look notice qualities in other people that I admire and want to emulate in my own life!
   But beyond just being an observer by nature, I also learn best by example, so it's natural for me to learn from watching people and seeing how certain qualities manifest in their life. It's easier to apply to myself that way. I love looking at Jesus and see how He loved and how He served, etc. I love looking at Chandler and Patterson and seeing how they love their wives. At the same time it's almost just as helpful to me to look at someone who doesn't love their wife as well I'd hope to and learn from the ways that they're failing.
Does that make sense?
hahah..yeah! It does. To meeeeeee! hahaha!! and too bad if it doesn't, because I don't feel like trying to explain further. It's exhausting being in my head all day. You should try it.

A thought today that brought me SO much peace and satisfaction: I am not my own. My life isn't mine.
I love that. Simple, but overwhelming. That simple reminder flooded me with peace today.

So there are some crumbs leftover from today's thoughts. From my heart to your eyeballs.
I think it's safe to say that you can be expecting a blog about the joy of baseball in the near future. Although, I probably say that every year and it never manifests anywhere other than my own brain. So we'll see.

TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!

E-I-E-I Oh!

2011-02-28T13:41:00.002-06:00

If E's wants E's, and I's want E's, who wants I's?

Erin

2011-02-27T09:06:00.001-06:00

I keep having dreams about Erin Cushman. She was Erin Rogers when I knew her. I haven't seen her in probably 5+ years, but we were good friends in high school and into college.

She and her husband lost her newborn baby a few months ago, and ever since, I randomly have dreams about her.

I've had 5 or 6 random dreams about her. Every time I have one, I wake up and think, "Oy! That was from God! I need to pray for her!" which is odd for me because I don't put that kind of weight or purpose behind any of my other dreams. But for some reason I feel like God gives me dreams about her so that I will pray.

In fact, last month I had a sad dream about Erin and Blair, woke up praying for them, then saw on Erin's fb that that day was the 3 month anniversary of the loss of their baby. Doesn't it blow your mind to see God work like that? I have virtually no connection to her anymore, yet He has laid it on my heart to be burdened for them. It's incredible.

Last night I had a dream that I was finally going to see her in real life for the first time years. There were lots of old North Highlands people there like Sadie and Pam Andersen. I talked to them, but every time I looked at Erin my eyes started welling up (aaand they are right now just thinking about it). When I finally got my chance to see her, I hugged her so tight and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I don't know that we even talked. I just cried. Then I woke up. It was 5am and my eyes were soaking wet. I have never had a dream where I've been crying in a dream and woke to find that I was crying in real life too. I grabbed my phone and wrote on her facebook wall that I was praying for her, then rolled over and prayed for her until I fell asleep again.

Group Dynamics

2011-02-25T23:03:00.001-06:00

I'm not quiet!!!
I'm not a quiet person. I don't want to be labeled that. That's almost as bad as being labeled an introvert.
I'm not quiet. But I'm content to let other people talk. The E's need attention (I don't say that as a bad thing! That's just how they're charged!) so that's fine! I'm not going to fight for peoples' attention. But then again, we kinda tend to get overlooked by not being boisterous like them. Not that we can't be boisterous.

ugh. I just like talking to people one-on-one. I'm sorry. I do. I know that's ridiculous and seemingly impossible in this culture, when everything is so group-focused. I like knowing people, really knowing people. And honestly, I am probably intense because I'll kinda just ask people anything. I don't see why we can't be open and be real and...I mean, what's to hide or be embarrassed of? ...but i know most people don't think that way.

And don't you hate it when there's one person in a group of people that you'd really like to talk to, but can't? and don't you hate when there's one person in a group of people that melts your brain so that you can't function normally?

blah.

I don't know what i'm trying to say. Sara said to just write as if no one's reading, write for yourself. That's hard.

It's always weird for me when people mention that I work out as if they can tell. I don't feel like I look like that. I still feel small. I know I'm short, but I just still kinda feel like I did in junior high. I'm small and not quite the size of normal people. Somewhere between Hobbit and regular.

I kinda hate when people on facebook say "God is so good! I got the job!" or "God is so good! I got a new shoe!" Yo people, God is good ALL the time! ALLLLLLLL the time!! He's good when He doesn't give you what you want, He's so good that He DOESN'T give you what you want! He's not a genie. Yes, it's nice when things turn out the way we want, but either way it doesn't change the nature and character of God. He is good. All the time. So suck on that!

Here's a picture.

Things I Wouldn't Say On Facebook

2011-02-24T07:52:00.001-06:00

This won't be nearly as interesting as the title would leave you to believe. Though, I probably should be keeping a list of things I wanted to say, but thought best not to say on ole facebook.

All I was gonna say this time is that whenever I watch the newest Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightly (which I swear is not that often!) I always feel like the movie is just starting when it ends. Maybe that's because I've seen the long version and I feel like there should be more story, more depth. I don't know what it is, but when the credits roll, I'm always like, "Whaaaa?? But it JUST finally got started!" Sadness.
      I haven't seen the BBC version in years, and I'd really love to watch it again, but I'm not sure that even I-I-I am manly enough to sit alone in the dark and watch that by myself. Hard to believe, huh? Ok, so I probably would do that, but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone!!
      Another movie that I always wish was longer is Leap Year. I don't have the same feeling that it's just getting going when it's really just ending, but throughout the movie, I find myself enjoying it so much that I wish it was longer. I wish there were more scenes. I just want to soak it in a wee longer!
     so yeah. Those are the kind of movies I enjoy. But if you know me, you probably already knew that anyway. If you don't know me, then surprise, I'm weird. Weird, but straight. Super straight.
      Since this has been a particularly fruity post, to even it out, here's a ridiculously over-the-top manly picture from another of my favorite movies (that I haven't seen in years and years)

Put. the. bunny. back. in. the. box.

I didn't cry!

2011-02-22T16:32:00.001-06:00

I watched this this afternoon.

Wow. Now things are so...different.
I could write a book.

2011-02-21T09:29:00.001-06:00

I love that John Mark McMillan song "How He Loves". That's a perfect song. Sometimes I think it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like a worship song about us. It seems so us-centric. But the real joy in the song is that He loves us for His glory. He doesn't love us because we're lovely or anything. It's not about us, it's about Him, and isn't that absolutely refreshing? I know that's such a simple thought, but it always floors me.
And not only that, but loves us in spite of us. Man, that's awesome. What a loving God! Can I get a what what?
Another thing I love is that God cares about the dumb stuff that I feel like I shouldn't care about! I love that I can talk to Him about things that seemingly don't even have eternal significance, and He still cares. Blows my mind. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty that I care so much (or even at all, in some cases) about earthly stuff, yet He doesn't blow me off or laugh at me (like most guys would do) but instead He listens, loves and cares. I like talking to God.

oooh time for our team meeting! gotta run. TTFN!

Music

2011-02-16T11:22:00.001-06:00

I think that even my music preferences are influenced by my personality type.
I just realized this last week.
I think that's why I don't like music like The Civil Wars or Dashboard or whatever.
Because I'm an INFJ, I feel things deeply. And I tend to be acutely empathetic.

When I listen to that music, I feel it. Not in the good way.

It's not the lyrics that do it, it's the music, the melody, the rhythm. The melody settles into me and I feel the desperation and sorrow in the music. There's an intangible quality about that music that feels so forlorn.

To be honest, the lyrics could be the greatest thing in the world. I love lyrics, but I feel the music. I empathize with the story the music speaks to me, even if that's not the musician's intent.

My heart just hears music in a certain way and that kind of stuff gets rejected by my ears because it makes me feel like all hope is lost.

Haha!! I can't really explain myself. And I'm sure you lot think I'm a nutter because ya'll don't hear it the way I do. I guess it's like how people look at art and can see completely different things or feel completely different things. Sometimes I just hear things differently than everyone else, and that's probably because I feel it more than hear it.
That's my relationship with music.
And yeah, it's weird.

The World As Best As I Remember It

2011-02-11T09:59:00.000-06:00

When I get to Heaven, I want to gather a group of saints and sit around and sing Rich Mullins songs until our hearts explode.

Actually, I'd like to do that on earth.

I do that by myself nearly every day, but I wonder what it'd sound like with all those voices and hearts mingling together in praise and passion.

So the moral of the story is...study up on your Rich now, ya'll, so we can jam out with Jesus later, ok?

Another hour deeper in the night, another mile down the road...we could be closer than you know.

"And oh, I hear the voice of a million dreams
Then I wake in the world that I'm partly made of
And the world that is partly my homemaking
And oh, I hear the song of a heart set free
That will not be kept down
By the fury and sound
Of a world that is wasting away"

God, Girls and Shoes

2011-01-31T09:56:00.002-06:00

Some days I hate my personality. Rather, I suppose, I hate aspects of my personality. But I do so love that God redeems our personalities. It's beautiful to see God use even the dumbest, most inexplicable parts our of personalities.

I don't understand why girls have bangs. Unless, maybe, if you're so beautiful that you need to kick it down a notch. Jennifer Nettles has a bit of bangs in the "stuck on you" video and I'm almost still attracted to her. Oh who am I kidding? That's a beautiful woman! I think I like her mouth. and eyeballs. maybe that's it. She could stand to gain about 30 lbs though. seriously. Skinny does NOT equal sexy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. blech.

Can I tell you how much I love the newest Brooke Fraser album? oh my mercy. I know some people over-hype it, but it really is that good. Ok well, not the whole thing, but at least about 5 of the songs are like audio crack. They're nearly impossible to skip when they pop up on my phone. Recently I've had "Who Are We Fooling?" on repeat. oh my goodness!! The harmony is so beautiful. My gosh, that song makes my heart just want to burst into little heart tears, if there is such a thing. It makes me so sad. Which, in a weird way makes me happy. yeah, I know. When a song breaks my heart, it brings me joy. bizarre. I just feel that song. It's so haunting and beautiful. But listen to it too many times and you'll end up depressed.
So flip your iPod on over to Sugarland's "Stuck On You" and you'll be perfectly grand again. Those two songs compliment each other perfectly...if you're a bit bi-polar. But still. They're like song cousins.

I just don't find girls that drink attractive. Especially Christian girls, and more especially beer. Christian girls drinking beer. Hugest turn-off ever. You might as well be smoking and pooping. It's that unattractive. To me. and yes, I realize that's weird. But that's just me. I'm not even opposed to alcohol or anything. Now, a Christian girl drinking Sangria, eh, that's not that bad! But beer? gross. Go read your Bible.
Just my personal opinion. No offense.

I like frozen yogurt and all, but I much, much, much prefer Yoplait. It doesn't get much more delicious, plus it has live and active cultures! boo and ya! BOOYA!

I hate West Village. I hate going down there. I hate thinking about it. I really don't like it. Just in case you were planning to invite me down there. Could we maybe meet somewhere closer to Greenville and Lovers or anywhere else on the planet instead? Cuz I hate West Village. I hate uptown. I feel like I can't say that enough.

I ordered my first pair of Chuck Taylor low-tops yesterday. It felt weird. I've always thought they looked..."special". Like a retarded brother of the beautiful, classic high-tops. But I don't like wearing my high-top Chucks with shorts. So I caved and got some low tops.
Just though you needed to know that. Cuz you do. My opinions are very important!
(totally kidding, my opinions aren't worth two farts in a snow storm.)

I love it when the water in the pool at the gym is perfectly, glassy, still. For some reason, I just think that is so beautiful. There's usually someone in the pool, but on the rare occasion that someone hasn't been in the pool in about ten minutes and the water is completely placid, it makes my heart smile deep inside. I love that little slice of beauty.

ok, bye bye my dears! Sorry for the schizo bliggity blog! (I might be a little hyped on N-O Xplode still!)

You're Beautiful

2011-01-26T09:29:00.000-06:00

While I'm still not that keen on the Dallas campus, that's my home. The community here is sweet and so much more important than my preference of style. (ok, not that it's THAT much different from the HV campus, but there are several small things that I miss)
I'm one of those people who just loves the worship time. Matt seems to think that most guys don't dig the singing, but honestly that's probably my favorite part.
I love corporate worship so much. I love hearing all the voices so loudly and passionately singing to Jesus. I love that all pretenses and worries and concerns about our life here are thrown away and our hearts' focus is cast on Jesus. It becomes all about Him, as it should be. I love those moments in my own life where nothing matters but Jesus, but I love it even more when we're all gathering one echoing the same sentiment. Blows me up.

We've been singing this Phil Wickham song lately that I just absolutely love. It's a gorgeous song. Almost haunting. But my eyeballs go all wonky when we all sing together:

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing... You’re Beautiful

Oh that just kills me! I love being united in Christ and singing to Him about His glory. I love that sweet thought of eternity.

In other news, Mercy Me recorded Bleeker's song "Glorious Day" and apparently it's getting a lot of airtime on the radio. I haven't heard their version yet because you couldn't pay me to listen to KLTY, but his version is one of my favorite songs ever. Oh mercy I love that song! I mean, I loooooove that song! I'm happy for him! Glad that little gem is on the airwaves.

ok i'm done being gay. bye bye.

Furthermore...

2011-01-24T09:18:00.000-06:00

I think that coffee is to teens as wine is to people in their 20's.

They both think that drinking it makes them appear mature and sophisticated.
Also, both feel the need to update facebook any time they're drinking it so that the world knows how cool and classy they are.

Okay, done talking about that. No idea why it was even on my mind. Just an observation.

Whine

2011-01-23T16:10:00.000-06:00

People in their 20's seem to think that drinking wine makes them classy, sophisticated, and perhaps even artsy.

I could be wrong, but very rarely does what you drink define who you are.

But whatevs, drink that wine and get down with your super refined self!

A Note From The Facebook

2011-01-16T21:39:00.000-06:00

My Top 90 Most-Played Songs

by Jordan Hoover on Sunday, January 16, 2011 at 8:24pm

I haven't done this in over a year, so I figured I'd do it again! These are my most played songs on iTunes.

It's interesting how much your most-played music reveals about you! If you didn't know me at all, you could definitely learn some things about me. I don't know if that's scary or really awesome.

Ah, and if you're wondering who it is that buys covers of other artists' songs, it's me. I love covers. sue me.
The number at the end is the number of plays. These numbers are surprisingly low to me, but maybe that's because I have a ton of music in my library?

1. Extended Joy (a song from a Christmas Coke commercial) - 65
2. Paperweight - Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk - 57
3. Front-Porch Song - Doug Moreland - 45
(a cover of a Robert Earl Keen song, which is #46 on the list. Also impressive because this song is 8:31 long!)
4. Those Pants - Robbie Penny - 44
5. Pickup Truck Song - Gravy - 41
(a cover of a Jerry Jeff Walker song, which is #43 on the list)
6. Dang Me - Roger Miller - 41
7. I Hope That's Me - Brad Paisley - 39
8. Let's Go To The Mall - Robin Sparkles - 39
(from "How I Met Your Mother")
9. Monster - Skillet - 36
10. The Little Red-Haired Girl - Ezra Furman & the Harpoons - 35
11. Horchata - Vampire Weekend - 35
12. Red Haired Girl - Andrew Morse - 34
13. Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit - Barney Stinson - 34
(from "How I Met Your Mother")
14. This Town - O.A.R. - 34
15. In the Garage - Weezer - 34
16. Make a Mistake - Brad Paisley - 33
17. So They Say - Ensemble - 32
(from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog")
18. We're Both in Love with a Sexy Lady - Flight of the Conchords - 32
19. 1979 - Rob Thomas - 32
(cover of a Smashing Pumpkins song)
20. Tanzania - Alli Rogers - 31
21. Welcome to the Future (Reprise) - Brad Paisley - 31
22. You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd - Roger Miller - 31
23. How Will He Find Me - The Weepies - 31
24. The Bed Intruder Song - Antoine Dodson - 30
25. Sympathy - Goo Goo Dolls - 30
26. Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance - 30
(cover of a Bob Dylan song)
27. My Freeze Ray - Neil Patrick Harris - 30
(from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog")
28. Deciphering Me - Brooke Fraser - 29
29. The Ballad of Jerry Jeff Walker - Brooks & Dunn - 29
30. Sympathy - Goo Goo Dolls - 29
(yes, exact same song as #25. I burned them from 2 different Goo Goo Dolls cds and never deleted the duplicate. Combined that'd be 59 plays!)
31. Gimmie That Girl - Joe Nichols - 29
32. Porcelain - Lauren Kirkpatrick - 29
33. I Want You - Kelly Clarkson - 29
34. The Mesopotamians - They Might Be Giants - 29
35. Who Is This God - Alli Rogers - 28
36. Rich Girl - The Bird and The Bee - 28
(cover of a Hall & Oates song)
37. The Bus Driver's Song - Flight of the Conchords - 28
38. The Shindig (off to college) - FM Static - 28
39. Romeo & Juliet - The Killers - 28
40. Best Night Ever - Marshall Erickson - 28
(from "How I Met Your Mother")
41. Tanner Boyle Vs. The 7th Grade - AM Taxi - 27
42. Guy Love - Turk and JD - 27
(from "Scrubs")
43. Pickup Truck Song - Jerry Jeff Walker - 27
44. You Are the One I Love - Jon McLaughlin - 27
45. Debajo De Mi Lengua - Julieta Venegas - 27
46. Front Porch Song - Robert Earl Keen - 27
47. LA Freeway - Roger Creager - 27
(cover of a Guy Clark song)
48. Learn To Live With What You Are - Ben Folds - 26
49. Carol Brown - Flight of the Conchords - 26
50. Merry Happy - Kate Nash - 26
51. Return of the Revolution - The O.C. Supertones - 26
52. When The Bluebonnets Bloom - Robert Earl Keen - 26
53. Having Fun All Wrong - Roger Creager - 26
54. If Love Was A Plane - Brad Paisley - 25
55. Before The Throne of God Above - Dave Hunt - 25
56. Let It Roll - Divide the Day - 25
57. Friday I'm In Love - Fiction Family -25
(cover of The Cure song)
58. Let's Just Fall - Reckless Kelly - 25
59. LA Freeway - Roger Creager - 25
(cover of a Guy Clark song, but different from #47. That version was live. This is studio.)
60. Having Fun All Wrong - Roger Creager - 25
(same song as #53, but a different version. #53 is live. This is studio. yes, I love Roger Creager.)
61. You Be Illin' - Run DMC - 25
62. My Eyes - Neil Patrick Harris & Felicia Day - 24
(from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog")
63. When She's Near - Fiction Family - 24
64. Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls - 24
65. Lovin' Makes Livin' Worthwhile - Jerry Jeff Walker - 24
66. A Mirror is Harder to Hold - Jon Foreman - 24
67. Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman - 24
68. Again - Jon Foreman - 24
69. In my Place - Michael Bleeker - 24
70. Front Porch Song - Robert Earl Keen - 24(The 3rd version of this song to make the list!)
71. Things Look Good Around Here - Roger Creager - 24
72. Hey Beautiful - The Solids - 24 (the theme from "How I Met Your Mother)
73. Loser - Beck - 23
74. Some Mistakes - Brad Paisley - 23
75. Adonai - The O.C. Supertones - 23
76. Peter Piper - Run DMC - 23
77. Who Is Like You - Tim Neufeld - 23
78. Wal-Mart Flowers - Trailer Choir - 23
79. When All Those Aggies Move to Austin - Aaron Watson - 23
80. Risque - Cute is What We Aim For - 22
81. X-Girlfriend - Family Force Five - 22
82. We The Redeemed - Hillsong - 22
83. Alphabutt - Kimya Dawson - 22
84. Point of Extinction - Motion City Soundtrack - 22
85. Sucker MC's - Run DMC - 21
86. I Don't Want You To Go/When All Those Aggies Move to Austin - Aaron Watson - 21
87. Big Green Eyes - Alan Jackson - 21
88. Betty - Brooke Fraser - 21
89. Share In The Blame - Caedmon's Call - 21
90. Restore to Me - Mac Powell & Candi-Pearson Shelton - 21

Okay, I'm stopping at 90 because it's an even number and I'm tired.
I wish everyone would post their list once a year or so! It' so interesting to me to see what people are listening to.

Music can be an intriguing reflection of your personality.

Why it's been so long

2011-01-16T18:46:00.000-06:00

Howdy!
I haven't written in a while, eh? But not because I don't want to. In fact, I think about it every day.
Now that I've waited so long, there are too many thoughts colliding with each other and I have no idea in which direction to indulge myself.

Nobody wants a long blog, but brevity has never been a friend of mine.
So consider this blog as a sort-of primer, like attaching a sieve to my heart so that perhaps my thoughts can dribble out more consistently and deliberately.

I hate that my blog has become mostly fluff and irreverence, although I don't want to always feel the pressure to be raw or meaningful either.

So why haven't I blogged in so long? a few reasons.

I don't know my audience...or perhaps, rather, I know my audience too well.
I don't know the reason for writing. I am writing for myself, as a cathartic experience or do I blog to entertain or enlighten or for someone else's benefit?
On the other hand, knowing who reads my blogs unintentionally gives me the proclivity to write with specific readers in mind. That's dangerous. I don't like the control that gives me. I know I can't handle it. It creates too much temptation to try and shape and manipulate people's opinions of me. Even when I honestly think I'm being real, how do I know I'm not trying to control someone's opinion of me? For me, blogging can very easily lead into fear of man traps.

And I don't know if I like the idea of people only knowing me through my blog. While sometimes a very accurate reflection of my heart, it's also only a small portion of the whole of me.

...which is another reason I haven't written. If I'm going to be all real and whatever, I kinda want people to earn it. That's a serious flaw of mine, I know. I feel like I have grown in that area, but it's still a struggle. I don't want people who don't care about me to have little pieces of me (...which reminds me of that ridiculous Ashlee Simpson song.) I prefer that depth be earned. I feel that's one the effects from the scars I've accrued in recent years.
That being said, I also wouldn't say I'm a closed-off person at all!

A final reason I haven't blogged much is because I feel like it's so self-centered. Even if I'm miraculously not talking about myself, how often is there not still a self-centered intent behind my writing? What is my purpose and how can I trust myself? Another thing I know about myself is that I like knowing myself. It's an introverted gift to be very self-reflecting and self-aware. That's probably a good thing! But there's a danger in spending too much time processing, analyzing and reflecting. Look, I love talking about personality types, why we are the way we are, and other characteristics that make us so unique, yet so similar. But I think there's a trap to that as well. Spending too much time thinking about yourself, even in a good way, is dangerous.
Especially for the introvert.
It steals the focus from God. My life isn't about me. This life isn't for me. So in the end, "my" life and my personality and my goals, dreams, failures, etc. aren't what matters. I feel weird writing about what I'm going through because that isn't of importance, and in fact, may be stealing from what is of supreme importance. I don't want to be self-centered. I know this life isn't about me, and I don't want to act like it is. So I think that keeps me from writing a lot of times.
I've a very different blogger than I used to be. There's also probably a fear of being the type of person I was back on xanga. I couldn't be more different and I don't want to be anything resembling that person.

so. I guess I'll just post a little here and there.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-14T10:29:00.002-06:00

I've been trying to talk sense into my family.

Thanksgiving meal is supposed to be a feast of deliciousness, right? The meal is supposed to be a time of being thankful for all of the best and most delicious flavors that God ever created, right?

so we celebrate that by eating...turkey? and corn?

Is that the best we have to offer? That stuff is okay. But why wouldn't you eat the most delicious things you can possibly think of? If everyone is going to cheat on their diets on Thanksgiving, shouldn't you wanna make it worth it? I don't see why we need to eat fancy, traditional foods at the expense of rich, fulfilling foods.

seriously. So what would I-I-I have for a Thanksgiving feast if I was unencumbered from old people who demand tradition at all costs? warm cookies, pizza, buffalo wings, mashed potatoes, curly fries from Arbys, tons of ice cream, chicken Parmesan, cinnamon rolls from Grandys, baked beans, bananna pudding, chocolate milk, and gingerbread milkshakes.

In MY opinion, Thanksgiving dinner should be treated as a last meal on death row. It'd be way more fun than the traditional foods that makes you feel like you're trapped inside the crappy Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. (The Thanksgiving one sucks. That rest are super awesome. That being said, I'll still watch it because I watch Charlie Brown at every holiday)

2010-11-13T13:30:00.000-06:00

There are SO many people that I would love to tell that there is WAY more to life than music.

There are also SO many people that I would love to tell that there is WAY more to life than sports.

Dumbest idols ever.

They are meant to be reflections of the whole. Don't make it central.

Maybe it's not good for your identity to be found in music or sports.

My favorite places

2010-10-07T19:22:00.000-05:00

Two of my favorite places in the world will make you laugh. At me. Not with me. Because I'm not laughing. I'm super duper scary serious.
Two of the places in the world that make my heart unbearably happy are:
Dairy Queen.
and the old inside Pizza Huts.

Dairy Queen makes joy inside me because it's Texas. It's tradition. It's something you've done your whole life.
They're both places that you only ate at during vacation, and our vacations were usually in Texas.
Although, I do remember eating at an indoor Pizza Hut in Oklahoma once. I pass it every time I go visit Sara, and it makes me smile every time I drive past.

You don't find the inside Pizza Huts much anymore. They're usually found in more rural places, I suppose. They remind me of the good ole days. Not really any specific good old days, just olden times of yonder. The pizza tastes like innocence and wonder. I do remember eating at one in McAlister, Texas on a mission trip once. So I guess there is one specific memory there. But usually eating at one just wraps me in a warm sense of nostalgia. I made Sara eat with me at one in Waco on the way back from the ranch this year. It was bliss. I love it. I feels like childhood and happiness.

I feel the same way about Dairy Queen. We only ate there on vacations because there's one at every exit. Well, and because that's the only fast food restaurant they have in Three Rivers. So it reminds me of childhood and Texas and it makes my heart burst. I always try to go there when I'm out of town. If Hannah and Jill had forced me to choose, I would've gone there in College Station too. But i'm glad we didn't.
I love their Texas toast. It's insanely delicious. Three Rivers got a brand new Dairy Queen from the one we grew up with. It's completely different. I don't know if they tore the old one down and started from scratch or if it's a massive remodel, but funny enough, I actually do like it better. It feels so small town. My heart and mind are on overload in those places because I imagine what it would be like living in those small towns and having Dairy Queen be the place the hang out, the place to bring a date. I like that. I like that idea. It's simple. It's wonderful.
I'm a feeler. I feel things. I feel Dairy Queen and the old indoor Pizza Huts. Weird, eh?

So there's some more sketchy secrets about Jordan Hoover. That's me.

goodbye.

2010-09-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

I hate my love language. It's the most difficult one. The most frustrating one. Probably the most misunderstood one.
It's tough.
But I feel it enhances my already dumb personality type, and makes everything in me so much more difficult.
Frustration. Disappointment. Yet, who would understand or even try rather than just laugh at me?

It's gotta build my faith that God made me this way for some kind of wacky reason. I've never seen the benefits of Him making me this way, but there's gotta be a wonderful reason...right, Lord? I trust ya.

Give me patience with me. Please. If You don't mind.

2010-09-26T19:59:00.000-05:00

Today was my favorite weather of the year. 74 degrees! I’m not ready to call this fall yet though. Just a bit of a cold front probably. Fall will probably be here in a month or so. The rest of this week will probably be in the 80’s…which is still quite nice!
I love this weather. It makes me feel happy inside. Like, DEEP inside. And even on the outside too! Okay, it makes me feel happy everywhere! I love how fall brings back so many memories. Maybe not so much memories as feelings. I think it’s the feelings that bring back memories. Breathing this perfect air deeply today reminded me of when I had friends. Honestly, it was sweet. Not bittersweet, just sweet. And maybe it was just the N-O Xplode talking, but I’d like to think it was at least partly maturity. Sometimes fall makes me remorseful or make me yearn for the memories or friendships. But today I was just thankful and happy. Weird. Freakish, even. Jesus is good.
It’s been a stellar weekend. It was dark and rainy all day yesterday and I was able to relax and soak it all up. I got some awesome shirts at the thrift store, the Rangers clinched, t.u. got their butt kicked, I spent 3 hours at the gym (and didn’t even do cardio!), I finished the book I’ve been reading, the Rangers got more hits in the game today than they have since they scored 30 runs in Baltimore a few years ago, and a thousand other little blessing along the way as well.

My list of favorite Texas singers in specific order are:

1. 1. Robert Earl Keen

2. 2. Doug Moreland

3. 3. Roger Creager

4. 4. Aaron Watson

5. 5. Jerry Jeff

I have no idea where to put Pat Green, so I didn’t even rank him. Based on his old stuff, he’d clearly be number 1. If I’m basing him on his current music, he’s waaaay down on the list. But if I’m going to include his entire catalog, he’s somewhere in the middle, I guess.
Ah. I have nothing more to say.
That’s probably a lie.

But I drank a ton of milk and now I must make a wee wee. I apologize.

Go read your Bible, kids.

the jills

2010-09-19T13:29:00.001-05:00

Also. I love spending time with my sister. That's also quite refreshing. I love that we have such a good relationship. There's nothing like family. God has done so freaking much between us this year. The screwy thing is that it was her illness that brought us so close. It was a rough summer dealing her here. Unbelievably emotionally draining. But if we hadn't had to go through there, we wouldn't be where we are now. And as much as it drained me, I'm glad I was able to be there and take care of her and Ty.
    Why does other Jill make me nervous?
oh that's a good question you ask! I thought about that a lot, and I'm not sure I have concrete answers, but I've started to dig at enough to where I probably have the beginning of answers.
First of all, she doesn't make me super nervous. I just can't completely relax. I don't feel like I'm super free to just be me. I think that's because I've never really felt fully accepted by her and I so badly want her to like me. That's kinda embarrassing, huh? I'm not one who really cares much about people's approval or even their opinion of me, but for some reason, I DO want to be accepted by her.
why?
Several reasons, maybe. That girl loves Jesus. At times I've felt like she just doesn't like me, and perhaps I've allowed that to be a reflection of value in other people's eyes. I'm not really sure. Maybe I've subconsciously thought, "Oh well if I really was a Godly person, then she would like me."
    Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about anything other than platonic. She's my best friend's sister. Of course I want her to like me! Plus, I've known her since she was a but a mere lassie! You don't want people that have known you a long time to decide they don't like you. I think there's somewhat of a fear that since she's seen me in so many less-mature eras of my life, that has shaped her opinion of me, like I'll always be stuck being the worst person she's seen me be. whoa, did that make sense to you? It's like the Cross Canadian Ragweed song, "You're always 17 in your hometown" They always seen you one way. You can't change in their minds. You'll always be the immature person you were back then because that's how they know you.
So I guess in essence I always feel a pressure to have to prove myself to her and impress her or show her who I really am. If i say one wrong thing, she'll think I'm that bad person. I feel like I have to prove myself. That can be crippling for an introvert. Draining.
   Another aspect is that I feel like there are times when I have been real with her, when I have put myself out there. I don't think I'm fake. I've always been honest with her. I really think I have. But there have been times when (and I don't mean this to put the blame on her!) I feel like she's just being nice to my face. Not that she talks about me behind my back or anything like that. She's not that kind of person. I just mean that she treats me so nicely, but in reality she hasn't always been very fond of me. I guess that's how the real world works, but I would much prefer that if someone has a problem with me, for them to act like there's a problem. It seems more real that way. There have been times I know I've upset or offended or maybe even pissed her off, but she won't talk about it with me. I feel like Lauren has probably talked to her about me in the past too (which I no doubt I deserved - no question), so she just didn't have a good opinion of me at all, even though I'm not sure she really knew me herself. She's the sweetest human ever, but I know there have been times when I've made her angry or jealous and her opinion of me hasn't been good, yet I would never know it because she's so dang nice to me. The only reason I would know is because Sara has mentioned it to me.
        So I guess in the end, it leads me to feel like I have to prove myself to her and yet I always feel like I'm failing because no matter how kind she is to me, I don't know what she's really thinking. When I'm with her, I feel like we're friends and like we're having fun. But then I always question that after she leaves.
    I guess that's what's up. Kinda dumb, huh? I hate admitting all that because it's so childish. But like I said, it's not a problem I have with everyone. Mostly just her. Because I do adore her, I do admire her, I do want to be friends. I've watched her grow up and I've watched her love for Jesus grow and grow and grow. I admire her so much! Her sister is the best friend I've ever had. I just want to live in peace. And I think we do, but I think it could be better. I'm an INFJ. we always want more. We like depth, we like investing in relationships. I hope I didn't make her sound like anything other than a less-than-Godly person, because she is a Godly woman. And I genuinely DO enjoy begin around her! I genuinely DO enjoy who she is! So much! I really, really do. I love her.
The problem is ME. I'm so overly conscious of how she sees me. It's lame. But that's how I've been conditioned.

     so yeah, this is an awkward blog. more personal than I usually care to be on my blog these days. kinda creepy. While this one may not be deep, at least it's real. And that's something, I guess.

I just had so much fun with Hannah and Jill yesterday. I wish I could do that every week. Just one meal, a couple hours a week. That would be perfect.
I cant wait for Oct. 8th.

2010-09-19T10:56:00.001-05:00

I feel like I enjoyed yesterday more than I should have.
I don't think a normal person would be so over-the-moon like I was. I had SUCH a good time at lunch!! It shouldn't even even be a big deal, nothing to get too excited about. But for me, it was life-giving just to be with other Believers who I know love Jesus and I know love other people. It's breathes life into me to be around other people that want to love and serve Jesus. Or actually, maybe I loved being around them because it is like being around Jesus when you have people who are so focused on Him and their love for Him is reflected outwardly. It's like soaking up His love. aaaaand that's probably cheesy.
I was bummed that we didn't get to really talk. Yeah I was energized just by getting to spend simple time. But it made me want more. So much more. Like It'd be like eating just a couple of the chips out of the basket at El Fenix and then the server just takes it away. I couldn't handle just eating a couple.
I feel dumb because I know I shouldn't be that excited or have enjoyed it that much. But i did. and I'm sorry. But I did. I know it wasn't as enjoyable for them because they get that all the time. And more than that, they get depth. All the time. I can't imagine. Aggieland is Heaven, eh?
I didn't feel that same sense of deep regret and yearning that I usually feel down there. I didn't yearn so deeply that that was my life. Yeah, I still wish I'd gone there, I wish I could go there. But it didn't yank on my heart like it used to. I think that's something God has/is worked on me on...just knowing that my life is mine. (well, it's not really mine, per se...) Just because my life does not compare favorably to other people's...that's ok. This is the path that He has taken me. It doesn't matter if it's embarrassing or disappointing. This is where He has ME. This is where He's taken ME. so it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing or where their lives are. This is where He has ME. It doesn't matter if it's what I wanted or not.

booya. out.

Pieces of me

2010-08-14T20:19:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough year. Perhaps I'll blog about that in the impending future.
But for now, I think I'll post another superficial blog! Hooray! The one thing I miss about myspace is the dumb surveys that people filled out when they were bored. You don't get that on facebook. Instead you get ridiculous quizzes like "what flavor ice cream are you?" that reveals absolutely nothing about the person.

I love reading blogs, I read a ton of blogs. People are so honest and weighty on blogs. I love that, I really, really do. I love getting to the heart of a person. But sometimes I feel like people are just posturing and trying to sound deep or intelligent. It can be forced or showy. I'm sure I'm guilty of that too, which is probably one of the reasons I haven't blogged about anything of substance in quite a while.
But I digress, and it sounds weird saying this, but....it's kinda nice to get to know people on a superficial level sometimes. Likes, dislikes, passions, opinions, idiosyncrasies, etc. These are all just surface things, but add them all together and it's a big part of who you are! Sometimes it's the little things that make you unique.

And sometimes it's the little things that bond people. For instance, I’m not sure many people could relate to what I’ve been through. (Which is probably why I feel like a whiny person writing about it. People haven’t experienced it themselves, so to them I just sound like I’m being emo). While you may not connect with my life experience, we may bond over a common interest. I’m perfectly okay with having a friendship that’s base solely on our mutual love for Psych! Ha!

That being said, I'm completely over doing surveys myself, but I wish everyone was required to fill one out from time to time.
I love learning about people’s personalities. I think you lose some of that in blogs because people are so internalized.

So here's a blog from inside my brain. There will be very little organization here, and I apologize if that drives you nuts. Perhaps you'll learn some dumb stuff about me and/or the way I think.
From my brain to your eyeballs, with love.

My top 5 favorite Christmas songs in order:
1.) The Christmas Song (chestnuts roasting) by Ray Charles

2.) Christmas Time is Here - Vince Guaraldi Trio (also, I love Charlie Brown. just fyi.)

3.) Baby It's Cold Outside - Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Jordan (I used to have a Barenaked Ladies version that was my absolute favorite, but it's lost in one of my technology boxes somewhere)

4.) Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - James Taylor

5.) Merry Christmas From the Family - Robert Earl Keen

6.) Christmastime - JJ Heller

7.) What're You Doing New Years? - Harry Connick, Jr.

That was 7, not 5 like I previously stated. I'm bad at math. But those are my 7 most favorite Christmas songs. I love them. They make me feel cozy and Christmas-y inside. Wow, I'm so secular! I guess I got sick of the ones we sing at church year after year, over and over.

My MOST hated Christmas song? "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime..."
ARGH!!!! That song makes me want to punch Paul McCartney in his stupid British face!! What gives him the right to make such a horrible song?? It sounds like something astronauts listened to in space in the 80’s. It sounds like it came from outer space! A horrible, horrible, unlovable part of the galaxy. Outer space music is terrible. Vomit.

I'm certainly no fashion maven, but I think it looks stupid when guys wear their hat bills flat. I'm sure that's real cool now, but I think it looks like they just got ran over by a steamroller. boom. roasted.

I hate internet lingo like “lol” yuck. I’ll probably never be more than a passive observer on Twitter because I refuse to be constricted to a character limit that forces me to spell “to” as “2” or “you” as “u”. And when a girl uses that, it’s a turn off. Grammar is sexy, baby!

I love the smell of sharpies.

I don't like female nose studs. They make me cringe. They look like tiny, shiny boogers that somehow made their way out of your nose. Again, just my opinion. I'm fashion-retarded so don't mind me.

I love the smell of asphalt in the summer heat! It reminds me of Six Flags. mmm!

The music I feel the most guilty about liking is Ke$ha. That's the most embarrassing thing I have on my iPhone that I actually really like. I bought the whole album! HA!! I never do that! Dang if her music isn't catchy! Good gym music too. But yes, I'm aware that I'm supposed to think it's dumb and offensive.
In the same vein, I just like happy-sounding, upbeat music! That's probably why I don't get Muse. Ugh, I know I'm supposed to adore them and think they're musical geniuses, buuuut....I just don't get them. Maybe their lyrics are incredible? I love great lyrics, I really do, but bummer music can absolutely kill it. If it isn't pretty, then I'm out. I feel music, and life has enough pain and disappointment, so I generally don't want to feel that in my tunes. Kinda like how I’m probably not going to want to go see a realistic, depressing movie. Sorry! I can get that in real life!

And that’s probably why I like dumb stuff like Ke$ha and Owl City.

One of my favorite songs ever is “Walk Away Renee” It’s pretty little tune.

I love baseball tee’s. If all I could ever wear for the rest of my life was t-shirts with ¾ length sleeves, I’d be perfectly happy! And pants. I mean, if all I could ever wear again was just a shirt, that’d be awkward. I need pants too.

I don’t like it when people call other people “kid”, especially if it’s someone younger saying it to someone older. Just…don’t.

I think Rooney sounds just like Weezer. Every time one of their songs pops up on my phone, I always think its Weezer. So…that’s cool.

I know God loves everyone, but I sometimes wonder why He didn’t color the white people. It’s like He created everyone else first and was like “Whew! I’m tired of coloring everyone in! I’m just gonna leave them blank.” Kinda feels like we got forgotten. We’re so boring. And ya know, kids only color the pictures they like; the ones they don’t color are the ones they don’t really like. White people. Sheesh. So I guess it’s neat that God loves us even though we’re about as interesting as soggy cardboard.

I love socks!! I love socks so much!! I buy socks constantly! Dollar Tree has the best socks and I go there almost every month to pick up a few pair of ankle socks. There is nothing as wonderful as a fresh, clean, new-smelling pair of socks!!

Ironically, I also love wearing sandals. But not with socks.

One of my absolute favorite shows is House Hunters International I could watch that show all day!! And there’s been a few days when I have! It’s so interesting! I love learning things, especially about other cultures and daily life in other countries, and you pick up a lot of little details in that show that you don’t pick up anywhere else. Interesting details. But I also really love real estate, so that’s also a big reason I find it so captivating.

I can’t stand hearing people eat corn on the cob.

I don't really care what people think of me. Your opinion does not define me.

I wish being a travel agent was still a legit career, because there is nothing I love more than planning a trip! Except for Jesus. I plan so far in advance and love finding the most unique, fun things to do! I love researching hotels, hostels, car rentals, restaurants, etc. I love finding fun things that I think my mates will enjoy!

I’m probably a little too passionate about Texas.

Earlier this summer I finished another Robert Ludlum novel, I just finished reading The Spy Who Came In From the Cold by John Le Carre and I’m now reading a book by Ted Bell. I just realized they’re all spy novels. Le Carre’s books are small, short and surprisingly complex. However, I don’t really care for how he tells a story, it’s so scattered and pieced together in a weird way. There really isn’t much action. Plenty of espionage, but its all mind games and very little action. I love Ludlum, I’ve read a ton of his books. I love the way he tells a story. I love the history involved. A cool thing about most of his books is that they were written decades ago, so there are no cell phones or technology to muck it up. Just good old fashion espionage.
I’m really enjoying Ted Bell’s book because it moves. It really moves quick, doesn’t dawdle and considering the length, it’s pretty easy to follow! That’s awesome because if you walk away from a complex story for a few days, it can be hard to jump back in and remember all the characters and storylines.

And now you know me.

Kinda.

2010-08-13T19:31:00.000-05:00

Looking at a blown-up version of this hi-res photo made me cry. I don't know why. That's life.
I guess it's one of those fleeting moments where simple beauty absolutely overwhelms you and you can't contain all the emotion it evokes, so your body's reaction is to spew tears.
weird.
byebye.

Dear John

2010-06-10T08:50:00.002-05:00

Here's some awesome opinions I have based on that ole DEAR JOHN movie.

It was ok. Actually, I liked it. Except Channing Tatum has the personality of wet cardboard. He was more like Dear YAWN. He's not exactly a barrel of laughs. GREAT actor too (see the picture). ha! If Amanda Seyfried's character liked him because of his personality, then she would LOVE me, because I'm slightly more interesting than cardboard. However, I am led to believe that she liked him mostly because he's in the Army and could die at any moment. Girls like guys that could potentially die heroically.

I would be inclined to say that she only liked him for his muscles, but I don't remember him ever taking off his shirt. Then again, I might have just blocked it out because my mind has very little space left and I'm not going to waste what space is left on dudes taking off parts of their clothes. I have no need for that. So forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think he kept his shirt on the whole time, which I think is suspicious. Pretty sure he's hiding something. Now what's he hiding? i don't know. Maybe he's part robot. Maybe he's preggers. Maybe he has a tattoo of Big Bird on his abs. Not sure, but something is certainly fishy.
Anwyay, back to my awesome critique of the movie. I was amazed at how similar it is to The Notebook. It's pretty much the same story! Watch those movies back-to-back and clearly you will see how insanely similar they are! Writing letters is nice and all, but seriously, you're probably gonna need a leetle bit more than that to sustain a relationship. So nice try.
I was a bit confused by her last letter. She said something like "I just love you TOO much. That's why i had to marry someone else." what?!??! In what world does that make sense? Maybe in the world of preteen girls, i guess.
However, despite everything, I still came out wanting to punch Amanda Seyfried square in the kisser! And that's a good sign, because it means the movie made me feel. I love movies that made me feel. That's what a good movie does. You should be stirred in one direction or another. I felt vindicated when she was mean to him. Yet, I still liked her because she was still a sweetheart, but I was mad at her. I was hoping the movie would end with her face exploding, but it didn't. Not sure how I feel about the ending. She doesn't deserve him. Which, in my opinion, the whole movie is really about grace. I think that's the one thing I took away from it. Watch it, it's clearly about grace. The character of Tim blew my mind. THAT dude was super gracious and HE is the kind of guy I want to be. Though a flawed man, he continually showed grace. That was awesome.
So probably the best thing I got from the movie was that example of grace. The second best thing I got was "Paperweight" by Josh Radin & Schuyler Fisk. whoa. LOVE that song. Tell me that sucka doesn't make you feel! awesome. I. LOVE. it. I think it was originally made for that Zach Braff abomination The Last Kiss, but since no one saw it, and those that did are brain damaged enough from having seen it that they've forgotten it, they recycled for the delightful Dear John. a perfect, lovely song.

Also, I'm glad that Amanda Seyfried has found tremendous success since the days of Veronica Mars, but she does NOT look like Sara. sorry. She doesn't.

So there's my opinion about a movie that I saw one time.

2010-06-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the P90X infomercial, and to be honest, all of the women look better before the p90x. I don't have any freakin' clue why you'd want a woman with muscle or much tone or any kind of hardness to their shape! Women are just grown up girls, and girls are supposed to be soft and cuddly! Blah. Women should not have abs. That's not an opinion, that's a fact. A fact that I formed out of my own brain, because it's true.
However, P90X is amazing, and I want to do it so badly! I just need to find someone who can get me bootlegs! I hate working out at home, but i love working hard.

In conclusion, women, don't work out so hard. please. gross. No Abs! No Biceps! stop it!

Freaky Friday

2010-05-18T08:23:00.000-05:00

The thing that I just can't get past when watching Freaky Friday is that when that little girl was stuck in her mom's body, she would've had to use the bathroom using her's mom's lady parts. and that makes me feel SICK. That poor little girl. How vomitacious! That movie should be rated R!! So perverse and sick. That movie disgusts me!

2010-05-17T10:14:00.000-05:00

One brief observation....

I always tend to listen extra hard for God to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be tempted to interpret the littlest things to indicate that He's answering me with what I want.

But when He's telling me no, I'll look for any excuse to not believe that what He's actually saying. I'll write it off as nothing if it means that I don't have to hear Him tell me no.

Foolishness. sheesh.

2010-05-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

I had a frustratingly cool dream last night. The kind that makes it hard to want to ever wake up. I keep having these stupid, awesome dreams too. argh!! She was cold, yet completely wonderful. mmm!

It can get a little discouraging at some point when you've written a lot of people and no one writes back. I've written about 5 people who just never responded. I was thinking about this over the weekend. A couple years ago it would have really bothered me that they ignored me and there would have definitely been an element of hurt. But now, it doesn't really bother me! I don't really care until it's several people all not responding, and even then it's still only a little discouraging and nothing more. I just feel bad for creeping people out or whatever the problem is. But oh well! I just like to talk to people! I'm sure my friendliness is misinterpreted as something else, but too bad.

My homegroup has been reading When People are Big and God is Small this semester and it's been an incredible experience. It really rips apart my fear of man issues. I think my issue is most visible when it comes to wanting to impress a woman. I honestly don't care what people think of me except for when it comes to a potential lover. (At least, i really don't think i care, but digging through it all is part of the process). But the fact that I care what a woman thinks has helped me realized how highly misguided my motivation can be. I don't feel like that's always my motivation, but that fact that the only person whose opinion I care about would be a potential ladyfriend, shows me how my priorities are a little off-kilter. At the same time though, I think it's good to want to impress a woman and catch her attention. Kinda. ok, so I should probably finish reading the book, huh? Yeah I'm still processing through everything, but I can definitely feel the effect it's had on me.
From an encouraging perspective, it's helped me to realize how free I am from having to give a hoot about living to win anyone's opinion. It has helped me to really love how God has made me. I think my personality has made it easier for me not to live for people's approval. Or perhaps I'm still blind to where I struggle with that.

Sorry, I'll probably end up blogging this more cohesively at some point after I've processed more thoroughly.

I ate more horribly this weekend than I have in the last millennium. No lie, I'm 7 pounds overweight right now. oh my mercy.

Eli has a really sweet Hurley case for his phone. I had no idea they made those! i love Hurley.

and I love youuuuuuu!

2010-05-09T18:39:00.002-05:00

The Christian man in his present state is like a bird in a cage:

His body imprisons his soul.

His spirit, it is true, ranges heaven and earth, and laughs at the limits of matter, space, and time;

but for all of that laughter, the flesh is a poor scabbard unworthy of the glittering soul, a mean cottage unfit for a princely spirit;

this body is a cog, a burden, a fetter.

-Charles H. Spurgeon

all apologies

2010-05-04T09:17:00.000-05:00

I almost feel like I need to apologize for my previous blog. I keep thinking about it. It's kinda nagging at me, because I know the focus was off. It was just raw emotion. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't say everything I really wanted to say. It's hard for me to hold stuff when when my heart gets stirred. I'm a pretty passionate fella whether that be good or bad.
But the reason I feel like I need to apologize was because that it was so self-centered. I have to admit that when emotion clouds my heart, I quickly become the center of my own short-sighted world. I know that's been true of me for the past few day, maybe even the last week. I'm not saying it's wrong to be excited about someone, but it can't supersede your passion and pursuit of Jesus. I get caught up in the excitement and frustration of being interested in someone. There wasn't any Jesus is my last blog and that has bothered me ever since I wrote it.
So truth is, there's someone I find interesting, and I don't know too much about her, I wish I did because she seems like someone I would like. I was writing in my journal yesterday and came up with another really bad Jordan-analogy, which I will share with you in the interest of being authentic and transparent.

It’s like you’re out walking in the jungle and you discover a giant diamond covered in tar. You can tell that there’s a glorious beauty underneath, yet you can only capture glimpses where the tar has been rubbed off. Wouldn’t you be unfathomably excited to reveal all of the potential beauty and see what it really looks like? Boom! That’s how I feel! I catch tiny glimpses of this young woman, and I’m anxious to discover who she is! I’m like a kid at Christmas who finds a gigantic present under the tree and it’s wrapped really, really nicely and maybe it, like, smells really good too. I have no idea what I'll find in there, but I can tell there’s something absolutely incredible in that present and I’m dying to peel off the layers and get to the heart of the gift.

So there. That's me being real. embarrassing.
But the reason I want to apologize is because I know the emotions have been at the center of my attention, not Jesus. I apologize for being short-sighted and giving them a place in my life that was more exalted than they deserved. I feel like that's been very evident in my last few posts.

I've found that I really like apologizing. Because I hate it. It's awkward and uncomfortable and forces me to humble myself. I like the results of humility, it cleanses my heart and I feel so light & free! Humility isn't always easy, but it's always necessary. If I can apologize for even the smallest thing, I will. It's kinda like getting free college credit, because I learn something very important that slowly changes who I am every time I apologize.

Should I title this blog "It's too late to apologize" in honor of my most-hated song? or "And this is my apology" from one of my favorite songs ever? I can't choose!!!! argh. Ha! I went with Nirvana. I hate Nirvana.

RANDOM PHOTO!!!

That's some hardcore, gangsta vandalism right there. Dang. Where's the po-po when you need them? This is completely unacceptable!! That was a great movie!!

2010-05-02T12:23:00.001-05:00

I am not good at being patient in regards to waiting on God, and right now my spirit is restless.

I always get torn between praying and just sitting there waiting for God to make something happen and actually taking a chance and doing something myself.
I trust that God will open the right doors at the right time. I trust that. I trust Him. I just hate knocking on the doors to see if they'll open. I guess I'm just frustrated, disappointed and impatient with knocking on, apparently, the wrong doors. Should I just be waiting at the end of the hall for a door to open on it's own? wow...I've completely let this metaphor run wild.

Here's something else that tends to keep my spirit restless. I don't understand why God made me this way. It's quite peculiar. If there is such a thing as a natural romantic, you're looking at him. (i hate admitting all this because my pride would like to maintain any shred of a rough, manly exterior) I have this innate desire to want a woman for me to love and protect, pursue and woo, delight and encourage. All my life, I've been waiting for God to let me out of my cage and go nuts pursuing someone with a passion that's never been seen. (I'm wholly inadequate to describe how I feel.) It's like this desire to encourage and serve and make someone feel beautiful only continues to grow and grow. Yet there's no outlet. It's discouraging and frustrating. I want to make someone feel like the most important woman in the world. I want to serve her and I take delight in her. I want to worship Jesus through my love and care for her. I want to lead and serve. I have a thousand romantic ideas that I'm not sure I'll ever get to use. Yeah, that's pretty fruity, huh? Are all guys like this? I kinda don't think so. It makes me feel kinda girly. vomit. But if this is how God designed me especially...why?? What was the point of that? It's like giving me wings without the ability to fly. It's just a burden. It seems like a cool gift, but really it's just dead weight.
suck.
It makes it hard for a guy like me to see someone that intrigues me and not be able to do anything about it. And you can't go up to a woman and say, "Hey...you're interesting. I want to know more about the real you." because they'll think you're hitting on them. No. I'm not hitting on you. I don't like you. I don't even know you! But you seem like someone I could like. I just want to know who you are! I don't want to know the person you appear to be, I want to know you. How do you get to know someone like that without sending them the wrong message? What if they're someone that you could be interested romantically in OR what if they're someone you know you aren't interested in romantically but you still want to know them, really know them? I mean seriously! How do you handle that?? do you just walk up and say, "Hey I'd really like to know you well. P.S. I might also be interested in you romantically" or "Hey, I'd really like you know you well. I'm just not interested in you romantically at all."
My personality likes to know people. And that's tricky in this day and age. Especially when it comes to the opposite gender. I don't want to send the wrong message. I don't want you to think I'm interested romantically when I'm not. Likewise though, I don't want you to think I'm not interested romantically when I am. Then again, how would I even know if I'm interested romantically if i don't really you. Does any of that make sense?
Do you think some people really are who they appear to be on the surface? Do some people really have no depth and are just constantly only in the here and now?
Lastly, if I were interested in you, you're super lucky because I couldn't possibly BE any sexier! ha! Totally kidding. But I will make you this solemn swear, if you allow me to pursue you, I will promise to always smell good for you. That's a promise you can bank on. It's hard for me to understand...I may not be the best looking dude in the nation of Texas, but I would pursue like a princess. Do women not want that?

ugh. I just hate waiting and not being able to talk to the person/s you want to talk to. I get antsy and anxious, yet there's nothing I can do. I just want to know about you so badly that I can't sit still sometimes!

So there ya go. an embarrassingly honest blog.
ok. Back to my stupid research paper - the history of intelligence testing from 1880 to modern day to the future. woo. stab my eyeballs out, why don't ya.

BOOM! Random Photo!

I'm not creepy, I just like people.

2010-04-30T10:03:00.000-05:00

Why can’t you just walk up to someone you don't know that well and say, “Hey, I’m interested in who you are. I want to know more about you, what makes you you, what you've been through and what’s on your heart.”????

stupid world.

Who are you calling a cootie queen?

2010-04-29T17:39:00.002-05:00

This is currently the funniest thing on tv. It's been on tv for a while, I think.
I'm not even kidding when I say that this thing always cracks me up! My favorite line that I whisper to myself all day when no one is looking is, "Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?" That woman's face and the way she emphasizes it makes me laugh SO HARD!!!

In other, less hilarious news....IN-N-OUT coming to Lake Highlands?!?!? I hardly call carruth and I-75 Lake Highlands, but shoot, I'll take it!! In-N-Out in dallas. wow. That's something I've fantasized about for a long time. But now it's time to face some realities, this will completely eliminate any reason for ever going to California again. This also means that I will immediately gain 10 lbs. Shoot, you can't even sniff that stuff with out gaining a pound!
I like to order my burger animal-style because I feel like that makes me about twice as cool and three times manlier. However, I immediately pull all that healthy junk off the burger as soon as I get it.
I love In-N-Out but I'm not sure I need the temptation of having one on every street corner! My other question is, will eating it here make me feel like I'm in SoCal again? or will it just feel wrong? That'd be like eating at Jake's if it there was one on LA. It'd feel like I'm cheating on Texas.
I guess I just need to figure out what Jesus would do.

Metaphors and Soapboxes

2010-04-26T20:06:00.001-05:00

Brevity has never been a friend of mine, so I apologize in advance. My head and heart are full, so I'm not sure what will come out or if it will make any sense.

First of all, I remembered that other thing I wanted to tell you a couple bloggys ago. It's another dumb metaphor that I came up with. ooh! I was reading about my meyer-briggs personality type this weekend and it said that INFJs relate best through metaphors! Bingo! I always understand everything more clearly through a good metaphor. Also, I'm still getting used to being a "J". Always thought i was a "P". But I'm very light on the J, so don't "judge" me. hahahahaha!!

anyway, I realized a month or so ago that eating healthy and loving God are kinda similar, at least for me. I know how much fun eating like crap can be. It's fun when you're shoveling down the Little Debbies, but afterwards, you just feel guilty. You can't fully enjoy it because you know that that was detrimental to your goals. There's always that temptation to eat for fun and not for health, but its never as satisfying as it should be. I know that I'll benefit much more and feel healthier and have more energy if I don't imbibe.
Likewise, sin can be tempting in the moment. But it's all so short-sighted. The benefits of not giving into whatever (usually some form of selfishness...really, isn't all sin self-centered?) would help me to achieve my goal of knowing and pursuing Jesus whole-heartedly, but I'm so quick to trade my passion for a momentary idol. I guess that's why discipline is so important. If I'm disciplined in eating correctly, it makes it easier to be more disciplined in pursuing Jesus. Is that weird? My brain might just be wired weirdly.

I have a thousand other things on my heart, but I probably won't share too much right now. But I will say this....I heard several stories this weekend about boys being wishy-washy and leaving a girl in limbo while he figures out what he wants. I saw more of that non-sense on tv today too. I can't escape it lately. It makes me so angry! Even Christian guys...i mean, seriously?? THIS is what Godly woman have to deal with? I don't understand it! How do guys not know what they want and why would they dare to involve a girl unless they had a purpose? Maybe I'm just naive. I don't know.
oooh the other thing that bugs me is that girls don't expect that much. I might've phrased that wrong. Because I'm putting the blame on them, I'm again blaming the guys. They shouldn't be able to get away with a simple flowers and candy on valentine's day. seriously!?? Where is the creativity, the hard work, the effort? This is probably just an INFJ thing, but my goodness, I would want to have to work for it! I would want to have to woo her and charm her and pursue her. I'm not saying a girl should play games or anything, but guys should know what they want and be adamant about pursing her. Maybe I live in a dream world. ...yeah, probably. But flowers and candy or a date to a restaurant doesn't scream romance. I mean, it's a good start, but...well, i can't tell you what I-I-I would do because I can't have you stealing my ideas! I'm just all about the passionate, romantic pursuit. But again, I'm probably a bit naive. And I reckon that there are lot of girls that don't really want that anyway! And I guess that's ok. I just don't like seeing guys not have to work for it. If you like someone, they should FEEL it. They should feel like a dang Disney princess! eh. off my soapbox. sorry.

Whoa...this is long and i feel like i hardly said anything! yikes. Sorry for once again not saying anything of substance. Your eyes deserve a reward for all that readin'. Here's a picture.

Dr. Piper and the Bleekers! random.

A review you need to read to believe!

2010-04-19T22:03:00.000-05:00

Best blog you'll ever read.

It's thought-provoking look at an American icon.

May your eyes smile

2010-04-06T08:40:00.000-05:00

oh! also, I feel like you need a picture to look at so you don't get bored reading my blog. I know my readers have super duper short attention spans and if I don't entertain your eyeballs, you'll leave me forever. So here you go.

I drank this every day of my youth. Slimer. Ecto Cooter. May ye Rest In Peace. There will never be another like you.

Cherry-Vanilla Frutopia. You were my drink of choice in 2003. Frutopia was my hero. You were always in my tummy and in my brain.We were intimately acquainted. However, were we to meet today, you would be way too sweet and utterly disgusting to me. I reject you, you nasty little turd.

Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel in this neat bottle, I remember you fondly. Sometimes, in my loneliest of moments, I yearn for you. I yearn for you like no man should year for a soda pop. Your taste is still on my tongue. Sweet to the last drop. I remember a day that I bought you at 7-11 after church, but couldn't get your lid off, so I hammered you against the side of a Long John Silver's building and you exploded everywhere. Thanks for that. Those are the memories I miss the most.

What shall we say about Slice Grape? From ages 10-16, you were my constant companion. My truest friend. It is because of you that I can't even drink grape soda anymore. Too sweet. Besides, nothing could ever compare to you, my love. If I grow up to be a brittle old man, I will know that you have never left me, your acidic sweetness still with me, eating away at my bones.

There. are your eyes entertained? Now you can read my wordy blogs.

Here is a blog!

2010-04-06T08:21:00.000-05:00

I watched the old Bourne Identity and not to be a loser, but I liked it a lot better than the Matt Damon one. They're just very different. The old one closely resembles the book. That trilogy are some of my favorite books ever! For days after the movie, I felt like I was in the middle of reading a Ludlum novel and had to remind myself that it was just a movie I'd seen. The movie was made in the late 80's, which I think is probably best because the book was written somewhere around 1980, so all the technology would've been nearly the same. If you make that movie now, there's no way that you'll stay true to a book from 30 years ago because how are you going to make a modern movie without cells phones and computers and high-tech stuffs? Plus, the old version is 3 hours, and that's good. That's how you know there's lots of plot!
I don't get the hype about the iPad. Explain it to me. It's not even as good as an iPhone! It's a big iTouch. It's not even as functional as a netbook! I seriously don't understand why anyone needs or even wants one of these things! It's all gimmick! Who wants something that can only run one application at a time? How helpful is that? But, this is typical Apple. They release something new and innovative, everyone will go and buy it, then 6 months later they'll release a slightly better version with the functions they forgot in the first model. Mark my words! By the end of the year, I'm sure there will be a newer iPad with a camera, maybe a speakerphone, possibly GPS or a word-processing app or something like that. They purposefully leave that simple stuff out of the first release so that everyone will have to go buy a new one, even if they already have the old one. They did the exact same thing with the iPhone. Ask Eli! He had to go buy the newest one not long after he'd bought the first one because they'd improved it so much. They do the same thing with their computers and other hardware. It's a genius scam!
My favorite part of the Easter story is when the curtain separating the holy of holies gets torn in the temple. That's such a small little detail of the story that often gets overlooked, but the symbolism and ramifications are HUGE! AH!! I love that!! I love seeing the sacrificial system done away with once and for all. He's no longer accepting sacrifices. oh my sweet mercy! That sacrificial system was such a beast. It's like this tidal wave of grace, blew in and swept it all away instantly! So not only do we don't have to go through that whole process, but we can go directly to God ourselves! HE is our high priest! BAM! that's freaking awesome! We don't have to rely on someone else, we don't have to rely on our holiness or their holiness, we don't have to make amends for all the things we've done wrong. He has paid it all and we can talk directly to Him. We're already covered! No more sacrifices. Not that we don't try. It still seems to be a part of our evangelical mindset, but it shouldn't be! HE is our once-and-for-all sacrifice. I'm not sure we'll ever grasp how truly powerful and humbling that is!
I think I wanted to tell you something else as well. If I remember, I'll probably tell you later. My mind is on baseball and the ranch, so I can't really concentrate. I just want to drive down to the ranch and make the rest of the world go away for a while. or forever. umm.....dang....I wish I could remember what awesome thing I wanted to tell you.
Eat your veggies and drink your soda!
-J

2010-03-28T17:27:00.000-05:00

Today I hung out with Hannah Goetz. I'm thinking about making her one of my bffs. but I don't know. Her teeth are awesome. Way better than mine. I like to have friends that have teeth as bad or worse than my own. I feel much more comfortable that way. I feel normal. It's a small miracle that Sara and I are friends, cuz her teeth look like they were fashioned out of marble by an Italian artist. Hannah's teeth are pretty much that kind of perfect too. I mean, it's nice to look at, but it's a lot to live up to. ya know?
But basically, this was one of those days where you meet someone so amazing that you know that you'll never be the same. Kinda like the day I discovered Kashii cereal. I can tell that my life has already changed just by knowing her. People that awesome radically change your life just by being in their presence. So yeah, I can verify, she's pretty cool for a person. I would say that she earns an A+. No, I'm sorry, she earns an A. I have to dock her because she hates burritos. That's weird. I don't know any Americans who don't like burritos. That seems unpatriotic. People think burritos are Hispanic in nature, but they aren't. They're straight-up American.
    Also, why do I act like such an immature little kid? argh. that bothers me. I'm trying to figure it out. I think it's largely an introvert-based quality. I'm awkward and maybe kinda shy about being real. It's also probably because I spend so much time on my own that when I'm with a bunch of people, it gives me absurd energy...and I know that sounds like that kinda goes against my introvert theory, but it actually doesn't. um....yeah I can't really explain that. or at least, I'm not going to try. I probably COULD explain it.
      I like good conversation, I like to know about people's lives, but I guess I'm awkward in approaching that. I'm sitting there across from Jill and I have a million questions that I'd love to ask about her life, but...I didn't really say anything. I always feel like I come off like a jerk. I do, don't I? I'm just awkward. I swear I really do have quite a vibrant heart underneath all the childish behavior.
I get frustrated with myself on days like these. I get so excited that I act so immature.
        I love baptism days. Makes me cry. But we didn't get to sing at all! what the heck?!? that's my favorite part normally! ah well, kinda worth it. But still, I would've stayed an extra half-hour if we could've sang more! I love baptism days. I really, really, really do. I love my church, I love my pastor, I love my homegroup. I love sitting in church sunday morning and hearing the voices of the Redeemed all joined together with one focus. Blows my heart away.
bye.

Broccoli

2010-03-09T13:05:00.001-06:00

Don't tell anyone, but I do kinda like broccoli. Especially if it's cooked. It's not quite yummy, but definitely not horrible!

But let's let this be our little secret, yes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

2010-03-03T08:25:00.000-06:00

I need a new blog, so here are a few random things. I have bits and pieces of several blogs running through my mind, but I haven't had the time. Some day I'll have something good, but until then, here's this...

I'm glad the stupid Bachelor is over. That show makes me mad like nothing else! It's the most offensive thing on tv, no question in my mind. Worse than all that garbage on VH-1? Worse then MTV and E!?? yes. yes. yes!! This show completely mocks God's standard of love and marriage, but what makes it worse than any other shows is that it is presented as REALITY. yeah Jersey Shore is insane (Ok i've never actually seen it) but no one watching it is sitting there with googily eyes swooning over it and hoping to live a life like that some day. No. Everyone laughs at that show because it's so ridiculous and so far removed from reality!
The Bachelor gives women the impression this is what actual LOVE looks like. He's a whore. She's a whore. They're all whores! That's all it is. We celebrate prostitution as standard of romance and love.
They're selling themselves for fake notion "love" that's about as deep as a puddle. Selling America this idea of romance that couldn't be further from the truth, it makes me wanna vomit. How can grown adult women watch this show?? I could see junior high girls watching it and falling for the notion that this is what romance looks like, but seriously, grown women??
But I mean, that's just my opinion! Of course, Leap Year was one of my favorite movies of the last year, so that shows ya how shallow I am!

I'm going to run the chicago marathon. probably not this year. Although it's in October...oh but you have

to register in like June, so yeah probably not this year. Besides, I'd like to qualify in some races here first so that I can start closer to the front in Chicago. That's the dream anyway. The race starts at Grant park, goes all the way up to Wrigley and back down to Chinatown! Can you imagine?? I could've never imagined running all the way to Chinatown! Sometimes walking two blocks to the EL to get to Chinatown seemed impossible. I'm pretty excited about actually doing this. There's no better way to see chicago and all of it's little neighborhoods than on foot. Gotta stick with my training and I'll get there! wooo weee!!

I'm excited about the weather starting to get warmer, but I'm going to miss my winter clothing. Why is winter clothing so awesome?? I have WAY more summer clothing, but none of it can compare to the winter stuff. Winter is nice, but I'm much more of a summer person. Winter is for lovers. Summer is singles' weather. But I hate that women think that gives them permission to take of virtually ALL their clothes. What is wrong with you? We don't need to see all your hoohas and whatnots! Save a little something! geez! And I HATE halter tops. (I hate them because I love them in ways that I shouldn't) seriously. maybe I'm a stodgy ole Amish fella, but what right do Christian ladies have to be wearing that kinda junk?

I remember when I used to NEVER drink water and would brag about how I hate it. (why, or even how, would you brag about something like that?) But now water is ALL that I drink, save for a glass for V-8 Fusion every day.

It's march. One of the sexiest months, by far. Here's how I would rank the months by their sexiness factor:
1. April
2. October
3. September
4. March
5. November
6. May
7. December
8. June
9. July
10. August
11. January
12. February

Part of what makes March so sexy is that it's birthed out of the most unsexy months of the year, which only enhances it's inherent sexiness! It pains me to have to put my beloved July so far towards the bottom, especially because it has it's own unique sexiness. But the sexiness of July can't hold a candle to the overpowering sexiness of a month like November when the air is crisp and the anticipation of thanksgiving and Christmas is blowing up our hearts.

When you think about the sexiness of the months, doesn't it make you love Jesus more? It does for me. I get overwhelmed with thinking about all the beauty that He built into this old world. It's funny because a lot of times life is hard and gross, dirty and sad, yet when you step back and just think about the months and season, it's like fireworks going off in your heart. There's still that explosion of beauty built into this planet despite all the horrible ugly things that go on down here. It makes me realize how blessed we are despite of how our short-sighted eyes and current circumstances hold us down. Winter is romantic, yet harsh. But after that bleakness of those frozen months, the hope of spring blossoms. As the earth springs back to life, my heart

is defrosted. There will always be those brief moments when the smell carried on the wind brings back a memory so vivid and sweet that it makes you laugh (or cry, depending on how you express joy!) I LOVE those moments. That's why spring and autumn (which is a word I love. vastly superior to "fall") are so highly-anticipated in my heart. I get antsy at the end of February because I know that spring is coming and with it the briskness in the air that, for brief moments, transport me back to being 13 and thinking I was in love or being 16 and driving my friends to Taco Bell in my jalopy. You never know when it'll hit you, what memory it'll bring or where it'll transport you. That's part of the joy, just being surprised and captivated.

am I insane? or do other people feel this way too?

Also, this guy's blog is one of my favorite things. Maybe you have to actually know him for it to be hilarious, but it cracks me up like nothing else.

.

2010-02-14T10:08:00.000-06:00

Don't call it Single's Awareness Day. seriously, that's bitter and annoying. It's a lovely day, just enjoy it!

Put a smile on your face and be a happy little human!

2010-02-11T08:40:00.000-06:00

Snowy days are the best days for spending some time with old friends like Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, yes?

And when they've concluded their visit, Winnie the Pooh. He's a perfect companion on a blustery day.

A blog just cuz!

2010-02-08T08:58:00.002-06:00

This will be all over the place because I simply don't feel like taking the time to organize my thoughts.

First.
Just read this great blog. Ok it's not like it's real deep or anything, but it's an interesting topic that is never

really discussed. I've often wondered how introverts are supposed to share the Gospel with people. If God wants them to share their faith openly with anyone, why make introverts? The church always seems to treat and preach as if everyone is extremely extroverted. I've thought that was an intriguing topic, and I've never found much written about it from a Biblical perspective (not that I've really searched). So I'm pretty jazzed about reading this book. Of course, that's once I have $13 to spare and a giant chunk of free time to read. hahaha....right.

Second.
On my way home from the gym yesterday, I was mindlessly listening to my iPhone and this song came on, which I also wasn't paying attention to until I heard a couple lines that rang out as if sung from a bullhorn. They've have now been echoing around in my brain for the last 17 hours or so.

It's Tenth Avenue North. I looked up the lyrics just now so I could post the couple lines that blew up my

heart and I found that it was written by Phillip LaRue (from that brother-sister group "LaRue" from back in the day! That's the picture on the left. Remember them? hahhahaha!!) and Jason Ingram (I went to school with his brother, Ryan!) I thought that was kinda funny, but I digress.
The song is called "By Your Side" and if this is some old song that everyone knows but me, then just sue me.
The two lines my heart is hung-up on are:

"Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn Grace?"
and
"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"

whoa. simple...but....hit me right where I'm at. Earning grace and looking for love are the two biggest issues that have been weighing on my mind/heart lately. I'm not going to elaborate bc I know this entry would instantly become unreasonably long. I love this song and I'm going to listen to it a lot now. I know I can't earn grace, yet I still catch myself conforming to that mindset. shhhhh....you said you weren't going to elaborate! oh yeah. my bad!

Third.

Have you noticed there's been an resurgence of bands from the late 90's?? yeah! For some reason they're all magically popping up with new albums out of the blue! Third Eye Blind, Our Lady Peace, Collective Soul,

Better Than Ezra, uhhh...there were several more, but I can't remember. I don't think that Matchbox 20 and Goo Goo Dolls have released anything very recently. Maybe a few years ago? I'd love it if they made some

new music for me! But only if it's awesome. If it sucks, then don't bother. I want it to sound like the old stuff that we love. Maybe the Goo Goo Dolls could write a new one called "White Balloon" or "Acoustic #4" and Matchbox20 could record "4AM" and "Pull"
These are serious suggestions, people! Somebody make this happen!!

Breasts are the BEST!

2010-02-05T12:06:00.000-06:00

What's wrong with this picture?

Hahaha!!! I know I'm not the most brilliant guy around, but I fail to see the relation between the two. Anyone?
The closest connection I can come up with is maybe...breast cancer? HA!
Yeah, I didn't click the video to reveal the mystery.

Kinda funny though, right?

It's Tuesday, I'm in love

2010-02-02T08:48:00.002-06:00

           Here’s another simple, easy concept that I’ve begun to see from a different angle. I know this isn’t revolutionary, but sometimes when things are said in a certain way, it allows me to see the same old truths in a different light. I was thinking about how the disciples were constantly misunderstanding Jesus and even though they thought they understood, they were completely missing what He was actually saying or doing. They really thought they got it, but they simply couldn’t see what was actually going on. When He drove the money changers out of the Temple and dared them to tear the Temple down and He would rebuild it in three days, they were pretty much lost. But after He died, BAM! that instantly made sense to them and they suddenly seemed to understand everything!
They had lived their whole life seeing things one way (ie – believing the Messiah would come to bring political peace) and when confronted with the truth time and time again, they still couldn’t see correctly. They were constantly jockeying for position and favor, thus missing everything they’d been teaching them! Time and time again they were missing out on what was really going on even though it was staring them in the face. But once He died, they started to remember what He’d told them and everything suddenly made sense.
Then, of course, He appears to them and instantly they’re like completely different people - they finally understand, they’re confident, they’re bold with no fear. They’re completely different from who they were a few days ago. Once they saw things through the context of the cross, it all made sense.

                In thinking about this, it made my heart soar with the gratitude that we (as Believers) already have the cross. We don’t have to stumble around trying to guess at what’s really going on. We don’t have to be clueless. He’s already revealed Himself to us and shown us the truth about Himself, about the world, about life, about everything! The disciples weren’t able to see things through the context of the cross until after it happened. But for us, it’s already happened, so there’s no guesswork! We get to see all of life through the cross, which make everything make sense! How blessed are we?? We know that life is not as it appears. We know what’s really going on. We can see the world & life as it really is, without the mask of the superficial daily life. We understand the meaning behind life.
    Okay, here’s an infamous lame Jordan analogy….it’s like we’re watching life on a blu-ray player and can see the behind-the-scenes at the same time as we’re actually living life. Hahaha….I know, I know, but that’s the best I got! But I think that makes sense, right? We see the deeper meaning, we see the purpose, we have a better idea of what He’s doing. The disciples just saw the external actions of what Jesus was doing and didn’t really get what He was doing spiritually. We’re prone to do the same thing, except we don’t have to! He’s given us Christ, He’s given us His Word, He’s given us the Holy Spirit. So we aren’t left to our own devices in trying to see life clearly. No, He reveals it to us and guides us along the way.

                Without Jesus, you’re only seeing the top layer, the superficial external actions of the world. With Jesus you get all the depth and richness behind it all. We can see the overall context in light of His glory and the purpose of our existence, and that makes it all make sense. Not to say that non-Believers can’t enjoy life deeply. Of course they can! But you won’t be able to enjoy these gifts on the deepest level until you understand their intended purpose as you see it all through the cross and understand that we’re just victims of grace.
Looking at all of life through the cross, makes everything make more sense.

Thinking of it from a fresh perspective again, absolutely blows my heart up with joy and gratitude. We’re so blessed to be living in the time we’re living in! We have the cross, He has revealed Himself, He has given Himself to us! I’m overwhelmed and humbled.

I apologize if I lost ya’ll at any point during this. Sometimes words (& especially emotion-filled words) don’t translate from my heart to paper very well. I think I repeated myself a lot and probably should have gone more in-depth with examples to illustrate how rich and beautiful life is when seen correctly....buuuut...i didn't. Oooh and can I say that it's not really that life itself is so beautiful, rather that He is so beautiful that His overwhelming love for us (and really, His love for Himself) breathes meaning into life by allowing us the joy of knowing, experiencing and serving Him.
or yeah.

.

. I just really like this picture. It makes me feel.

Off-topic

2010-01-30T12:07:00.001-06:00

Honestly, I have several thoughts that I’ve been processing this week and I need to write it down and get it organized. So I have decided to think out loud. I swear I'll write something less childish and more heart-y tomorrow!

            First of all, I’m wondering how many people have relationships, love, a girl, a guy, etc. playing a huge role in their thinking, even if it’s unconsciously. I think that whole topic probably plays a huge role in people’s lives and we don’t even realize. It's not something people talk about casually. Especially guys. If romance and relationships are close to a man's heart and on their mind a lot, they tend to hide it. If you hung out with me for a day, I'm not sure you'd ever suspect that my heart is longing to romance a woman. That's such a personal desire, but I wonder how many people deeply yearn for those same thing?
How often does the pursuit of romance play a role in people’s true motivation? It’s an interesting thought. I’m always surprised when someone reveals something about themselves that exposes how important or even how consuming the idea of a relationship is to them. I shouldn’t be surprised, but a lot of people hide that yearning really, really well. I’d probably have to include myself in that category as well. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but not my heart. I have no idea if that will make sense to ya’ll. Maybe if you know me it’ll translate.
            So considering that’s something that’s on a lot of people heart constantly, does that make is harder to trust people? You don’t know what people’s motivation might be, you don’t know if they’re trying to win your affection or if they’re just using you to get closer to someone else. It’s messed-up. (I tend to just trust people, so I don’t struggle with this so much, but I have seen the effects of this mindset on some of my friendships.)
It drives me crazy that when we like someone, we play games, subtly hint at our underlying emotions and try to win their affection without telling them how we feel.
How many times have I wanted to just sit down with someone and tell them all the things I admire about them? Even if they don’t share your feelings, to still be able to expound on the thousand amazing qualities you see in them has got to be the most freeing feeling ever!
            As Christian brothers, one of our roles is guardian of my sisters’ hearts, so we have to very careful in how we approach them, so as not to play games, or worse, damage their hearts. That’s not something to take lightly. Our primary intention is to bring glory to God, and in this situation we do that by deeply, deeply valuing her heart.
            Whoa…I’m waaay off-topic from what I started out to write about! But basically what I was just trying to express is my hatred of selfish attraction. Pursuing someone isn’t a game or entertainment. I don’t understand how people can flirt or like someone that they wouldn’t want to seriously pursue. Don’t waste her time, don’t play her heart. I see it all the times and it makes me want to puke. If you like her then for pete’s sake, just tell her! But of course, only if that’s in the best interest of her heart and only if you’re serious about pursuing her. If everyone would just be honest, it would sure help us trust one another. Compliments wouldn’t be taken the wrong way and contemplated for deeper (and untended) meanings. People wouldn’t question your motives. That would be nice.

This is long. And lame. I feel it’s more out of my brain than my heart. Should I continue? Cuz this would be ridiculously long! Or should I just write and post the rest later? Hmm…I think that’s what I’ll do.

Here's some pictures to make up for the utter craptacity of this post.

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A family photo from thanksgivin'

A random after-church Panda picture! go panda go panda go panda go!

. I'm thinking about maybe living here. ...in Heaven. cuz I'd never waste this kinda money on Earth, even though that view pretty much forces you to worship.

That picture of Coach Z below is really distracting me! All I can think about is "Coach Z and Peacey P cold rappity rap!" "that man just ordered breakfast in the middle of my rap song!" "It's gonna rocket straight to the bottom of the BET charts!" hahaha! I don't know why he makes me laugh SO hard! it's ridiculous.
There's a greater than zero chance that I'm retarded.

a bunch of nothin'

2010-01-29T08:02:00.003-06:00

Just a bumch of random things bounching around my head, so bear with me. First of all, yes, I just said “bumch” and “bounching”. It’s 7am and I can barely see my keyboard, but those misspellings are making me laugh, so I’m not changing them.
     I don’t understand all these gamers. I guess I’ve been thinking about that briefly this week because I rented the movie “Gamer” this week (which, after receiving, I realized that I have zero interest in watching because it looks seriously dumb, so I sent it back unwatched.) It also seem like dudes are talking more and more about vidya games on facebook. I’m almost proud of myself for figuring out that COD means Call of Duty and not “cash on delivery” as we’re familiar with from all those delightful infomercials.
     I’ve never been much of a gamer. Life is short and we’re accountable for how we use our time, so I’m just uncomfortable using my time like that. Plus, I just don’t think it’s that much fun. The only time I play vidya games is when people are over. It doesn’t seem like such a waste of time if you’re spending time with people. Even still, we never play shooty games. It’s all Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, Risk or Mario. Love that little fellow! Oooh…and I did download the Strongbad game to the wii this week, so I’m waiting for someone to come over and play it with me.
     This brings me to my next point. I love Coach Z. Is there anyone funnier than him? Don’t get me wrong, Strongbad and Homestar and Bubs are all hilarious, but give me Coach Z any day! His voice, that yankee accent, and the hilarious way that he phrases things kill me! So I think it’s important that you understand that I love Coach Z. He’s terribly important to me.

     Next, these commercials for When in Rome are terrible…they have Kristen Bell (birthday buddy!) and Josh Duhamel standing in front of the camera talking about the movie like it really happened. They stand there making jokes about the movie. Shouldn't you let the movie speak for itself? It’s weird, and so incredibly awkward. It makes me so uncomfortable for them. Ahh!! this commercial make me uncomfortable! Yet, I still want to see that movie. I’m sure I won’t see it in theaters though, since I rarely go to the cinema anymore. I'll see if i can find the commercial for you.
I’m taking some time off today and I’m excited about spending some time in the gym.

Weekends are better when you don’t have a buttload of homework. Did you know that? It’s true! Proven fact.

     I wish I had more time to read MY books and not school junk. At least my textbooks are starting to get kinda interesting since they’re more major-specific.

    I'm sure i sound completely vapid for writing about nothing but fluff lately. I feel guilty about not talking about anything real or serious. I want to. I do. I have a lot on my heart. I want to share what I’m learning and what’s weighing on me, but I’m long-winded. Brevity is not my friend.
So, I guess I need to just find a huge chunk of time where I can sit down and write everything down, then go back and make sure it’s coherent outside of my head, then go back and try to make it as short as possible. Seriously, who has that much time? *sigh* someday. Someday.

.
oh yeah.....these guys look exactly alike, right??? seriously! I saw the guy on the left at the gym and creepishly took his photo and on the right, world-renown architect, Ted Mosby! I'm having a hard time getting people to agree that they look similar, but are you kidding me?!?!?

Don't read this!

2010-01-26T19:07:00.000-06:00

Creth Davis taught me that "a lot" is two words. He taught me that many, many moons ago.

I wouldn't say that it drives me nuts when people say "alot" but I can't imagine how THAT many people haven't learned that. Also, they're/their and easy stuff like that. How is that confusing??

Not to say that we don't all make mistakes and accidentally type the wrong word, but SO MANY people genuinely have no idea what the difference is. It doesn't make me crazy, it just makes me feel like a genius!

On the flip side, I suck at capitalization, commas and dangling participles. I need to review my grammar rules. Does it drive people nuts that sometimes I don't bother to capitalize "I"? I could see that making people crazy. i apologize.

In conclusion, ya'll's need to learn to spell goodlier!! geez, America!

Bagels & Schmear

2010-01-25T09:33:00.002-06:00

Schmear is such a disgusting word.

Bagels are good though.

Attention Ladies!

2010-01-22T07:50:00.001-06:00

For years I have worn Abercrombie's Woods cologne. However, after attempting to purchase a new bottle at the store, I found out they haven't sold it in years. You can purchase it on ebay at $150 for half a bottle. Yes. That's correct. Look it up.

So I need to alert womankind that I will no longer be smelling like a stylish, debonair international businessman whose aroma has captured your heart. Instead, I will be smelling like a classy lumberjack. My new scent is manly, perhaps too manly for some. My fragrance will now remind you of a dashing construction worker wearing a tie. It's gritty and manily, yet reeks of sophistication.

I have about 1oz. of Woods left, so please bid adieu to the aroma of a swanky playboy who's dressed so exquisitely he might even be a spy. Goodbye to that Jordan, surely all the memories we made in that cologne will be sorely missed.

But please let's take a moment to savor the thought of the new Jordan, who's obscenely sensual scent brings to mind that of an astronaut petting a kitten - genteel and gracious yet appallingly masculine.

Thank you for your time. I apologize that you now have to go about your day with the crippling anticipation of the redolence you will one day encounter.

Matt Chandler Quote: Brilliant

2010-01-21T07:57:00.009-06:00

“The Holy Spirit uses Driscoll in a lot of ways. Driscoll can tell you that you are stupid on a Sunday morning and everyone will say, 'yes I am, how can I be saved?' But, if you try and be Mark, instead of who God has called you to be, you are going to look like a bunch of jackasses!”

(Matt Chandler - quote from the Contend Earnestly Blog, which is also awesome)

Love has come down, Grace has a name.

2010-01-19T07:56:00.002-06:00

We sang my favorite song on Sunday. "You are the Light" ohmysweemercy! I listen to that song nearly every morning and still it continues to slap me across the face. Love it. AND not only did we sing that, but it was Bleekerized and at the end of "You are the Light, he went straight into "Hosanna", but not the blechy parts, the GOOD part!! You know, the "Heal my heart and make it clean..." part! I rarely listen to "Hosanna" on my phone because it's sooo long and the only part of that song that I even like is that verse, but I really LOVE that verse, it always makes me cry. So he blended "You are the Light" and the good part of "Hosanna" and my soul exploded all over the place. Such a wonderful Sunday. WONDERFUL!
And Matt's sermon was spot-on and I don't know why, but I teetered on springing a leak the whole time. I'm lame like that. He just makes me love Jesus so much. Doesn't take much to make me cry the happy tears. (Ironically, it takes a lot for me to cry sad tears.)
I would also like to say that I was at that Michael W. Smith/dc talk concert that Matt talked about attending back in the good ole days, but instead of thinking it was lame, I thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen in my entire life and it launched a disturbingly unhealthy obsession with dc Talk. I remember that concert. It was at Reunion Arena. It was the first time I saw dc talk. It was after Nu Thang came out. Man they were so radical! I remember them saying something about D-boy Rodriguez, who was a Christian rapper who'd been killed in Dallas recently. I was a little tiny kid, but I remember this concert clearlyish.
Another thing Matt mentioned is how ridiculous the "Preach the Gospel always. If necessary, use words" quote is. I was glad to hear him say that because I've always had problems with that saying, yet it's practically been canonized by the Christian world.
It was really great to hear more of Matt's story too. I've heard most of it several times. I feel like I know Jeff Fairclaw personally. Ha! But Matt opened up and filled in some small gaps, so that was awesome.
It was just great. It was an amazing sermon, and an amazing Sunday.

I have the whole week off from school. Why? Because of MLK day, I think. nice!

On the way home (before we stopped at Panda Express of course!) Joel was looking through this new book that I bought to keep in my car. It's called The Conversation Piece and it's filled with intriguing questions like "What is one thing you wish had never been invented?" and "If you had the opportunity to walk through one celebrity's house, who would it be?"
So he's flipping through it and reading the questions to himself and he finally turned to me said, "Where are the answers??" Hahahaha!! I hope he was kidding, but he looked so serious that I don't think he was.
That little fella never ceases to make me laugh!

I feel like I have a lot more inside of me that is dying to get out, but I don't know what it is, and this post is long enough, so I'll just leave you in peace. [smiley face, ya'll]

Here's a random picture of Matt standing next to the radiation machine. He's completely bald now. It works. He has the most awesome scar I've ever seen. I'm almost jealous.

2010-01-11T16:43:00.001-06:00

Days like today remind me of how truly weak I am and how I don't know crap about anything. It's one of I'll-never-fully-understand-myself days and I have to throw myself on the mercy of the cross because I can see my patheticness oozing out of me.

Any human would think I'm insane and wouldn't understand. Including myself.

But thank God that He loves and loves and loves. Thank God it's about Him and not me. Thank God nothing is dependent on me and my strength. Ha!

Here's our family's Christmas card this year.
.

Church & Truth

2010-01-11T08:23:00.001-06:00

I went to some church yesterday to hear J.I. Packer. Yeah I have no idea what church it was. Hillcrest something or something. It was an Anglican church, which was very interesting to me.

I'm kinda weird. hahaha..."kinda". No, I'm full-blown weird. Stained glass gives me the heebie jeebies like none other. I think it's because it reminds me of old time religion, which also gives me to heeber jeebers. I don't like being reminded of the churches I grew up in and visited when I was younger. Back then there so little heart in church. So many rules and lessons and stories, but so little heart. Anything that jogs my mind of old timey church makes my skin crawl.
This was a very liturgical church, kinda similar to a Catholic church in many ways, except I really do believe they had good theology. OH! they had an organ! Doesn't that send chills down your spine?? Stained glass AND an organ!! Why on earth did the American church insist for so long that the organ was God's chosen instrument? I mean really??? The organ has been culturally irrelevant for decades, if not centuries! Yet we clung to that old pipe demon like it was Jesus Himself. yuck. I don't like those things. (and I didn't like how there was no reason or explanation for why things were a certain way in church. "that's just the way it's always been done!")
   anyway, there was kneeling and standing and corporate response frequently. It was fine, just different. I had to guard my heart from looking down on them or assuming that they believed a lesser Gospel than I simply because they're a little different and perhaps a little more home-schooly. These are my brothers and sisters. It was an interesting experience. I missed Matt, Bleeker and my Village family.

During the meet and greet portion (wow, haven't had to partake in one of those in a long time!) I met the girl in front of me, who was maybe my age. eh. I don't know. I'm terrible at judging ages. She wasn't in junior high, I know that much for certain. Anyway, I was talking to her, and she was a visitor from Believer's Bible Chapel just down the road. She asked where I go to church and I said "The Village" and she perked up "Oh my whole church is praying for Matt Chandler!" I thanked her for that, and we talked about JI Packer and John Piper.

I never ceased to be absolutely ASTONISHED at how deep his influence runs. It seems like everyone knows and adores Matt. I know how much God has used him in my life, but it's incredible to see that God has used him so much in other people's lives as well. Why Matt? My parent's pastor has cancer too, yet no one knows him or mentions him. They go to a larger church than mine! It's odd to me. But that little experience in church washed my heart in gratitude for everything God has done in me, and through Matt and through our church.

As I was talking to the girl, I looked ahead a few rows and there was a guy I know from The Village! How dang random is that???? There were maybe a hundred people in that church yesterday. The Village is huge, like 4000 people maybe? I only know a handful of people there, a minuscule percentage, yet there just so happened to one of the people I know at this little church. There was no point to that story, I just thought it was funny.

I enjoyed JI Packer. He's old. He's no Piper, in MY opinion. And my opinion is probably retarded. I was thinking about all the speakers I've gotten to hear. Who's left now? I've seen all my favorites...Matt Chandler, Mark Driscoll, Francis Chan, John Piper, JI Packer, Alister Begg, James McDonald, Brennan Manning.....who's left? I've seen them all. I'd be kinda proud about that, except I know that puts a responsibility on me. I've heard SO much truth, I KNOW so much truth. I know that I will be held accountable for what I've done and what I do with the truth that He has given to me. There's a weight to that. There's so much joy in the truth He's allowed me to hear and know, but there's a weight to it as well.

Yeah, really was pretty much a pointless post. I was just thinking through yesterday and decided to write to down. I didn't really get to share any heart vomit with you. But I guess that's okay.

olden times

2010-01-03T16:20:00.000-06:00

So i found this the other day. Apparently I wrote it while Creth and Clint were at my house! hahaha....i was such a loser. why didn't somebody tell me??

3-8-99

I woke up to the thunder. That is really nice. Actually makes you want to get up. I love rainy weather. But then u heard small children's voices. I thought I'd imagined it, but Patrick and Kelsey were here. I kind of helped entertain them. Later, I went to Funcoland and got 3 games. Creth called when I got back and wanted me to go over there. I went. We played 2 rounds of Blitz. Then we sat and talked to his brother for an hour about what he should preach on for disciple now. That was interesting. His brother is a good role model. Jill and Shelly had decided they wanted to go to Souper Salads earlier, so we came back here and me and Creth and Clint and Al and Jessica and Lauren went. I didn't think anyone would be working that I knew. But, Katy and Abby were there. I talked briefly with Katy. I felt weird, because it wasn't actually my idea to go there! I don't know what they thought. I made sure to leave Katy a nice tip. Then we all came here. Al and Creth and Clint went to Hollywood, while me and Lauren and Jessica watch some of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead. Jess left. They came back with Half Baked. I told them i wouldn't watch it, but told them they could. We ended up watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit in the garage. Natalie and Olivia came over. Creth and Clint are spending the night, because we were going to roll Paul. The hard part may be getting rid of them tomorrow. I need to clean my room before Renee gets home. Also, she gets home tomorrow (finally!!) I'll be wanting to talk to her or spend some time with her without them around. Anyway, it was nice to see Katy today. I wish we were better friends. I also want Autumn to come back!! But Renee gets home tomorrow!!
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This was in Florida

and if you feel lost and tired, this is your song...

2009-12-26T12:45:00.000-06:00

In all of my obscene foresight and wisdom, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the hardest thing about marriage is deciding what to listen to in the car.

As the man, I believe it's my duty to serve my wife, so I'd let her decide. But is that something I can live with? What if she's perfectly normal hot, Godly woman, except that she loves European acid techo dance beats? What if that's ALL she likes?? Who would have ever thought that being a servant leader could be THAT hard??

One of my biggest dilemmas in life is deciding whether to talk or listen to music in the car. If I had my choice, it'd be music. Except I love good conversation and car rides are very conducive to that. But then again, is there really a better place to sing your lungs out then that friendly confines of your car? In your car, you can sing as loud and as awfully as you want, no matter who is in the car. That's a beautiful thing!

I'm not sure there's much I really love more than listening and singing to music. Oh my mercy I suck at singing, but I honestly couldn't care less.

When I buy a house, I don't really care how big it is...wait, that's a lie. I would love a house big enough for lots of entertaining and guests....but I really would like a big kitchen so that I can cook and listen to music and sing without bothering everyone else.

Ya dig?

Christmas eve

2009-12-25T11:13:00.000-06:00

Man, next year I need to go to the Christmas eve service alone, so that I can sit on the last row and just cry my eyes out.

God and sinner reconciled. Is there any greater gift?

I think I gave myself a headache yesterday trying to hold in all the tears where desperately trying to escape.

Christmas eve might be my favorite day of the year. It's SUCH a celebration!!

2009-12-21T08:31:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

i need my hands wrenched open because i think i care too much.

morning has broken

2009-12-18T08:30:00.000-06:00

I never get tired of watching the world wake up and come alive. Looking out from my view on the top floor, I watch the landscape come alive. It’s breathtaking and humbling. The night is leaving us and day is returning. As the sun slowly spreads itself out, cracking the fragile shell of darkness that has sheltered us, I watch lights all across the horizon everywhere tink off one by one as if the last hurrah of another successful night.
The still and peacefulness of night is once again transformed back into chaos and stress. The world that was recently blanketed in silence and solitude has given itself over to the cacophony of voices and engines. I am no longer alone as I fade into just another face in the restless masses.
There’s a hint of sadness in leaving the serene tranquility behind, yet within each morning there is a deep abiding joy. As the Earth is renewed again, so is my heart. The reflection of His overwhelming beauty explodes all over the landscape and all of creation is washed in His radiant sunlight and sparkles with the newness of the day; So my soul is scrubbed clean of any pride undermining my joy and I am once again caught up in the euphoria of His love that is fervently romancing me.

So, the solitude the night afforded me has nourished my heart in anticipation for joy of the day. What good is the night without the day?

The promise of hope is always on the horizon.

Take Delight

2009-12-17T07:16:00.001-06:00

My reading this morning was in 2 Peter. He’s talking about how He was a witness to Christ, His resurrection and transfiguration, and I misread it. It says, “…a voice came to Him from Majestic Glory: This is my Son, I take delight in Him.”

The way I read it, I though it said, “This is my Son, Take delight in Him.”

So that’s not what it says, but isn’t that a wonderful command nonetheless? Take delight in Him. Isn’t that what all of this is about? Isn’t that the purpose of our lives?

I don’t know that I can really expound on that any further. I was just left in awe this morning. I spent time thinking about Jesus and taking joy in Him. Not just joy in what He did for me, but joy in His overwhelming majesty! I always want to find my joy in who He is, and not just in the incredible things He’s done for me. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. My salvation isn’t about me, it’s about Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. It’s about who He is, and who He is demands praise. In the presence of a beauty that powerful, all you really want to do is worship and glorify Him! Heck, it’s so overwhelming, it’s all you really can do!
My only job is to submit to his magnificent glory. And how could you do anything less in the presence of such a glorious, loving King??

So yeah, I like the idea of taking delight in Him. That’s where our hope is. That’s where our hearts are hidden. He is everything we need. Take delight in Him and nothing else matters. His beauty put everything in perspective.

Come on down!

2009-12-16T08:25:00.001-06:00

This is an attempt to curb my freakish desire to always tell people when I dream about them. Whenever I wake up having dreamt about someone I always think, "Oh so-and-so would love this! They'll think it's so random and hilarious!!"
Um, no. It's creepy and weird.
So I'm trying to curb that ludicrous train of thought.

However, I-I-I do still find my dreams amusing, even if it's only because I was actually there to see how fun and hilarious they are.

So despite my better judgment, I found this a-moos-ing...

First I was at the gym. Or rather, I was at a gym, since this one had a roller coaster and carnival inside. But Jared Compton was there working out, and so was Tracy Osborn. Jared was trying to talk to me about S. Korea and catch up on life. Tracy, I don't know what she was doing. Just hanging out I guess. Some mean guy was hogging a machine I wanted to use, so I went to find something else to use and I fell in the pond.

Next dream, Joel and I were going to a taping of The Price is Right. We were waiting in line to get in and I told him to act really really excited so that they'd be sure to "randomly" pick our names to play. We got to fill out our own name tags, so I wrote "Jordan!!!!!!!" so that they'd know I was very excited. Haha! It seriously took me about 10 minutes to color in the exclamation points.

When I finally got done with my awesome name tag, I went inside the auditorium to find Joel (who at the point at turned into Drew Johnson instead). When I walked in I saw Karis Butler standing there waiting for, I assumed, more JBU people. Yeah, I thought that was weird even in my dream. I did a double take to make sure it was really her, but I couldn't mistake the hair. It was her. I thought, "Really? Karis? huh?? How odd. ooooh! We must be in Tulsa! okay. That makes sense. yeah there will probably be a lot of JBUers here. Oh, but wait. There's David Hatteberg! What would HE be doing in Tulsa?"
I going to go introduce myself to Karis and then talk to David for a while, but all of a sudden BAM! we were in the middle of the show being taped! They hadn't called my name yet, but I was on the front row watching it all.
The host? Dave Foley. of course....? oh and he wasn't just an actor, he was also an astronaut. Because that makes sense. I thought, "I can't remember the episode of Newsradio where he was an astronaut." Then I realized that was bc he really IS an astronaut now.

See? aren't my dreams fun??? you better not be shaking your head, because if you are, you're a liar! [smiley face]

.

. A young dave foley. He's one of the good Canadians.

a christmas miracle?

2009-12-15T19:41:00.000-06:00

I MIGHT have just almost cried at a Kay Jeweler's commercial.
Luckily I realized what I was doing and started laughing at myself before any real tears actually made it all the way out of my eyes.

Hahaha! Those stupid sweet commercials.

Oh man....what is wrong with me?

Does this mean I'm pregnant or something?

Oh gosh I hope not!

everyday sunday

2009-12-13T21:20:00.000-06:00

I wish every morning could start like Sunday starts. Why can't it?

Why couldn't we all meet at church at 7am every day, listening to Jesus being preached, join with the saints in singing to our Savior, then go about our day?

That would be the best life ever.

Heart vomit

2009-12-06T21:31:00.003-06:00

I have no idea where this blog is going to go.
I don't even know if it's a good idea to be writing anything right now.
All I really DO know is that this is going to be honest and probably embarrassing.
I shall reveal my ignorance to you now. [smiley face] (I don't use emoticons. those are for squares, man.)

My head and heart are blown in a thousand directions right now. I want to understand. I want to understand everything. I believe that my strongest desire in life is to pursue Christ and live a life of worship. But I'm SUCH a cognitive person that I come up with hundreds of questions a day trying to figure out what it means to be a Godly man.

This sanctification process is beating me senseless. I know it's good in the end, but it's friggin' hard. I'll think I have my heart figured out in one area, only to be unconvinced seemingly immediately. I just want to know the truth. I want to understand my heart, and understand what the HECK God is doing in situations in my life. I want to understand what things are from Him and which things are simply a result of my own sinful nature. I want to understand clearly what He's saying and what direction He wants me to go. even in the little things.

The sermon in church today was interesting. It wasn't dynamic or even necessarily enthralling, but God used some of it to blow open my mind.
I think the thing I find myself consistently anxious about it marriage. (I seriously hate admitting this.) I'm not sure there's really anything else in my life that makes me anxious.
I live a pretty well-examine life. But if I'm being honest with myself, when it comes to this arena, I tend to overestimate my role, which causes worry/stress/ungodly anxiety.
I find myself trying to conform to who I think my future wife would want me to be. Even though there's no one right now, I find myself living for her approval. yeah, i know, right? That doesn't even make sense. But it's absolutely true. I think about what she would think of me, and I judge myself accordingly.
I put a lot of attention on that area, and I get anxious thinking that it has to be my doing, that I have to control the situation and make things happen. I have to make her like me. I have to make her attracted to me. As if that's really even possible! HA!

I'm having a seriously difficult time explaining myself here. But basically, for me it all comes down to Matthew 6:33: But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My job is to pursue Him. He provides what I need. How do I lose focus of such a simple concept? Even in my pursuit of Him, I kinda take the reigns on certain issues. Like, I'll feel like it's my duty and my responsibility to make things happen, so I pray and pray that I would do His will and show me will. I so desperately want to know what He wants me to do, so I can do it. But in the end, it seems like He's saying just stop. If I really need the things I think I need, it's in His hands.
I get so caught up in the idea of not wanting to ask God for something and then not doing anything myself, and just being lazy? Like, "God, please help this situation to get resolved" and then not make any effort on my part and just expect Him to do everything. I fight against that idea SO hard that I unknowingly swing back in the other direction and I start trying to do more than has been allotted for me. Some things are out of my control, and there's nothing that I-I-I can do about it, but I want to do my part, but I don't know what God is telling me to do, and I don't know what His end result will be....and I get anxious.
It's stupid and I really can't explain it.
A couple weeks ago, they wasn't really even an issue for me at all.
How do I subtly lose my single-mindedness? Even when I think I'm pursuing God's will.
silly little man.

So there's that stuff exploding in my heart all day. Another issue I've wrestled with this weekend is hurt and the Godly response to that. Unknowingly, I had myself convinced that it was unacceptable to allow myself to feel hurt.
That's such a tricky issue for me because I realize that a lot of hurt in my past was basically rooted in my own pride and even my own bitterness...which is also a result of pride. So when someone hurts me now, I immediately reject it and search my heart for where I'm harboring selfish ideals that would cause me to feel hurt.
Tonight, I'm realizing that sometimes it's okay to just be hurt.
The issue comes with how you handle the hurt, and how you allow it to affect you. Some times it can morph into anger, which over time, morphs into bitterness. I'm telling ya, bitterness is more prevalent in our lives than we realize.
My reaction to my feeling hurt this week, let me to point the finger at myself by saying that I deserve it because this particular situation is simply a result of sin and a hard heart from years past. There are consequences to sin, and I just accepted that the mature response would be to acquiesce to the consequences and just take it. I felt like I had no right to be hurt no matter how badly I was treated because I deserved it.
What's difficult for me is that part of that IS true! But what I didn't realize is that it's still okay to be hurt. Who can define what's fair? Who can determine who deserves what? Did I deserve the treatment I received? It doesn't matter! see! maybe I do, maybe I don't.
When you have such a sovereign God, no one really deserves anything, good or bad. We're still blessed with grace either way.
So, I'm still working my way through this one, because my instinct is to want to know why I was treated this way. But I know that's really quite irrelevant, and if I were to dwell on that question, it would become very unhealthy very quickly. I still feel like I-I should apologize because I know that in some way, I've caused them to treat me this way. I want to seek forgiveness for my attitudes or actions that made them feel like they need to respond in this manner. I don't need to understand why. I don't need to understand anything. I just need to realize that I'm not faultless.

So hurt. Let yourself feel hurt. It's ok. But you need to have discipline in how you hurt.
Discipline in everything.
The whole purpose of Proverbs is to teach wisdom and discipline! The two are directly related.

So tonight I'm almost happy to say - I'm hurting. I've been pushing it away all weekend. So tonight I'll hurt, yet pursue Christ through the hurt and see how He's speaking to me and what He's teaching me in this situation.

So...yeah. That's a brief overview of what's up in my head and heart. That was me being vulnerable. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to pursue Godliness at all costs. So if I need rebuke or if my thinking is in error, please talk to me!
Everyone talks about wanting to be honest and real, but given the chance, most people just take the easy way. I want the easy way too, but even more I want to do what is right.

i really hope i don't sound self righteous or smug. I apologize if i came off that way at all, I swear I was honestly talking off the tip of my heart. I still haven't fully processed some of these thoughts. They're still in their infancy, but I share them nonetheless.

Love you, my dear homies. oooooh...i wanted to write about church today too!! eh. oh well.

The Weakest Link

2009-12-03T21:27:00.005-06:00

I'm a blogoholic lately. I guess that's what procrastination will do to you. I hate it when I'm undisciplined. This time of year lends itself to that.

The last four people I've emailed haven't responded. Granted, most of them were those quasi-uncomfortable "hey man, how's your spiritual life? what've you been learning about Jesus? where's your heart" kinda conversations. Well I guess they aren't really conversations since I'm the only one talking! haha!

I've about had it with Apple. Their products make me INSANE. You pay literally twice as much for their machines, then you have to keep pouring money into it because they issue updates every other day and everything gets outdated and doesn't function anymore. Don't even get me started on iTunes. I love it, I use it. I hate it, it makes me want to scream. There are too many restrictions and regulations on everything. There have been a few nights this year when I've just about lost mind freakin mind trying to get their dang products to function correctly.

UNT is offering a entire course on vampires. seriously? oh America. I could go on, oh I could go on, but I think the Lord has really worked a lot of the cynicism out of my heart.

I don't like cynics. Sarcasm can wear me out too. Sarcasm's interesting because it can be a beautiful, finely-crafted tool but it can also be a very destructive weapon without you even realizing. It's a thin line. Until I can master staying on the right side of that line, it's something I do better to avoid, which honestly can be a bummer because I do enjoy it. *sigh* But it's more important to make sure that I use it in a Godly manner. Gotta get that down first.

I worry about people who always have something negative to say about the people around them. That's gotta do a number on your heart.
I was that way for a long time. The stupid thing is that you don't even realize when that's you.

In my experience, the process goes something like this...Sarcasm/snarkiness/criticism leads to cynicism, cynicism leads to self-righteousness, self-righteousness leads to bitterness, and bitterness hardens your heart and kills your joy.
That's the pattern I've seen in my own heart. I wonder if anyone else has opinions on that process and what it does to your heart, I'd sure love to hear it! I wonder if it always works like that or if that was just my case?

I need wisdom. I need specific wisdom. Why is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about their walk with the Lord? Not uncomfortable for me, but for them. Why? Is it something in their heart or is it the way I approach them?

Sometimes I feel too goody-goody and naive to hang with the secular crowd, but too wild and non-traditional to hang with the Christian crowd.

I'm pretty anxious for tomorrow. I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Is that dumb?

2009 was such...wait. I guess I'll save that till later. I have thoughts about this year.

The best movie I saw this summer was Away We Go. Not entirely appropriate I guess, but it was funniest movie I've seen all year, without a doubt. I think Sara said she liked the Big Fat Geek Tour Guide movie better. right? I think so. That one was alright. We both really enjoyed Angels & Demons. Really fun movie. 500 Days of Summer is this year's Garden State. I like the former more. It resonated with a high-school version of me, but in the end movies like that leave me feeling really depressed. They're such real movies, you can almost relate to them, except they're worlds without hope. I find it hard to watch and enjoy the reality of a life without Jesus. The whole thing feels so hopeless and desperate. Just vicious attempts to find eternity in temporal things. Just bums me out, man.

I've only seen 2 movies since August.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few days digging at my heart and searching for what my motivations are. Why are certain things important to me? What do I behave like I do? Why do I think in certain patterns? I'll spend forever thinking myself in circles. I think it's pretty cool because when it comes down to it, I can search my heart and honestly believe that my intentions are pure and that I really am trying to pursue God and reflect His glory, but all I can really be sure of is that the heart, above all things, is deceitful. (Jer. 17:9) So in the end, I may never know for absolute certain what my true motivations are, which is cool because that means I have to rely on Christ for that! I don't know me. I'll never know me on the deepest levels that I wish I knew. But HE does, so I absolutely HAVE to rely on Him.
And that doesn't mean I stop searching my heart to make sure it's pure, it just means that I'm weak, frail, foolish and often blind to how weak, frail and foolish I really am. I don't always have to understand every thing in my heart as long as I understand how desperately I need Him and how I have to lean on Him with all my weight, none of it on my own strength.

Why do i feel like that made no sense? haha! I've been in my head all day. It's odd...when I work from home, I actually end up spending most of the day in complete silence. I have tvs, movies, music all around me, but somehow none of that entices me.

Uh...so there are some random things running through my head this evening.

You are the weakest link, goodbye.

We can dance if we want to!

2009-12-02T20:04:00.004-06:00

When I had my radio show at Moody, I would always play The Safety Dance. There was some Christian band that had covered the song. (Because secular music is bad, but Christians covering secular music is okay! duh.) I always liked that song. It's dumb and it always kinda makes me half-smile. Not whole smile, because like I said, it's dumb.

But I always thought I was so hilarious for playing it because the chorus is "We can dance if we to, we can leave this world behind...." and you can't dance at Moody, so I thought it was hilarious to play a song promoting something we can't do. Hey, it was in their music catalog!

I was always say something stupid like, "Here's a song about things we can't do at this school!" or "Here's a glimpse of the fun people are having outside of this bubble!" or "Did you enjoy that last song? Yeah, that's because you're a SINNER! It was about sinful, morally reprehensible activities and you shouldn't listen to filth like that!"

I thought I was hilarious.

I was completely lame. Someone should have slapped me.

Could this be the end?

2009-12-02T08:38:00.001-06:00

Look, i made rhymes!

It's gently snowing.
I can feel the fear growing.
Panic fills the air
Why doesn't God care?
What can we do?
We won't make it through
this plague of despair
poisoning our air.
How can we drive?
We can't possibly survive!
Dallas is doomed
our bodies entombed.
In this coffin we await
such a tragic fate.
With terror we're seized.
Surely God is not pleased.
The snowing won't cease.
There's no hope of peace.
His wrath is not fun.
Oh wait...it's done.

Questions

2009-12-01T09:12:00.002-06:00

It's barely 9am and I've already composed a beautiful, beautiful poem.
A person of interest is it's basis, I really hope you don't find it racist.

Questions

What is Hannah Goetz doing right now?
is she in the pasture milking the cow?
Perhaps sleeping soundly, still fast asleep?
no, she's a farmer, tending her sheep!

Does she like skiing, on top of a mountain?
Do you think she spits in drinking fountains?
Is she a mexican? Ergo de facto,
her lunch must consist of chewing tobacco!
Is her hair pink or is it yellow?
Is she moody or actually quite mellow?

Questions like these must be asked daily
until we get blown up by an angry Israeli.

"Ted, it's a POEM!"

2009-11-30T19:29:00.006-06:00

First. Pray for me. I've had a heavy heart lately for several reasons.

Lately God has been doing these weird, funny things that I don't understand. Just super coincidental things. It seriously stirs my heart because I feel like He's communicating with me. He is so good. He is so GOOD. sometimes i just love saying that!

I'll spare you the other awesome stories, but this was an odd one today.

As I was praying after work today I found myself praying for wisdom. Maybe begging would be a more accurate word. I was begging Him for wisdom, and as I was praying for that, I thought about that verse that promises that He'll give us wisdom if we ask, and ask with faith. I had no idea where it is in the NT, but I'd just read it in the past few weeks. It made me smile because I love that reassurance, and the confidence that I find in that. I treasure that promise, especially today.

Then I opened my Bible and I happened to be starting the book of James today. I began reading and immediately, BAM-O! The fifth verse in: "But if anyone is deficient in wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without reprimand, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed around by the wind."

How ding dang awesome is THAT? oh mercy, that seriously made me laugh out loud! I honestly think God was reassuring me that He will provide the wisdom I need in this situation.

I thought that was pretty funny, but then, something else happened. SUPER weird.

I made it down to verse 14:
"But each one is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then when desire conceives, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is full grown, it gives birth to death."

This is one of those unexplainable bizarre things, but when I read the word "death" it instantly triggered something in my mind and made me start writing. and rhyming.
I immediately thought of where I was mentally & spiritually a few years ago and how dark it had gotten. I just started writing.

This is really insane to me because rhyming and whatnot never came easy to me. I wanted to be a lyricist when I was growing up but I suck at it. I can't make words flow out of my head very easily, but today this stuff was just being puked out of my head.
That being said, I'd like to stress that I'm claiming that it was unnaturally EASY, not that it bears any semblance of being GOOD.
We're talking 2nd grade bad rhyming. There's no consistency or talent. I would liken this to Barnabas Stinson's Sexless Innkeeper, except much worse. But I think he'd be proud though because, hey, it rhymes!

But I feel like somehow God was in it. Why? i have no idea! Another one of those ridiculously strange things He's been doing to me lately. This thing is terrible, but it feels exactly like where I was three years. It's spooky to me. I creeps meself out!
I basically wasted every opportunity He gave me for about three years. That's what it feels like now. I'd like to say that I'm just strong-willed, but really I'm just stubborn and bullheaded. Anyway, I've had/gotten to repent to a lot of people this year.
When He humbles me, He breaks my kneecaps. But I'm sure glad He does!
this is where i need to be.

Simply for the sake of being vulnerable and transparent (and preserving the title of my blog page), because i do NOT want to post this...ugh....

2006

The stench of death clouds my mind
I thought I could see but I've become so blind.
Darkness has overcome where there once was hope.
My vision is short, a narrow scope.
Crowning myself as king, I sealed my doom.
Endlessly writing, trapped in this room.

A small basement in my heart of stone
is where You found Your new home.
Your grace was screaming in the fading light
I tried to silence You with all my might.
My only Hope, I'd cast aside.
Was THIS the life for which You died?

See! super duper rhyme-y! super duper terrible! But i like it! I'm not proud of it, but I like it. I can feel it. You can't. But I can.

Now here's a picture of a panda with a gun to cheer you up

Adorable.

one of those nights

2009-11-23T21:02:00.003-06:00

It honestly was a great day. Why do I suddenly feels so sad and discouraged?

Maybe I care more than I thought I do. geeeeez. how can I not know myself after all this time? How can I not understand myself?

I feel like a stranger to my own heart. Hi, have we met? Because you are confusing and make no sense.

Sometimes it feels like there's no consistency within the heart. The things that don't matter, matter. And the things that matter, don't matter. It makes no sense.

can i punch myself in the face now please?

i need a slap in the face...how ironic!

I love days like this

2009-11-23T15:27:00.002-06:00

when i time it just perfectly so that I'm stuck behind the school bus on my way home.

and I do NOT say that sarcastically!

I love watching all the little elementary kids run off the bus to their parents or to their apartments.

It's such a huge group of hugs that get off at the apartments, and I'm telling you, every single kid always has a huge smile and they're all running around and laughing.

I remember the joy of finally being done with the school day, but it's an even bigger thrill for me now to watch the look of joy on those kids' faces as they get off the bus and head home. It just makes me heart so flippin' happy to watch them kids.

And now I must head to my appointment at the Genius bar.
Pray that I remain patient and understanding in my frustration.

I just saw a commercial for Transformers

2009-11-19T13:15:00.003-06:00

Ya know what was a reallllly fun day? well actually a really fun two days.

When we all drove down south for 4 hours while watching HIMYM the whole way. We stopped at the San Marcos outlet mall, bought stuff, got our hands washed with Dead Sea salt, then went to New Braunfels and floated down the river. We were late and had to walk our tubes back when we were done. After that we stopped at Wal-Mart and bought delicious un-health food. Then we drove through Panda Express and Sara spilled in my car. Haha! We got to the Ranch and we had the place to ourselves. We watched HIMYM and we all slept in sleeping bags in the living room.

Then next day we ate at the Sunrise for lunch, then stopped at the Dollar General and went over to the chamber of commerce to inquire about swimming at Choke Canyon. Instead, they pointed us to the public pool. We went back to the Ranch and played a couple rounds of wii Monopoly, then went to the pool. That was freakin' fun! We stopped for ice cream at Dairy Queen on the way back. We watched HIMYM for a while, then that evening we went to go see Transformers 2 at the Rialto down on the square. That was a really fun experience! Afterwards we had dinner at Dairy Queen, and then when we finally got back to the ranch, everyone else was there! yay.

Maybe it sounds lame. and maybe that's because you don't understand rural Texas and/or small towns. But those were seriously two of the most fun days of my life!

and we all lived happishly ever after. the end.

i didn't re-read or spell check this. forgive me.

2009-11-18T10:48:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I get jealous of people who know a lot of theology and can have deep discussions of a theological nature.
Though I gotta say I'm less and less apt to fall for the lie that that's how we're all supposed to be.

I'm not saying it's not good to know a lot, because it is! I just think he's gifted different people with the skill to desire knowledge and to learn, retain and articulate well.

I'm impressed by those guys. But I realize that I don't have to BE them. My goal isn't

It's probably good that God didn't bless me with that gift because I KNOW that I'd have pride. Consciously or subconsciously, I would be proud of my knowledge. And that's dangerous because you can use knowledge as a weapon (or even as a defense) to beat people down and I certainly don't need that kinda temptation.

I probably need to understand theology better, and I have been working at that, but it doesn't come as easily for me. And I'm okay with that because God has blessed in other areas, and allowed me to know Him and experience Him in different ways. I think some people experience God intellectually and some people it's through circumstances or something else.
So i would say that we have a certain level of knowledge of God too, but it's not intellectual-type knowledge.

Like, I'll probably never be able to sit and have a conversation about dispensationalism, but I could excitedly talk for hours about what I've learned about God from my own walk with Him, the things He's taught me and revealed to me. I could talk about how I've experienced God, the things He's in me, through me, and around me. And I'm not sure how to explain it (cuz i'm 99% stupid) but my own walk with Christ feels like it's unique and different and so vibrant.

So maybe the way He speaks to my heart is through my life and things He allows me to feel, experience, and go through. I'm definitely a hard learner. And I don't think I'd be able to see God any other way than through experience.

And for the intellectuals, I think God speaks to their hearts through theology and knowledge.

I guess like we see God from a different angle. Not to say that the non-intellectuals and intellectuals can never see God from each other's angle, but I think we're inherently gifted to see God from a certain angle. It's the same God, same Truth, just different perspectives. And there obviously needs to be some cross-over. We both need to see from each other's angle. I just think we're gifted to naturally see and hear from Him in a certain way.

So I admire the theology buffs like Matt or a thousand other people I know, but I know that's not me.

Does that make ANY sense??

Ok all my dreams have come true!

2009-11-17T21:47:00.003-06:00

My biggest dream was to walk up to Pastor Matt and just hug him.

And I did.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl!! I can't stop smiling! It feels like Christmas day inside my soul!

He humbles me. I want to be like him. I want to love Jesus like he does. I want to be a Godly husband and father, and he is a incredible example of what that looks like.
I don't many people that love Jesus like he does. And he doesn't just love Him, He really knows Him too. I want to pursue Jesus with such reckless abandon, not caring but knowing Him more. ahhhhh!!

So I talked to him a little bit and told him I've been praying for him. He said that these last two days have been insanely jam-packed, which I already knew from reading his twitter. (How bad is it that I creep on my own pastor? haha!!) I don't remember what else we talked about.

But the one thing I always wanted to ask, I totally forgot. It's completely menial, but I'm so curious if he knows Shawn Davis. oh wait, Creth are you reading this? do YOU have any idea? I know that Shawn used to run with the Shane & Caleb crowd and Matt ran around with Shane & Shane, and everyone on staff seems to know Caleb, so I just wondered if Matt and Shawn knew each other.

We talked to Bleeker too. He's so kind. so was Matt. Couldn't have been friendlier. Joel and Bleeker talked about Hillsong and Kari Jobe and leading worship and Joel's synagogue, etc. Joel told him that we should sing Savior King in church and Michael was like YEAH! that's a GREAT song!!

I can't really express how excited I am. To meet such a man of God is just kinda thrilling!
I guess it'd be akin to meeting Marky Mark. except WAY better!! and I'm pretty sure Matt doesn't have Marky Mark abs. But then again, who does?

I guess my next life goal will have to be to hug Mark Driscoll. and after that maybe Francis Chan. Then perhaps John Piper. or maybe I should move John Piper to the front of the line since he's getting old. naaaah, I think I'll keep them ranked in order of their impact on my life.

and yeah, I know they're just men. But these are heroes of the faith. These are the men that explain Scripture to me. These are the men that God has used to open my heart and completely change me. These are the messengers of His Grace.

And in regards to Matt, I know he's not The Village. I love Matt and I love my church. They're two separate things. I love our family, our community. I love our people. I get teary-eyed when I think about our community of Believers so desperate and passionate to know Jesus and to live lives that bring Him glory. I couldn't imagine a better place to wait with blessed hope for the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Lord willingly, this is my home for the next 50 or so years. I'm home. I love my home.

(view from the last row)

In the interest of full disclosure...

2009-11-16T09:57:00.002-06:00

I had a dream about Miley last night.

It's not like i PLANNED it!! sheesh!

I dreamed I was something like an older brother to her, offering her advice and whatnot.
She found her boyfriend making out with some other girl in her closet and was heartbroken, and I was like, "yo, he wasn't a good guy anyway. He didn't have respect for you. I mean, come on, he was making out in YOUR closet! The guy was a skeez."
But dang was she sad! She went outside and cried. I walked outside, patted her on the back and said, "If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll assume you want to be alone for now. But I'll be inside if you want to talk, but I have to leave for work in an hour."

Also, I was good friends with her little brothers, who sure did look an awful lot like Brandon and Nathan Trippe. It was really kinda fun. they had a nice house. But i was reallllllly bummed because i didn't get to meet Billy Ray. bummer. sadness.

go ahead and be jealous.

Things in my head at this exact minute

2009-11-11T19:44:00.003-06:00

I like visiting the hospital under certain circumstances. I like sitting in the room visiting someone. It's so clean and bright. Relaxing, even. It's kinda a magical place because it takes everything in your life and sheds the light of perspective on them. Nothing outside of those 4 walls really seems to matter all that much when you're in there. And you've got family and friends filtering in and out all the time.
It's just kinda nice...under the right circumstances. As in, nothing terribly serious.

Ironically, the new television show The Middle reminds me a lot of Malcom in the Middle. They both have the word "Middle" in the title, which is what makes it ironic.

Reviews of recent music:

Jet - Shaka Rock
Guitary and awesome. Better than Get Born because it's consistently rockilicious. The whole thing is great. It's like getting kicked in the teeth with a steel-toed boot. It makes me wanna go out and just, like, grow a really thick beard. ..or something.

Weezer - Raditude
It's better than the Red album. Maybe not as good as the Blue album. But their best stuff in years for sure...in my humble opinion. But if you disagree, it's okay if you wanna go ahead mock me. I don't mind!
It just makes me feel good. It's really melodic and catchy. It's like pouring smooth, velvety tomato soup in your ears. Makes you feel good inside. It kinda reminds me of Sugar Ray's latest album, Music for Cougars. Not that they sound alike, rather just because they're both fun and happy. I like happy music. There's enough Dashboard and Sufjan for the rest of the world to get depressed to. Give me the music that makes ya smile! Sometimes "shallow" music just hits the spot!

Switchfoot - Hello, Hurricane
I bet it's pretty good. I bought it and have kinda almost half-listened to it. I think it was probably good. It's Switchfoot! you know what you're getting. Good lyrics, a few catchy songs, and a few songs that'll take some getting used to before you decide they're genius.
It's kinda weird now, having heard what Jon can do on his own, to go back and hear him as part of Switchfoot again. It's so different. I listen to Foreman incessantly, day after day, so it's odd to hear him with the band again.

Relient K - Forget and Not Slow Down
So you remember how MmHmm was all super happy and optimistic? Exact opposite here.
Apparently that girl he was dating that inspired songs like "High of 75" and "My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend" ripped his freaking heart out because lyrically, this thing is a downer. Musically, I love the poo outta it!
And maybe i need to listen harder but I wasn't able to pull much from it spiritually, which is a disappointment.

In other reviews...
Miley- still making incredible, mind-blowing mind.
The new Kevin Hammond single is incredible. As is the latest Michael Buble.
Can't say I really care for Phil Wickham's single, Cielo. It's not BAD. It's just not...i don't know. It wasn't what I hoped it would be. It's not as insightful or musically exciting, in MY opinion. BUT, it is pretty catchy!
The new Robbie Seay single, Miracle? eh.
Maybe I'm a harsher critic of Christian music, or maybe I just expect more. I'm so fickle, cuz I'm sure if we sing this in church a couple times, I'll think it's the greatest song ever.
Speaking of, I wish we could freakin' download Bleaker's songs. I know you can listen to them on the website, but my gosh, that one song is my favorite song ever and i need to be able to listen to it when i can openly cry. ya know, like a baby.

I'm procrastinating. that's why I'm blogging. Avoiding homework. blah.
I've lost 3% body fat in the last month or so. Kinda proud of that. Been doing a lot of cardio at work and eating healthy. ish.

Mark Driscoll is going to be on loveline with Dr. Drew next year. I hope he's able to post that to the Mars Hill site, cuz that is sure to be killer radio. I can't even imagine! I love that man.

ok good. There ya go. Nothing insightful or real, just fluff stuff. please do enjoy.

Maturity

2009-11-07T14:27:00.002-06:00

In relation to my deleted blog yesterday,

I think it's just a maturity thing.

If your goal is to glorify Christ, you have to be aware of other people.
If a consequential goal is to serve people, you gotta be self-aware.
You have to be self-aware in order to die to yourself. It's the only way.

A lot of that is simply a result of the sanctification and maturation process.

...is this post better? haha!

2009-10-17T21:24:00.002-05:00

Tonight was awesome. super duper.

During his sermon, Matt mentioned a recent survey of Christian men that asked what things that women wear that are distracting to them.
spaghetti straps.
and wearing the freaking purse across your chest so that the purse straps make your hoo-has pop out.

i love that they included that second one. i thought i was the only one who found that suggestion.
i know i'm a bit touchy when it comes to modesty, so it's good to know i'm not THAT out-of-touch.

Matt is gonna post the complete survey results on the blog in a couple weeks. you can bet your bippy that i'll gonna post a link to that!

In conclusion, thank GOD that it's winter. The only thing to guard your eyes from is tight sweaters. that ain't bad compared to summer. Yet another reason that i loooove winter clothes!
thems da bomb!

Ignorant

2009-10-10T21:59:00.003-05:00

It's amazing the incredible amount of ignorance that we unwittingly live in.<--preposition.

I've been reading through this old journal that I recently found (which I'll probably post some of those old entries on here at some point), and it blows my mind how just plain dumb I was. And I was so unaware! I thought I was right.
I can read journals from 10 years ago and be shocked at the amount of self-centered idiocy, but I can also read things I wrote 6 months ago and think the same thing. Scary.
Not to say I'm the same person as I was back then, but the things I incorrectly believed have shifted into something else. You kill one fallacy and it simply morphs into something new.
It's weird the different forms that pride can take. Looking back it seems so obvious, yet if I look back six months ago, I still walked in a certain amount of pride, only it was in a different form that it was back then so once again I didn't realize it.

The things I thought were just so ignorant. Not just in relation to pride, but pretty much everything. Haha! It's truly incredible. Hard to believe that I was once so dumb.

The scary thing is that I'm walking in some type of ignorance right now too. But I'm obviously blind to it, so who knows what it is that I'll look back on in a year and laugh at how immature and dumb I was? I try to live with my eyes open, and I feel like I live a well-examined life, yet there will always be things that be believe incorrectly. We're always seeing something incorrectly.

The good thing about old journals is that you actually can see how much you have grown. For instance, I think I've finally grown enough to accept rebuke, and perhaps even grown to love being rebuked. As weird as that sounds. I don't want to live in ignorance and immaturity, so rebuke is welcome. Which, I guess that's just a result of my depleted pride. That's something that the Lord has slowly transformed. it's beautiful.

I'm not sure what the actually purpose of this post is.<--preposition
I suppose I just wanted to praise the Lord for all that He's done in me and ask that I be able to live with my eyes wide open so that I'm blissfully walking in ignorance.

I seriously need to type of some of those old entries. Its entirely laughable.
I can't believe who I used to be...ten years ago, or even last year! Shocking.

i probably need to start working on apologies.

.

Glee.

2009-10-06T16:51:00.008-05:00

Glee makes me feel stupid.
I know I'm supposed to like it, but I don't. what's wrong with me? Am I broken? I seem to be the only human on planet Earth that really doesn't like this show at all.
I'm not being facetious when i ask: what am i missing? What am I obviously not understanding?
Look, I love the music, it's awesome! Though, out of the 4 episodes i've watched, i haven't seen one performance that looks believable and not horribly lip-synced. Is it the shtick factor that people enjoy so much? Is is supposed to be funny bad?
I tried. I tried SO hard to like it. But i can't seem to make that happen. In all honesty, I really can't stand that show. that makes me feel stupid.
Jane Lynch bothers me. I don't know why, but she sends chills of creepiness down my spine. I wish i could explain why. She just makes me feel dirty. and her character is so completely over-the-top. i guess they all kind are, aren't they? is that why people like it so much?
Ugh. If you love the show, I consider you more intelligent than me.

I even toured the Glee set last summer when I was in LA. It was fun, but when i went home and watched the pilot again, i still didn't like it.
It's actually pretty raunchy, isn't it? That's something that leaves me feeling unsettled and gross too. Maybe I've transformed into a prude. eh.

So for the last two months, every time i log into Facebook, it suggests that i be friends with this guy:
Of course I remember him from church and school, but i don't want to be "friends" with him. He was never very nice to me, and i doubt he'd remember me anyway. Besides, he's my age and he's still wearing his letterman jacket in his profile picture...creepy, weird and lame.
Reaffirming my unbridled stupidity, I found out today that he stars on Glee. yeah, I've watched 4 episodes and I never recognized him, even though I'd been staring at his picture every time I log into fb for the last three months!
I still don't care to "friend" him and I still find the show to be life-draining (though call me if Marky-Mark is ever on!). But i find it incredibly ironic that the show I hate the most is the one show on tv with someone i once knew, the one set we happened to walk through this summer, and it's the one show that friggin' everyone is talking about. *sigh*
I couldn't find my old yearbooks and I'm not about to waste more than 5 minutes looking for them, but I easily found this old church photo. Please to enjoy all you crazy Glee fans.

.